Informing Husband & Relatives of my Lover ?

[presentmind]

I have been in a significant relationship with a married woman (T) since over a year, who I believe is a high functioning BPD.

She and her husband (M) are doctors (only the husband works0 they own a clinic together and raise her 15 year old daughter together in shared custody with her ex.

They have been together 8 years in a monogamous marriage and she had convinced her husband to have an open relationship so that she could have a lover.

When I met them, she decided that I was the one to be her lover. We started our relationship with full consent of the husband, and our relationship grew very strong and deep quickly. She expressed the desire to have a child with me (husband cannot have kids) . I also noticed that she was not honest with her husband about many things. I often had to fill in the blanks so there was integrity which to me matters greatly.

The husband felt more and more threatened as T.was in love and devoted to me much more than to him. Things blew up after a few months and she left him to be with me. The husband started blackmailing & punishing her and a nasty divorce was put in motion. I was happy and open to moving forward, we tried to get pregnant. After a few weeks, she started to feel unstable as she watched her family being destroyed. She then started pulling back from me and ultimately let her husband back in. She and I broke up, and a few months later she started pursuing me again. I later understood that this was now out of integrity as teh husband had made it very clear that he would only work on the marriage if she would give up her relationship with me and the idea of polyamory. She convinced me that I am the love of her life and that she will follow through with the divorce, that she wants to have a family with me. She and i agree to get married pregnant and that she would inform her husband at the next therapy session. This never happened, she kept postponing. She begged me to get pregnant as a way to push her husband away instead of being straight with him, but I said no to that. She is in weekly therapy with her husband and has never mentioned that she has been in 24/7 contact with me since january, always via skype messaging, to my # to appear on the phone bill.

Two months ago she had a blow up with her husband who left, and then came back. She let him in again. I said she needs to make a choice and that I am pulling away, moving on with my life until she is clear. Since then she has become more and more distant and now is becoming hostile, threatens to call the police if she or her family run into me. She is telling bad things about me and insisting that people who know both of us break contact with me.

She had also told me I could never contact her family.

I know how deep and real our connection is, that she is probably still thinking of me all the time as I am thinking of her.

My question on this board is: I see the problems, I have studied psychology and have been learning a lot about BPD this last year, and I want to do something. Should I inform her husband and relatives of the situation ?

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[ptilda]

I just can't wrap my mind around these things. My first marriage became an "open" marriage basically because that was my way of trying to keep him from cheating and sleeping with prostitutes. If her husband is not enough for her, what makes you think you'll be enough for her? And HE is her husband, not you. Until that is no longer the case, and unless you want to be looking over the shoulder of your relationship for the duration, you should look at her as "off limits."

Basically, I know this might come off as negative and judgmental, but you got yourself into this. There is no good reason to enter into a relationship with a married woman. My $0.02