pwBPD jealous of a hobby?

[ColdEthyl]

My dBPDh and I had made plans this week to watch the meteors. We picked a nice, dark secluded spot. He mentioned setting up my tripod (the past year i have been getting really interested in photography) and I loved the idea. I got excited about the idea of catching a meteor on film, so I did some research in ISO settings and such. He even asked me yesterday evening if I though about taking any photography classes to learn and for fun, and we talked about that.

Well, last night he started to dysregulate. I mentioned... .kind of thinking out loud... .that I was going to be pretty tired for work and I wished it was peaking on the weekend. Somehow, that got turned into I didn't want to go... .obviously I wasn't ever excited about the meteors... .instead of wanting to spend time with him on a blanket holding his hand all I wanted to do was take pictures so I could "put them on social media and show everyone my pictures"

Then, he went into being upset about me taking a camera to concerts. In the past, he felt that I took too many pictures and I didn't enjoy the show as much, and I agreed to cut down. And I did... .by a lot. I took hundreds of pictures before, now I take about 20-30 and that's it.

He knows I am interested in photography. We drive to places just to take photos, and he loves the road trips. It's a fun thing we do together... .I thought. But all of a sudden, I am a jerkoff who just shoves cameras in everyone and everything's face, and I just want social media to bow down to my pictures. (none of this is true... I do post my photos but the fun for me is taking them and cropping/staging the photos)

The very first second when he said he wanted me to keep the camera home for our meteor trip, I said in a low, calm voice that I respect his feelings on the situation and I have no problem leaving it at home. He still went off for a good 30 minutes, recycling the same comments like I didn't say a thing.

Is this some sort of jealousy about me being interested in something? Or just a jab at me for a faux pas I am unaware of?

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[turbo squash]

Do you think it is possible that he is trying to say something else and just isn't communicating it very well?

I used to play video games. Growing up in a troubled home was difficult, but video games were my escape. Once I got married, my wife tried to be supportive of them but ultimately, my frequent video game playing hurt her feelings.

Why? Quality time is her love language. When I devote all of my attention to her, she feels loved. When I don't give her all of my attention in a moment, she doesn't feel the love as much, regardless of what my intentions are.

Do you think it is possible that he is wanting more of your attention than you are giving him?

[ColdEthyl]

We spend every waking moment together if I am not at work. I haven't even gone out on a photo shoot by myself in 5 years or so, because he enjoys going and I enjoy him being there.

My thought on it was maybe when I said I was going to be tired, he took it like I didn't want to go, and he sort of just attacked the photography thing cuz well... .cuz BPD. But I am not sure.

"I used to play video games. Growing up in a troubled home was difficult, but video games were my escape. Once I got married, my wife tried to be supportive of them but ultimately, my frequent video game playing hurt her feelings."

We both play a lot of video games, and he gets the lion's share of the time. Neither one of us make a big deal out of how much time we spend, but he does watch me play sometimes and try to tell me how to. I am actually a pretty good gamer, and I think it irritates him that I might be a little better on some games.

[Ceruleanblue]

I too think it actually might be that he feels ignored and just needs more time where you aren't distracted. BPDh tends to get super focused on his hobbies too, and I admit to feeling ignored at times. I just wish he'd balance his need for his hobbies, and "him time", with my need to feel I matter and stay connected.

Did you husband seem happy when you backed off some on the amount of pictures you take at events? Sometimes marriage is about compromise, and just because someone has BPD doesn't mean they don't have a point. I try not to just blow off what BPDh says and just write it off as BPD, and I don't think you are doing that either. The thing about BPD is that because they attack so often, it makes us second guess ourselves.

Can you do some of both when you do the meteor thing? Is he open to compromise? I feel his not wanting you to even take the camera is pretty controlling. My husband and I bought two nice cameras and have yet to pursue it. Does he have any interest in it?

[OffRoad]

Here's what I got out of that.

You said you were pretty tired because of work and wish the meteors were peaking on the weekend.

This = the pictures of the meteors is the important part of the outing for you.

You could obviously lay on a blanket holding your h's hand even if you were tired. But it's hard to take pictures if you are tired, especially when you have to get your settings correct.

If the pictures are more important, then spending time with your H is less important.

Then the meteors are not even important since just looking at them with your H is not enough.

The part I saw as most important in what he said was:"instead of wanting to spend time with him on a blanket holding his hand all I wanted to do was take pictures"

It's the sifting though all the smoke and mirrors that makes it tough.

[ColdEthyl]

Did you husband seem happy when you backed off some on the amount of pictures you take at events? Sometimes marriage is about compromise, and just because someone has BPD doesn't mean they don't have a point. I try not to just blow off what BPDh says and just write it off as BPD, and I don't think you are doing that either. The thing about BPD is that because they attack so often, it makes us second guess ourselves.

He did, and there have been times I didn't take the camera at all. I am more than willing to compromise, and that's what I have done.

Can you do some of both when you do the meteor thing? Is he open to compromise? I feel his not wanting you to even take the camera is pretty controlling. My husband and I bought two nice cameras and have yet to pursue it. Does he have any interest in it?

I'm OK with him not wanting me to bring the camera because he wanted to share the moment with me. It was my first time seeing meteors, I understood his feelings on the matter and I told him right out of the gate that I respect his feelings and that I have no problem not bringing it.

Offroad:

You said you were pretty tired because of work and wish the meteors were peaking on the weekend.

This = the pictures of the meteors is the important part of the outing for you.

This was my guess, that what I meant simply was that I wish it happened over the weekend, but what he heard was "I don't want to do this event with you because I'll be tired." I'm confused why he brought up photography into the whole thing... .especially since he suggested it in the first place, encouraged me to look into classes, then *swoosh* he pulled the rug out.

[OffRoad]

Offroad:

You said you were pretty tired because of work and wish the meteors were peaking on the weekend.

This = the pictures of the meteors is the important part of the outing for you.

This was my guess, that what I meant simply was that I wish it happened over the weekend, but what he heard was "I don't want to do this event with you because I'll be tired." I'm confused why he brought up photography into the whole thing... .especially since he suggested it in the first place, encouraged me to look into classes, then *swoosh* he pulled the rug out.

I'm thinking that what he heard was that you wanted it to have peaked on the weekend because getting the pictures when you were not tired was more important than sitting with him on the blanket during the week and possibly not getting pictures because you were tired. He is now competing with the pictures in his mind. Just a guess, though.

[waverider]

It wont be about this specific issue it will be about competing for attention, this was the moment it bubbled to the surface.

Just pay him attention and make a point of not taking photos sometimes. Ignore some of the illogical sulks, after all it is BPD and it will happen

[Notwendy]

For my H  (traits) anything I am interested in can possibly misinterpreted by him as "not interested in me".  

He has gotten jealous of a number of my hobbies and interests. He can also exaggerate them into being larger than they are. For instance, If  I choose to read about a certain topic, he states that I am "ALWAYS reading about it, becoming obsessed about it, and making it the center of my life."

Black and white thinking. Interest in something is ONLY that something, which then gets translated into NO interest in him.

It is interesting that it is my H that gets all absorbed in an interest to the exclusion of others, so perhaps this is some projection on his part. Years ago, he got on a fitness kick. After work, he would come home and spend most of the evening on this hobby. This was a change for us since evenings were usually family time, and I didn't make other plans. As you can imagine, he decided to do this without any discussion about the plans with me. I didn't mind - it was good for him, but I found myself home in the evenings with no plans. The kids are older and don't need me around constantly, so, I decided since some of my evenings were free, I would take a class a few nights.

This had nothing to do with him, but he didn't see it this way. You see, he can indulge himself in a hobby and be fine with me being in the house without interacting with me, but when I took on a hobby, then it was "I don't like that you are gone EVERY evening".

[Cat Familiar]

Yes, yes, yes!

That black and white thinking of all or nothing emerges and if you're interested in something that doesn't immediately involve them, then obviously you don't care about them at all!

I get that too. He says all I'm interested in are my horses. Yes, I ride them a couple of times a week, but there's a lot of time I spend with him and much more time I focus entirely upon him, but in his mind, all I do is ride the horses.  

[ColdEthyl]

It wont be about this specific issue it will be about competing for attention, this was the moment it bubbled to the surface.

Just pay him attention and make a point of not taking photos sometimes. Ignore some of the illogical sulks, after all it is BPD and it will happen

*sighs* You are right. I was afraid of down the road if I did decide to take photography classes, it's going to cause problems. But, you are right. No matter what I do he sometimes is just going illogically sulk.

Not Wendy:

Black and white thinking. Interest in something is ONLY that something, which then gets translated into NO interest in him.

Yes! That makes sense. Mine does the same thing, too. He does a lot of reading on political commenting online. Usually when he's on his laptop, I just my own thing. Sometimes I'm playing a game, sometimes reading, etc. When he wants to talk to me, he will just start talking and if I don't give him my full attention, he gets upset. But at the exact same time, if I'm talking to him and he looks down and someone replied... .well shoot give him a sec he needs to make his post. He will do this simultaneously. *shakes head*

I get that too. He says all I'm interested in are my horses. Yes, I ride them a couple of times a week, but there's a lot of time I spend with him and much more time I focus entirely upon him, but in his mind, all I do is ride the horses.   rolleyes

Oooh yeah... .ALL I do is this... .ALL I do is that. Blah that damned black/white thinking!

[Cat Familiar]

Here's another one: when we swim together, I typically swim laps while he will swim underwater for a while and then get out and sit on a chaise lounge and read.

He gets annoyed that I swim laps--that I'm not "with him," yet if I sit next to him, he's got his nose stuck in a book or magazine and I can barely get two words of conversation out of him.

So I swim laps and periodically stop and say something to him.

These things used to annoy me, OK, they still do annoy me, but not nearly as much. Now I'm starting to find them funny.

[ColdEthyl]

Here's another one: when we swim together, I typically swim laps while he will swim underwater for a while and then get out and sit on a chaise lounge and read.

He gets annoyed that I swim laps--that I'm not "with him," yet if I sit next to him, he's got his nose stuck in a book or magazine and I can barely get two words of conversation out of him.

So I swim laps and periodically stop and say something to him.

These things used to annoy me, OK, they still do annoy me, but not nearly as much. Now I'm starting to find them funny.

I'm getting better at it. Knowing where it comes from helps me. I'm sure I'm going to hear crap about my photography class, but he's just going to have to suck it up.

[GreenGrover]

As a fellow photographer, I can feel your pain.  This has to be tough.   

My exbffBPD did this with her ex.  He liked to work out at the gym.  She felt he worked out at the gym too much.  He liked his car.  She felt he liked his car too much.  But at the end of the day, what she was really getting at was that he worked all the time, which made her feel abandoned.  And then, when he wanted to relax or blow off some steam, he went to the gym or worked on his car. 

I'm not sure why they broke up, but his two most recent Facebook pics were a pic of him at the gym and a meme about cars.  So, it looks like he's getting his life back.

It's amazing how wording and timing is everything with pwBPD.  I used to just send texts to my exbffBPD and not think about what I wrote.  Yeaterday, I spent 10 minutes crafting a "happy birthday" text to send to her on her birthday, which is in September.  I'm still not sure if it's good.

[ColdEthyl]

As a fellow photographer, I can feel your pain.  This has to be tough.   

My exbffBPD did this with her ex.  He liked to work out at the gym.  She felt he worked out at the gym too much.  He liked his car.  She felt he liked his car too much.  But at the end of the day, what she was really getting at was that he worked all the time, which made her feel abandoned.  And then, when he wanted to relax or blow off some steam, he went to the gym or worked on his car. 

I'm not sure why they broke up, but his two most recent Facebook pics were a pic of him at the gym and a meme about cars.  So, it looks like he's getting his life back.

It's amazing how wording and timing is everything with pwBPD.  I used to just send texts to my exbffBPD and not think about what I wrote.  Yeaterday, I spent 10 minutes crafting a "happy birthday" text to send to her on her birthday, which is in September.  I'm still not sure if it's good.

Yep it's a skill I'm still trying to master. If I could rewind time, I would have never mentioned the wishing it was the weekend bit. If I had not done that, the whole universe wouldn't have went tits up. I'm thankful the evening was salvaged, though. There have been times where the meltdowns ruined any chance of that.

[GreenGrover]

As a fellow photographer, I can feel your pain.  This has to be tough.   

My exbffBPD did this with her ex.  He liked to work out at the gym.  She felt he worked out at the gym too much.  He liked his car.  She felt he liked his car too much.  But at the end of the day, what she was really getting at was that he worked all the time, which made her feel abandoned.  And then, when he wanted to relax or blow off some steam, he went to the gym or worked on his car. 

I'm not sure why they broke up, but his two most recent Facebook pics were a pic of him at the gym and a meme about cars.  So, it looks like he's getting his life back.

It's amazing how wording and timing is everything with pwBPD.  I used to just send texts to my exbffBPD and not think about what I wrote.  Yeaterday, I spent 10 minutes crafting a "happy birthday" text to send to her on her birthday, which is in September.  I'm still not sure if it's good.

Yep it's a skill I'm still trying to master. If I could rewind time, I would have never mentioned the wishing it was the weekend bit. If I had not done that, the whole universe wouldn't have went tits up. I'm thankful the evening was salvaged, though. There have been times where the meltdowns ruined any chance of that.

Yes, it would be wonderful to rewind time.  Before my exbffBPD was diagnosed, I used to go on about fun things I was doing over the weekend.  I used to show her pictures.  Now, I know that she saw that as me not wanting to spend time with her.  But if we made plans, she canceled.  It's a battle,  and I have much respect for you, for continuing to fight that battle.

[ColdEthyl]

Yes, it would be wonderful to rewind time.  Before my exbffBPD was diagnosed, I used to go on about fun things I was doing over the weekend.  I used to show her pictures.  Now, I know that she saw that as me not wanting to spend time with her.  But if we made plans, she canceled.  It's a battle,  and I have much respect for you, for continuing to fight that battle.

I have more joy than headaches with him. He's a really smart caring, we enjoy the same music, TV, hobbies (minus this one ), and share similar viewpoints. He is my best friend and I wouldn't trade him for the world... .even if I want to pull my hair out sometimes rofl

[GreenGrover]

Yes, it would be wonderful to rewind time.  Before my exbffBPD was diagnosed, I used to go on about fun things I was doing over the weekend.  I used to show her pictures.  Now, I know that she saw that as me not wanting to spend time with her.  But if we made plans, she canceled.  It's a battle,  and I have much respect for you, for continuing to fight that battle.

I have more joy than headaches with him. He's a really smart caring, we enjoy the same music, TV, hobbies (minus this one ), and share similar viewpoints. He is my best friend and I wouldn't trade him for the world... .even if I want to pull my hair out sometimes rofl

That's what I miss the most about my exbff.  Like right now, I'm finally getting around to watching the last two seasons of True Blood.  She's the only person in my life who would care about that, but she refuses to talk to me.

Yes, she lies and manipulates and rages, but she hates herself more than she could ever hate me.  She feels abandoned by her parents (mom and stepdad), who don't live near her, but she rarely visits and turned down an offer to live with them.  I know it's really because of the shame she feels.  They had to fly out to visit her when she was in the hospital.  I had to cancel plans to visit her in the hospital.  So, she now feels like,  "They must be crazy, to visit me.  I'm a bad person."

[waverider]

Do a photographic study of angry faces...  

[Grey Kitty]

I've had my hobbies and interests attacked too. So a jealous reaction toward them seems typical.

If you hear him going off about your photography... .hear the valid emotions -- he is upset about something. And listen to the things he is complaining about, but know that more often than not it isn't valid, it isn't real, an even if it was, it is only focused on him, and is not giving your needs or desires even the slightest bit of consideration.

So go about it anyway, and know that he's going to go off about it. If you weren't doing photography, he would find something else to go off over.

[Cat Familiar]

And listen to the things he is complaining about, but know that more often than not it isn't valid, it isn't real, an even if it was, it is only focused on him, and is not giving your needs or desires even the slightest bit of consideration.

I'm learning to laugh a lot more about some of my husband's complaints (not to him, of course). The other day he was telling me how I value so many things, but not him, which is utter nonsense because I tell him many times a day how much I love and or appreciate him.

So in his list was my horses, my friends, coffee, the internet. It was like he was jealous of me enjoying my coffee! 

I'm so glad I've gotten past the resentment and can find the humor. Someone needs to do a standup act about pwBPD. The material is there--it could be hilarious to us nons.

[waverider]

I'm so glad I've gotten past the resentment and can find the humor.

You need to get to this stage... ^^ before you can genuinely say this... vvv... without reservation

I tell him many times a day how much I love and or appreciate him.

Sometimes they can pick up that you aren't quite there, despite your reassurances

[Cat Familiar]

I'm so glad I've gotten past the resentment and can find the humor.

You need to get to this stage... ^^ before you can genuinely say this... vvv... without reservation

I tell him many times a day how much I love and or appreciate him.

Sometimes they can pick up that you aren't quite there, despite your reassurances

Good point, waverider! If I'm not totally congruent, then it's an invalidation. I'll have to watch myself so that I don't automatically try to express love when I'm not totally feeling it at the moment.

[Ysabel]

My hw BPD also gets jealous and down right mean about me having interests that don't include him, unless it will make him money or save him money, then he's all in! He gets jealous of the kids, my friends, our employees, you get the picture. I try not to personalize and take the "you aren't interested in me" bait. He will even phrase questions like " is there any chance you would be interested in spending some time with me?" I have to watch myself because some days I hear myself answer ( in my head) " not even a little bit"!

[Cat Familiar]

" is there any chance you would be interested in spending some time with me?"

WOW!  My husband says those exact words!

[ColdEthyl]

I'm so glad I've gotten past the resentment and can find the humor.

You need to get to this stage... ^^ before you can genuinely say this... vvv... without reservation

I tell him many times a day how much I love and or appreciate him.

Sometimes they can pick up that you aren't quite there, despite your reassurances

I really get sick and tired of him being able to read me like a book, you know. Sometimes I feel like I cannot even have any emotions to myself because he picks them up. For an example, if I'm irritated about something I know is stupid, I'm not going to talk about it. I'm just going to work it out myself and given a bit of time I'll get over it. However, if he picks up on the irritation, it turns into him trying to decipher what he has done or said to cause it.

I love that about him... .and I hate that about him

@Catfamiliar

Good point, waverider! If I'm not totally congruent, then it's an invalidation. I'll have to watch myself so that I don't automatically try to express love when I'm not totally feeling it at the moment.

Maybe this is what I need to focus on. If I'm irritated and he picks up on it, I need to just tell him what I'm irritated about and ask for some space.

[waverider]

I'm so glad I've gotten past the resentment and can find the humor.

You need to get to this stage... ^^ before you can genuinely say this... vvv... without reservation

I tell him many times a day how much I love and or appreciate him.

Sometimes they can pick up that you aren't quite there, despite your reassurances

I really get sick and tired of him being able to read me like a book, you know. Sometimes I feel like I cannot even have any emotions to myself because he picks them up. For an example, if I'm irritated about something I know is stupid, I'm not going to talk about it. I'm just going to work it out myself and given a bit of time I'll get over it. However, if he picks up on the irritation, it turns into him trying to decipher what he has done or said to cause it.

I love that about him... .and I hate that about him

@Catfamiliar

Good point, waverider! If I'm not totally congruent, then it's an invalidation. I'll have to watch myself so that I don't automatically try to express love when I'm not totally feeling it at the moment.

Maybe this is what I need to focus on. If I'm irritated and he picks up on it, I need to just tell him what I'm irritated about and ask for some space.

If you live in constant fear of being attacked as pwBPD does, you are going to have the sensitivity setting on your radar turned to maximum, this will also pick up all the clutter and confuse the readings.

Owning your irritations and frustrations and highlighting they are your problem to deal with is good. They have to get used to the fact that you have every right to emotions too.

Not to mention biting your tongue hurts.

[ColdEthyl]

If you live in constant fear of being attacked as pwBPD does, you are going to have the sensitivity setting on your radar turned to maximum, this will also pick up all the clutter and confuse the readings.

Owning your irritations and frustrations and highlighting they are your problem to deal with is good. They have to get used to the fact that you have every right to emotions too.

Not to mention biting your tongue hurts.

Some days I'm surprised I have a tongue left to bite rofl but I digress. Since I have been on here his turnaround has been amazing. Last night, I was upset about something someone said, and it really shouldn't have bothered me but it did... .a lot. He was very sweet and listened to me and I said I know I was being stupid and I shouldn't be hurting over it like I was and he said "Hey... .what upsets us, upsets us. It's not right or wrong." In the past, my crying or being upset would automatically make him mad and dysregulate. He's not doing that nearly as much anymore.

[Cat Familiar]

Some days I'm surprised I have a tongue left to bite rofl but I digress. Since I have been on here his turnaround has been amazing. Last night, I was upset about something someone said, and it really shouldn't have bothered me but it did... .a lot. He was very sweet and listened to me and I said I know I was being stupid and I shouldn't be hurting over it like I was and he said "Hey... .what upsets us, upsets us. It's not right or wrong." In the past, my crying or being upset would automatically make him mad and dysregulate. He's not doing that nearly as much anymore.

Yay!  

[maxsterling]

My take on this:

pwBPD lack identities, lack hobbies, and instead sponge off of others.  They think in black and white.  Combine the two, and what you have is not what it seems.  The pwBPD is envious and confused that you have an interest that is something other than him/her.  To the pwBPD, it means that you don't truly love him/her.  The pwBPD doesn't understand how you can both have a hobby AND enjoy spending time with him/her.  Why?  Because pwBPD are incapable of this themselves.

My wife is the same way.  :)oesn't matter what the hobby is.  It doesn't have to be a hobby, it could be work or household chores.  If I am doing something else and she is not involved, she's upset.  The reason is that she is not self-entertaining.  I am her hobby.  I am her only interest.   Everything else she does is passing the time until I come home and spend time with her.  Last night I worked a second job.  She could have done something on her own - chores, a hobby, go to the gym or yoga, an AA meeting, read... . Instead she laid on the couch and watched TV until I came home.  And if I come home and start to do chores, she's upset.  

I really don't think this has anything to do with a hobby.  I think it is very basic - your time is not 100% devoted to him, and he is both confused and envious, and somehow that means you don't love him.