What to say/not to say after Silent Treatment has been broken?

[lovers knot]

Since I've been given the Silent Treatment Ice Age for a while now, I've naturally pondered so many things, as the gears grind and the wheels turn, and just recently I thought of some questions to ask in the event that she and I talk again (which I hold out hope that we do, considering I'm still her friend and she's very dear to me).

To get right to the point:

If she contacts me again, wanting to talk to me, how does one approach the conversation in that case? I suppose it would be a "bad sign" if she asks me anything about her space/silence and asks me how I felt about it?

I've read two different thoughts on this:

1) Don't act like the silent treatment was bothersome, by just playing it cool;

2) Try and talk about it, using SET, and other methods of communicative lessons with BPDs;

3) ?

"I told you that I'd never abandon you, as you can see that I'm talking to you, like I said that I would, when you were ready."

"I'm not upset by you needing your space. You needed that, and I'm now here, talking with you, and that's what matters."

What to say, what not to say? I've read where some pwBPD will act like nothing ever happened, as if there were never a split/break/silent treatment/etc., and will talk like nothing ever changed.

What about this 60-day No Contact Rule? Obviously I've never been in a relationship with my pwBPD, as we've been nothing but great friends, but how does this apply? It seems like the 60-day NC, as I've read, has always applied to those that have been in relationships but have split/etc.

Anyway, curious about peoples' thoughts, ideas, insight, expertise on this topic of re-engaged conversation. Do you bring up the disorder, the long silence, etc., after you've re-connected? or, do you play it cool and not say anything about it? How to respond if she brings it up?

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[formflier]

 

Play it cool... .don't blame her for the NC... .don't take the blame for it either... .

If she desires to talk about it... you listen... .do very little talking... .

If she is wanting to know your feelings... .you were very confused... .and are trying to sort it out... .because you don't understand... .you want her to help you understand... .(do not use "why"... .why is for the courtroom)

So... you aren't acting like you don't care... .but you need to stay calm... .

You can probably find an honest way to do this... .since we really don't understand why they do this.  Sure we generally know... but... we could be wrong...


FF

[Beach_Babe]

How long NC?  Have you considered contacting her?  

FF: is the approach any different when you contact them? 

[ptilda]

My ST was broken for 2 reasons: first because he got a collection call on the credit card we share (I've been having to borrow money to get by). Second because I have the flu and had such a bad headache and flu that I needed to ask for help (the day after he contacted me about the CC) to get meds since I couldn't drive.

I made the "mistake" of being sucked into talking about the whole deal (he insists I never told him what he did wrong, right after I tell him what he did wrong). Now I'm trying to focus on only talking about the future now. Consequences of his decisions. Opportunities he will compromise if he continues the way he's going (with the divorce), etc.

I would maybe change your statement to "I understand that you needed space. I'm ready to move forward" and leave it at that for now. Moving forward can never be done without looking back from time to time. The healing will come, I believe. Stay strong!

[formflier]

FF: is the approach any different when you contact them? 

This is a general "rule"... .

If you are going to reach out to them... .do not be overly excited... .yes you are reaching out... .but don't "chase".

"Hey... .new coffee shop opened up... .I'm going today at 2.  Want to try it out... .?  My treat... "

Skip the "I miss yous... .stay awake at night thinking about you... .etc etc"  Be rather nonchalant to slightly interested.

Then... when you meet... .keep it light... .surfacey... .

Let them be the one pushing... .chasing for more intimacy... .don't resist... .but take baby steps towards them... .when they are asking for big leaps. 

Same thing when they pull away... .

They will flit from one side to another of the push/pull dynamic... .your job is to stay centered... .

FF

[ptilda]

Conversation via text today after he came by twice yesterday to bring Thera Flu and then some cash:

Him: "When will you try to help yourself finding even a part time job and stop being a checker so some people will stop using you as you gave them opportunity. Make a plan for you too." [despite my teaching bringing in 3x or more what I'd make at an office job, he thinks it's not a real job and I should try to get a retail job or something. And he is now painting me "white" and blaming the church and other people for using me and taking advantage of me]

Me: "Ok. Thanks"

Him: [3 hours later] "Are you feel okay now? No more fever?"

Me: "I'm sweating a lot. But the headache is gone. Thank you so much. Teaching today so I'm happy."

Him: "Good I really hope you do better have a nice day!"

Me: "Thanks. You too."

Trying to keep things surface and look ahead. It's a challenge. It's a sensitive wound to try to look back just yet. He needs to see that there's a future before he can be in the mindset to deal with the past.

[formflier]

 

I think that was a great conversation via text

"Ok. Thanks" was a good... .possibly better response to unsolicited advice.

Eventually you will figure out if there is a way to tweak it better... .or just leave it at "OK thanks"

He is allowed to think whatever he wants about your career... .then you get to do the career you decide... .

He gets to do whatever he wants with his thoughts about that... .

Hey... .I'm curious about what is allegation is about the church using you... .(I'm not familiar with that part of your story).

If you can fill us in... .it might help.

FF

[ptilda]

I am very involved with my church and with church activities as a worship leader, and volunteer a portion of my time to a couple of outreaches. He has in his mind that they should be paying for my services. However, it's a bit of a "scratch my back, I'll scratch yours" arrangement. At my home church, I am allowed free use of the facilities for lessons and classes, which has opened me up to just about doubling my student base. Being under the covering of the organization has also allowed more opportunities for me, but he doesn't bother finding out about that.

He thinks they are using me and that's that. His mentality is very much a distrusting mentality which is super common in Haiti.