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Author Topic: pwBPD jealous of a hobby?  (Read 1300 times)
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« Reply #30 on: August 20, 2015, 01:29:52 PM »

My take on this:

pwBPD lack identities, lack hobbies, and instead sponge off of others.  They think in black and white.  Combine the two, and what you have is not what it seems.  The pwBPD is envious and confused that you have an interest that is something other than him/her.  To the pwBPD, it means that you don't truly love him/her.  The pwBPD doesn't understand how you can both have a hobby AND enjoy spending time with him/her.  Why?  Because pwBPD are incapable of this themselves.

Really good explanation, Max!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

I know my husband gets jealous of my time when I do chores or housecleaning, yet it doesn't occur to him that he could help.
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
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ColdEthyl
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« Reply #31 on: August 20, 2015, 03:45:22 PM »

Excerpt
The reason is that she is not self-entertaining.  I am her hobby.  I am her only interest.   Everything else she does is passing the time until I come home and spend time with her.

That one stuck out on me because that really is all he does. In fact, that's what he tells me he does. He just waits for me to come home. Mondays are the worst. He is sad that the weekend is over and he almost cries every Monday morning. He's looking in the right direction, though. He thought of a job he might like to do. The actual DOING of it probably won't happen for a long time if at all, but thinking about it is still more than before Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #32 on: August 20, 2015, 05:06:30 PM »

pwBPD can be jealous of your functionality, as this is something they cant achieve themselves. The more functional you are the more it highlights they are not.

Do not allow yourself to become low functioning in an attempt to soothe them.

You are correct they often only hold one interest or fad at a time, and while you are the object of it they want your interest also to be exclusive. If you are not their current fad than your attempts at connection can conversely be seen as intrusive (black and white exclusivity)
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« Reply #33 on: August 20, 2015, 05:10:41 PM »

Some days I'm surprised I have a tongue left to bite rofl but I digress. Since I have been on here his turnaround has been amazing. Last night, I was upset about something someone said, and it really shouldn't have bothered me but it did... .a lot. He was very sweet and listened to me and I said I know I was being stupid and I shouldn't be hurting over it like I was and he said "Hey... .what upsets us, upsets us. It's not right or wrong." In the past, my crying or being upset would automatically make him mad and dysregulate. He's not doing that nearly as much anymore.

Yay! Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  

That is because you diffused the blaming and so didn't trigger defensiveness. As a result you got to have your say. Surprising how phrasing something a little different can achieve a whole different result. Diplomacy at its finest

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #34 on: August 20, 2015, 05:36:13 PM »

Excerpt
The reason is that she is not self-entertaining.  I am her hobby.  I am her only interest.   Everything else she does is passing the time until I come home and spend time with her.

That one stuck out on me because that really is all he does. In fact, that's what he tells me he does. He just waits for me to come home. Mondays are the worst. He is sad that the weekend is over and he almost cries every Monday morning. He's looking in the right direction, though. He thought of a job he might like to do. The actual DOING of it probably won't happen for a long time if at all, but thinking about it is still more than before Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

By far, I think this is the one area that is behind most of my wife's emotional distress over the course of her life.  Given the freedom to do what I want, I am never, or have never been bored.  At any given moment, I can come up with more than a dozen things that I need or want to do.  And depending on the resources available, the time available, or the people present, there is always at least one thing on that list I can do.  In other words, I am never, ever dependent upon someone else to keep me from being bored.   The only times I am bored are when I am having to wait for something I have to do.   During those times, my freedom to do other things I may want or need to do is limited.  And of the things on my list, I am doing them because I either want to do them or need to do them.  Never am I doing something just to "pass the time".

My wife is the complete opposite.  I can't think of one thing she has ever done "just for fun".  Everything she does is for some ulterior motive.  If she exercises - it's to lose weight.  If she works, it's because she needs money. Other activities or hobbies are for the purpose of meeting people or passing time.  I may go to work and she will remark, "I don't know what to do with myself while you are gone."  That concept is so foreign to me!

And as a result - I think that makes my wife's happiness 100% dependent on others.  That's why her relationships fail.  That's why people are constantly disappointing her.  That's why she can't hold a job.  That's why she got into drugs.  It's funny that when I met her, I was specifically looking for someone who was independent and comfortable being alone.  It took almost 2 years for me to see what was really going on.  At first, I thought she was independent and comfortable being alone.  After all, she had travelled the world (mostly by herself) and lived abroad by herself.  I didn't recognize, however, that those actions were for the opposite reasons - that she was running away because she was bored and lonely and couldn't stand being alone. 
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« Reply #35 on: August 20, 2015, 07:13:13 PM »

Given the freedom to do what I want, I am never, or have never been bored.  At any given moment, I can come up with more than a dozen things that I need or want to do.  And depending on the resources available, the time available, or the people present, there is always at least one thing on that list I can do.  In other words, I am never, ever dependent upon someone else to keep me from being bored.   The only times I am bored are when I am having to wait for something I have to do.   :)uring those times, my freedom to do other things I may want or need to do is limited.  And of the things on my list, I am doing them because I either want to do them or need to do them.  Never am I doing something just to "pass the time".

I could have written these exact same words, Max. Yes, life is so incredibly entertaining that I don't have time to do all the interesting, fun and necessary stuff that I'd like to do.

Fortunately my husband doesn't rely upon me so frequently for his entertainment. He is constantly reading or downloading music or watching TV.

A difference between us that I've noticed is that he will label certain necessary household tasks as "WORK" and try to avoid them as much as possible.

For me, I can find fun and entertainment in all sort of "WORK" so I don't make such a separation. For example, yesterday I had a good time vacuuming spider webs from the outside of the windows and eaves. I can't imagine that he would do this and if he did, he would make it into such a drama and "poor me" scenario.
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
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« Reply #36 on: August 20, 2015, 10:20:26 PM »

The only time I am bored is when i am hanging around waiting dependent on someone else.

Its all about knowing who you are, your own identity, you are doing stuff because you want to, not because you are trying to impress someone else, or need someone else to define your needs.

My wife wont do chores at all if I am not there, as she is not doing them because she needs/wants to. If I am there she might do some, but that is being driven by the need to be seen doing them. It is about the impression on me. So they are usually the most visual that take the least effort.  With that sort of motivation the completed task cannot provide the satisfaction in a job done.
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« Reply #37 on: August 21, 2015, 01:31:02 PM »

The only time I am bored is when i am hanging around waiting dependent on someone else.

Its all about knowing who you are, your own identity, you are doing stuff because you want to, not because you are trying to impress someone else, or need someone else to define your needs.

My wife wont do chores at all if I am not there, as she is not doing them because she needs/wants to. If I am there she might do some, but that is being driven by the need to be seen doing them. It is about the impression on me. So they are usually the most visual that take the least effort.  With that sort of motivation the completed task cannot provide the satisfaction in a job done.

My husband does this, too. He will say he's going to do this or that when I'm at work, but he rarely does. I used to make a big deal out of it before i knew about BPD. I couldn't understand telling someone you will take care of something and not only NOT doing it... .but also getting upset that it was brought to your attention.

However since then, if he says he will do something and doesn't, I don't make a big deal out of it. I ask he says he didn't, and I say OK. If I want certain things done that bad I'll just do them myself. I shouldn't expect him to do something just because I want him to. When he does follow through, it's a wonderful surprise and he gets praise Smiling (click to insert in post)

Keepin' my gratitude higher than my expectations
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« Reply #38 on: August 21, 2015, 02:53:17 PM »

I see the same regarding chores, shopping, or cooking.  If I am not home, she will rarely do any.  She will save these for "stuff we need to do together."  That means, when we do spend time together, it is often running errands.  When she does do any of the above while alone, I am certain she will mention it or make a big deal out of it - "I emptied the dishwasher and folded my laundry."   And when we are together and it comes to cleaning or cooking, she will usually go on a 5-15 minute rant about how much she hates it or how frustrating it is before she settles down and actually does it.  It's much like a kid who is asked to clean his/her room - a bunch of whining and procrastinating will come before any actual work.  I really don't understand this.  Most children eventually learn that the complaining gets them nowhere, and grow out of it.  How can my wife not see that her complaining about chores gets her nowhere?
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ColdEthyl
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« Reply #39 on: August 21, 2015, 02:57:12 PM »

It all boils down to that emotional equivalency of a toddler, Max <3
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« Reply #40 on: August 21, 2015, 03:03:03 PM »

Enlightening conversation. Mine will tell me I should go do something I like to do then complain that I do not spend time with her.
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« Reply #41 on: August 22, 2015, 02:58:44 AM »

Enlightening conversation. Mine will tell me I should go do something I like to do then complain that I do not spend time with her.

Hah just had this today... .however that is her problem to deal with. Meanwhile I did something I liked to do Bullet: completed (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #42 on: August 23, 2015, 11:10:47 AM »

Hey ColdEthyl:

"it turns into him trying to decipher what he has done or said to cause it. I love that about him... .and I hate that about him Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)"

Ditto on that as well as the part about not being able to have you own emotional turmoil and keep it to yourself without the Evil Eye preying through you thoughts. I guess it's part and parcel.

On you original post of your husband being upset about the night out with the meteor viewing and filming: Do you think it might have just been as simple as you inadvertently bringing down his "high?" With him not working and you having to work it might just have made him feel a bit guilty as well because you'd be tired for work the next day.

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ColdEthyl
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« Reply #43 on: August 24, 2015, 12:50:39 PM »

Hey ColdEthyl:

"it turns into him trying to decipher what he has done or said to cause it. I love that about him... .and I hate that about him Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)"

Ditto on that as well as the part about not being able to have you own emotional turmoil and keep it to yourself without the Evil Eye preying through you thoughts. I guess it's part and parcel.

On you original post of your husband being upset about the night out with the meteor viewing and filming: Do you think it might have just been as simple as you inadvertently bringing down his "high?" With him not working and you having to work it might just have made him feel a bit guilty as well because you'd be tired for work the next day.

Uhh... .no. No I did NOT think of that but that very well could be. It's the biggest thing he beats himself up about. He WOULD also put that guilt on himself about me being tired even though he doesn't have anything to do with it, and I wasn't complaining but thinking out loud. /sigh

Good catch on that one!
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