S5 Angry At Mom, Validation Issue

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Their mom is going out of town for 4 days tomorrow (on a completely unnecessary trip, IMO). We have a 3-2-2-3 schedule,.3s being Friday through Monday morning. I'm watching them tomorrow through her weekend. She called me tonight, and I accepted. She started off asking id she could pick up the kids after church on Sunday instead of Monday morning like I wanted. I told her that the previous agreement (through email) was that she pick the kids up Sunday, it was her weekend after all. I honestly don't know where she got the idea I was going to keep the kids on her Sunday. She gets back Saturday night not too late. If I were her, I would pick the kids up then, but its not up to me to suggest that. The trip is only state over, a short flight. (I guess I am expecting her to be like me).

She said she had trouble with S5 today. She told him that I would becking him up and that she would be back in four days. She said he seemed to accept that. Later, he was hitting his sister. She told him to not do that. He told her that he wished she would get run over by a car and die.  

She asked me where he might have picked that up. I said I never said anything mean about her. We talked some more, establishing the timeline and his trigger. We talked about valdation, but she admtted that she made a mistake, telling him that some little boys didn't have Mommies, and that wishing that was terrible, but that she still loved him. I guess the upside is that she was able to post process it that she shouldn't have said it (and running it by me).

I'll watch him this weekend, and give him extra validation and affection... We're going of town to visit my mom, and my BFF, who loves the kids to pieces, so they'll get plenty of attention.

His language, however, concerns me. I discipline him, but he's never said anything remotely like that to me.

[Turkish]

Their mom is going out of town for 4 days tomorrow (on a completely unnecessary trip, IMO). We have a 3-2-2-3 schedule,.3s being Friday through Monday morning. I'm watching them tomorrow through her weekend. She called me tonight, and I accepted. She started off asking id she could pick up the kids after church on Sunday instead of Monday morning like I wanted. I told her that the previous agreement (through email) was that she pick the kids up Sunday, it was her weekend after all. I honestly don't know where she got the idea I was going to keep the kids on her Sunday. She gets back Saturday night not too late. If I were her, I would pick the kids up then, but its not up to me to suggest that. The trip is only state over, a short flight. (I guess I am expecting her to be like me).

She said she had trouble with S5 today. She told him that I would becking him up and that she would be back in four days. She said he seemed to accept that. Later, he was hitting his sister. She told him to not do that. He told her that he wished she would get run over by a car and die.  

She asked me where he might have picked that up. I said I never said anything mean about her. We talked some more, establishing the timeline and his trigger. We talked about valdation, but she admtted that she made a mistake, telling him that some little boys didn't have Mommies, and that wishing that was terrible, but that she still loved him. I guess the upside is that she was able to post process it that she shouldn't have said it (and running it by me).

I'll watch him this weekend, and give him extra validation and affection... We're going of town to visit my mom, and my BFF, who loves the kids to pieces, so they'll get plenty of attention.

His language, however, concerns me. I discipline him, but he's never said anything remotely like that to me.

[Sunfl0wer]

Hi Turkish,

I'm not sure I completely understand... .

Are you saying that she dropped S5 off earlier than you and S5 had expected?  And kept his sis?

You say you discussed timeline and triggers... .

(Which sounds wonderful that she participated in such a conv btw)

Did you guys come up with anything you care to share?

Throughout your post, you keep referring to the sharing agreement(s), is this because you are wondering if the act of changing things up maybe added to or caused unpredictability of mood in either/both S5 and mom?

[Turkish]

She's planned this 4 day vacation for a while now. I will be watching the kids Friday though Sunday afternoon, which is her weekend. Its great that she's sharing, but she also wants me to fix it. She married the OM and he moved in recently. That's a lot of change for the kids, especially S5 with his OCD like traits. I'm picking them up in an hour. My guess is that he'll be glad to be with me. If their mom calls or texts, I'll respond, though I normally wouldn't. The kids won't want to call her. She always asks them to, but they never do. Sometimes D3 says "I want Mommy," but she never asks to call, which she knows how to.

[Mutt]

Hi Turk,

I can see how that would be an upsetting thing to hear. My S6 gets frustrated with his brother and sister, he gets emotionally dysregulated and has said that he wanted to kill himself although he hasn't said that to his siblings.

Could it be that he's feeling anxiety / stress with having  the other man moving in?

[Turkish]

He gets frustrated easily in general. The events of the past year and a half certainly haven't helped. He's never said anything like that to me, through he, like D3, does play the other parent triangulation game when mad at me.

We were out of town. I got two beds in the hotel, but he wanted me to hug him asleep, so I did, poor little guy.

That's kind of cncerning with your son. Do you think he's being serious, or just "saying it," like you r I would say it (not really meaning it)?

[Mutt]

I'm happy to hear he's feeling better. My son gets frustrated in general too. When I say he was emotionally dysregulated its infrequent, I was very concerned the first time that he had said that.

He's going through assessments for GAD, he's had one and he has to go get checked again next year and they said he displays traits. I'm not concerned now, I don't think that he meant it, I think that he feels anxiety, he can get easily frustrated with the other kids sometimes. I have been validating him, he seems to be better than he was.

A lot of my kids behaviors, clinginess, stress, anxiety, peeing in bed was going on shortly after my ex's boyfriend moved in.

[Turkish]

Its hard to see what's normal at this age apart from the OM (or OW) situations. S5 said the other day, "I want OM to be my dad!" I practiced a non reaction (truthfully, I'm not worried about being replaced; he's 18 years younger than I am, young enough to be my son!), but that's the first time he's said that. Maybe he was fishing for a reaction... .

Their mom texed me yesterday, "how are the kids?" I answered, "fine." BIFF She hasn't checked in today. If she calls, I'll answer. This is technically her weekend. Too busy in Sin City I guess. I could have texted her a pic, but I resisted emotionally rescuing her. D3 is the one who asks about Mommy. S5 doesn't.

Might be something genetic with the GAD, and I think so with S5, his emotinal triggers I don't see in D3. I don't want to label my son as pre-BPD, but given his emotional sensitivities,.I'm watching... .

[Mutt]

I like that texting BIFF and not emotionally rescuing with a picture message It was nice of you watching the kids on her weekend while she's in Sin City.

I feel the same way Turkish and that its hard to know at this age what's normal behavior and I'm watching. I feel confident knowing that the kids have an emotionally mature parent that helps to keep the family grounded when our exes are mentally ill.

[livednlearned]

I'm in the same waiting/watching stance with S14. He's been dx'd ODD, ADD, anxiety/depression and has sensory processing issues. There seem to be some OCD traits too, though mild (N/BPDx had mild OCD too).

In addition to validating how he felt, I wish I had taught him socially acceptable ways to go off and cool his jets so he didn't have a bag of shame to deal with on top of everything else. There are some cool mindfulness techniques adapted specifically for kids -- they're starting to work this into the school district here. S14 would've really benefited from that kind of thing instead of stabbing kids with pencils when he felt flooded with emotion.

Boys with big feelings have a hard time in a world where boys aren't supposed to have feelings.  :'(

[Turkish]

Other than the usual, I haven't observed any bad behaviors from S5 this weekend. Their mom is going on another trip for 3 days now next week. So that means I've had them 4.5 weekends out of 5. Kinder orientation went well. Their mom thanked me at the end. For what, I don't know. Doing all the legwork, perhaps? I didn't ask, though maybe I should have.

She brought the kids. D3 was wearing a shirt which said something like,."someone who went to Vegas loved me enough to bring back this t-shirt." Classless, IMO. The kids might get it later on, or they won't. Maybe part of S5's acting out is the result of him seeing this from his age point-of-view.