Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 05:28:29 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Experts share their discoveries [video]
100
Caretaking - What is it all about?
Margalis Fjelstad, PhD
Blame - why we do it?
Brené Brown, PhD
Family dynamics matter.
Alan Fruzzetti, PhD
A perspective on BPD
Ivan Spielberg, PhD
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: He's now splitting me white but not reuniting  (Read 423 times)
shatra
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1292


« on: August 09, 2015, 04:25:28 PM »

Hi---

 My BPDbf and I  took a couple of "breaks" before  due to his unavailability and my frustration with it (he was working days, me nights).  When we reunited, I initiated it, and he said "I thought you hated me. I was afraid you were done with me"

  On our last weekend together I indicated I didn't fully like the sex one time, and then he pulled away. He might have felt abandoned. Then we had a discussion a week later about schedules , I got slightly irritated, and he said If you're gonna get mad at me we might as well end the relationship".      So we ended it, and didn't speak for over 5 months. I called him twice this month, and he reacted badly (he didn't know why we were still speaking!). Maybe he felt engulfed.

  And the call ended with him saying "Good luck to you. You'll find someone better than me".  

    Yet in the recent phone calls, he split me white----"You were my ideal---you were everything to me I really loved you, etc."  I am upset because:

----Though he is now splitting me white, months later, he still does not want to reunite, and is telling me I'll find someone better than him.

---He is splitting me white but saying he ended it and doesn't know the reason why.

----I fear that if I try to reach out in the near future he will feel engulfed, yet I am anxious just leaving it alone.  He is so inconsistent that I wonder if I shuould check with him in a month (or would that trigger him again)?

---If they split you white, do they still not try a recycle until later if at all?

Thanks

SHatra
Logged
RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

Ceruleanblue
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 1343



« Reply #1 on: August 09, 2015, 07:22:34 PM »

I don't see how he could possible feel engulfed with such little contact? I think if he wants contact, he'd contact you? If you really are his ideal, he needs to pursue you, and not make you do all the work. You are actually worth more than someone you have to chase, we all are.

And some recycle, and some don't. It seems to mostly be on their terms though, or when they are not dysregulated.
Logged
shatra
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1292


« Reply #2 on: August 10, 2015, 12:23:27 PM »

True, I wouldn't feel "engulfed" by 2 long phone calls.  But with his BPD, yes that is enough to trigger it. Just like my criticizing the sex one time probably felt like I was saying he was always 100% terrible every time (in his mind). The slightest word can feel like an avalanche to him.

  In the past it was more my role doing the contacting. I'd contact him after a break and he said "I'm glad you reached out. I was afraid to call since I thought you hated me"  The phone calls triggered him (I was badgering him instead of validating during the calls and he blew up at me) so now he is dysregulated again.  Yet he is splitting me white, and not contacting me?

Shatra
Logged
turbo squash
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 101



« Reply #3 on: August 10, 2015, 12:58:55 PM »

The phone calls triggered him (I was badgering him instead of validating during the calls and he blew up at me) so now he is dysregulated again.  Yet he is splitting me white, and not contacting me?

Shatra

I don't have much to contribute other than the fact that I am going through a similar situation right now. My wife and I have been separated for a little over two months now. For the first month, I was the scum of the earth. For the previous month I have been progressively a little better and a little better in her eyes. Yesterday we talked on the phone for 4.5 hours... .more than we ever have on any other day in our entire relationship. She says that she ended her affair and based on how much she is talking to me here recently, I believe it.

But we are still not back together yet. She says that she wants to get back together and wants to fix our marriage but that she is scared. She seems to be getting progressively closer to making a definitive decision to fix the marriage, but she hasn't yet.

As many others would say, try to stay centered and remember what you want. When I met with my therapist this past week, she told me to make a list of the things that I wanted from the marital relationship and to think about whether or not she would be able to offer those things to me. I made my list and my wife had already given me 14/16 items on the list in the past. The other two were things she said wouldn't be a problem. Because of this, I took renewed vigor in being patient and less reactive so that our marriage might be able to heal... .because I realized that she has given me almost all the things that I want for 94.4% of the time we have been together.

Do you feel like your ex can give you the things that you want out of a relationship?
Logged
ptilda
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 243


« Reply #4 on: August 10, 2015, 01:23:16 PM »

I can relate. Not that I'm "white" yet, but he has gone from saying, "I can never love you" to saying how much he loves me but can't be with me because of all the horrible things I've done. But he continues to reach out and try to get me to do things for him. We don't live together and the only contact we have is Facebook messenger. It used to be that any messages I sent would be strictly ignored, but now he will respond within 24 hours or so (sometimes immediately) although the responses are still filled with anger and shame (which he can't deal with so it just comes out in anger).

I would say at this point, maybe think about getting together for coffee? Would he respond to you if you asked him to meet you for an hour? Maybe if you let him know he's someone you trust and you want to talk about life? If he has a role in your life (i.e. a listening ear) he could start thinking about things in those terms again. But again, I'm no expert, just someone going through it myself.

Logged
EaglesJuju
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 1653



« Reply #5 on: August 10, 2015, 04:41:02 PM »

Hi Shatra, 

   And the call ended with him saying "Good luck to you. You'll find someone better than me". 

     Yet in the recent phone calls, he split me white----"You were my ideal---you were everything to me I really loved you, etc."  I am upset because:

----Though he is now splitting me white, months later, he still does not want to reunite, and is telling me I'll find someone better than him.

---He is splitting me white but saying he ended it and doesn't know the reason why.

It is the conundrum of the pwBPD, they really want to be able to sustain a stable relationship with you, but with all their shame, low-self worth/self-esteem they are unable to at the current time. It is like he believes that he does not deserve you and is pushing you away before you can 'do it to him.'  Also, he confirmed his low self-worth by stating that he thought you hated him.  It is a form of projecting his inner feelings.

With that being said, he almost wants you to hate him, to validate his shame/self-loathing. The fact that you did not abandon him and are there for him, is a complete contradiction of what he thinks about himself. It is a paradox, sometimes when you are being validating you can almost make a pwBPD feel worse, especially if they are going through a major depressive episode. This type of thinking from the pwBPD is self-defeating, becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Unconsciously, you trigger his shame and low self-worth. Consciously, he is idealizing you. As you can imagine this can be very confusing for a pwBPD.  He is dually trying to juggle his vacillating emotions.

Have you tried giving him a little space?




Logged

"In order to take control of our lives and accomplish something of lasting value, sooner or later we need to Believe. We simply need to believe in the power that is within us, and use it." -Benjamin Hoff
Herodias
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1787


« Reply #6 on: August 10, 2015, 04:54:57 PM »

"I don't see how he could possible feel engulfed with such little contact? I think if he wants contact, he'd contact you? If you really are his ideal, he needs to pursue you, and not make you do all the work. You are actually worth more than someone you have to chase, we all are."

     I agree with this statement... .Mine says he wants me back, but stays with the gf. Then he'll say too much has happened... .then he'll say I will find someone much better and he is a mean person and is not going to change. People tell you who they are if we listen. I am beginning to not feel sorry for him for being mentally ill anymore. I am tired of being used and abused. I am tired of feeling second... .I don't think they know what they want except to have several options if one doesn't work out. I think when you say anything negative or have a fight, they think the r/s is over and find someone else quickly, "just in case"... .I told mine he should be chasing me- he said you are correct. I was supposed to notice that he is not doing that- dumb me! One minute he loves me and is done with her and wants to come home- the next day he is taking her to meet his Uncle... .it just is too aggravating. I am feeling like I wish I had someone in my life, but if it is going to be like this- forget it... .not worth all of the drama and effort for nothing but constant heartache. Sorry, but that's my take. 
Logged
ptilda
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 243


« Reply #7 on: August 10, 2015, 05:27:06 PM »

"I don't see how he could possible feel engulfed with such little contact? I think if he wants contact, he'd contact you? If you really are his ideal, he needs to pursue you, and not make you do all the work. You are actually worth more than someone you have to chase, we all are."

     I agree with this statement... .Mine says he wants me back, but stays with the gf. Then he'll say too much has happened... .then he'll say I will find someone much better and he is a mean person and is not going to change. People tell you who they are if we listen. I am beginning to not feel sorry for him for being mentally ill anymore. I am tired of being used and abused. I am tired of feeling second... .I don't think they know what they want except to have several options if one doesn't work out. I think when you say anything negative or have a fight, they think the r/s is over and find someone else quickly, "just in case"... .I told mine he should be chasing me- he said you are correct. I was supposed to notice that he is not doing that- dumb me! One minute he loves me and is done with her and wants to come home- the next day he is taking her to meet his Uncle... .it just is too aggravating. I am feeling like I wish I had someone in my life, but if it is going to be like this- forget it... .not worth all of the drama and effort for nothing but constant heartache. Sorry, but that's my take. 

I feel you on this! Mine told me three different times (that I recall) that he's a mean person and "very difficult" and that he pushes good women away and makes them leave. Of course he usually says it in past tense as in "I've learned a lot and I'm not like that anymore" and because he was so sweet to me 98% of the time, I believed him.

I'm angry at him at least 50% of the time. I really think that the BPD needs to be handled a bit more as a "come to Jesus" issue as in, "so, get your S*&$ together because you're running out of people to screw over and blame." But the reality is that before that can happen, they have to realize it. No one can convince them. SO frustrating.

At the very least, know you're not alone.
Logged
123Phoebe
Staying and Undecided
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 2070



« Reply #8 on: August 10, 2015, 05:44:41 PM »

I told mine he should be chasing me- he said you are correct. I was supposed to notice that he is not doing that- dumb me!  

Sounds like you did notice and brought it to his attention.  One of the hardest things for me to do, because I am naturally outwardly focused (have to be in my job, to maintain friendships, to care for pets, pay attention to others... .  I CARE!), was to take care of myself without my guy's permission.  It's needy and clingy to tell him what he should be doing.  He has to want to feel like coming to me.  He WANTS to feel those feelings Thought
Logged
shatra
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1292


« Reply #9 on: August 11, 2015, 05:31:19 PM »

Hi---

Ptida wrote

Would he respond to you if you asked him to meet you for an hour?

-----He is splitting me white but saying he ended it and he "doesn't know the reason why".  I fear that if I ask him to meet me he will feel engulfed and he might say "We are not together anymore---I won't meet you" which would hurt my feelings and my ego.  It's a good suggestion though, I'll consider it.

Turbo asked--

Do you feel like your ex can give you the things that you want out of a relationship?

---It's great that your wife gives you so many out of the 15 things you are seeking! In my case, he can give me intensity and care SOMETIMES, but I doubt if he can give me the loyalty and consistency I need.

Shatra

Logged
shatra
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1292


« Reply #10 on: August 12, 2015, 06:31:58 PM »

Ptilda wrote---

I can relate. Not that I'm "white" yet, but he has gone from saying, "I can never love you" to saying how much he loves me but can't be with me because of all the horrible things I've done.

-----Yes, they switch back and forth a lot. That's why I'm thinking my BPD might switch from saying "Goodbye and good luck. Hope you find  someone better than  me"  to reaching out again... .but I'm still confused and unsure about it. I wish he would reach out, because I feel anxious reaching out to him since he is at the point of saying I was "good for him"  but he still isn't reaching out to me. I thought when they split you white again is when they attempt to return.

Shatra
Logged
ptilda
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 243


« Reply #11 on: August 12, 2015, 09:59:02 PM »

My tactic? Presented him an opportunity to "save" me. Told him I was sick (had the worst headache and fever EVER) and couldn't drive to Walgreens to get Thera Flu. Now it's in his hands! He's loving this! Not only did he come to the house (after swearing he needed police escort to be anywhere near me because he was "endangering his life" to be in the same place as me), but he came back and brought $100 cash to tide me over the missed work. He vows he'll keep helping me. I'm trying to show him that divorce is the worst way for him to "handle" the situation because he faces a very real probability of arrest and deportation, but he's stubborn and swears there's "no way."

So, long way to go, but progress has been made.
Logged
shatra
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1292


« Reply #12 on: August 13, 2015, 02:22:20 PM »

Ptida wrote

"Not only did he come to the house (after swearing he needed police escort to be anywhere near me because he was "endangering his life" to be in the same place as me), but he came back and brought $100 cash to tide me over the missed work. "

   Sounds like yours is coming around in your direction. What a switch, from his wanting police escorts to wanting to help you! I wonder if my BPD might switch from saying "Goodbye and good luck. Hope you find  someone better than  me"  to reaching out again... .he is at the point of saying I was "good for him"  but he still isn't reaching out to me. I thought when they split you white again is when they attempt to return.

Shatra
Logged
ptilda
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 243


« Reply #13 on: August 13, 2015, 03:05:25 PM »

I think it will take some time to balance. They have to justify their overreactions somehow. My husband saw me and was next to tears. He is deeply affected by me still. I'm his weakness, and he knows it. This makes him feel really insecure. He feels like I don't need him as much as he needs me.

When I told him I was sick and asked if he could help me get medicine, it was an opportunity to allow him to see his value in our relationship. He is my partner, and one I depend on in time of need . . . or so it should be. And in the conversation we talked about him needing a job that worked with his long school hours (CNA). I suggested an overnight PCA job (knowing his current living situation is not ideal, and getting paid to work a few hours and sleep the rest of the time, with free rent is a pretty good deal for him right now). I told him I'll look for some jobs, and he said, "you can apply for me, you have all my information." This is him again opening the door. A week ago he didn't want any connection because he just KNEW I was going to try to hurt or even kill him . . . at least put him in jail and have him deported.

Maybe find a way that you can use his help "as friends." Show him that he's valuable and needed and that you are CHOOSING to reach out to him. It worked for me. Or should I say it's WORKING . . .
Logged
shatra
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1292


« Reply #14 on: August 14, 2015, 04:56:33 PM »

Good idea. Maybe it would help to ask for their help... .in my case he seems to be splitting me white "You "WERE" the best thing that happened to me" but splitting the relationship bad "It didn't work out---not sure why".  So I fear he would react badly again if I reach out to him.
Logged
GreenGrover

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Friend
Posts: 28


« Reply #15 on: August 14, 2015, 05:10:19 PM »

"I don't see how he could possible feel engulfed with such little contact? I think if he wants contact, he'd contact you? If you really are his ideal, he needs to pursue you, and not make you do all the work. You are actually worth more than someone you have to chase, we all are."

     I agree with this statement... .Mine says he wants me back, but stays with the gf. Then he'll say too much has happened... .then he'll say I will find someone much better and he is a mean person and is not going to change. People tell you who they are if we listen. I am beginning to not feel sorry for him for being mentally ill anymore. I am tired of being used and abused. I am tired of feeling second... .I don't think they know what they want except to have several options if one doesn't work out. I think when you say anything negative or have a fight, they think the r/s is over and find someone else quickly, "just in case"... .I told mine he should be chasing me- he said you are correct. I was supposed to notice that he is not doing that- dumb me! One minute he loves me and is done with her and wants to come home- the next day he is taking her to meet his Uncle... .it just is too aggravating. I am feeling like I wish I had someone in my life, but if it is going to be like this- forget it... .not worth all of the drama and effort for nothing but constant heartache. Sorry, but that's my take. 

I feel you on this! Mine told me three different times (that I recall) that he's a mean person and "very difficult" and that he pushes good women away and makes them leave. Of course he usually says it in past tense as in "I've learned a lot and I'm not like that anymore" and because he was so sweet to me 98% of the time, I believed him.

I'm angry at him at least 50% of the time. I really think that the BPD needs to be handled a bit more as a "come to Jesus" issue as in, "so, get your S*&$ together because you're running out of people to screw over and blame." But the reality is that before that can happen, they have to realize it. No one can convince them. SO frustrating.

At the very least, know you're not alone.

I really thought that my exbffBPD had that "come to Jesus" moment, but she is just too good at getting people to feel sorry for her.  She moves every three months or so.  And I keep thinking, "Ok, she has to have run out of people by now.  The thing is, she has her dad in her back pocket still, so he's always an option.   This sounds incredibly mean of me to say, but I just want to see her really hit rock bottom.
Logged
shatra
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1292


« Reply #16 on: August 15, 2015, 12:44:37 PM »

That's understandable, feeling upset and wanting them to hit rock bottom. I am feeling confused about the "why" of the goodbye (no real practical reason was given for it)... .he is now saying positive things about me, but not reaching out.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!