Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 29, 2024, 06:38:52 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Skills we were never taught
98
A 3 Minute Lesson
on Ending Conflict
Communication Skills-
Don't Be Invalidating
Listen with Empathy -
A Powerful Life Skill
Setting Boundaries
and Setting Limits
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Round #2 ? With BPDgf. (I posted this in Unsure of Leaving or Staying)  (Read 406 times)
JohnnyShoes
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 166



« on: August 11, 2015, 08:03:20 PM »

 broke NC about a week ago.

We met and few days later... I got a bunch if tears that made me feel guilty as a murderer.

Proceeded carefully... .

Things were going "fine".

She's been very accommodating...

But I could STILL feel like something does not sit right. Its a nagging feeling.

Today I met her at her job... .she told me she was becoming Very I'll. She's tired, has a headache ad also told me she had a business 'proposition" "Meeting" she had to go to a 6pm.

She texted me from her house saying she felt like she had to vomit. All she wanted to do was go to bsleep. She hoped the "meeting" wouldn't last long.

All of a sudden at 6pm she calls me... I answer... all I hear is fumbling on the other end... .to the point I realize... .SHE DOESNT KNOW SHE DIALED MY PHONE BY ACCIDENT.

I hear her get into some guys car. Talking about her job. I heard her say "That's the place where I work!" As they drove by.

I hear her laughing and chatting.

I hear them exit the car and walk... I hear music... .

One thing us for sure, she doesn't sound like she wants to vomit or that she's sick and has a headache.

This went on for an hour before she fumbled with the phone and ended the call.

That was over an hour ago and I've heard nothing... .Nothing but my own gut telling me how much of a fool I feel.

And yet... .I still wonder if I'm wrong.

Cause she will blame me for breaking up with her... .and breaking HER heart... .like *I'm The Bad Guy"

Why am I scared of her?

Why dont I listen to my own gut?
Logged
PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

Schermarhorn
formerly nonya24
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 258



« Reply #1 on: August 11, 2015, 08:12:19 PM »

I would be irrate. I'm sorry you had to go through with that.

What exactly do you feel guilty about? Leaving her before?
Logged
JohnnyShoes
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 166



« Reply #2 on: August 11, 2015, 08:22:19 PM »

I was in NC before... .and after we got back together... .I was crucified for Leaving her.

In the same conversation... I witnessed crying and PLEADING to not break her heart... .

But its MY heart that's breaking right now.

I feel terrible... .and in 39 mins... I have to go to work at a convenience store ALL night and work Alone (this will be my first night to solo)

I feel so empty and lost... and I wonder if I'll be able to work. I hope I dont FCK up and lose my (new found) job.
Logged
Inside
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 604



« Reply #3 on: August 11, 2015, 09:14:12 PM »

This is not you, this is a sick person with a problem you can’t solve.  Neither can she.  Trust is paramount, and you now owe her nothing.  Save yourself, concentrate on the new job - and move ahead.  Time with her is beyond time wasted, it’s detrimental to your health, in all ways.  Protect yourself ... .and pity her next victim...   Nobody wins with BPD ~

Logged
Darsha500
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 168



« Reply #4 on: August 11, 2015, 09:22:58 PM »

Hey Johnny,

I just read one of your old posts, the one on your body warning you against being with your Ex. I could relate. Its those Gut reactions that we take for granted and try to ignore it seems. ":)efying my intuition I come up empty handed."

But I was reading your older post and I noticed allot of determination in you. It inspired me. Can you stay strong man? Its funny, because as I am asking you this, I am also asking it of myself.

Perhaps what you experienced today, with this phone call nonsense, will be enough to confirm your suspicion that going back is not worth while. Sounds like such an awful experience man. You had mentioned feeling scared of your ex. I get it, I feel the same way about mine. So odd how we want them back despite all the misery.

I'll be honest, I was even contemplating breaking no contact with my ex earlier, after i re-listened to the last song she had sent me after I broke up with her. https://youtu.be/Mq9zhpBweDk It yanked at my heart strings so hard. I was like, Dude why are you putting yourself through this. It took me a minute to get back in touch with reason and rationality.

Your gonna make it through your day at work. Just keep your chin up.

Logged
DearBFF
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Friend
Posts: 195


« Reply #5 on: August 11, 2015, 10:29:49 PM »

JohnnyShoes, it is completely understandable why you feel the way you do, as it sucks to feel toyed with (even if they don't do it on purpose).

To try to shed some light on the BPDness of it all... .I'm wondering if she truly felt sick because she knew she had a guy coming over to get her, and she had you and she felt bad/guilty and it was making her feel sick.  Also, calling you about it could truly have been some sort of test (which I know sounds awful, but I could see it).  Like she was seeing how you'd respond and if she didn't like the response (really there is no way to win here) then she goes out with the guy annoyed you didn't respond how she wanted, or it could have gone the other way and she could have cancelled her plans with him and invited you over to take care of her.

I know this probably doesn't sound very believable but they are really really great at hiding things like when they feel bad because they don't want to look weak to outsiders.  Outsiders being anyone who hasn't seen behind their mask.  BFF would work so hard she would literally run her body into the ground... .while giving her a massage one night I noticed she literally has gaps in between her spinal column because her vertebrae are so ridiculously misaligned which contributes to the horrible pain she has almost daily; yet if you didn't see her crying doubled over in pain you'd never know.  It's even swollen in a few spots and at her last job she had to go to the ER to get a shot it was spasming so badly, yet she was right back at work working her ass off like it was nothing.  In front of some people (the majority) she's fine and cracks jokes about working circles around the guys, joking with them that a girl is kicking their butts.  Then in front of a smaller circle she complains about all the work she has to do... .then in front of me she's doubled over in pain and sobbing.  I know it sounds weird, but honestly if you think of it like that it's a good analogy.  The world is in the outer circle and they will have the most complimentary things to say, because they really don't know them.  Then there are the acquaintances they are complimentary but they may use words like flaky or hard to get in touch with at times.  They've probably heard some of her sob story and know she's had it rough.  Then there is the inner circle of family and friends, they have seen enough to know something is up.  These people are complimentary again, but usually with phrases like "has so much potential" and they would usually state something like "maybe she has bipolar" to explain away her behavior.  They still love and accept her but they don't want to get on her bad side, some of them are possibly painted black often and she cuts off all contact over and over again.  Then she recycles them and they are not sure what they did but they are glad to be forgiven for whatever it was, as it doesn't always occur to them that it is mostly her causing the issues.  If there is a level deeper I'd say that's where I tend to live, then I get kicked out into the Inner circle when I get to close.

I see the beautiful mask that the world sees, I hear the horrible things she says about the acquaintances she feels have wronged her, and I've been recycled more times than I can count.  The main difference of why I say I'm on a deeper level though is that I see behind it, she actually talks to me after she says horrible things, she gives me a hug to let me know she's sorry when she can't say it (even days after) and she sobs at the hurt she causes to me and others.  NO ONE, else sees this stuff... .  The inner circle might get part of a conversation like, "I feel like a horrible friend she said this thing and I snapped because I'm so stressed" but she will leave out the part where she raged or the exact horrible things she said when she snapped.  This is why when you see the BPD there is almost no one you can tell because they won't believe you and because the idea of their loved one or friend is so opposite the one they interact with they'll probably label you the crazy one.

I hope work is going well for you and that you know we're here for you.   

Distractions are awesome... .make a playlist of your favorite songs (upbeat stuff), youtube playlists of hilarious videos to brighten your mood, and above all else be kind to yourself.  Even they wouldn't want to deal with them, but we love them anyways... . 
Logged

JohnnyShoes
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 166



« Reply #6 on: August 12, 2015, 08:27:36 AM »

I should add here... (whether or not it makes a difference, I dont know)... .

But she had worked a graveyard shift... .and before that, she asked if I had any laundry (she was going to do my laundry for me... .which she had done one time previously)

I also told her that my cell phone wasn't operating properly, and without any further comment from me, she purchased a Tracfone for me.

Its almost like no expense was too much. I was at first a little uncomfortable... .But I saw it as... "Wow, she *must* love me... .why else would she spend her money on me... .and even do my laundry"...

At this same time she took my laundry she complained about feeling sick. I hugged her goodbye, and she was concerned I didn't contract whatever it was she was feeling. That was at 3pm. She told me of her meeting... and how she wished she didn't have to go.

She lives with her daughter who is 30 and her daughter recently has her boy friend staying over.

It is THIS guy whom I suspect was driving her (if you read my post above, she Accidentally Called my phone unknowingly... .and all I could hear was her and a guy in a car)

But her and her daughter share only one car.

Her daughter needs the car at 10:30 pm at night... .

My question that I'm asking myself... .if she's got a meeting at 6pm... .WHY is she letting this guy (assuming its her daughters boyfriend) drive her to her meeting in HIS car?

Especially when she sounds perfectly fine.

Not once did she mentioned me to this "guy"... .She did talk about work.

Then, towards the end of the phone call... .I hear her talking to a woman ... .I couldn't make out what they were saying, BUT IT SURE DIDNT SOUND LIKE ANY BUSINESS MEETING TO ME.

Another interesting thing... .since she discovered that her phone had dialed me and had been ON for almost an hour... .I have not heard a peep out of here either Text or Phone... .

Almost as if she is guilty that she got Busted... .OR... .

She's turning this around on me and accusing me of spying in on her conversation.

Just trying to make sense out of the senseless... and to not jump to conclusions and make any false accusations.

Can somebody help me with that?

I dont want to falsely accuse her because I may be ignorantly jealous or seemingly controlling.

Not sure if she's done anything wrong here... but MY GUT doesn't like it. Something about it smells
Logged
DearBFF
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Friend
Posts: 195


« Reply #7 on: August 12, 2015, 07:31:43 PM »

JohnnyShoes, as for her buying you the phone and offering to do your laundry for you I have noticed with BFF when she comes back after hurting my feelings (even if I haven't said so) she becomes almost overly accommodating.  Asking me to spend the night immediately after reuniting, then usually the next day when we get up asking me to stay again, almost like she can't stand to be away from me then since she had been without me a month (although that's her doing).  She will also almost dote on me, "What do you want to eat/drink?  I'll get it... .  What are you doing this week?  Let's go here, do this... ."  She compliments me more, pays more attention to me (isn't always on her cell phone), and always answers her phone when I call (even if it's to say she's busy).  It's like her she needs to calm her guilt by making it up to me.

It's odd that she would be out with her daughter's boyfriend, I would think her daughter may not know about that and probably wouldn't like it.  He could have just dropped her off, but I wouldn't be surprised if they went out together if daughter was busy.

I think you should be upfront with her about having received the phone call probably didn't intend for you to make.  Something like "You may not have realized this, but I think you accidentally called me the other night.  It sounded like you were out... ."  Then see what she says.  You are not making an accusation or saying she did anything wrong, just stating you got the call... .  She may otherwise turn it around on you, although she may do that regardless whether you say something or not (they tend to do that).  Also, if she does feel bad/guilty about it she probably won't bring it up unless she is upset about something else then she may add that to the list of things she may say she feels you have done wrong recently.  (I know it can sometimes feel like you can't do anything right for them.)

Did you break NC or did she?  Was there talk of rekindling a romantic relationship or more just catching up and checking in on one another?
Logged

JohnnyShoes
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 166



« Reply #8 on: August 12, 2015, 08:08:36 PM »

Just spoke to my BPDgf...

Her voice is shot... she's definitely not well.

She told me about where she been... .who it was in the car... .

She was approached by a past friend about a business opportunity ( can you smell a pyramid scheme coming?)

Her old friend offered to pick her up cause it was 30 mil drive.

Turned out to be just what I mentioned... a pyramid scheme. The reason they wanted to drive her, so this guy ( and another woman friend of hers was there in the car as well) ... .so that when she discovered what it was, she would still have to listen to the whole sales pitch... .cause they drove her.

I told her I didn't like her going off in there car... .but she said... she wasn't feeling well, and if they wanted to pick her up to drive 30 miles one way. ( save on gas) then that was fine with her.

I gotta admit, I have been known to over react... .but I was just going on the info I had at the time. I was told she was going for an interview... .that's what she thought as well... until she got there and found out what it was.

I just wish she had done a little research on the name of this company... .then she could've saved herself time and getting more sick.

So... I'm continuing.

Guess this post should be re categorized.

Not sure what the heck is going on. Treading cautiously.

Thank you everyone. I'm heading out to work my late night shift. She works in a different retail and also doing a graveyard shift tonight.

Johnny
Logged
DearBFF
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Friend
Posts: 195


« Reply #9 on: August 12, 2015, 11:34:43 PM »

Johnny, as much as we want to we can't save the from decisions that might not be in their best interest even though we may want to.  It's good she figured it out, and it makes total sense why they would want to drive her then.

I think the conclusion you came to based on the info you had is perfectly reasonable, and not an overreaction in the least.  It sounds like you discussed it with her instead of making accusations so I think that's good.

It's frustrating when something feels off and we can't put our finger on it.

Take care and I hope things become clearer sooner than later.
Logged

Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!