Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 29, 2024, 04:06:46 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Experts share their discoveries [video]
99
Could it be BPD
BPDFamily.com Production
Listening to shame
Brené Brown, PhD
What is BPD?
Blasé Aguirre, MD
What BPD recovery looks like
Documentary
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: The new school year  (Read 405 times)
Swiggle
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 232



WWW
« on: August 04, 2015, 09:19:59 AM »

I'm not sure what to do. DH's ex is being her controlling self as usual and didn't include him in the process of back to school shopping. Now, some might say hey at least he didn't have to pay anything for all those crazy supplies but he enjoys this event with the kids. The kids, especially SD enjoy doing this with us rather than her mom but she is to afraid to say that to uBPDmom. Anyway the kids go back to school next week and they wake up with us on their first day of school. Mom has forbidden them to bring the supplies over that she picked up for them stating that she will show up the morning of school with them. I'm not comfortable with this at all but I'm not sure what we should do.

1. not do anything and let mom show up with the book bags full of supplies. Even though the kids won't know what is what since they are with us up until school.

2. send an email asking her to get the stuff (the other request was made by SD and she was told no) and let her tell us no

3. just go out and get everything on the list (we have the list) and not involve mom at all. This will upset her of course but I kind of feel like she is leaving us on other choice.

Logged

“The value and quality of any love is determined solely by the lover himself.” ~ Carson McCullers
Nope
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Relationship status: married
Posts: 951



« Reply #1 on: August 04, 2015, 11:11:20 AM »

See if you can get it in writing in an email that she has the supplies and intends to bring them to the school on the first day. Then let it play out. The kids won't need every single thing on that list the first day. So maybe pick up a couple of obvious essentials, like paper and pencils. If their mom shows up, great. If not, then let their mom fail and do what you can to fix it after.

I think doing this sends the message to the kids that you expect their mom to come through but are willing to help them as best you can when she doesn't. This will be a very important message to get across to them as they grow up. Eventually she may hurt them or disappoint them and they need to learn to navigate those feelings. The sooner the better, as some here have terrible stories of older children trusting their BPD mom to come through and then being shocked when they are let down.
Logged
Turkish
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2013; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
Posts: 12105


Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #2 on: August 04, 2015, 12:18:19 PM »

See if you can get it in writing in an email that she has the supplies and intends to bring them to the school on the first day. Then let it play out. The kids won't need every single thing on that list the first day. So maybe pick up a couple of obvious essentials, like paper and pencils. If their mom shows up, great. If not, then let their mom fail and do what you can to fix it after.

I agree with this (and get it in writing... .no answer is still an answer; you did your due diligence). If she shows up, then great. She played her little control game, but the kids got what they needed. If not, then they know what they can trust her with and what not to.
Logged

    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
Swiggle
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 232



WWW
« Reply #3 on: August 04, 2015, 01:03:20 PM »

I know she will show up with the stuff, it is more about controlling when the kids can/can't have their own school stuff to organize how they would like to before school starts. I keep thinking about it two ways... .

1. The kids want their stuff in preparation for school and mom has said no. If it is really important that they have their stuff validate how they feel but know that ultimately they need to have the hard discussion with mom. How to help guide them to ask for what they need.

2. We know that it is a control thing for mom so if we proceed with what we can control. So we can't control mom getting the stuff to us prior to first day of school but we can control making sure the kids have what they need by getting the stuff from the list and giving them the chance to organize it themselves. But does this enable them to dodge a hard convo with mom about their wants/needs since it really doesn't involve DH and I? I mean the main goal is that they have what they need for school, which they do, it is just under lock and key by mom to control the situation. We were prepared to spend money on supplies which we didn't have to do since mom bought everything on the list, so spending some cash knowing they have the stuff isn't a big deal.
Logged

“The value and quality of any love is determined solely by the lover himself.” ~ Carson McCullers
Nope
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Relationship status: married
Posts: 951



« Reply #4 on: August 04, 2015, 04:22:08 PM »

It'll likely be years before they start having any hard conversations with their mom. This is one of those things you just have to let go.

If she was a normal range mother and said she bought them all of this stuff for school and you went and bought stuff anyway, that would be pretty demeaning and undermining. There is absolutely no way to go about it with a BPD mother that won't be very triggering and the kids would be made to suffer. (Although I admit in the same situation I'd certainly want to pull that control away from her just to prove she isn't as powerful as she wants to think she is. But cooler heads need to prevail.)

Even if they won't talk to her about her over the top need for control they will eventually know it is there. They are likely very used to having her control every aspect of their lives when they are with her. That will be less acceptable to them as they get older. I like the idea of validating their feelings about their mom not letting them have their stuff early.

Logged
martillo
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 28 yrs; staying for now
Posts: 172



« Reply #5 on: August 04, 2015, 11:08:08 PM »

Our kids were always encouraged by the school to bring and leave all school supplies at "Meet the Teacher" a few days before school started.  The only thing we didn't leave was their back packs and lunch boxes.  It was so much easier than trying to get everything there during 1st day chaos.  Is that an option that would keep mom involved by bringing supplies then, she can "meet the teacher" with you, dad and kids  and you, dad and kids will know if all supplies are there and accounted for?  Mom could then bring back packs and lunch on school day 1.
Logged
Thunderstruck
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 823



« Reply #6 on: August 05, 2015, 11:08:16 AM »

See if you can get it in writing in an email that she has the supplies and intends to bring them to the school on the first day. Then let it play out. The kids won't need every single thing on that list the first day. So maybe pick up a couple of obvious essentials, like paper and pencils. If their mom shows up, great. If not, then let their mom fail and do what you can to fix it after.

I think doing this sends the message to the kids that you expect their mom to come through but are willing to help them as best you can when she doesn't. This will be a very important message to get across to them as they grow up. Eventually she may hurt them or disappoint them and they need to learn to navigate those feelings. The sooner the better, as some here have terrible stories of older children trusting their BPD mom to come through and then being shocked when they are let down.

I agree.

I know the kids want to be prepared for their first day. Maybe you can help them be "prepared" in another way? Haricuts and school clothes and shoes?

We always buy the supplies becaues uBPDbm claims she has no money for it. This year she said she's buying SD10 a bookbag so that it's "even". She has SD10 on the morning of the first day of school, so we plan to just drop the supplies off directly at school. We might even do it on orientation day if the teacher lets us.
Logged

"Rudeness is the weak person's imitation of strength."

"The sun shines and warms and lights us and we have no curiosity to know why this is so. But we ask the reason of all evil, of pain, and hunger, and mosquitos and silly people." -Ralph Waldo Emerson
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!