What would you do?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Gd needed a computer for school next year.  We (her father and I -gm) decided to get her to work to earn pocket money to help pay for it. Gd had wanted to pay for it but  her mother (ex Bpd dil) stole gd's savings from her bank account (have written about this before and addressed it with gd but not ex dil). Gd eventually told her mother she needed one and on the way to the shop exdil says in a cranky voice "your grandparents should be paying for this as they're rich" (we're not! !). I addressed this with gd telling her it is the parents role to bring up their children not grandparents and also we are not rich but have worked very hard and saved well.

Question 1) do they all have this sense of entitlement that someone else will fix all problems especially when it comes to money?

The computer was purchased but since then exdil has refused to produce receipts to son so he can pay his share. As he is naive and she constantly controls and changes the rules I have suggested he stand firm and say I will pay you when you show me the receipt.  She is also not to be trusted when it comes to money which is a big problem.

Question 2) what would others do in these circumstances?

[mother in law]

Gd needed a computer for school next year.  We (her father and I -gm) decided to get her to work to earn pocket money to help pay for it. Gd had wanted to pay for it but  her mother (ex Bpd dil) stole gd's savings from her bank account (have written about this before and addressed it with gd but not ex dil). Gd eventually told her mother she needed one and on the way to the shop exdil says in a cranky voice "your grandparents should be paying for this as they're rich" (we're not! !). I addressed this with gd telling her it is the parents role to bring up their children not grandparents and also we are not rich but have worked very hard and saved well.

Question 1) do they all have this sense of entitlement that someone else will fix all problems especially when it comes to money?

The computer was purchased but since then exdil has refused to produce receipts to son so he can pay his share. As he is naive and she constantly controls and changes the rules I have suggested he stand firm and say I will pay you when you show me the receipt.  She is also not to be trusted when it comes to money which is a big problem.

Question 2) what would others do in these circumstances?

[Swiggle]

It is so frustrating when something simple like this turns into something that causes everyone discomfort. The good news is GD got what she needed and you and your son helped her work toward that without just handing to her on a silver platter. It is my experience that they do feel a sense of entitlement when it comes to stuff and money. My thoughts on why they feel this way are

They think they can't afford it because they can't remotely think about "giving up" their wants in order to have the money, they are to selfish for that.

She feels you have more money than she does and could buy it without having to give up as much. How dare you not do something that would make her life easier so they get angry and become the victim. It is probably to painful to admit to herself or anyone that she is to selfish to do what she needs to do for her daughter.

I am in total agreement for your son not to give her any money unless she can produce a receipt from the purchase. This is a boundary I don't think he should back down from. Maybe an email to her along the lines of

Dear Ex. I understand that GD got her new laptop, please send me a copy of the receipt so that I can reimburse you my portion. Once I get that from you I will drop a check in the mail.

Thanks Son

Once he does this I wouldn't say anything else about it. If she responds always reply with I haven't received copy of the receipt, once I do I will drop a check in the mail. And keep saying it until she sends it or until she stops hounding him for it. At least with the email he is covered and has documentation should it ever be needed.

[PinkieV]

My DH's uBPDew would demand payment with no receipt. When he finally set a boundary, she emailed him a link on Amazon to the musical instrument she had "purchased"!  When that didn't work she pretended to be SS15 - then 13 - asking "why do you hate me why won't you help me"?  Stand strong, repeat the request, and don't pay unless you get it!

[mother in law]

Thanks pinkie v and swiggle.  Still no receipt and son still sticking to his guns and doing as you and I say not paying. So that is good and an improvement. Dil tried to coerce gd to  withdraw pocket money to pay her mother. Son has refused that too as dil stole gd's last pocket money from her account (a significant amount) so she should consider herself paid with that.  Tis good he us standing strong as when son asks ex for help paying for music and sport dil refuses. I think he had finally woken and realizes when he is being taken for a ride.  Thankfully he has also left a paper trail with this one.