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Author Topic: Her first day  (Read 502 times)
maxsterling
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« on: August 10, 2015, 05:20:12 PM »

Today is her first day of teaching class.  I have a bit of anxiety over what I will face when I get home tonight. Last night and over the weekend, she obviously was quite anxious and at times in a snippy mood.  This morning, the near melt down because once again she could not decide what to wear.  Any important day is the same story.  She has no clothes that fit, nothing to wear, I feel that she is implying it is somehow my fault, she asks for my help, and then tells me to shut up the second I open my mouth. 

She's already starting to assume the other teachers hate her, and is obsessing over it.  And there is one other teacher that W is particularly obsessing over and finding especially annoying.   End result is stress=anxiety=criticism and rage directed at me.  But all-in-all, I still see this time as being somewhat better than the last two times.  Part of it may be because I am making myself less available to be her punching bag.

And while things aren't perfect, I think I have done a better job with boundaries, not over extending myself in helping her, and doing a better job at validation and simply taking care of my needs.  I've been working a second job; W doesn't like it because I am not as available, and the second job gives me less free time, but the way I see it if I wasn't working the second job I would not have any more free time because I would be asked to spend my time helping her. 

My emotions have been swinging all over the place.  At one moment, I will have extremely tender feelings for her and want to spend time with her, and then maybe a few minutes later feel like this is impossible and want out.  I will have to say that is different than where I was a few weeks ago, when I felt completely burnt out most of the time.  It's been months since I had felt those tender feelings. 

I'm trying to let go of expectations, especially positive ones.  Specifically, trying to let go of any expectation I have of her being successful or keeping this job.  The past two jobs I had expectations, and made plans for what I wanted to do based upon her working.  This time I need to focus on doing what is best for me no matter what.

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« Reply #1 on: August 10, 2015, 11:30:54 PM »

That sounds like a great plan, Max. It sounds like you are in a somewhat better place right now.

My BPDh is similar in that he usually has "targets" that he focuses on. He used to hate his old boss, then it was my son, but there always seems to be someone. They seem to like to pin their anger onto someone, maybe? I'm not sure why they do it, but it sure doesn't seem healthy. We all have people we don't like, but to obsess over them can't be healthy.

Hang in there, and hope this job works out for your wife, but if it doesn't, it won't come as a shock to you. We can want good things for them, but if they self sabotage, that's on them.
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« Reply #2 on: August 11, 2015, 09:15:30 AM »

Last night was lots of tears.  Two teachers on her team she has already decided she hates.  They annoy her, she thinks they are incompetent, and doesn't want to work with them.  I can see why she is annoyed - they are new teachers and very needy.  In other words, they act like her.  Last night she told me she "doesn't want to do this anymore", told me she feels like this is going to kill her, and begged me not to leave her.

The reality as I see it - these other teachers may be needy, but not that bad or different than people one may encounter at any job.  It's up to W to establish healthy boundaries without coming across as selfish - a basic life skill that all of us have to do. 

All indications are that by the end of 2015, she will no longer have this job.
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« Reply #3 on: August 11, 2015, 09:25:19 AM »

They annoy her, she thinks they are incompetent, and doesn't want to work with them.  I can see why she is annoyed - they are new teachers and very needy.  In other words, they act like her.  

My wife has a lot of trouble with people who are a threat to her in some way at work/church.  My wife is extremely smart, very talented, and like most people, feel threatened by people of the similar caliber.  I have struggled with that my whole life too.  As a coach, I have had to get over it, learn to adapt and learn what I can from other coaches to better myself.  I am doing a much better job validating this fear in her as I did a poor job in the past.  I believe it comes from the fear that they (whoever that may be in her life) will find someone better and get rid of her.    
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« Reply #4 on: August 11, 2015, 10:03:02 AM »

Last night was lots of tears.  Two teachers on her team she has already decided she hates.  They annoy her, she thinks they are incompetent, and doesn't want to work with them.  I can see why she is annoyed - they are new teachers and very needy.  In other words, they act like her.  Last night she told me she "doesn't want to do this anymore", told me she feels like this is going to kill her, and begged me not to leave her.

The reality as I see it - these other teachers may be needy, but not that bad or different than people one may encounter at any job.  It's up to W to establish healthy boundaries without coming across as selfish - a basic life skill that all of us have to do. 

All indications are that by the end of 2015, she will no longer have this job.

Sounds familiar, especially the problems at work spilling over into her begging you not to leave.

Whenever I start to get caught up in my partner's workplace drama, I try to remember that the same thinking patterns she shows in our relationship (projection, black-and-white thinking, drama triangle, etc) will also show up in the workplace, although usually to a lesser extent. The other teachers might actually act like her, or she might be projecting onto them her fears of being incompetent as a new teacher. If she really thinks she'll have to leave because the OTHER teachers are so bad, why would that make her afraid that you'll leave her?

I think it's very wise of you to not depend on her keeping this job. Keep yourself and your stuff as far away from the rollercoaster as possible.
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« Reply #5 on: August 11, 2015, 02:57:50 PM »

Its just one of those situations where logic does not apply.  Most people will probably get agitated if they feel their co-workers don't like them.  But most people will learn to correct their own behavior to at least somewhat alleviate the problem.  W tends to get paranoid before anything happens, assumes the worst, then takes defensive positions that facilitate the worst actually happening. 

She's been asking my advice regarding these other teachers.  I don't want to say nothing, but I also don't want to tell her what to do.  So, I've been reminding her that it is not her job to train the new teachers, and there are ways of enforcing boundaries that don't put people off.  I validated and said I feel her frustration, and that these situations happen with any job.  My advice was to talk to the person whose job it actually is to ensure the other teachers have what they need (the instructional coach): 

"Hey, [instructional coach], I have noticed [new teacher 1] and [new teacher 2] seem very anxious and nervous, and have been asking me many questions.  I don't have time to help them, but I do want to make sure they get their concerns answered.  Would you have time to talk with them?"

and then to address the other teachers like this: 

"There is a lot of anxiety with starting at a new school. I'm nervous, too.  I'd love to help you with your concerns, but I am also very busy right now.  I've found [instructional coach] very helpful in answering my questions.  Perhaps he is available to help you?"

I think W really listened to my advice, and did her best to follow it.  But I think her body language tends to always come across as frustrated and agitated, and the new teachers may have gotten another impression, and the instructional coach may have gotten another impression.  At least W is admitting that she has chronic problems in working with others, and has always had this problem.  In her mind, she thinks she comes across as condescending.  That's probably true, because her way of dealing with others is very invalidating.   
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« Reply #6 on: August 11, 2015, 04:13:31 PM »

Hi max,

Excerpt
I think W really listened to my advice, and did her best to follow it.  But I think her body language tends to always come across as frustrated and agitated, and the new teachers may have gotten another impression, and the instructional coach may have gotten another impression.  At least W is admitting that she has chronic problems in working with others, and has always had this problem.  In her mind, she thinks she comes across as condescending.  That's probably true, because her way of dealing with others is very invalidating.    

It is a fine line you are walking here. The more advice you give the more you get involved and enmeshed with her. Please be careful and leave decisions explicitly with her no matter how much she wants to shed that responsibility. The more she leans on you the less she can regulate her own emotions and you got a real rage problem on your hands.

We all are called up to support our partners in their jobs and doing that well is adding real value to the relationship. The situations with external parties can be real learning opportunities. But then with pwBPD it also can be difficult to stick to a healthy detached role. Coach role may be safer than advisor role which is closer to the role a T has. And we really can't be the latter.

Let us know how the first day went. I suspect there were a few things she got upset about however the whole day went much better than everyone feared. PwBPD struggle in new environment often less but develop problems over time.
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« Reply #7 on: August 12, 2015, 09:29:15 AM »

She said second day went better - no quarrels with other teachers.  She went to T afterwards, and then basically came home, ate, and fell asleep.  I worked 2nd job last night.  She also went out and bought a bunch of sugar - doughnuts and milkshakes.  Generally, that is her go-to soothing mechanism.  Last night and this morning were more tears and her saying she doesn't want to work anymore, with plenty of "don't leave me" and "help me" scattered throughout. 

She then got on me about working a second job, saying she feels lonely.  She asked why I work a second job, and I was hesitant to give her an explanation (jadE), but I gave her a quick one.  "I work now so that I can pay down some bills so that we can do things like have a baby in the future."  There's truth to that - I don't trust she will be able to keep this job and I need to do what I need to do in order to pay down some bills. 
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« Reply #8 on: August 12, 2015, 10:15:33 AM »

 

How much time did you spend listening to the complaints... issues in the morning?

Is that more or less than in the past?

Hoping you can wean her off of using you to soothe... .

Never will go away completely... .but I suspect you will feel much better with less listening to that...

FF
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« Reply #9 on: August 12, 2015, 10:42:48 AM »

Max, you have promised her a baby while having a restraining order ready to serve. You've said she wasn't stable enough to be a parent and have been concerned about her violent and suicidal tendencies.

This seems like crazy making behavior on your part. Is this what you think you need to do to placate her?
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« Reply #10 on: August 12, 2015, 11:07:32 AM »

Max, you have promised her a baby while having a restraining order ready to serve. You've said she wasn't stable enough to be a parent and have been concerned about her violent and suicidal tendencies.

This seems like crazy making behavior on your part. Is this what you think you need to do to placate her?

Same as Cat. I'm a bit floored at this statement.  The emotions over her wanting a baby have led to major disregulations for her, and even if she did not have BPD and the emotional issues she has now, being almost 40 and wanting a baby could be emotional for anyone. This sounds like the carrot on the stick- the baby is not out of the question- maybe it never was- but it is somewhere in the nebulous maybe possible one day future while the biological clock is ticking.

Maybe this placated her for now, but this issue is important to her and what you say about this matters.
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« Reply #11 on: August 12, 2015, 11:12:42 AM »

the problem is, *I* want to have a child, too.  And I feel like this is my last reasonable shot at it.  I'm tired of waiting, and I felt like I have been waiting for her to get her act together.  Me working a second job is about taking matters into my own hands, and getting us in better financial shape knowing I can no longer wait around for her to find a stable job. 
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« Reply #12 on: August 12, 2015, 11:45:06 AM »

max, what will a day in the life of your baby look like? What happens in the morning? What happens at noon? What happens in the evening? What happens during the night?
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« Reply #13 on: August 12, 2015, 11:52:43 AM »

So, Max, you must feel kind of desperate to know your wife is severely mentally ill and think that you still want to have a child with her.

It boggles my mind that after all you've been through with her that you still are considering this.

She has lots of psychological support with a variety of professionals, yet it seems there's little hope for her to even be able to function at the lowest levels of normality.

And you want to bring a child into this world. A child who would be around her constantly while you work to support them.

One thing for sure, as long as you stay with her, you will never have the opportunity to meet a healthy woman and have a healthy relationship and bring healthy, well adjusted children into the world. Forty is not that old to start again... .
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« Reply #14 on: August 12, 2015, 12:07:49 PM »

I think this is a desperate issue for both of you.

She wants a baby and you do too. Each time you bring it up, this gets her hopes up. It would be great if this is somewhere in your futures, but biologically, the time is short for her.

I know that finances is one of your concerns, but it doesn't address your wife's emotional issues or ability to mother a child.

Max, you married her as she is. We can hope for our spouses to change and improve, but that is really just hope. The spouse we are married to is who they are. We can get help for the relationship, ourselves, make changes for the better, but they are who they are. If I thought my H married me in hopes that I would become a tall supermodel, well that would feel awful for both of us as I am short, and will always be short .  Are your expectations of your wife things she can not meet?

Regardless of any discussion about whether or not to have a baby, this is a serious emotional issue and considering your wife's age, putting off the decision is the same as not having one for her, not for you. I'm not suggesting she should or should not have one, that is not my business, but I do understand the emotions of the situation she is in and also yours.
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« Reply #15 on: August 12, 2015, 12:18:37 PM »

Max

What does 'waiting around for your wife to get her act together' mean?  Financial security won't make your wife any more stable, or emotionally able to have a child. She has a serious diagnosed mental illness.

Wanting a child and being emotionally ready to raise a child does not sound like something that either of you are emotionally equipped to deal with at the moment.

Wanting a child and knowing and accepting it is not possible with your wife is a question that might yet have to be explored by you.

This is not meant in anyway to be judgemental, my comments are based on what you have been posting over the last few years, especially these last few months.

KateCat posts some apt questions. I wonder too what a day in the life of your child might look like, given the ongoing instability you are both continuing to face.
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« Reply #16 on: August 12, 2015, 12:39:13 PM »

You've been concerned about the safety of your pets in her care, yet you want to have a baby with her? I have no words.
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« Reply #17 on: August 12, 2015, 03:11:58 PM »

Max, I feel as if your situation just took a severe left turn... .

Baby?

What happens when your wife is crying and screaming at night that she doesn't want to do the "baby" work anymore?
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« Reply #18 on: August 12, 2015, 06:52:28 PM »

I have three daughters with a BPD wife.  They do normal little kid things, but it really bothers my wife that she can't totally control their every action.  She sets unreasonable and arbitrary rules for them, then flips out if they break them.  Her interactions with them mostly consist of being on Facebook all day and yelling at them if they bother her, or dragging them along on her all-day shopping trips and yelling at them when they get bored with that and start acting up.  I am reasonably confident they are fed, clothed, cleaned, and physically safe while I'm away from the house, but I know they aren't nurtured, stimulated, or treated consistently and fairly.  Sometimes she sees them as adorable and wonderful; a lot of the time they are horrible little monsters who are ruining her life.  Then almost in the same breath she will tell me she wants more kids or more pets--I'm not sure why, maybe she really wants to see herself or have others see herself as a nurturer, or maybe she thinks if she keeps trying she'll have a "good" kid. 

Point is, if your wife is anything like mine, there is a good chance that the same love/hate relationship she has with you will apply to your child as well, except your child doesn't know why it is happening and doesn't have the tools to deal with it.  Best case scenario is that her anger at the child gets directed at you, which protects the kid but is certainly no picnic.  You will bear much of the burden of caring for her, caring for the child, and running interference between her and the child.  It is pretty tiring and a lot to have on your mind.  It also severely limits any exit strategy--one of the main reasons I am trying to continue to make this relationship work is that I don't want to take the chance that a court doesn't give me full custody.  I shudder to think of my kids with a jilted BPD with nobody between them and her rage.

Obviously your wife is not mine, and maybe it will be different for you, just my two cents.  Best of luck to you.
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« Reply #19 on: August 12, 2015, 07:08:38 PM »

Hi Max,

I understand you and your wife wanting to have a baby.  I see my H struggle daily because he has never been a father, and he blames himself, constantly.  He's 54.  I think some of his anger towards my kids is simply an expression of that anger inside of him.  It just comes out around them, and at them.  It sucks.

On the flip side, I cannot in any way picture him being a good father.  He is short tempered, selfish and cannot stand it when he isn't the center of attention.  I would have two babies to look after not one!  I know this because of the way he is with our grandbaby.  And that's just on a sometimes, casual basis.  I can't imagine him being a full time parent.  

I had a standing offer to adopt a child with him for ten years.  He has never done anything to make it happen, and I haven't pushed it, I have kids, I don't desire more.  But if one happened on my lap, I wouldn't say no.  But I know he isn't ready, and so does he, and hence, it hasn't happened.  And, I've always been glad it hasn't happened.  I know he couldn't do it.  Not without a lot of pain and anguish and tears, he would vie for my attention away from the child.  I would end up pulling my hair out!  No thanks!

I see why you said what you did in the moment, Max.  But you need to think in real terms.  You would need to be prepared to shoulder everything at the drop of a hat... .two jobs and a baby and a wife in the middle of an emotional breakdown.  :)o you really think you can do that?


I'm so glad to see you're still here,

c.




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« Reply #20 on: August 13, 2015, 12:45:55 AM »

the problem is, *I* want to have a child, too.  And I feel like this is my last reasonable shot at it.  I'm tired of waiting, and I felt like I have been waiting for her to get her act together.  Me working a second job is about taking matters into my own hands, and getting us in better financial shape knowing I can no longer wait around for her to find a stable job.  

Short of medical issues with a child, I don't think having a baby is that hard, though its a lot of work. (Caveat: I'm the latchkey kid of a single mother who had BPD and depression, so my views on whats hard and what isn't are colored by that). However, given a partner who is emotionally immature, it does become that hard, as the burden of care falls upon the there parent. A baby doesn't fix anything. Leaving aside the risks that a BPD parent poses towards their children, a baby takes attention away from the parent who needs extra validation.

After D3 was about 6 months old (and she stopped breast feeding), I noticed that I was the one who got up at 5 am to feed and change her. I often stayed up until our son awoke. I'd do laundry, feed, change, and entertain them while their mom slept in often until 9 on weekends. She always needed more sleep than me to reset her brain. I would often make breakfast for all of us, too.  I started to resent her. Later, she demanded more time from me. Part of that, I think, was legitimate, but I couldn't see sloughing off a 1 and 3 year old on their grandmother so much.

Suffice to say, babies don't make things better with a partner who needs the attention due a baby themselves. I hear you about feeling like your clock might be ticking. I was 37 when we had S5. I didn't think I had more time. A buddy at work who divorced a uBPD wife years ago, however, had a baby with a non BPD wife at 48.

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« Reply #21 on: August 13, 2015, 06:21:09 AM »

  mom slept in often until 9 on weekends. She always needed more sleep than me to reset her brain.

 I started to resent her. 

This dynamic was present in my r/s as well.  I am a morning person... .right now I am enjoying coffee... .everyone else in the house is asleep.  I've been up for a while.

That's the way I am wired... .once I accepted my wife is wired differently... .the resentment left (at least about this issue... .)

FF
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« Reply #22 on: August 13, 2015, 02:35:17 PM »

Max, if I came across as harsh, I apologize. I tend to speak my mind too quickly without considering how it might be received. I'm working on that.

I think many of us who have read your posts over time are concerned. You have mentioned the tremendous stress you've been experiencing and the related health consequences.

Also many of us are children of parents with BPD and as a consequence, have found ourselves repeating family patterns by selecting a romantic partner with BPD.

My mother, who had BPD, was also a teacher. That certainly didn't help with her ability to parent me. I have spent most of my adult life trying to recover from my childhood. Fortunately I realized early that I was so ill-equipped to be a parent, that I chose not to--a decision I'm so grateful for because I was married to a husband with BPD who was violent, abusive, unfaithful, financially irresponsible. I'm glad that I need never see him again and with the current arrest warrant for him in my state, I doubt he will ever return here.

I think you harbored hope that by marrying your wife, you could give her security and stability. From what you write, her emotional state showed little change in the positive direction.

When you think about the pregnancy hormones that can drive sane, well-adjusted women crazy, I wonder what that would do to your wife, who seems to be teetering on the edge of an emotional breakdown at all times.

Added to that, sleepless nights with a crying baby, a huge investment of her time focusing upon the needs of another person, the potential for postpartum depression... .the list goes on... .

So please take to heart the concerns we have shared with you.
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« Reply #23 on: August 13, 2015, 03:26:54 PM »

My reaction was not that you want a baby ( I think the concerns about that have been mentioned by other posters ) but that you brought it up in thr context of justifying your working long hours when your wife was upset about that. It was the perfect defense to deflect the blame from you and the result is that she had no option but to back down because she wants one too - from what you have said in your posts about her.

The last  2 months that your wife has ovulated she has brought this up and when you have not shown interest in making use of that egg, her reaction was disregulared. She has even tried to have sex with you when you are asleep.

I think your bringing this up could have sparked hope in her but she does not have time to wait forever and she knows this.

Although men can also have concerns about age,biologically they have more time to become parents than women do.

I could comment on being a child of a mother with BPD and I echo the others in saying that the non parent will likely take on a major part of the parenting of the mother is on the more affected side of the BPD spectrum. I think you are aware of that.
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« Reply #24 on: August 14, 2015, 03:58:19 PM »

Max, you have been pretty consistent in saying that you want to be a parent.

You have also been pretty consistent in saying that you don't feel like you can have a baby with your wife now, and don't see a clear path to her being capable before her biological clock runs out on it. (I may be extrapolating from your words a little bit with the last part)

You've also described how focused/obsessed she is with having a baby, and how many dysregulations come of it.

Given the situation, I think that hinting at having a baby with her is a bad idea, and the end result will be more bad behavior and/or a worse extinction burst/breakdown next time.


The really truthful/honest path here is a VERY hard one. If you aren't going to have a baby with her (willingly!) before her biological clock runs out, telling her this now would seem fair. But given her history, it would also be time to activate the OOP most likely.
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« Reply #25 on: August 14, 2015, 04:21:13 PM »

Excellent summation Grey Kitty. I totally agree with you about telling her the truth.
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
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« Reply #26 on: August 14, 2015, 08:17:55 PM »

The really truthful/honest path here is a VERY hard one. If you aren't going to have a baby with her (willingly!) before her biological clock runs out, telling her this now would seem fair. But given her history, it would also be time to activate the OOP most likely.

OK... .I've been reading... .and avoiding jumping into the "baby fray"... .I think I'll post a few comments... .

No shock that Max wants a kid... .

Same for his wife...

That has been consistent.

Max has also posted about letting his wife know his concerns or conditions for going forward... .

Mental health treatment

Finances

Physical health...

He gave what seemed to me to be a statement that he was working on the finance part of the equation.

I don't think each time he talks to his wife about a baby... .that he has to repeat all of his conditions... .so she won't twist it for her purposes...

Very likely she will do that anyway... .

Max,

Wish you the best man!  You are fighting the good fight... .

 

FF
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« Reply #27 on: August 15, 2015, 05:03:14 AM »

Last night and this morning were more tears and her saying she doesn't want to work anymore, with plenty of "don't leave me" and "help me" scattered throughout.  

She then got on me about working a second job, saying she feels lonely.  She asked why I work a second job, and I was hesitant to give her an explanation (jadE), but I gave her a quick one.  "I work now so that I can pay down some bills so that we can do things like have a baby in the future."  There's truth to that - I don't trust she will be able to keep this job and I need to do what I need to do in order to pay down some bills.  

Skip started another thread about ways to move from surviving to thriving for you max, it fits here too, for me, for you, for all of us here choosing to stay.

For me what is highlighted by the above conversation max is that when we are only just surviving, when we are in a reactive stressed state, are responses to our SO's are not measured or wise.

For me when I was only just surviving my responses to my husband had a collusive, appeasing note to them. I was always worried that he was going to dysregulate, so I said things in the hope that I could keep him stable in that moment.

So yes I can hear in your threads that sorting your finances is important for you, I can hear that you want a baby, but I also hear that just last week you slept in the spare room with the door locked, that your wife is again expressing suicidal thoughts. I can hear that you are still very stressed and worried each day when you come home that your wife will dysregulate again.

For me because you are not yet thriving together as a couple important issues can be used as ways of trying to control a situation when you feel out of control.

As a member here it is not for me to say whether or not you should have a baby with your wife, but part of my role here is also not to collude with you or enable behaviours or responses that I don't believe are helpful to you or your wife.

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« Reply #28 on: August 15, 2015, 06:17:15 AM »

In addition to what Sweetheart said, I want to add that comments like this are not meant to be critical, but helpful. I would bet that few of us here have not had these "in the moment" responses when we are frazzled and are trying to avoid a disregulated scene. I'm well aware of this pattern myself from my FOO and my current relationship. When Sweetheart mentioned doing this as a form of enabling, I would say I am a pro at it. I learned it in childhood and over used it in my relationship- and made things worse that way.

It has taken a whole lot of counseling, personal work, and working with a sponsor to transition from being in survival mode to thrive mode. This isn't something that was dependent on everyone around me changing. The people in my life are pretty much who they are, but our interactions are of a different quality. And while the focus of change is us, when we stop enabling, we make the space for others to grow. It isn't pleasant, that extinction burst is real. If we are in a situation where we could be in possible danger, then, any of this requires professional help. For my situation, I was thankfully not in any physical danger, but still terrified of people's anger and rage.

I will also say that surviving-thriving is cyclic. We can revert into survive mode when we are tired, hungry, stressed. We are humans after all. This is where self care is important and also recognizing that when we are tired, stressed, hungry, is probably not a good the time to discuss emotionally charged topics.

Max, I see your working to attain financial stability as a good thing.  I also see taking the steps to take care of yourself- your support group, getting medical care, all of this is good. I could read your statement " the truth is, I want a child" as an affirmation, but the concern is the context of how you said it to your wife in the moment- as Sweetheart said- it was a survival mode move, and mentioning this is in support, not criticism.

The dilemma we are in is what to say or do when we have two choices- thrive, take care of ourselves, speak honestly- to which the response may or may not be a big disregulation, anger, and rage-- or to do and say what we think will manage the other person's response. This is a tough choice to make and sometimes we do it either way depending on how much we think we can handle a negative reaction. It gets easier to do when we understand the dynamics of managing/controlling someone else's emotions and responses and the consequences to them and us when we do. 
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