How Do I Validate a Childs Attempt To Understand?

[bravhart1]

Still in PA hell over here, but through the worst of it (maybe?)

SD6 just came back from another week vacation with BPDm and it was just the two of us all afternoon. She wasn't angry or rude and seemed to be glad to be back home.

She had a rough week with Mom's temperment degrading as the week went on. She had a couple of things she wanted to talk about and while I have been doing all the reading on validation these two topics had me pretty stumped. Maybe you guys can help me figure out if she brings it up again how to respond?

1. She wanted to talk about how she was hurt that her mom seemed very happy and affectionate when she picked her up for the vacation, by the end mom was pushing her away (literally), being mean and told her that she was glad that SD6 was going back to dads because she was bad, messy, and ungrateful.

2. Mom took her again to the same place in our state for the second time this summer, she spends the whole time re-living the trip BPDm and Dad took there (just once) years ago before SD6 was born, but now with BPDm telling the story in her own way its "their place" that they went to all the time, with SD6 as a baby etc.

It seems on moms walks down memory lane all thats missing is Dad, and the family could be back in its blissful state of happiness. Only thats not the way dad has portrayed it and has made it clear that he does not want a reunion of any kind. SD6 is very confused and if I read her right maybe even a bit miffed that mom spent more time using her to wax nostalgic about dad and not enough attention to the child in front of her.

She wants to know why her mom does this and why her mom doesn't share the same reality of how things are, like the big elephant in the room dad is now married to Bravhart for years.

I'm sure its IS very confusing and maybe even the reason BPDm turned mean if SD6 said something to mom about her delusion but I had no idea how to validate it.

I said "how did that make you feel when she told you stories of dad?" and she responded that she is very confused and I said well maybe you can ask mom to explain it to her when she sees her again and she said "ya but she gets mad at me, thats why Im asking you"

She wants me to explain moms erratic behavior to her and how can I do that without dipping into the mental illness bucket which might scare her, or border myself on sounding like I'm mom bashing if I say she is just only seeing things through her own eyes and not showing empathy to SD6?

Any ideas?

Oh and one more thing, mom apparently shared some news story about a 10 yo boy luring a little girl into his house and killing her? Mom just wanted SD6 to know what a dangerous place the world is. She was pretty rattled about it. She wanted to know if she should be afraid of the kids across the street. Im at a loss... .i just don't know how you justify saying these things to a six year old and scaring her like that.

[Sunfl0wer]

I said "how did that make you feel when she told you stories of dad?" and she responded that she is very confused and I said well maybe you can ask mom to explain it to her when she sees her again and she said "ya but she gets mad at me, thats why Im asking you"

How about... .

Well, it is hard to know why someone does something sometimes isn't it?  That does sound confusing?  I am confused as well, I can't understand why she does that?  :)o you suppose mom knows why?  (Mom will likely share words that conflict with behaviors often... .maybe good idea to plant the seed that sometimes we are confused... .because the person we are trying to make sense of... .is confused.  This should be confusing to her.)

Then maybe also follow by telling her it is ok to try to understand... .however... .sometimes things are just confusing... .and that is ok too... .ok for her, for mom, and you.  (Maybe that will help communicate there is nothing to fix... .and if she feels confused... .she wont judge herself?)

[Nope]

I'm sure this whole thing is profoundly confusing for a kid. On one hand, her dad is supposed to be an evil horrible monster. On the other hand, mom wants to be back together with him. Then one one hand, Bravhart is evil and the reason mom and dad aren't together, on the other hand it doesn't matter that they are together because mom doesnt want to be with dad because he's an evil horrible monster. It's enough to make an adult head spin n.

My SD12 finally solved this for herself by deciding that her mom regretted leaving her dad and really wanted him back and was just dealing with those feelings in an angry way. This made mom's behavior acceptable and made dad a great guy that she didn't need to really be alienated from. And of course mom is always going to say terrible things about Nope because Nope has dad and mom's jealous. Ultimately, the BPD mom's inability to stay focused on just one view made full scale alienation impossible. Even with DH only being able to see the kids a few times a year.

Things have changed in the last year since BPD mom has had a new boyfriend and there is no longer any reason to doubt her perception that I'm a horrible person. So it's a good thing the kids live with us where we work hard to make sure they don't feel like any adult's feelings need to be their problem.

I agree with Sunflower that getting across to her that it's OK to be confused and not have answers is important. But kids that age have a terrible time with grey area and things that aren't absolute. Hopefully eventually she'll just shrug her shoulders and get on with the business of being a kid.