uBPDxw thinks D10 should be able to choose where to stay

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello!

     Quick recap:  uBPDxw and I divorced October 2014.  I have primary custody of D10.  uBPDxw has visitation Wednesday overnights and every other weekend.  Visitation schedule can be modified if both parties agree to the change and give 48 hours advance notice.

     Lately (last 2 weeks) D10 has been saying she doesn't want to go to uBPDxw's apartment, or saying she doesn't want to come back to my house when it's time.  uBPDxw thinks D10 should be able to choose when and where she stays.  I think that's horribly inappropriate, and that we should stick to the schedule.

     Yesterday D10 threw a huge fit because she wanted to go to uBPDxw's place.  She called me and told me I was being mean to D10 by not letting her come over and that she was coming over right now to pick up D10.  I told her I did not want her coming over.  She did anyway.  Big scene filled with BPD BS.  Eventually she left and D10 and I went to bed.

     Today D10 spent the day at uBPDxw's place.  I was to pick her up at 4.  I got a text saying D10 did not want to be picked up.  I decided to let D10 stay there until I hear back from my attorney about how best to deal with this situation.

     Anyone else had a similar issue?  How did you resolve it?

Thanks

[rubyhammer]

Hello!

     Quick recap:  uBPDxw and I divorced October 2014.  I have primary custody of D10.  uBPDxw has visitation Wednesday overnights and every other weekend.  Visitation schedule can be modified if both parties agree to the change and give 48 hours advance notice.

     Lately (last 2 weeks) D10 has been saying she doesn't want to go to uBPDxw's apartment, or saying she doesn't want to come back to my house when it's time.  uBPDxw thinks D10 should be able to choose when and where she stays.  I think that's horribly inappropriate, and that we should stick to the schedule.

     Yesterday D10 threw a huge fit because she wanted to go to uBPDxw's place.  She called me and told me I was being mean to D10 by not letting her come over and that she was coming over right now to pick up D10.  I told her I did not want her coming over.  She did anyway.  Big scene filled with BPD BS.  Eventually she left and D10 and I went to bed.

     Today D10 spent the day at uBPDxw's place.  I was to pick her up at 4.  I got a text saying D10 did not want to be picked up.  I decided to let D10 stay there until I hear back from my attorney about how best to deal with this situation.

     Anyone else had a similar issue?  How did you resolve it?

Thanks

[david]

If you have a court order I would follow that. My used to try stuff like that in the past. I would drive to her residence and call her cell phone. Once the voicemail turned on I am supposed to hang up and the kids should be out in 5 minutes. That is our court order. She once sent me an email stating our youngest was ill and not to pick him up. I drove there and followed the order. When I got no response I called the police. They came and informed me there was nothing they could do since it was a civil matter. They were ready to leave and I asked them to do a check on everyone since I had no indication if they were okay or not. As they walked towards ex's door my phone rang and S12 said he was coming out. I figure ex was looking out the window to see what I would do. That is a boundary she hasn't crossed again.

Sounds like D10 may be going through something. It may be minor or not ? D10 is doing it in both directions so it isn't a specific thing about either individual. That may need to be figured out and addressed in the proper manner.

[rubyhammer]

     I work hard to stick to the court ordered schedule.  uBPDxw works a little bit harder at not sticking to it, LOL. D10 just started counseling and has had 2 sessions.  She's not thrilled with the idea, but so far I haven't had any trouble getting her to go.  I'm very curious to know if uBPDxw is saying inappropriate things to D10 when I'm not around.  I know from my own experience that listening to a mentally ill person jabber on and on for hours was very exhausting.

[david]

My ex ran away in 2007 with our two boys. They were 4.5 and 8.5 at the time. Our oldest started to figure things out around 10. His school had a group for separated and divorced parents. That helped him a lot.

Our youngest is now 12 and he pretty much has things figured out about his mom. It took him a little longer. It may be because of his age when all this started or he is just because it took him a little longer.

Staying focused on the kids needs and being there for them was my biggest asset to prevent ex from alienating them from me.

Years ago if the kids complained about something I usually pointed out that it was in the court order and basically blamed the judge. Ex , of course, blamed me and that eventually backfired on her. Ex constantly blaming me for things just didn't add up for them since they didn't see the horrible things she was saying about me when they were with me.

Example, ex used to say I was drinking in excess. Problem for her was I really don't drink much and didn't have liquor in my house. Over time the boys concluded mom was a liar and dad told the truth.

Our youngest used to say I was abusive and mean. He was 5 at the time. One day he said I was mean and I chased him around the house like I was Frankenstein. He loved it and wanted me to be the "evil daddy monster" for quite some time after that. He stopped calling me abusive and mean after that point and just wanted to play.

Finding ways to defuse to vitriol from ex was not always easy but I got better at it and ex just did the same bs over and over.

[livednlearned]

Hi rubyhammer,

S10 is likely not sure what she wants if she has a BPD mom who is telling her how to feel, what to want, what to ask for. S10 is a kid, and she has to follow the rules. It's like school -- she might not always want to go, but she has to. 

You might also want to read up on validation -- Lesson 5 on this board has a lot of good material about validation with kids, especially validating questions. Add to that the psychological/emotional stuff that kids experience during divorce. Some of the emotional turbulence is part of divorce, some of it is having a BPD parent. It's good to know what's typical so that you can respond in appropriate ways. Validation will allow S10 to process sadness, grief, disappointment, frustration -- this is part of being an emotionally resilient person. "You feel really upset right now, and you're mad at me. It really hurts when we have to do one thing when we want to do another. Do you want to talk about it now, or would you rather talk about it later at home after I pick you up?"

Also, and you probably already know this    but it's really important to stay firm with the court order so that you don't find yourself in court with ex saying "SD10 spends more time with me, so custody should change."

Stay firm.

[Thunderstruck]

I've found with my SD10 that she tells uBPDbm what she wants to hear... .so she'll tell uBPDbm that she doesn't want to go to our house or to call my DH. Anything to appease BPDmom (and so BPDmom won't rage at her). I also think sometimes uBPDbm exaggerates or just plain fabricates that SD10 doesn't want to be with us. When SD10 is at our house, everything is good.

When SD10 is in trouble with us she'll yell that she hates us and wants to go to her mom's house. I don't think she in her heart believes this, I think it's a   from a BPD parent (hurt the person who's hurting you).

We just stick to the court order. We haven't had issues with uBPDbm refusing to follow the order, but she has caused drama at exchanges before (getting SD10 all worked up and crying that she doesn't want to come with us). We try to have the exchanges through school or daycare as much as possible.

And I agree with you, it's incredibly inappropriate for a 10 year old to be picking where to live. The judge on our case won't even listen to a child's opinion because he knows that a parent will force a child to "take sides" and it's completely unhealthy.