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Author Topic: Says we need to be separate but roommates because I am not happy  (Read 562 times)
OffRoad
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« on: August 10, 2015, 09:23:00 PM »

I've run into a bit of a dilemma. My uBPDh seems to think I am unhappy. Yes, I have my unhappy days, but no one is permanently happy (or if they are, I'd think they had a problem, as people die and things go wrong in life)

As a matter of fact, he is so sure I am unhappy, he has gone out of his way to accuse me of things I haven't done, pick fights and basically try as hard as he can to MAKE me unhappy. He doesn't understand why I just ignore his attempts to bait me. He keeps upping the ante, trying to get me to bite. I can only assume he is unhappy and is trying to project his feelings onto me. If he could only get me to bite, he could explode and feel better, but my validating him seems to be driving him crazy since he cannot come up with any reason to rage at me. This hasn't stopped him in the past, but either I have gotten better at validating or something else is at play.

So hew tells me we need to separate, but be roommates. I can't leave the house (I can't afford to go) and he won't leave.

How do I deal with this? There are only so many hours of the day I can be away from the house or buried in another room.
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« Reply #1 on: August 10, 2015, 10:42:16 PM »

Well, I'm probably the last person who should offer advice, but I'd call his bluff. It sounds like what you are doing is working to at least abate huge conflicts, and if his dysregulating or projecting how he feels onto you(saying you are unhappy) is his to deal with. Oh, and yours because you live with him.

I'd seriously call his bluff, and act like it doesn't bother me. If I had the type of spouse I could validate, and have a discussion about "why he wants that", then I would, but you must feel you can't? I know I certainly can't with mine. At this point, any talks BPDh wants to have, the minute I feel it heading south, I'm going to request we shelve it, and address it in MC.

What do you think you'll end up doing? What does your gut tell you to do? What do you think will be the least triggering to him?
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an0ught
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« Reply #2 on: August 11, 2015, 04:47:51 PM »

Hi OffRoad,

he somehow got a point with you not being happy and it is not surprising he is concerned. He is likely also not happy. He also got a point that often some degree of separation can be helpful to stabilize the situation. As a thought experiment:

If you could trade



lots of unhappy time together
and get for it

some happy time together and some happy time not together

would you do it?

How could you accomplish it with the resources you have? What rules would need to be in place?
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OffRoad
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« Reply #3 on: August 11, 2015, 07:27:38 PM »

I thought we were getting some happy time together and some happy time not together.

This started a while ago, about 5 months. He moved into another room. He recently started being more considerate and then suddenly I just got: We are separated, but roommates. And it's not fixable. And I will leave when it's the right time for the children.

Here is what I have tried:

Me: What is happening that makes you feel like I am unhappy?

Him: You are just unhappy all the time.

Me: What am I doing that makes me look unhappy?

Him: You just are.

At that point I am at a loss, so I tried:

Me: Do you like to be just roommates?

Him: No, you're just unhappy, so we have to be roommates.

Me: It seems like you think I'm unhappy, is that right?

Him: Yes.

Me: I don't feel unhappy. What would it take to show you I am happy?

Him: How can you look happy if you aren't. There is nothing you can do.

Once again, I am at a loss so I try:

Me: I could move out for a little while if you need space.

Him: No, I need us to be just roommates.

Me: I'm not comfortable with that. I don't think I could live the rest of my life as just roommates. That would make me unhappy.

Him: See, you're unhappy.

Meanwhile, he is getting more and more agitated.

That's when I came here and wrote. I'm wondering if I'm not spending enough time with him? Or if he somehow has gotten the impression that I want to be roommates? But that would be mind reading, and that never works. I've already tried being "roommates" for several months. It's not working for me, so at this point, I probably AM unhappy, but I didn't start out that way. Why would he need to make me unhappy, either in reality or in his mind?


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« Reply #4 on: August 12, 2015, 02:26:26 AM »

Congratulations, you're married to my uBPDh's emotional twin! Except mine was more extreme and violent. Be thankful for that.

I agree. Call him on it. Say: "I can understand how you feel I am unhappy because I do have both good and bad days, but our relationship is a source of happiness for me even if other things might put me in a bad mood. However, you might be right about the roommate thing and if you think we need to do that, I'm willing to give it a go. Let's go ahead and draw up an agreement about how we will split everything and what the parameters of our roommate relationship should be." Pull out a pen and tablet and start writing things like household chores, labeling food, etc! Haha

It might work. Granted, some modification might be in order.
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an0ught
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« Reply #5 on: August 12, 2015, 01:09:00 PM »

Hi OffRoad,

sound like roomates became a bit a toxic word for both of you. From what you wrote he seems also a bit concerned and may be somewhat flexible and open for change. You certainly seem to be in need of a change  .

I would not give too much about his long term intention. Long term means there is lots of time he still can change them over and over. Also I would avoid labeling things like roommate - labels are shortcuts, tend to be b&w and often allow everyone to imaging something different. You are individuals, your situation is unique and so you can go off finding your solution.

Cooperative negotiations are often best done focusing not on closing a single issue after another. If one would do that one creates a string of win-loose situations. What works is having bundles, keeping them open, trading off items in the bundles and only closing towards the end.

It you don't want to go the negotiation road - a lot depends on the type he is - then you could also simply try to change the things that matter most to you one at a time. Push the envelope a little here and keep him happy by giving him a little there. Your behavior after all is a lot more powerful than your words.

In any case you need more detailed objectives what you want (you have a clear understanding what you don't want but that is not the same). So what does not work in your current living situation? What is important to you. What concrete thing would need to change? Where do you sense could a compromise lay? What can you give him for the time being that allows him to save face?
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« Reply #6 on: August 14, 2015, 09:06:25 PM »

In any case you need more detailed objectives what you want (you have a clear understanding what you don't want but that is not the same). So what does not work in your current living situation? What is important to you. What concrete thing would need to change? Where do you sense could a compromise lay? What can you give him for the time being that allows him to save face?

I'm am very much at a loss. A few days back, he reiterates that we are separated. We are just roommates. And it can't be fixed. And he will leave when the time is right for the children.

I got the whole we need to co parent the kids (there's only one left and he's 16), this marriage had been a train wreck for YEARS!, that I was never happy. I told him he's not me. I know if I'm happy or not.

I validated. I told him my perception was different than his. He gave me the "I did the best that I could." I gave him back I did the best that I could, too, but that doesn't mean I can't do better. (Stricken face-I one upped him again in his mind). And then I lost it. I said that what he is proposing is what is best for him, not necessarily best for the family. I told him every day I get up and have to look at the man who said he loved me, but he's gone. There just some guy with his face staring blankly at me. He goes and does "fun" things with the kids, when if he had ever done those things with me, he wouldn't have had to feel so bad about himself that he is projecting all his garbage onto me.

He said he always just wanted to come home and be himself. I said for the past 3 + years, you just wanted to come home and check out. You didn't want to talk to anyone, do yard work, do house repairs, pay bills, you didn't want to help with school until this past year, do anything that people do to maintain a life, you just wanted to go play video games where you could check out and not have to deal with real life. You used me to do all the real life hard stuff.

He said that he was never good enough for me and I said "I have always believed in you. I have been behind you and supported you all this time. If you don't feel like you are good enough for yourself, I will not take the blame for that." I wrapped it up with "This is your choice, not mine. You need to tell everyone that you are the one who is leaving. This is not mutual. It's all on you. One day, you are going to wake up and realize you threw away the best thing that ever happened to you." He said "I might."

Then I looked him straight in the eye and said "Goodbye, H."

I was then gone for most of the weekend. I was just done.

He came to me the other morning, upset. Said *I* said I wanted to be roommates. That, of course never happened. I asked him what made him think that I wanted to be roommates? He said he heard me saying something about roommates. ? I told him that is not what I want. He said he couldn't understand why, when he said he wanted to be separate but roommates, I didn't jump up and down and yell YAY! He was sure I hated him. That he was worthless in my eyes. We have started talking a little more, but really nothing has changed. He's still just  my roommate.

I want hugs and kisses. Going out to dinner and hikes. Geocaching and movies. Everything that we used to do as a couple is gone. He's just some guy sitting in the spare room playing video games. He just stopped being nice at all, started picking fights constantly, then blaming me for them. He made up things to fight about. When I stopped biting at the bait, he just started to ignore me altogether, until we weren't even talking to each other. I can only assume he needed distance, but isn't 6 months worth of distance enough? He never used to be this bad. There were the standard spells, but not for months, maybe a day or two. We've been together for 22 years. I'm about ready to throw in the towel, as I have no idea what to do. Asking for anything guarantees I will not get it right now. He doesn't want me to leave (obviously), but doesn't want me as a wife, either.

ETA: I have no idea how to allow him to "save face". I don't even know what kind of face he's trying to save. This is so very unlike ANYTHING he's ever done before.
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vortex of confusion
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« Reply #7 on: August 14, 2015, 11:14:43 PM »

A lot of the things that you describe about your husband and him checking out remind me of my husband.

We did the separate bedrooms/separated thing for a while.

When I decided that I was done with the separate rooms, I moved us back into the same room. I didn't ask him for input because I got tired of getting responses like what you describe. I just did it. I think I did it while he was at work or something. How do you think he might respond to something like that? Is there an action that you can do without talking to him about it that will send a loud and clear message that you are NOT okay with this?

I have found that talking to my husband is completely pointless at times.

I also want to reiterate what anOught said about having a clear understanding of what you DO want. That isn't easy to figure out. I am like you in that I can tell you what I don't want. And, I don't know how to communicate what I do want. I am still working on that.

I am also going to challenge you to really think about your happiness levels. For the longest time, I was like you. I would have sworn on a stack of Bibles that I was happy. Then one day I woke up and took stock of my life and realized that I wasn't happy. Yes, I had a lot of moments of joy and I had a lot of happiness in my life. Overall, I was very dissatisfied with the way things were. I missed the husband that I married. I missed the cute and goofy guy that made me laugh all of the time. I missed the guy that used to rub my feet for no reason while we watched TV. I missed the guy that insisted on brushing my hair for me whenever he got the chance. I wanted all of that back. Somewhere along the way, he disappeared and was replaced by some guy that I didn't recognize.

How in the world could I possibly be happy when I felt like I was married to a stranger? For me, it really helped me to stop fighting my negative feelings. I was dissatisfied/unhappy. I was angry. I had a lot of negative feelings about my husband's level of disconnect with me. I felt completely rejected by my husband. Until I was able to admit that to myself and find a way to verbalize it, I felt really stuck. Things are improving slowly and I still feel really disconnected from my husband. I am doing a better job of telling him what I want but cannot figure out how to make my feelings for him come back.

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« Reply #8 on: August 15, 2015, 02:18:48 PM »

All of this hits so deep to home with me. H is now claiming that he loves me and he's sad and he will always be here for me and he wants to help me, but we can't be together (no explanation of why, just a vague "everything that's happened" and periodic references to hurt and shame).

My problem I'm dealing with now is that he has surfaced this week, come to the house, is communicating with me regularly, helping me and allowing me to help him, etc. I'm wanting to fast-forward, but I understand that this stage can take a long time. I'm finding myself torn as I am optimistic with him and yet continuing to collect evidence to bring to court to establish his mental instability to ask them to require counseling/therapy for us before ruling on the divorce.

Who knows what will happen? But I'm finding that working on the projects together (my graduate research, his job hunt) is helping to focus me more on the task rather than on my dreams (broken or otherwise). It keeps me in the moment. And I think this is where he needs to be too.
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« Reply #9 on: August 15, 2015, 02:52:05 PM »

Thanks, Vortex. He moved into the spare room. I have no idea how to move him out of that room, as all his clothing and such are still in the Master Bedroom where I sleep, he just sleeps in the spare room, which also holds his computer.

I am also going to challenge you to really think about your happiness levels. For the longest time, I was like you. I would have sworn on a stack of Bibles that I was happy. Then one day I woke up and took stock of my life and realized that I wasn't happy. Yes, I had a lot of moments of joy and I had a lot of happiness in my life. Overall, I was very dissatisfied with the way things were. I missed the husband that I married. I missed the cute and goofy guy that made me laugh all of the time. I missed the guy that used to rub my feet for no reason while we watched TV. I missed the guy that insisted on brushing my hair for me whenever he got the chance. I wanted all of that back. Somewhere along the way, he disappeared and was replaced by some guy that I didn't recognize.

See, this is just exactly what happened three years ago. First he just started ignoring me and playing video games instead. Then he let all the bills and hard stuff pile up  and even when he said he'd do something, didn't. The he started picking fights about things that didn't even exist or happen. So if he wants to say I was unhappy for the past three years, OK. But I tried to address that with him back then when I told him I felt like I was in the relationship alone. He told me he was engaged. 2.5 years later, he admits to me he had checked out emotionally at the time I was asking him about it.

So, yes, once he checked out, I wasn't as happy as I had been previously, but I wasn't unhappy unless he was being a jerk to me. It's like he was trying to MAKE me unhappy, but since I had a life outside of him, he couldn't take me down. So I have to think HE was unhappy, but he won't say why, and I don't know what changed. Except possibly that the kids grew up, got their own personalities, likes and dislikes and they don't always mesh with H. H was used to telling the kids what to do, and he no longer could at that point. Other than that I don't know. He's never been able to control me.

But to get back to what I want, I'm pretty darned low maintenance, which is why we probably worked well all this time. But I do need someone to talk to when things go wrong with family matters. Someone who will help out with house maintenance. Someone who will take me out somewhere three or four times a month. Someone who doesn't cringe when I get near.  Someone that cares about what I have to say. I used to have that for 19 years. I even got bonus foot rubs. Then it just switched off, as if I no longer mattered in his life.

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« Reply #10 on: August 15, 2015, 03:00:33 PM »

All of this hits so deep to home with me. H is now claiming that he loves me and he's sad and he will always be here for me and he wants to help me, but we can't be together (no explanation of why, just a vague "everything that's happened" and periodic references to hurt and shame).

If your H feels shame for hitting you, that may be what he is referring to as "everything that's happened". I don't know how someone recovers from doing that,as they must know it is inappropriate behavior. If he can't control himself, the shame he feels cannot be rectified in his mind (i.e. Normal people don't hit other people, therefor he must be defective, type of thinking.) I am very sorry you are going through this.
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vortex of confusion
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« Reply #11 on: August 15, 2015, 03:05:56 PM »

But to get back to what I want, I'm pretty darned low maintenance, which is why we probably worked well all this time. But I do need someone to talk to when things go wrong with family matters. Someone who will help out with house maintenance. Someone who will take me out somewhere three or four times a month. Someone who doesn't cringe when I get near.  Someone that cares about what I have to say. I used to have that for 19 years. I even got bonus foot rubs. Then it just switched off, as if I no longer mattered in his life.

 

I think I could have written this. I don't have any good advice because I am struggling with some of the same things. I just posted a thread about being patient and trying to accept that my husband is not capable of the kind of emotional connection that I want and need.
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an0ught
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« Reply #12 on: August 16, 2015, 08:41:07 AM »

But to get back to what I want, I'm pretty darned low maintenance, which is why we probably worked well all this time. But I do need someone to talk to when things go wrong with family matters. Someone who will help out with house maintenance. Someone who will take me out somewhere three or four times a month. Someone who doesn't cringe when I get near.  Someone that cares about what I have to say. I used to have that for 19 years. I even got bonus foot rubs. Then it just switched off, as if I no longer mattered in his life.

It may have helped keeping things quiet. But has it helped him feeling needed? Often a good way to build relationships is to ask for help. Maybe it is also a good way to rebuild it?
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« Reply #13 on: August 16, 2015, 09:45:47 PM »

But to get back to what I want, I'm pretty darned low maintenance, which is why we probably worked well all this time. But I do need someone to talk to when things go wrong with family matters. Someone who will help out with house maintenance. Someone who will take me out somewhere three or four times a month. Someone who doesn't cringe when I get near.  Someone that cares about what I have to say. I used to have that for 19 years. I even got bonus foot rubs. Then it just switched off, as if I no longer mattered in his life.

It may have helped keeping things quiet. But has it helped him feeling needed? Often a good way to build relationships is to ask for help. Maybe it is also a good way to rebuild it?

I'm not sure how to make him feel needed. Any time I ask for help with something, I don't get it, even if he agrees to help. For example, there is only so long you can leave a toilet backed up before something has to be done. It's not like I can just leave it for a week until he gets around to it.

Then there is cooking. He likes to cook. There are some things he does quite well. But there are other things that are not edible for the salt content alone. If I ask him if he would cook me one without the extra seasonings, he won't do it. So I either have to make my own (which is OK by me) or not eat. He takes either as an insult.

It is not in my own best mental health interest to continually ask for something, be denied having it, then blamed because I took care of myself. So I just start with caring for myself.

If I don't actually need help, I don't think to ask for it. For example, asking him to vacuum the floor. If it doesn't get done in a week, it is no big deal. But because it is no big deal, I don't think to ask.

I certainly don't want to put myself in the position of being a nag. That's no fun.

Suggestions?
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« Reply #14 on: August 18, 2015, 05:34:00 PM »

 

Offroad,

I think you should consider what VOC is proposing.

Big picture:  Waiting for a pwBPD to show leadership and move a r/s to a better place is not a good recipe for success.

Waiting for a clear answer before taking action is not a good idea.

I might try to apply some tools to reduce the temp in the r/s before trying this... .but eventually... .I would set that as a goal.

Also... .my advice... .stop debating your feelings...   stop listening to his opinions (especially negative ones) about your feelings.

He gets to express his feelings... .you get to express yours.

If he is curious about your feelings... .he can ask.  If you are curious about his... .you ask.

Anyone tell the "feelings" thing is a trigger in my r/s?  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Oh... .it's been a month or two since I've been "told" how I feel... .and... every once in a while... .she asks how I am feeling...    Smiling (click to insert in post) Smiling (click to insert in post) Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

FF
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« Reply #15 on: August 19, 2015, 12:52:14 AM »

Offroad,

I think you should consider what VOC is proposing.

What is Vortex proposing? Do you mean to move him back to the bedroom? How do I do that? I can't pick him up and move him there.

Excerpt
Big picture:  Waiting for a pwBPD to show leadership and move a r/s to a better place is not a good recipe for success.

Waiting for a clear answer before taking action is not a good idea.

Agreed. I still don't know what action to take, though.

Excerpt
Also... .my advice... .stop debating your feelings...  stop listening to his opinions (especially negative ones) about your feelings.

He gets to express his feelings... .you get to express yours.

I don't understand. He gets to tell me that I am unhappy and I don't say anything? How is that helpful? And if we both express our feelings, then aren't we debating our feelings since he is telling me I feel one way and I am saying I feel a different way?

Excerpt
If he is curious about your feelings... .he can ask.  If you are curious about his... .you ask.

I'm all on board with this. Except he is telling me what my feelings are, he isn't asking.

Seriously, I get that I am not saying something that I should be saying, but I don't know what it is. He has decided to use my "unhappiness" to justify moving to another room. I have now determined that it is a bogus claim. So now what?

It's like waking up in the pitch dark on an island with one hopping stone path to get off that you can't see, surrounded by piranhas. Somehow I got here, but I don't know how, so I have no idea how to get back.
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« Reply #16 on: August 19, 2015, 05:19:01 AM »

I'm all on board with this. Except he is telling me what my feelings are, he isn't asking.

Seriously, I get that I am not saying something that I should be saying, but I don't know what it is. He has decided to use my "unhappiness" to justify moving to another room. I have now determined that it is a bogus claim. So now what?

It's like waking up in the pitch dark on an island with one hopping stone path to get off that you can't see, surrounded by piranhas. Somehow I got here, but I don't know how, so I have no idea how to get back.

So... .this issue of "tellling" feelings is triggering for me in my r/s... .and possibly here... .because it is so patently ridiculous that a person can know what someone else is thinking/feeling.

What I did... .and hopefully it will work for you... .

wife: "You feel xyz... ."

me:  "Help me understand how you know how I feel?"  (this one didn't work so well)


me:  "If you would like to know how I feel please ask"  (worked ok)

me:  "Are you asking how I feel?"   (worked ok)

The key is that you don't debate... .saying "you can't know how I feel since you haven't asked" (failed miserably when I tried it... .    )  is invalidating... .  and it is an invitation to argue... .she would say "Yes I can... "

If... .this is as triggering to you... .as it was/is for me... .very likely that you also need to work on appearing calm and not reacting... .this probably helped me as much as the words I said.

Hope this helps... .

Last thought:  Many people advised me to let this go... to ignore it.  I'm sure some do well with this approach... .I couldn't stomach it... .   The hubris involved with the mind reading thing was too much...

FF


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« Reply #17 on: August 19, 2015, 05:21:29 AM »

 

I'm hoping VOC will come along and explain HOW she moved her hubby back in... .

My prescription would be to focus on reducing the temp for a couple weeks... .

Try to lure him back to bed with something... .     

Then... .move his things back in... .and have the bed in that room disappear.

If he chooses to go sleep on the couch... don't react. 

FF
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« Reply #18 on: August 19, 2015, 08:04:35 AM »



I'm hoping VOC will come along and explain HOW she moved her hubby back in... .

I just did it. I moved all of his stuff back into our shared room. At some point, I told him that we were sharing a room again. There were times when I still opt to sleep on the couch. I didn't ask for his input. I didn't give him any warning. I just did it. Just like when I decided I wanted him out of our room, I moved him into another room and dressed it up as, "Oh look honey, I made you your very own little man cave."

Excerpt
Try to lure him back to bed with something... .     

Luring my husband didn't work. I would sneak in his room and try to get him interested in certain activities. He would just roll over. He wasn't going to be lured back in because he had no idea that I was trying to do that. My husband is clueless. I have to give him specific directions and even then he may not get it.

Excerpt
If he chooses to go sleep on the couch... don't react. 

I ended up being the one that chose to sleep on the couch once I moved him back into our room. I would try to snuggle with him or get him interested in certain things and he would just roll over or be tired or just not be interested. Rather than lay there and be mad or sad, I would just get up and go to the couch.
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« Reply #19 on: August 19, 2015, 01:53:57 PM »

FF, I like "Are you asking me how I feel?" That seems like it might work. I would never have thought of that as a question on my own, though.


He doesn't have anything in the spare room, except his computer and that is the only place we have room for it. All of his clothing, toothbrush, etc are all still in the master bedroom. He comes in to brush his teeth and get dressed.

He won't even undress in front of me, so anything along that line is out. I have suspicions that things aren't working like they should and that is why he moved out.

And not that I couldn't get rid of the bed in the spare room, but it is a captains bed with drawers that contain spare sheets and such. Plus, that leaves me without a guest room, but I suppose it isn't a guest room at the moment, anyway.

Wait a second. That was HIS captains bed growing up. Weird... .
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« Reply #20 on: August 19, 2015, 02:13:31 PM »

 

So... could you move in with him?

FF
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« Reply #21 on: August 19, 2015, 08:24:14 PM »

So... could you move in with him?

FF

Single bed. I'm surprised HE fits in there.
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« Reply #22 on: August 19, 2015, 08:41:14 PM »

So... could you move in with him?

FF

Single bed. I'm surprised HE fits in there.

So... hop in first!   Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #23 on: August 19, 2015, 09:39:35 PM »

So... could you move in with him?

FF

Single bed. I'm surprised HE fits in there.

So... hop in first!   Smiling (click to insert in post)

My bet is he will go to the master bedroom and I'll be stuck in the crappy room, but I can give it a try.
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« Reply #24 on: August 19, 2015, 09:44:10 PM »

 

Then... .go hop in with him in the master... Smiling (click to insert in post)

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« Reply #25 on: August 19, 2015, 10:01:54 PM »

My bet is he will go to the master bedroom and I'll be stuck in the crappy room, but I can give it a try.

If it doesn't work, don't take it personally!

I played the whole bed chasing thing for a while. I got tired and gave up. After a while, it felt like I was doing nothing but chasing him and trying to get his attention. It left me feeling kind of blah.
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« Reply #26 on: August 19, 2015, 10:07:13 PM »

I suppose I am getting to the point of "Why bother?". Why would I want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me? As I said, this behavior has never happened before. Originally, I was trying to figure out why he would use such a lame excuse to move to another room. I didn't think it was going to last this long.
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« Reply #27 on: August 19, 2015, 10:21:38 PM »

 

Longest I've had to deal with it was about a week... .

One time... .she said something about moving back into the bedroom with me... .and I honestly said something to the effect that I didn't realize she moved out... I really didn't know...

Listen... she is always rearranging and primping and putting this dresser over here... .or over there...

I try to help when she asks... .and offer to help when it seems she is in the mode to nest... .

Her sleeping other places has calmed down a bunch.  I really didn't address it directly... that I remember. 

I would invite her to bed... if she came... great.  If not... or if she said she would come and then didn't... .I wouldn't "take the bait... "

FF

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« Reply #28 on: August 19, 2015, 10:23:08 PM »

 

Here is another thought... .


Is the bedroom thing an issue... or a symptom of the issue?

If you put a bunch of effort into fixing the "bedroom thing"... but the "issue" isn't better... .might be a waste of effort and time over the bedroom.

Thoughts?

FF
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« Reply #29 on: August 19, 2015, 11:31:18 PM »

Sounds like my soon to be ex wife. We were together 4 years and broke up once right around 2 years and now at the 4 year mark, just 4 weeks ago. The first breakup, she pulled that crap of "I want to be seperate but roommates." Still slept In my bed "because she didn't want to be on the couch" up until the week before I reached my limit and kicked her out. All she did was get on her iphone and troll for attention on Facebook and Instagram and drink and act like a loon for 3 months straight before I kicked her out. She had hot and cold behavior too. Would tell me she still loves me when she is drinking, kissed me a few times when sober and then turned around and got defensive and said it was a mistake... .emotionally cheating on me with internet strangers.,it was nuts. I don't know how you went 6 months... .I lost my patience at 3! And, back in July when I saw this roommates crap coming again and the emotional cheating and her mom, who also has BPD getting involved and telling her to leave me, I said get therapy or leave: she left. And even went as far as to meet one of her internet strangers and form a friendship based on attention with him (the guy is a psycho and lowlife... 34 years old and has never owned property, works a minimum wage job and lives with his grandpa... knocked up a 14 year old child when he was 21 or 22... yuck) I know she talks to others online too though, it's not just him.

I wouldn't put up with it if I were you. 22 years is a long time though compared to my 4.even when I kicked my ex out, she still comes around for advice or help doing adult things... she destroyed her life and gave up a good life to hit bottom. Who knows if that will get through to soneone with BPD or not. But either way, you can't let that person use you up and destroy you. You have to draw a line in the sand before he breaks you down to nothing. We don't deserve their abuse... .especially when they won't try to get help. If she tried therapy, I'd be more understanding.

I'm sorry you are going through this. It sounds horrible. But I understand the pain you are enduring right now, believe me. I wish I could stop caring about her. It's hard though. Especially when BPD sufferers are so self destructive... it's hard watching someond you care about wreck their life and walk away from everything that is good.  Is he in therapy? Has he said he won't go?
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