You just cannot make up this kind of story.

[Cole]

W has been doing the push/pull go away/hold me close thing for years, but lately it has gotten to almost comical levels.

Saturday she announced she has a job offer in her home town, has been approved on her apartment lease, and is moving out officially August 29th pending divorce. She even showed me the paperwork, so I know she did not make it up. As usual, I told her that if that is what she needs to do to be happy, I will support her decision.

We have had separate bedrooms for 2 1/2 years. Sunday, she moved back into the master bedroom and has slept with me the last two nights. Yesterday, she printed out the schedule for the volunteer positions at our kids' school, showed me what she is signed up for through the next school year, and asked what we should take to the Church picnic August 29th. (Date look familiar?)

Sometimes I feel like I live in a sitcom. I can picture Jerry and George sitting at the coffee shop talking about this.  Maybe I will write all this down and sell it to the networks.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[MaroonLiquid]

W has been doing the push/pull go away/hold me close thing for years, but lately it has gotten to almost comical levels.

Saturday she announced she has a job offer in her home town, has been approved on her apartment lease, and is moving out officially August 29th pending divorce. She even showed me the paperwork, so I know she did not make it up. As usual, I told her that if that is what she needs to do to be happy, I will support her decision.

We have had separate bedrooms for 2 1/2 years. Sunday, she moved back into the master bedroom and has slept with me the last two nights. Yesterday, she printed out the schedule for the volunteer positions at our kids' school, showed me what she is signed up for through the next school year, and asked what we should take to the Church picnic August 29th. (Date look familiar?)

Sometimes I feel like I live in a sitcom. I can picture Jerry and George sitting at the coffee shop talking about this.  Maybe I will write all this down and sell it to the networks.

I went through this too when my wife had her major dysregulation 13 months ago.  The mistake I made was leaving.  I thought I was doing the right thing, but now I know I probably should have called her bluff.  I was playing into her "he's abandoning me" crap when it was her who was doing it.   Thinking about what transpired in those next few weeks was nuts.  In my defense she did threaten to call the police, but had done that before.  In this instance, as out of hand as things got, I was trying to be safe, however leaving in the end has made things way more difficult, fed into her illness and has cemented in her mind more that all men leave eventually.  Anyway, after telling me to leave, she asked me to stay the night.  It was amazing and at the same time I was like What the heck?  Again, I didn't fully know what I was dealing with.  Now, I know it was push/pull. 

[married21years]

yeap been there done that got the tea shirt

[formflier]

 

Cole,

This is classic... .!

Hopefully you are "observing" the drama... .and not participating in it.

FF

[MaroonLiquid]

This is classic... .!

Yes, it is Cole!   

[goateeki]

Cole, something that has always struck me about this sort of behavior is how completely lacking in logic it is.  You'd think that there would be some part of the mind that jumps in and says "This makes no sense at all" and the behavior would stop, but it doesn't. 

Had very similar experiences with the whole push / pull thing -- this phenomenon is confounding to me; I've read and read and read and I don't understand it at all.  Mine (diagnosed) was initially triggered by me telling her that I needed someone who did not simply tolerate me in her life, but wanted me there, and was proud and happy to be married to me.  This was like a hydrogen bomb to her.  What followed is something I never want to relive.  During the MC that I initiated, she would say things like ":)ivorce is a very real possibility" and then when I divorced her six months later, she went crazy because I'd given her what she'd asked for.  After she moved out and got her own apartment, she called me and yelled at me for throwing out the wedding photos (how she knew about this I have no idea -- must have been entering the house with her key when I was not there) and told me I was horrible for giving marriage counseling only six months.  MC, by the way, consisted of her yelling at me and trying to convince the marriage counselor of her victimhood. 

And let me add that she, too, found her way back into the bed at several points.  I have no idea why she would do this. 

Some people are really, really messed up.

[married21years]

mine was our twentieth wedding anniversary buought her a hot tub and made her a deck

i am a asso

[Cole]

Hopefully you are "observing" the drama... .and not participating in it.

FF

FF,

Yes, this is a spectator sport. Can't play when the rules and objective are non-existent.

She told me about an hour ago she does not want a divorce, wants things to get better, and what she is going to do to help them get better. She laid out a plan to clean and reorganize the house after the kids go back to school. And she downloaded job applications for two local places she really wants to work.  

Then she left to drive 2 hours to an interview for a job in another of state so she can move back to her home town. I told her good luck on her interview, which annoyed the crap out of her.

I went upstairs to get a file after she left (working from home today) and noticed she has moved even more of her stuff back into the master.  

I am going to write down 10 possible ways today could end and associate a prize for myself with each one:

1. She comes home in an hour like nothing happened = 6 pack of Stella

2. She takes the job then calls and quits tomorrow = box of ammo

3. She runs off to join the circus = good cigar

   

etc... .

I wonder what I will win?




 

[Daniell85]

You should maybe get a humidor for all the cigars you will be having. 

[formflier]

 

Dude... .you can make a better list than that... .

Box of ammo... .for a gun that you don't own right now... . 

That would be the "BPD way... ."... .

Why did you buy a new gun?  "Well... .I had some ammo that I needed to shoot... "

 

You have my permission!

FF

[maxsterling]

Had to smile at this one 

I'm glad I am not the only one who has dealt with this.  W has told me before that she wants a divorce, that she has contacted lawyers, gathered info on places to move, and made it sound like all that was needed was paperwork to be drawn up and signed.  And less than 24 hours alter, clinging on to me, begging me not to leave, asking when we will start trying to have a baby, and dreaming of traveling with me to Europe. 

[Cole]

You should maybe get a humidor for all the cigars you will be having. 

Hope not to run out of matches.

Dude... .you can make a better list than that... .

Box of ammo... .for a gun that you don't own right now... . 

That would be the "BPD way... ."... .

Why did you buy a new gun?  "Well... .I had some ammo that I needed to shoot... "

 

You have my permission!

FF

I like the way you think... .

Had to smile at this one 

I'm glad I am not the only one who has dealt with this.  W has told me before that she wants a divorce, that she has contacted lawyers, gathered info on places to move, and made it sound like all that was needed was paperwork to be drawn up and signed.  And less than 24 hours alter, clinging on to me, begging me not to leave, asking when we will start trying to have a baby, and dreaming of traveling with me to Europe. 

Max, we did this a couple weeks ago! I found that calling her bluff usually takes the wind out of her sails.


In all seriousness, I do feel sorry for my wife. She knows she is being illogical and irrational and I wish I could help her. Having a sense of humor is sometimes the only way to deal with the feeling of being unable to help her. One good thing that happened today which has not happened before is that she stated what SHE is going to do to help improve things instead of blaming everything on others. That was a big step.   

[specialized]

wow !  i cant believe we are all traveling on the same crazy train!

my W told me divorce was the only option for us and kept asking me if i agreed . after pursuing the answer late into the evening i finally said yes i want a divorce too as soon as i said that she was ready to end her life writing goodbye notes etc... .now she decided she can tolerate me as long as she doesnt have to have her hand weighted down with that symbol of my love and devotion for her ( her wedding ring).

Alot of the stuff that happens these relationships is such a mindscrew

[MaroonLiquid]

now she decided she can tolerate me as long as she doesnt have to have her hand weighted down with that symbol of my love and devotion for her ( her wedding ring).

My wife hasn't worn her wedding ring in 13 months and it sits right next to her sink.  "Weighted down" is an interesting label to put on not wearing it.  I think with all they do to blow it up, it does weigh them down I would guess and therefore difficult to deal with that reality.  The reality isn't real if it isn't on your finger and a constant reminder of the covenant that two people make.

[specialized]

yes maroon liquid you hit it on the head. thats right. i think my wife would feel trapped in any reality because she will always second guess every situation and turn it negative ( sabotage any goodness).

like if you had an abused animal in your house - say a cat. you would try to pet this cat and it would run and hide. then you catch the cat and very calmly pet it and show it everythings ok and it starts purring and you keep petting it and just when you think its looking good the damn thing turns around and scratches your eyes out and runs away - that my wife in a nutshell.

[ColdEthyl]

Hopefully you are "observing" the drama... .and not participating in it.

FF

FF,

Yes, this is a spectator sport. Can't play when the rules and objective are non-existent.

She told me about an hour ago she does not want a divorce, wants things to get better, and what she is going to do to help them get better. She laid out a plan to clean and reorganize the house after the kids go back to school. And she downloaded job applications for two local places she really wants to work.  

Then she left to drive 2 hours to an interview for a job in another of state so she can move back to her home town. I told her good luck on her interview, which annoyed the crap out of her.

I went upstairs to get a file after she left (working from home today) and noticed she has moved even more of her stuff back into the master.  

I am going to write down 10 possible ways today could end and associate a prize for myself with each one:

1. She comes home in an hour like nothing happened = 6 pack of Stella

2. She takes the job then calls and quits tomorrow = box of ammo

3. She runs off to join the circus = good cigar

   

etc... .

I wonder what I will win?




 

wow this made me day I can't even... .*snorts*

[Cole]

MaroonLiquid and specialized:

My wife will not wear her wedding ring either. In our case, I am pretty sure it is a core shame issue- she does not feel she deserves to wear it. Never discount shame issues with BPD.



ColdEthyl:

Glad I made your day!


FormFlyer:

#8. Came home, acted like everything is wonderful, and went into super-wife/super-mom mode. Taking your advice on the prize... . 

[formflier]

  Taking your advice on the prize... . 

And now... .we have something good to talk about !   

[OffRoad]

Hopefully you are "observing" the drama... .and not participating in it.

FF

FF,

Yes, this is a spectator sport. Can't play when the rules and objective are non-existent.

She told me about an hour ago she does not want a divorce, wants things to get better, and what she is going to do to help them get better. She laid out a plan to clean and reorganize the house after the kids go back to school. And she downloaded job applications for two local places she really wants to work.  

Then she left to drive 2 hours to an interview for a job in another of state so she can move back to her home town. I told her good luck on her interview, which annoyed the crap out of her.

I went upstairs to get a file after she left (working from home today) and noticed she has moved even more of her stuff back into the master.  

I am going to write down 10 possible ways today could end and associate a prize for myself with each one:

1. She comes home in an hour like nothing happened = 6 pack of Stella

2. She takes the job then calls and quits tomorrow = box of ammo

3. She runs off to join the circus = good cigar

   

etc... .

I wonder what I will win?  

This is the BEST advice I think I have ever seen.

[an0ught]

1. She comes home in an hour like nothing happened = 6 pack of Stella

2. She takes the job then calls and quits tomorrow = box of ammo

3. She runs off to join the circus = good cigar

   

etc... .

I wonder what I will win?

I usually recommend to let go of the outcome to detach. But this approach looks to be superior 

[Cat Familiar]

Oh, I like turning it into a game show with prizes. Gives me ideas... .

[ColdEthyl]

Oh, I like turning it into a game show with prizes. Gives me ideas... .

I know me too

The Scene: I am starting photography classes soon that he brought up

Will he:

1. Say that's all I ever do and don't spend time with him -win a Funkopop figure

2. Accuse me of cheating on him with some random man who might be in the class -win a new camera lens

3. Actually be happy for me and enjoy the hobby with me -win a new car

I'm not putting too many eggs into that "being happy for me" basket roflmao

[GaGrl]

It does have an element of Vegas to it... .

[Meadowslark]

I know me too

The Scene: I am starting photography classes soon that he brought up

Will he:

1. Say that's all I ever do and don't spend time with him -win a Funkopop figure

wow can I say you don't spend time with me and we both win a Funko Pop! figure? Cuz that would be pretty rad. 

My sister would do this on occasion.

The Scene: Get involved in story I was writing, taking time to complete it chapter by chapter. Sister:

1) "You don't spend any time with me!" -- win a new video game!

2) Deletes my drafts -- take a trip to a fun store!

3) Breaks things or self-harms -- day trip to the beach!

4) Actually becomes interested in the story and offers insightful, non-hostile critique -- win a new sibling?

[Cole]

I usually recommend to let go of the outcome to detach. But this approach looks to be superior 

Let go of the outcome and detach. Agree 100%. That is the only way to deal with it without going crazy yourself. Turning it into a game is my way of dealing with an outcome I cannot predict or control.

I love my wife with all my heart, but feel powerless to help her. Having a sense of humor about her MI helps relieve some of the stress, and this this forum is a safe place to do it. I will not joke about it with her, even if she is the one who starts it. That's what us nons would call taking the bait!

[an0ught]

Indeed. I don't consider this funny much at all. After all you do accept the choices your wife is making even if you don't like them. I strongly believe that respect is absolutely key to a relationship with a pwBPD. Only when they make choices and deal with consequences they can learn. Loving them is not easy. We can't follow them always to their heights and depths all the time and often have to look on with amazement and horror. Having a sense of humor can help a lot to maintain a perspective with this roller-coaster riding addiction.

[ColdEthyl]

Indeed. I don't consider this funny much at all. After all you do accept the choices your wife is making even if you don't like them. I strongly believe that respect is absolutely key to a relationship with a pwBPD. Only when they make choices and deal with consequences they can learn. Loving them is not easy. We can't follow them always to their heights and depths all the time and often have to look on with amazement and horror. Having a sense of humor can help a lot to maintain a perspective with this roller-coaster riding addiction.

I would never say this to my husband. On here, it's nice to vent and come up with silly things such as this to relieve pressure, but in no way would I ever mock my husband with this.

Cole: "I love my wife with all my heart, but feel powerless to help her. Having a sense of humor about her MI helps relieve some of the stress, and this this forum is a safe place to do it. I will not joke about it with her, even if she is the one who starts it. That's what us nons would call taking the bait!"

I'm with you right there too, Cole. I love my husband very much. He's a very dynamic person and I wouldn't trade him for anything

[ReachingUp]

Hopefully you are "observing" the drama... .and not participating in it.

FF

FF,

Yes, this is a spectator sport. Can't play when the rules and objective are non-existent.

She told me about an hour ago she does not want a divorce, wants things to get better, and what she is going to do to help them get better. She laid out a plan to clean and reorganize the house after the kids go back to school. And she downloaded job applications for two local places she really wants to work.  

Then she left to drive 2 hours to an interview for a job in another of state so she can move back to her home town. I told her good luck on her interview, which annoyed the crap out of her.

I went upstairs to get a file after she left (working from home today) and noticed she has moved even more of her stuff back into the master.  

I am going to write down 10 possible ways today could end and associate a prize for myself with each one:

1. She comes home in an hour like nothing happened = 6 pack of Stella

2. She takes the job then calls and quits tomorrow = box of ammo

3. She runs off to join the circus = good cigar

   

etc... .

I wonder what I will win?




 

Oh my sweet baby Jesus, if this isn't exactly what I needed to read right now.

[Cole]

They offered her the job a couple days ago. She told them she can start next June when the kids get out of school, but they said they will not hold the position that long.   

Should have put this one on the list, I could have got myself something else!

 

[ColdEthyl]

They offered her the job a couple days ago. She told them she can start next June when the kids get out of school, but they said they will not hold the position that long.   

Should have put this one on the list, I could have got myself something else!

 

roflmao maaaaaaan... .I never thought of that possibility! Hold the job for months... .gees... .