living with someone with undiagnosed BPD

[mommadoo2014]

My husband has all the symptoms of BPD, but seeking mental help is taboo in his family ("No one in our family is crazy".  What can I do to survive life in this situation?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[sweetheart]

Hello and welcome mommadoo, 

You have come to a great forum that can definitely help you find ways to survive better in your current situation.

There are many members on here whose SO's are not receiving input from mental health services, and still positively benefit from the advice and support available to members here.

In my experience mental illness can be very difficult to talk about in families, it can be scary accepting that a family member is mentally ill.  I come from a family that keeps all it's problems secret, so breaking that unspoken rule was really hard for me when I first sought help. You have made a positive first step.

I will start by posting a link to get you started, there is a lot of information available, so take your time 

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206

Can you let us know a little bit more about you and your circumstances, support networks, family and friends?

Keep posting.

[ptilda]

I can relate. uBPDh is from Haiti where the worst insult is calling someone "fou" or insane. His sister has mental health issues, and that's a real sore spot for him. But as pointed out by sweetheart, there's a lot YOU can do to keep balance and learn to make life easier. I look for the day when he will realize that therapy will help him live a happier life. But until that happens, I'll keep doing what I need to do for me.

[Grey Kitty]

I read what you wrote in another members' topic about how hard living with him is right now, and wanted to ask a bit more about it.

You say he's alienated both your children and your joint daughter.

Has that impacted your individual relationship with the kids too? Or do the kids realize that you and he are separate people and you are behaving differently than your husband? Do any of them live with you and him?

I'm also wondering what you mean when you said your home feels like it is under siege. That sounds really harsh.

I find that the more specific and detailed a description of one incident or behavior, the easier it is to find a way to improve the situation.

[waverider]

Family denial of mental illness is common as the suggestion is faulty genetics or upbringing, and so it is normal for any suggestion to be seen as an attack on "the family honour". Many partners have fallen foul of attempting to find support from that source.

Strengthening our path is generally more fruitful than simply focusing on redirecting theirs.

[mommadoo2014]

We're approaching our 25th anniversary. 4 years ago, he told me wanted to "move on" from our marriage and he was cheating - but due to the BPD, he never "moved" anywhere. He figured out that the gf had serious mental health issues of her own, but it took over a year for him to completely sever that tie - and only when he found out she was sleeping with a friend of his. My kids don't come around much - I generally go to them - and our daughter merely tolerates him.

I recently realized that I took him back for two reasons:

1 - He couldn't get himself together enough to actually leave - he had no job and no vehicle, and because both our names are on the deed to our house, he asserted his right to live in "his" home - a home on which I had made all the mortgage and tax payments.

2 - He cannot take care of himself, and taking care of him had always been my responsibility, so it's a role with which I am familiar. So when he wanted to reconcile, I took him back. But the truth is, if he disappeared tomorrow, I would have a perfectly happy life. I have my children and my family, my friends, my home and my interests. When he's not having a BPD "episode" being with him is okay, but not a relationship I need to be complete. I find that I rarely take his outbursts personally anymore because I know what they come from. At the same time, they ARE upsetting. When he is upset, he goes out to the garage and throws things, kicks things, punches things, bellows and yells. And no matter what the trigger, he ends up berating me for my insufficiencies as a wife. I have reached the point where I ignore him while he's ranting, but some days I want to walk away. But if I did that, he would default on the mortgage, and because it is in both our names, it would cause financial crisis for me.

[waverider]

The financial situation in regards to the house is creating a degree of codependency.

Also it may be worthlooking into Caretaking.

These two factors always taint our choices, even though we may be fine in the moment with it they are the cornerstone to regret and resentment that may come later.