Feelings of Guilt (2)

[Depression = 72% of members]

That's what I thought... .never would have crossed my mind to report you guys for something like that.

Issues... .and behaviors are totally different.

Sigh...

I hope it is over for you guys... .

I have talked to a couple of people in real life about this and none of them ever thought that I was putting my kids in danger by leaving them with their dad. Most people that I know said that I should leave the kids with him MORE not less. The rationale was that the reason that him and the kids don't always get along is because I don't give him enough opportunities to be a dad. If I am here all of the time, then the kids will never learn to go to him for things because their default is to come to me. And, if I am here, then he has no reason to step up because my default is to take care of everything. When I first started leaving the kids with him, the kids would freak out because they didn't want to be away from me. That was mentioned in the report but was taken out of context completely. They would freak out until I got out of the driveway. I know why the did it. They did it because there was a time when I would give in and just stay home. The freaking out was an extinction burst because I was changing the way that things were done. It had nothing to do with dad being dangerous or scary or mean. It had to do with the fact that I was changing how things were done and they didn't like it.

My best friend knows more details about any of this than anybody else in the world. She and I met on a forum that basically advocates for children and how to give kids better lives. Together, she and I have advised parents on how to deal with all sorts of parenting issues. Together, she and I have told parents to knock off certain things because it wasn't good for the kids. She and I have parenting standards that are pretty friggin' high. If she thought, for one second, that anything that I was doing or anything that my husband was doing was dangerous to the kids, she would have told me.

Her husband is probably BPD as well. He is a danger and she has taken necessary steps to protect her child. Both of us have talked at length about when to move on and both of us agree that as long as there is no danger and no abuse it is best to try to stay together for the kids. When her husband became problematic, she kicked him out. Period. End of subject. Through all that has happened, she has stood by me and helped me figure out how to make decisions that would be best for the kids. She helped me make sure that my kids were shielded from everything.

When I was going to meet a guy, she and I had a safety plan in place. I was to call her the minute I got there and let her know exactly what was going on. She and I had a code word worked out so that if I said it, she was to call the police immediately. If I had been forced to do anything, she would have stepped in and said something to me. I recall her asking me repeatedly whether or not I really wanted to do what I did.

I feel like I have gone above and beyond trying to make sure that my kids do not ever have to live the kind of life that I lived as a kid. I have gone above and beyond trying to make sure that they are safe at all times. I only got a job outside of the house a year ago. From 2006 to 2014, I didn't work outside of the house and I didn't leave the kids with anybody other than occasionally letting them go to grandma's house. Even that was limited because they didn't care to hang around grandma's house because there always seems to be some kind of drama or craziness going on there. Finding an affordable babysitter for 4 kids is almost impossible on a limited budget. My husband and I figured out how to arrange things so that we don't have to pay a babysitter and now I am being charged with neglecting them because I am leaving them with their dad to go to work.

The stuff that the CPS worker told me was that the report said that I was leaving my kids with a hypersexual male. Really? When I am not home, he spends most of his time playing computer games in the computer area and talking to the kids. My husband is so friggin' ashamed of his own sexuality that it isn't even funny. His SA stuff has nothing to do with hypersexuality. It has to do with guilt and shame. I think that if any other guy had done the things that my husband has done he would likely say that it was just guy stuff.

<sigh> None of this makes any sense whatsoever.

[vortex of confusion]

That's what I thought... .never would have crossed my mind to report you guys for something like that.

Issues... .and behaviors are totally different.

Sigh...

I hope it is over for you guys... .

I have talked to a couple of people in real life about this and none of them ever thought that I was putting my kids in danger by leaving them with their dad. Most people that I know said that I should leave the kids with him MORE not less. The rationale was that the reason that him and the kids don't always get along is because I don't give him enough opportunities to be a dad. If I am here all of the time, then the kids will never learn to go to him for things because their default is to come to me. And, if I am here, then he has no reason to step up because my default is to take care of everything. When I first started leaving the kids with him, the kids would freak out because they didn't want to be away from me. That was mentioned in the report but was taken out of context completely. They would freak out until I got out of the driveway. I know why the did it. They did it because there was a time when I would give in and just stay home. The freaking out was an extinction burst because I was changing the way that things were done. It had nothing to do with dad being dangerous or scary or mean. It had to do with the fact that I was changing how things were done and they didn't like it.

My best friend knows more details about any of this than anybody else in the world. She and I met on a forum that basically advocates for children and how to give kids better lives. Together, she and I have advised parents on how to deal with all sorts of parenting issues. Together, she and I have told parents to knock off certain things because it wasn't good for the kids. She and I have parenting standards that are pretty friggin' high. If she thought, for one second, that anything that I was doing or anything that my husband was doing was dangerous to the kids, she would have told me.

Her husband is probably BPD as well. He is a danger and she has taken necessary steps to protect her child. Both of us have talked at length about when to move on and both of us agree that as long as there is no danger and no abuse it is best to try to stay together for the kids. When her husband became problematic, she kicked him out. Period. End of subject. Through all that has happened, she has stood by me and helped me figure out how to make decisions that would be best for the kids. She helped me make sure that my kids were shielded from everything.

When I was going to meet a guy, she and I had a safety plan in place. I was to call her the minute I got there and let her know exactly what was going on. She and I had a code word worked out so that if I said it, she was to call the police immediately. If I had been forced to do anything, she would have stepped in and said something to me. I recall her asking me repeatedly whether or not I really wanted to do what I did.

I feel like I have gone above and beyond trying to make sure that my kids do not ever have to live the kind of life that I lived as a kid. I have gone above and beyond trying to make sure that they are safe at all times. I only got a job outside of the house a year ago. From 2006 to 2014, I didn't work outside of the house and I didn't leave the kids with anybody other than occasionally letting them go to grandma's house. Even that was limited because they didn't care to hang around grandma's house because there always seems to be some kind of drama or craziness going on there. Finding an affordable babysitter for 4 kids is almost impossible on a limited budget. My husband and I figured out how to arrange things so that we don't have to pay a babysitter and now I am being charged with neglecting them because I am leaving them with their dad to go to work.

The stuff that the CPS worker told me was that the report said that I was leaving my kids with a hypersexual male. Really? When I am not home, he spends most of his time playing computer games in the computer area and talking to the kids. My husband is so friggin' ashamed of his own sexuality that it isn't even funny. His SA stuff has nothing to do with hypersexuality. It has to do with guilt and shame. I think that if any other guy had done the things that my husband has done he would likely say that it was just guy stuff.

<sigh> None of this makes any sense whatsoever.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

The stuff that the CPS worker told me was that the report said that I was leaving my kids with a hypersexual male. Really? 

I guess I never asked the CPS guys how many... .if any... .reports that they discount and don't investigate. 

My guess is not many... .if any.  You could imagine the scandal if they blew off a report and then something bad happened.

But still... .hypersexual?... .male?... .(and this is unusual)?

Sigh.

FF

[vortex of confusion]

I guess I never asked the CPS guys how many... .if any... .reports that they discount and don't investigate. 

My guess is not many... .if any.  You could imagine the scandal if they blew off a report and then something bad happened.

But still... .hypersexual?... .male?... .(and this is unusual)?

From what I understand, they are supposed to take every report seriously no matter what.

The crap that my husband has done isn't good for a marriage. I don't see how it could possibly make a case for neglectful supervision.

It doesn't help the fact that my mother keeps telling me stories of kids getting taken away for no reason. I tried to talk to her about the process as she has been through this stuff with my niece. All she could tell me about was the time that they came for a home visit and showed up several days later and took the kids without any kind of warning and without any kind of opportunity to do anything about it.

I have a million what if scenarios going through my head. None of them make sense but my mother keeps telling me that CPS doesn't make sense and that they do what they want and that there is no reason to trust them. If anybody is making me question my reality, it is my mother.

<sigh> I just want this to be over.

[Cat Familiar]

My husband was a government attorney and one of his assignments involved Child Protective Services. Yes, CPS can be unreasonable and culturally insensitive to different child-rearing choices (particularly immigrant families), but you have to realize the scope of cases they see. Much involves drugs, weapons, sexual abuse, violence, abandonment.

Your issues are pretty vanilla compared to the nastiness they often see. So what if your husband has used porn and sexted women. This is a marital issue, not something that relates to his or your competency as parents.

Relax and don't listen to your mother. You don't know the full story behind what she experienced with your niece.

[vortex of confusion]

Thanks Cat!

Your words really help.

I am usually able to ignore my mother. When I get in a bad head space, it seems like I fall back into the trap of letting her get under my skin.

You are right. I have no idea what really happened with my niece and I doubt that I will ever know.