BPDh invites others on our vaction? What?

[Notwendy]

"I'm going to make the best of it though. I guess I handled it wrong, but I still fail to see a good choice in this. He's been grumpy already this morning as we got ready, and has been argumentative, hoping I'll take the bait. I didn't. "


I don't know if there is a "right" way to handle this if that definition includes his considering your side of the issue and collaborating with you. It is good that you have read Patricia Evans' books because I will discuss her description of two different collaboration styles when two people want different things. When discussing the couple, she states two different points of view. The woman ( could be either) is seeking a win -win collaboration which includes a peaceful discussion.

The man has a worldview where his partner is his fantasy Teddy. Like a real Teddy Bear, the fantasy Teddy never speaks her mind, and is content to be his cute and cuddly play toy. He can do what he wants with Teddy, ignore Teddy, play with Teddy but no matter what, Teddy is always there to be Teddy.

It gets difficult when Teddy speaks up and says "no, I am not available, or I don't want that". In black and white thinking terms, you are either Teddy, or not Teddy, good Teddy or Bad Teddy. When Teddy upsets the situation- the result is not a collaborative decision, but a win- lose situation to someone like this. His way= win ,your way= lose and his intent is to win and once again silence Teddy into submission.


Whether or not this fits exactly, it is an interesting model. Having any kind of collaborative discussion with my H is difficult because he sees it as a win or lose, not anything in between and he can argue for the sake of winning, even if he secretly agrees with me, because to agree with me is to lose in his eyes.

Is there a right way to handle this? The only "right" way I know of is to do what is right in my own eyes. It may not be what I want, but it may be right to defend my boundaries. Sometimes this takes actions, not words.

You want a nice vacation with your H. That is understandable, but he is going to do what he wants to do regardless. All you can do is act according to your own values. You will see how this works out.

I also wish for a nice vacation with my H, but this can happen only in some circumstances and still, I can not control the outcome. The first time I had a work related conference in a place where it was nice for families, he agreed to come along and watch the kids so we could then have family time in a nice place in the evenings. I hope you are laughing now. This was early on in our marriage and I had no idea what was going on with him. As soon as we got to the hotel, my agreeable husband Jeckyl turned into Mr Hyde, refused to watch the kids and was nasty to me the whole time.  Well, we discussed this, ( and he denied his behavior ) but I agreed to try it again and the same thing happened two more times after which I decided no more taking him along to any work related events. I have worked on and off and been a stay at home mom, but I have stuck to this because I want to enjoy my job events. Ideally, I could enjoy them with him, but I can't control him and I don't trust him to behave in this situation.


It was not the right choice in the sense that we came to an understanding, or his behavior was different. It was only the right choice in that I chose not to tolerate his behavior in that situation, and set a boundary on it. We have other times where we take vacations together and they are not always easy, but it is best if I don't have a situation like work in the mix.

You will find your own "right way" and I hope this vacation turns out to be good.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[Notwendy]

The making you the bad guy is also part of black and white thinking. For him to be the good guy, and say no to his friends ( if he did) there has to be a bad guy.

This is not something that happens with my H, thankfully,  but it does with BPD mom.  I am sorry you are going through this because it really hurts. I know I have cried a lot of tears over this as my mother does this to family members. I know this because some of them have told me what she said to them.

There are several members on her side of the family and family friends to whom she has painted an entirely different picture of me. I was shocked to learn that some of them believe her...  My mother, in a fit of anger at me before my father's funeral,  told them not to speak to me and so they did not speak to me at the funeral. Since I was confused, I later tried to contact one of them, and he told me that he was told not to speak to me. This is a grown man, my parents age who has known me since I was born, and he believed her. Once, one of her relatives was discussing me  to another one, and accidentally hit "reply all" and my e mail was included. When I opened it, it at first looked like they were talking about her- as it sounded like a person who had serious problems... .until I realized they were talking about me.

My first reaction to this was to sob, and I was so sad to think this is what people thought about me, and it was all a bunch of lies. But what to do about it? To get into a "my word" vs Mom's word" would be a losing battle. They would hear anything I said to them through the filter she created. I let it go. It felt like I lost half my family until I realized that if they really were my family, they would not let anyone break that relationship.

Long story to say that yes, your H can say anything to his friends, and it hurts, but your real friends know who you are. Focus on them.

[formflier]

 

I hope you have a great vacation with just your hubby!

 

If others show up... .take 123Phoebe's advice... .take yourself seriously... .and take yourself somewhere else... .

FF

[formflier]

 

Can't wait to here how the weekend went?

FF