Back on track

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

After I had my own meltdown I finally got back on track and got my eyes off my ex and back on my daughter where they belong. I think I got off track because my focus changed due to my own insecurity's and fear of the effects of PA.  I cant help my daughter if im a mess so I had to get my thoughts back in order and stop being triggered by my ex.

One of my issues is I don't feel that im doing enough for my daughter and also I don't have enough confidence in myself as a father to have a good enough bond with my daughter to withstand my exs storm of PA, I had to really step back and look at the situation and my relationship with my daughter. What I see is a great relationship with my daughter that will be strong enough to withstand PA from my ex. I just need to relax, keep my head straight and push forward.

I had my daughter today and it was a great day she was back to acting like herself and wasn't depressed and distant

My ex informed me that the new babysitter ( 5th one ) isn't working out and she ( my ex ) cant stand the drama  I guess there is only room for one drama queen  .

So now she wants to put my daughter back in a daycare, the problem is my ex lost her child care funding and is asking me to pay half of the daycare cost on top of my monthly child support until she gets the funding back.

Also I want to get my daughter in counseling but more then likely wont happen until I go back to court. I have to face the fact that my daughter my have issues like my ex, Im curious at what age can they tell if a  problem exists? 

[Eco]

After I had my own meltdown I finally got back on track and got my eyes off my ex and back on my daughter where they belong. I think I got off track because my focus changed due to my own insecurity's and fear of the effects of PA.  I cant help my daughter if im a mess so I had to get my thoughts back in order and stop being triggered by my ex.

One of my issues is I don't feel that im doing enough for my daughter and also I don't have enough confidence in myself as a father to have a good enough bond with my daughter to withstand my exs storm of PA, I had to really step back and look at the situation and my relationship with my daughter. What I see is a great relationship with my daughter that will be strong enough to withstand PA from my ex. I just need to relax, keep my head straight and push forward.

I had my daughter today and it was a great day she was back to acting like herself and wasn't depressed and distant

My ex informed me that the new babysitter ( 5th one ) isn't working out and she ( my ex ) cant stand the drama  I guess there is only room for one drama queen  .

So now she wants to put my daughter back in a daycare, the problem is my ex lost her child care funding and is asking me to pay half of the daycare cost on top of my monthly child support until she gets the funding back.

Also I want to get my daughter in counseling but more then likely wont happen until I go back to court. I have to face the fact that my daughter my have issues like my ex, Im curious at what age can they tell if a  problem exists? 

[ambivalentmom]

Hey Eco!

     I'm glad to hear you are putting your focus on your daughter and thinking about all the things you can do to be closer to her.  I tried to read some past posts of yours.  She is 2 1/2 now?  I would love to talk to you more about this.

[livednlearned]

Hi Eco,

There is an examination called the Strange Situation test that is used by some custody evaluators when very young children are involved. It's based on attachment styles, and child psychologists use it to try and determine a child's bond to his/her caretaker. You might want to ask your lawyer if this is something used in your county court system. There was a member who came through here a while ago who said that the custody evaluation used this procedure, and he was awarded full custody in part because of how things played out in the Strange Situation test. I can't remember the member's name, unfortunately.

There is a very good chance that a child psychologist will see signs of insecure attachment in your D. From what you describe, your ex does not do well at regulating her emotions, and this likely has an effect on D, not to mention the constant change in caregivers.

Do you plan to split the cost of child care?

[kells76]

Eco, could you remind me if your D's mom has any say in whether D gets counseling?

[Eco]

She is 2 1/2 now?  I would love to talk to you more about this.

almost, 29 months. Thanks, feel free to ask me anything.

There is an examination called the Strange Situation test that is used by some custody evaluators when very young children are involved. It's based on attachment styles, and child psychologists use it to try and determine a child's bond to his/her caretaker. You might want to ask your lawyer if this is something used in your county court system. There was a member who came through here a while ago who said that the custody evaluation used this procedure, and he was awarded full custody in part because of how things played out in the Strange Situation test. I can't remember the member's name, unfortunately.

Thanks, I will look into that.

Do you plan to split the cost of child care?

I cant really afford it but I will split the cost until she gets the child care assistance back or things change when we go to court

Eco, could you remind me if your D's mom has any say in whether D gets counseling?

she has final say in things at the moment, I am going back to court to get the court order changed hopefully. Her last statement about counseling for my daughter when I suggested it was " I will take her If she needs it and without you, you don't need to be there for it" I disagreed and said that I should be involved.