Spoke to Boyfriend. Got blamed, lied to, and chastised for ruining things

[Daniell85]

This was a brief conversation.

Broke his word to me over something. I saw it, and maybe I just haven't learned enough here to handle this productively. The issue involves other women.

Felt the panic trigger off. Then tbh felt angry because he was talking about "healing", but he keeps doing things that prevent trust building or healing happening. Or at least I feel that way.

Since he has planted himself on Skype, I said to him that breaking agreements is not going to lead to healing.

He then tells me that my behavior ( getting upset and telling him I don't agree with what he is doing) is ruining our relationship.

He tells me he is tired of being fussed at when he is not doing anything wrong. He then lies to me.

I point out that if he is really wanting to have  trust, then not breaking important agreements and not lying to me are important.

He goes quiet a bit, then explains to me why he broke the agreement. Essentially he wanted some recreation and decided it was better for him to break my trust and have some fun than it was to wait an hour and handle things in such a way that he gets what he wanted without breaking my trust.

I said to him trust is gone.

He said he knew how to restore trust. but.

I am essentially being a pain in the butt by getting upset with him when he lies and breaks his word, so he ... .doesn't FEEL like telling the truth, and keeping his word.

So my upset is the reason the relationship will NEVER be fixed and we will NEVER be together now.

I said well I wish you would do what helps me trust you instead of doing these other things.

He went quiet, so I said I needed to go do other things.

I feel I have 2 choices. To try and be in the relationship under these conditions and struggle with staying calm and occasionally getting upset ( which ruins EVERYTHING and is all my fault).

Or to step back and stay away and take care of my own life, which right now really needs some attention.

I am kind of at a loss.

Any ideas on handling this stuff in a more productive way?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

 

Were you texting... .skyping (via text)... or actually talking?

I think you were talking... .but want to confirm.


I think you did ok here... .I'll try to figure out some tweaks... .there are times when things that are a big deal to you... .just need to be said.

I get the vibe he heard it... .

FF

[Daniell85]

He may have heard it, but I doubt he will shift his actions. Maybe I am cynical. But historically... .he will do as he likes. And I will stay away. Otherwise I panic and JADE.

[Daniell85]

And I am actually really upset. I had a panic attack. Was not exactly calm, and now am in tears.

So it didn't really go all that well.

[Daniell85]

We were talking.

I am discomposed.  :'(  I'm trying to distract myself because I have the impulse to JADE so badly. A part of me wants to just be done with him. I am so tired of him doing horrible horrible things then telling me it's all my fault. The urge to fight back on that is so powerful.

[Lovingme35]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I wish I could give you better advice. Maybe just remain calm and positive until you are on better terms, which will probably take some time. Then discuss what is bothering you. I did this with my ex when we went through a break up a year ago on bad terms. I was positive every time he messaged or talked to me. Then when things got better, I set limits and had him apologize. He sounds like he is scared and confronting him now will only push him further away.

[formflier]

 

 

We are here for you!

What is the latest on working with your T on strategies for panic?

I've dealt with that in the past... .very frustrating when panic takes control...

FF

[Daniell85]

My therapist has been going through a job transition, so we have not been on every week. I see her tomorrow and we were going to talk about the panic stuff and plan a way forward.

Boyfriend came back to talk a bit more, this time in Skype chat. He told me he understands what I need to have trust repaired, but he doesn't understand exactly what it is that I NEED ( action on his part) to accomplish the trust. 

I told him already what I need. Telling the truth, stop hanging around the affair girl, not to do what he did today. Each and every thing he has come up with a justification to himself about why he should violate these agreements. I am NOT on top of this guy pestering him all the time.

We have these agreements, I start to feel safe, then he pulls the rug out from under me. Then I have a panic attack. Or at best I feel I need to bring it to his attention, he gets mean with me, THEN I have a panic attack.

I am not sure how he can't understand. I didn't have a big list of agreements I asked for. I had like 3 things. Don't cheat. Don't lie. Don't hang around alone with other women.

He doesn't seem to be scared. He is very calm. He informed me the reason I am getting silent treatment is he doesn't want to talk to me because I am getting upset about these things. He has violated every one of them in the last 3 weeks.

I didn't know what to say to him about how he can help. He says he knows what I need to regain trust with him, but this stuff continues. I am baffled. I ended up telling him that I would think about what to tell him and send him an email.

Thanks for the support 

[formflier]

 

What are the consequences for him breaking his "word" to you? 

He knows... .he breaks word... .and what happens in his world that makes this unpleasant for him?

FF

[Daniell85]

He finds it unpleasant that I call him on the broken promise. He then gets hostile and blames me for the whole thing, give ST, I get very upset at getting a block or a hangup, then I end up walking off for weeks at a time because he refuses to talk to me.

He is claiming that my response to his broken promise is me is killing the relationship. Ok? First I try to talk to him. I get BS and I start showing upset, then he tells me the reason things are breaking down is because I "keep doing the same mistake over and over again."

When I agreed to get back with him, we had an agreement that he would not go places alone ( recreationally) with other women. That is how is affair started out.

He is on a Frisbee team. So today he wanted to practice and the only person available at that time was some girl on his team. He had the whole day off. They other people showed up at the agreed upon time, but she was hanging around and so he decided to spend 3 hours one on one with her.

Now keep in mind I already had the experience of him doing this before and getting too involved.

This girl also has one of those ambiguous names: Chris.

When I confronted him on the broken agreement he said he was sick of me attacking him over women who are really men. I have NEVER done any such thing. I have met Chris. I know she is a woman. He forgot I knew her. So he comes up with how my attacking behavior is exactly why he gives me silent treatment.

He then went on to say, under the premise that I was calling him on doing something he shouldn't be ( cause Chris is a man  ) I was the one who has been ruining our relationship and we were never really going to be together because I keep doing things like this.

He was trying to gaslight me. He was blaming and handing out punishment because he didn't remember I know Chris is a woman. So I got the broken promise, then I got the gaslighting, then I got the lie, and THEN I got the blame and the punishment for calling him on the whole mess.

At that point I am starting to get a bit crabby. I pointed out to him I know Chris and then he recalls it. I have BEEN there on the game events. All he had to say to that was he wanted to play Frisbee and she was available, so they spent 3 hours hanging out and playing Frisbee.

His reasoning for breaking his word... .he wanted to play RIGHT THEN instead of waiting for the meeting time. His reason for the lie and the gaslighting? I didn't get one.

So after he realize I caught him out, he gave up trying to keep up the lie. He then told me he knows perfectly well how to restore trust with me. BUT. My behavior is the problem.

I am not justifying tit for tat. If he knows then why is he lying and breaking his word, then after I get upset about it, tell me that the reason he is not working to restore trust is because I am getting upset at him breaking trust. It is the cart before the pony. I didn't even try to point this out.

I just said then that I wish he would do what I actually needed to restore trust instead of what he thinks I need.

He is now saying he doesn't understand "the way you need it."

What is so hard to understand? Stop lying, cheating, breaking his word.

Repercussion for him is he misses awesome times with me. I guess I must not actually be all that awesome 

[Daniell85]

He just did it again last night. He says he is on vacation and wants to have fun. He says when his vacation is over, he will stop.

Then he tells me I am crazy because I show upset.  

I don't really want to move to the leaving board, because I prefer the lessons and stuff here.

I don't know what else to do.

I did tell him if it happens again, I am shutting things down between us. We had discussions yesterday and he knows what needs done, but he is prioritizing other things.

I am ok with ending the relationship. I am sad and have stuff to work through, but I will end it. It's best for me, my life, my well being. He has one more chance. I am guess he will continue as he has been. And I will kick him off Skype and we won't be talking again for the forseeable future.

[formflier]

 

 

FF

[Daniell85]

He appears to lack empathy.

The real issue for me is that my mental health is at stake. Every panic attack I have had in the last year has been triggered by him. Or to be fairer, I am triggering off of him. I just want to be ok.

 back

[formflier]

Couple quick thoughts... .

You are correct... .your mental health is at stake and is priority number 1.  This is your work to do... .and will be well worth it. 

Please discuss with your T... .if you have never gone through full evaluation with a P... .probably a good idea to work with someone the T knows.

This work will help you clarify things in your life... .help you make better decisions.

As you have found out... .trying to make big decisions while dealing with panic is not a good plan... .

You can do this!

2nd... .is there any reason to explain your boundaries again? 

You have a right to your boundaries...

He has a right to choose to respect them or not... .

The ball seems to be back in your court... .

FF

[Daniell85]

He isn't going to respect my boundries.

He indicated he will stop with the one on one when his vacation is over. This week I guess.

I heard this stuff all before. It led to an affair. Yes, this is his choice. I am not saying he is making me end things. I don't want to end things. I'm sad and sorry he doesn't care about what I need. He acts like there is no reason for me to feel how I do. I could totally see his attitude if I had come out of the blue upset at him, and he had never had the affair.

But did have one. The further disregard, coldness, disrespect... I am not coping. I don't see him changing. I tried to tell him yesterday that we don't have the same perspective/values. And that is ok. He is himself and I am myself. The cracking point is the damage I feel and a compromise cannot be had. I realize this is my line in the sand. It's going to get violated today, or tomorrow.

What is the point of a full scale effort on my part to heal while I am feeling so undermined?

Tried to get him to set our relationship down peacefully yesterday. Well he said, I know what is needed to repair trust. He may know, but he won't do it.

I don't know what there is to do with that.

[formflier]

He isn't going to respect my boundries.

Are you?

FF

[Daniell85]

I am. I don't talk to people who undermine my mental health.

[Daniell85]

Saw therapist, it went well. I feel more confident in my position. By that, I my own boundries/values, that I have let be walked all over. Then I am upset. I understand the implication of that.

Boyfriend appears to have decided last night and so far today that he is going to avoid testing my boundry.  I think probably it is a matter of time till he does. In the meantime, possibly he will begin to see that I am just not interested in sticking around if he wants to spend time with other women.

I not sure if any of the men/women here ( married, in relationships) feel it's ok to have one on one with opposite sex, even for recreation. Friends. It has become a really dangerous idea to me.

Any comments on that are welcome I am willing to try and work through my own knots about it.

[formflier]

I not sure if any of the men/women here ( married, in relationships) feel it's ok to have one on one with opposite sex, even for recreation. Friends. It has become a really dangerous idea to me.

It is rare that this works out well... .

The thing is... it's like playing with fire... .you may be able to do it several times and not get burned... .but... .

FF

[Daniell85]

that's what I figured :/