One step forward, two steps back? Long term affects of JADE

[Depression = 72% of members]

I am kicking myself in the emotional backside right now.

After nearly 3 months without seeing H we started talking. Now that he knows I am suffering (financially and I have the flu now), he seems to feel like he can come back and rescue me. He's staying firm to his "no other option than divorce" stance though.

So he comes to the house. After swearing he can't meet me in a public place because it puts his life in danger. Hoping this at least opens up or removes that obstacle. He brings me Thera Flu and tells me he wants to help me even if he gets deported. Once he gets a job, bla bla bla . . .

So I get into my logic (it's what I do, I'm a researcher and logic is everything, so it's a pretty deep habit). I start trying to tell him that there are other ways to go about this, to which he brushes me off and speaks over me. He starts saying, "I love you and will always help you, but I can be with you because of those things you did to me," at which point I blurted out, "what things? YOU beat ME! I have proof that will stand up in court." Yeah. Not smart.

He leaves.

We're texting a little, but the tiny window of trust got slammed shut.

I don't know how to do this. How do you learn? 4 decades of learning how to be logical and support my position, and now I have to throw that out the window? I'm so frustrated at myself.

[ptilda]

I am kicking myself in the emotional backside right now.

After nearly 3 months without seeing H we started talking. Now that he knows I am suffering (financially and I have the flu now), he seems to feel like he can come back and rescue me. He's staying firm to his "no other option than divorce" stance though.

So he comes to the house. After swearing he can't meet me in a public place because it puts his life in danger. Hoping this at least opens up or removes that obstacle. He brings me Thera Flu and tells me he wants to help me even if he gets deported. Once he gets a job, bla bla bla . . .

So I get into my logic (it's what I do, I'm a researcher and logic is everything, so it's a pretty deep habit). I start trying to tell him that there are other ways to go about this, to which he brushes me off and speaks over me. He starts saying, "I love you and will always help you, but I can be with you because of those things you did to me," at which point I blurted out, "what things? YOU beat ME! I have proof that will stand up in court." Yeah. Not smart.

He leaves.

We're texting a little, but the tiny window of trust got slammed shut.

I don't know how to do this. How do you learn? 4 decades of learning how to be logical and support my position, and now I have to throw that out the window? I'm so frustrated at myself.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Ceruleanblue]

Well, don't be too hard on yourself. Logic, or actual indisputable facts mean nothing to them. I'd bet most of them create the past to fit their story. I know BPDh does. Heck, just today while speaking with him on the phone, I said something innocent, and he repeated it back as something I hadn't even said. Of course with a totally ugly, negative slant. I just calmly stated that that was not what I said, and repeated what I'd actually said. I don't know why they do this, but I think it's because they want to justify their assumptions, painting us black, and playing the victim. I actually no longer care why, it's just tiring.

Take care of yourself, and try not to feel too badly about this interaction with him. I swear they can smell when we are at are weakest.

[ptilda]

My jaded mind even goes back to thinking that's actually why he showed up now . . . not because he wants to help me, but because I am weak and so he can prey on that. In some ways, it's true.

[ptilda]

Well he was apparently regulated pretty well today because my response seems to have little real affect on him. I of course could blame being sick! haha

Thinking about working through some programs to get help with counseling and then let him know when and where and invite him to join me so that he can show the judge he's making the effort. But knowing him he might insist that he choose the counselor, which is no problem for me. As long as we go. And if it's just me, that's ok too.

Interestingly, he actually prefers to ask for a "therapist" than "counselor" because the difference to him is that the therapist is more highly qualified. Again, I'll take it.

Tactics: Stay polite. Stay sparsely involved (respond to messages, help him apply for jobs (he asked for my help on this), etc. Talk about the future. Give him opportunity to build hope . . . Slowly increase interaction.