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Author Topic: Can it be fixed?  (Read 487 times)
jjduo

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« on: August 13, 2015, 03:33:36 PM »

 I have known her for 15 years platonically but had no idea what I was getting into when we started a romance. I didn't even know what BPD was. She is very high functioning in executive concerns but has so many of the traits of BPD that it's clear to me that's what we are up against. We have talked about the possibility that she has this disorder but she denies that she could ever be diagnosed. Her mother had similar issues as well as her sister, but were never diagnosed, and yet she thinks that she has escaped. We have been to some couples counseling and it helps a little but not significantly enough to make it work for me.

We have been estranged for a little over 4 months after 15 months of romance. I can't seem to let go of her emotionally. One of the problems is that by circumstance we end up in the same room together almost weekly. Unfortunately she pretends I don't exist and that makes it even more difficult for me. It's like she's a ghost haunting me! LOL!

I admit to being part of the problem because she seems to push my buttons so effectively and I have so far, many times, been unable to field insults without becoming over reactionary myself. She very frequently asks me what my part of our drama is but it's my  belief that, although I may not help the situation sometimes because of inappropriate reactions to things she says to me, our problems are mostly precipitated by her behavior.

So, I guess the question to the community is, do you suppose there's any chance this could be put back together? It is my hunch that until she admits that she has BPD and genuinely feels that it's a primary problem for us as a partnership; and she decides partnerships are important enough to her, then even with counseling the relationship can't be made to work. By the way, the counseling we have done has just been with general couples counselors and not specialist in BPD.

Your feedback would be greatly appreciated. jjduo

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« Reply #1 on: August 13, 2015, 05:54:07 PM »

Welcome

It can be frustrating dealing with a pwBPD regardless of relationship status. Denial is a huge barrier. However, trying to directly challenge that barrier creates an even bigger drama.

Could the relationship be resurrected? Who can say, but first you have to diffuse conflict, so that you are on the same side. This is difficult with pwBPD due to their all or nothing trait. In their mind if you believe they have a flaw in an area they do not then you are "the enemy".

Take a look through these links

LINKS

You will see it is more about diffusing the effect her behavior has on you in order to create an environment whereby she can't handball responsibility for consequences onto you. Diagnosis is not the immediate fix that many think it is. In fact the consequences are often escalation at least in the first instance.

Waverider
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« Reply #2 on: August 13, 2015, 06:04:25 PM »

Welcome!  

I think your hunch is mostly right. There are a lot of people here who have kind of decent relationships with partners who don't acknowledge they have BPD. But my impression (from reading here and from personal experience in a relatively good BPD relationship) is that it's still not like the kind of relationship we all used to hope for. It's a lot of work for the non-BPD partner to hold things together, and the non-BPD partner usually can't expect much from their partner emotionally. Read through some of the threads here, even the "Success Stories" thread, and you'll see what I mean.

The only way to come close to "curing" BPD, so that the person can behave the way a healthy person would in a relationship, is a particular kind of therapy called DBT. People don't usually stumble into DBT unless they've been diagnosed with BPD or a therapist has recognized the signs and steered them toward DBT.

And it's pretty unlikely that a therapist will see the signs and get her into DBT if she's generally high functioning. In my experience it's really easy for a person with BPD to hide the real problems from a therapist or couples' counselor, unless the counselor is very savvy with BPD.
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jjduo

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« Reply #3 on: August 20, 2015, 07:22:02 AM »

Thanks waverider and thisagain.

I've been reading the recommended links and learning what I'm up against with my five month NC relationship with udhfBPDxgf. It's bringing me closer to a real understanding of what would be involved should I try again to have a life with her.

I'm interested to get an idea of what she might be going through in her process of this episode. I'm sure each case is different but is there a typical way that BP's deal with the break up of a relationship? Do they spend hours and hours thinking, grieving, angry, wishing for the "old days" of a relationship (as I do!), or is it a total acceptance of the situation, a FU Charlie and it's on to the next one?

Any insight would be appreciated.

Invaluable resource here! jjduo
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« Reply #4 on: August 20, 2015, 08:41:25 AM »



Welcome

I want to join Waverider and thisagain in welcoming you.  Keep reading lessons... .asking questions about what you are reading.


  Do they spend hours and hours thinking, grieving, angry, wishing for the "old days" of a relationship (as I do!), or is it a total acceptance of the situation, a FU Charlie and it's on to the next one?

The possibilities are endless... .this is a rabbit trail you don't want to chase... .

Much better use of your time to focus on your thinking... .and your reactions (or in many cases... .lack of a reaction to provocation)

FF

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« Reply #5 on: August 21, 2015, 08:26:45 PM »

"The possibilities are endless... .this is a rabbit trail you don't want to chase"

Is what you mean here that no data has been collected or is it that the data shows no conclusive pattern of how folks with BPD feel after a relationship has ended? jjduo
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« Reply #6 on: August 21, 2015, 08:52:15 PM »

I know it's so tempting to wonder or try to find out how your ex feels about your breakup! Especially when you're hoping to reconcile. The problem with a BPD breakup is that the way they feel about anything can change 50 times in a day. And they might not even be sure how they feel. They react to the visceral emotional state but they might not even be able to explain how they feel in words.

But I think it could be worthwhile for you to hang around here anyways, because the lessons here will benefit you in any relationship. There have definitely been times lately that I've applied the lessons on validation and SET with non-partner, non-BPD people. Everyone wants to be heard Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #7 on: August 21, 2015, 10:04:08 PM »

"The possibilities are endless... .this is a rabbit trail you don't want to chase"

Is what you mean here that no data has been collected or is it that the data shows no conclusive pattern of how folks with BPD feel after a relationship has ended? jjduo

Great question... .so... this is just my opinion... .to be clear... no scientific data.

BPD is a spectrum disorder... .high to low functioning... .waif to queen (honestly I think it's almost too broad)  So... reactions to breakups are all over the place.  Plus... through in people with other "co-morbid" issues... .whew... all over the place.

So... .any answers we (I) would give here... .are very general.

The best predictor... .is how the previous BPD breakups and recycles have been with that person.

If you are on the first breakup... .put on your helmet... .tighten up your harness... .  Congratulations... you've just become a test pilot... .

Best to focus on how your actions and words might affect their feelings... .rather than figuring out what exactly they are feeling. 

Rule number 1 if you want them back... .DON'T CHASE... .  push pull will go haywire...

I hope this helps... .

Keep questions coming... .

Last: When I say things like "don't go down that rabbit hole... "... .that is another way of saying... .there is a better place to spend your energy... .

FF
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« Reply #8 on: August 22, 2015, 05:45:54 PM »

She's had many breakups. Usually she never talks to the former partners again or at least as little as possible. She claims, however, that no one has ever been willing to "do the work with her". Remember that she insists she would never be diagnosed with BPD. That may be the case for she is very high functioning but her symptoms are textbook for BPD as is her family history. I admit to being part of the problem because my responses to her have in the past not always been appropriate. So the question remains whether if I submit myself to be a "test pilot", ie be the first one to ever make a serious attempt at doing the work with her, what's the likelihood of success? I'm not entirely sure I'm strong enough to do it but I'm contemplating making an attempt. I'm sure I would learn a lot about myself and my relations with others in general, and I already have learned a lot from reading the material on this site as well as material from other sources.

jjduo
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« Reply #9 on: August 22, 2015, 06:01:26 PM »

She's had many breakups. Usually she never talks to the former partners again or at least as little as possible. She claims, however, that no one has ever been willing to "do the work with her". Remember that she insists she would never be diagnosed with BPD. That may be the case for she is very high functioning but her symptoms are textbook for BPD as is her family history. I admit to being part of the problem because my responses to her have in the past not always been appropriate. So the question remains whether if I submit myself to be a "test pilot", ie be the first one to ever make a serious attempt at doing the work with her, what's the likelihood of success? I'm not entirely sure I'm strong enough to do it but I'm contemplating making an attempt. I'm sure I would learn a lot about myself and my relations with others in general, and I already have learned a lot from reading the material on this site as well as material from other sources.

jjduo

A lot depends on how much you are willing to adapt and change you in order to protect yourself and your identity in order to thrive and not just survive.

Do not go into this thinking with a bit of study and understanding you can fix her issues, you wont, especially if she is high functioning. You will be choosing to live in the lee of an active volcano. It may be fertile but you have to always be aware of where you are and the need to take the necessary precautions, strong nerves and a good constitution.

I'm sure I would learn a lot about myself and my relations with others in general, and I already have learned a lot from reading the material on this site as well as material from other sources.

This is one of the biggest pay offs when you put some serious work into this, most of us are changed people, and for the better
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« Reply #10 on: August 23, 2015, 01:50:39 AM »

It can be improved and YOU can certainly be helped to function well. Less guarantees about the other party but so often on here the BPs seem to be made secure by our newfound confidence. It's what they've been wanting all along. Structure in the relationship.
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« Reply #11 on: August 23, 2015, 03:37:39 AM »

Structure in the relationship.

This is important, consistency and structure. The two things they often lack themselves. It is your role to bring this to the table... otherwise all you have confusing and reactive chaos.
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« Reply #12 on: August 23, 2015, 06:54:29 AM »

It may be fertile but you have to always be aware of where you are and the need to take the necessary precautions, strong nerves and a good constitution.

And... .realize that there are some things that can trigger the volcano  (and stay away from those... .without feeling controlled)

So... .things have been much better in last few months in my r/s... .there have been times when I have thought "I have this  thing licked... "  Stuff like that relaxes me and gets me off my game... .here is a quick story...

Something about "ahh nold" came up on the internet.  My wife and I were snuggling on the couch... .I was relaxed... .personally... .I think the guy is a dumba$$ for having a kid with his housekeeper... .so... .I chuckle about it... .make some light comments"  (zero thought that I was in a minefield)  Well... .the banter keeps going between my wife and I.  Doubtful I came across as pro Arnold... but I certainly was chuckling at his misfortune (or... was a laughing about the deception he pulled off)

Backstory:  My wife's "core" issue seems to be paranoia.  She has believed in the past I had secret marriages... .secrete families to include kids I had fathered... .etc etc.

Well... .light flipping a light switch... .she is pissed... .wants me to tell her why a guy would do that... .why a guy would trick his family... .put his wife in that position.  However... .I can tell she is not talking about Arnold... .she is talking about me.

Well... after my internal monologue cussed myself out (also a good way to slow things down... _  I started some deflective answers... .some vague contemplative answers... .with long periods of silence... .

"Who knows the internal pain that someone carries?"  Also sort of jumped on the bandwagon about the bad situation Maria was is... how that must have made her feel (we should start a thread here on validation by proxy... )

Well... .in 10 minutes or so I was pretty sure I was out of danger.  About 30 minutes after the volcano blew... .we were talking about big Arnold movies. 

Couple hours later we watched "Conan the Barbarian" together ( a very impactful movie in my childhood... I might add)

Anyway... .I knew/know better than to discuss cheating celebs (or any kind of cheating)... .I thought it was behind me.

In some form or fashion... .it will always be there... .

It is... what it is... .

Not quite as bad as being crucified on the Tree of Woe... .

FF
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« Reply #13 on: August 23, 2015, 07:21:50 AM »

I like this story, I too have seen similar triggers arise out of parallels in the lives of others. Even fictional movie scripts.

You also have to be careful discussing hypotheticals, except it is only you who is taking them as hypothetical whereas your partner doesn't differentiate between hypothetical and real
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« Reply #14 on: August 23, 2015, 08:04:27 AM »

I like this story, I too have seen similar triggers arise out of parallels in the lives of others. Even fictional movie scripts.

You also have to be careful discussing hypotheticals, except it is only you who is taking them as hypothetical whereas your partner doesn't differentiate between hypothetical and real

The "pre-bpdfamily" FF would have argued... .convinced her that she was wrong... .tried to wear her out with arguing... .

Bad... .bad... .bad... results... .

I also used to do "quizzes" ( from women's magazines) with her... .no more... .thats another minefield.

My wife still gets mad at something on TV... or in a movie... . Since I don't engage on it anymore... .it blows through pretty quick... .

Waverider,

Was it you that described it as a thunderstorm... .full of energy and bluster... .and... like a thunderstorm ... it would pass.

Anyway... .I kinda remember reading that early on... .it helped get my mind in the right place.

FF

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« Reply #15 on: August 23, 2015, 10:18:57 AM »

My partner also likes to project and rail against the TV, especially when it reminds her of herself ("she's so ugly!" or what she's afraid I'll do ("how could she leave the show? I hate her!".

FF, your example stories are so helpful! Thanks so much for sharing. I've been using variations of the "hand squeeze" when my partner is getting worked up and I'm out of ideas for a validating response. Generally within half an hour she's gotten herself under control and says she feels much better and I'm such a good listener. 
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« Reply #16 on: August 23, 2015, 04:36:56 PM »

Waverider,

Was it you that described it as a thunderstorm... .full of energy and bluster... .and... like a thunderstorm ... it would pass.


I think i used the Hurricane analogy, no point standing outside trying to hold everything down, better stay in a safe place and if there is any damage fix it up after its blown over.

If you live in a hurricane zone you learn not to leave potential projectiles lying around. =Situational awareness.
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« Reply #17 on: August 23, 2015, 07:52:18 PM »

but so often on here the BPs seem to be made secure by our newfound confidence. It's what they've been wanting all along. Structure in the relationship.

Very interesting and good point.

I suspect their personal security is a big issue. There have been several instances where my ncudhfBLPxgf has "bailed out" (my term) of situations where she has been away from home and has needed to remove herself from a situation presumable because it was too intense for her to handle. She was visiting her son, daughter in-law and grandson at their house, too far to just get in her car and drive home, and she and the d.i.l. got into a tiff so what did my ncudhfBLPxgf do? She found a hostile in town and went to stay there instead of with her son! She did the same thing with me one time when visiting me at my winter residence. She flew in, it was ok for a day, but then we had a tiff (which if I had know what I was doing I could have easily diffused) and she came right home from our evening, got on the Net and found a hostile in town and was gone the next day even though her flight back wasn't for two more days! I pleaded with her "I wish you wouldn't do this" (in retrospect I should have gotten down on my knees and said "I love you, please don't go". Do you suppose that would have been more convincing?). I bet that if she had been in a more familiar and comfortable environment, her own space, this wouldn't have happened. I suppose she was too uncomfortable not being in complete control and the only way she knew how to cope with the situation was to take action to allow HER to be in complete control. This situation creates a challenge for those that enjoy traveling with their partners. We tried traveling together once and we had almost continuous contention. I've never had a more difficult time traveling with my partner. Is it that they are not able to handle being not 100% in control?

Good story FF. A question for you. How often do need to go into "damage control" mode? Is is every day? Several times a day? Once a week? I'm sure every relationship is different but I'm curious what your experience is?

Thanks all, jjduo
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« Reply #18 on: August 24, 2015, 08:27:57 PM »

Good story FF. A question for you. How often do need to go into "damage control" mode? Is is every day? Several times a day? Once a week? I'm sure every relationship is different but I'm curious what your experience is?

My guess is that I average 4-5 "serious" damage control things per month (for last 2-3 months... before that ... more)... .stuff where I think the situation is teetering on a full scale dysreg... .or could teeter the other way to be a "baah humbug" rant... .and then fizzle.

Most of the times when I "figure out" that something serious has come up... I'm tired... .or really have my mind on something else... .basically... for some reason I am not paying attention.  Here level of intensity then catches my attention and my "oh $h*t" meter goes off.  In Navy terms... .we sound general quarters and get ready for action and damage control.

I would say there are daily interactions that pose a threat... .but I give them a nudge in the right direction... .OR DON'T PICKUP THE BAIT!  

A quick story (probably not long enough for popcorn!   )

We end up having a couple hours in the car together.  She is reading her phone... .probably facebook... .and starts harumphing about Josh Duggar and the Ashley Madison scandal.

When I'm driving with her... .especially when I am driving... .I'm ready... .paying attention (there have been bad car things in the past).  Anyway... .I tried to agree and validate how bad that is... .how the woman must feel.

Gently I tried to find other topics.  She kept coming back to the Duggar thing... .kept saying (reminding me) what she would do if that were done to her (don't pick up bait FF)... .it eventually blew itself out and no projectiles hit me.

Is the night over... .nope... .you just turn the page to a new chapter... .and kept seeing if a reaction can be had.

She mentioned once or twice about our oldest daughter being hit on (she is 18... .drop dead gorgeous... .)... .

Then she mentions that she was hit on (watch out FF... .she is laying out a minefield)... .

In one of my more genius responses I quipped "guy has good taste... ."... .

She got really happy... . I had been trying to do the hand squeeze and touch thing to calm her... .(wasn't working).

Anyway... .she relaxed... .leaned back and went to sleep.  

I congratulated myself on being a genius and enjoyed some quiet drive time... .

I guess story time is over for a while... .!  Thanks for asking.

FF
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« Reply #19 on: August 25, 2015, 11:46:25 AM »

Wow FF, I laughed out loud when I read your story! it almost seems that you treat this as a game of wits, which is a good thing I would guess, then you don't take it too seriously. The game is to anticipate what's going to happen, what she is going to say (or what bate she has tossed out), and then it's your move and you make your calculated responses in attempts to get to the other side unscathed! It sounds like you are watching for this continuously all day everyday and you are successful enough at your vigil so that there are no more than 1 blow-up a week. That must get rather tiring after a while. It makes me tired just thinking about it! You are a strong and wise man!

Thanks for the great story and insight, jjduo
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« Reply #20 on: August 25, 2015, 02:04:40 PM »

There is a danger though of getting into the mindset that your partner is a subversive terrorist and that you always need to be on alert for an attack and be ready to outsmart them.

This can easily lead to a superior controlling mentality, where the goal is still to win a contest of wits. Eventually they get smart to this and start to feel like a manipulated loser, fuelling the next contest... .Everybody needs a win sometimes, even pwBPD.

You win some, you lose some, thats the normal ebb and flow of life. The important thing is to take the combative element out of life and prevent the waves from breaking. Win gently, and lose gently, and no permanent erosion occurs.
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« Reply #21 on: August 25, 2015, 03:27:31 PM »

Thanks so much, FF, for your honest and complete descriptions of life with a pwBPD.  Your example is reassuring to me that these situations can be managed, even managed with grace and a sense of humor. However, it is also indicative of the general high vigilance which can result from living with a pwBPD, or for that matter, anyone with unpredictable traits.

I agree with waverider that its not good to make it seem like a cold war or anti-terrorist vigil--there is love and good times also.  However, I think the thing that moved me the most is FF's description of the mental work some non-BPD's do out of habit, as a way of managing the situation.  My wife is often asking me why I feel so tired or worn out talking with her, when we haven't had a fight or meltdown for several days.  I think FF and other non's know why.
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« Reply #22 on: August 25, 2015, 04:21:48 PM »

 

This "trick" works for me...

I try to focus on controlling the impact of behavior... .and not the person.

Because... .I really don't like to be micromanaged... .or managed at all by someone else (those that remember my SAHD housework drama  can attest to that)

I also don't like to manage others... .when I don't have to.

I'm this way at work... .and at home.

I adapted this from the Christian perspective of "love the sinner... hate the sin".

Anyway... .it works for me... .

My "on guard" stuff is really situationally dependent.  I still have some past triggers (bad... .bad things in cars... where I felt trapped)... .that put me extra on guard there. 

Going on walks is virtually bulletproof.  I feel like I can talk freely... .we have a good time... .

So... I really don't think I'm always on guard... .it's more situational.  Or... .I pick up on something and raise shields and go to yellow alert quickly... .until danger passes.

FF

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« Reply #23 on: September 02, 2015, 07:09:03 PM »

Just read Alan Fruzzetti's Hi Conflict Couples book. Wow, if a couple can keep to that plan there is bound to be better harmony in the relationship! It seems that the book was written primarily for the nonBP that is in a relationship with a BP. Would a pwBP be able to read the book and get anything out of it?

Is it possible for a pwBPD to be able to be logical enough to recognize the long term benefit and be focused enough to make it through those exercises without their spurious often illogical emotional mind short circuiting the process? Surely I don't understand how the BP mind works (and I get the idea that no one knows) but if they are hyper defensive and often have illogical thoughts it might be very difficult for them to affect these methods with a partner, especially if they are split BLACK. I would think one needs to be sure they are WHITE before attempting any of these exercises.

I just sent the book to my uBPDxgf. I hope that wasn't a mistake! She is high functioning so maybe she will read it and get something out of it even though WE won't be doing it together! If it helps her with the next one it will have been worth the effort!

Any thoughts? jjduo
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« Reply #24 on: September 02, 2015, 07:44:56 PM »

Just read Alan Fruzzetti's Hi Conflict Couples book. Wow, if a couple can keep to that plan there is bound to be better harmony in the relationship! It seems that the book was written primarily for the nonBP that is in a relationship with a BP. Would a pwBP be able to read the book and get anything out of it?

Is it possible for a pwBPD to be able to be logical enough to recognize the long term benefit and be focused enough to make it through those exercises without their spurious often illogical emotional mind short circuiting the process? Surely I don't understand how the BP mind works (and I get the idea that no one knows) but if they are hyper defensive and often have illogical thoughts it might be very difficult for them to affect these methods with a partner, especially if they are split BLACK. I would think one needs to be sure they are WHITE before attempting any of these exercises.

I just sent the book to my uBPDxgf. I hope that wasn't a mistake! She is high functioning so maybe she will read it and get something out of it even though WE won't be doing it together! If it helps her with the next one it will have been worth the effort!

Any thoughts? jjduo

More likely the would take it as an accusation that they are flawed and to blame, which triggers auto defense. Long term consequences are just pipedreams to a a pwBPD. Winning todays impulse, or need, is far more important.

Even if they are open to their part in the dynamics it can just undermine their self esteem as they know they can follow structure like this.

Concepts like this need to be weaned into slowly over extensive therapy. Not like a sledgehammer in one volume such as this.

These books are mainly beneficial to us so that we can identify the dynamics, and minimize our contribution
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« Reply #25 on: September 05, 2015, 11:34:38 AM »

I had an aha moment a couple days ago. It has been said by members of this group that the silent treatment is akin to verbal abuse. My BPxgf pretends I don't exist when we see each other which unfortunately we must do about once a week. I always get very upset when I see her. The thought occurred to me that this may be a natural biological response in anticipation of the pending verbal, or nonverbal as it were, abuse and preparation for a fight.

jjduo
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« Reply #26 on: January 20, 2016, 08:32:01 PM »

It's been a while since I posted in this thread and I thought I would bring it to a conclusion... .as there finally is a conclusion! After gaining considerable insight by reading some books on the subject and reading a lot of material on this site I decided to try again. I used the idea of radical acceptance that was recommended in Alan Fruzzetti's work. I did a pretty good job of accepting her the way she was, insults and all, without reacting. We had two and a half months of a fairly trouble free relationship, a record for us for sure.

As the months wore on things did seem to be getting slowly a little testy and then one day I was feeling tired and anxious about taking delivery of a new vehicle, getting a bunch of cash on a Saturday, getting to the delivery appointment on time, etc. Then when she kicked my "new" car to get some mud off her feet before she got in to go for a little ride I rather rudely, I'm sorry to say, said "don't kick my car". We hadn't driven a mile when the VOLCANO blew! She said something had to change and she wasn't going to keep doing the same thing with me. "You have ruined my precious day" she said.

Two days later on the phone she sounded very positive about us; said that our drama the previous weekend was just a little "tweak" and that we had a good foundation with which to work on our relationship.

But then when I saw her the next weekend as soon as I arrived at her house she laid on me an uncompromising manipulative power play the likes I had never yet seen from her. "Until you produce for me a plan to fix your part of this conflict I am keeping my distance from you". This meant she was withdrawing both emotionally and physically from the relationship. For the next two weeks it was the cold shoulder and she wouldn't let me sleep in the same bed with her and sex was out of the question, of course! We live an hour and a half drive from each other so this meant unless I wanted to sleep in the guest room (which I declined) we were relegated to an afternoon visit a week at best! I put together a summary of our significant dramas covering the almost two years of our relationship and assured her that I did indeed have a part in our conflicts. I did not want to present this to her (for fear of starting our typical circular arguments) unless we had a counselor moderate the procedure but she wouldn't budge on the power trip and our counselor couldn't see us for three weeks.

It was at this point that I lost all hope that we would ever have the kind of relationship that I want. The last time I saw her (well, we did agree to sit with a counselor for a final official ending of the relationship) I told her I loved her but that we were just too far apart to have it work for me. With this power trip, all the insults, explosive blow ups when ever she was questioned about anything etc. it was clear I was done.

It may sound like I'm being cruel but a good description of her behaviour is: Needy, critical, defensive, controlling, angry, impatient, and has no empathy. When ever I ask for validation by explaining that something she has said to me might be just a little offensive to me her reply is "it's all about you isn't it".  It's too bad it couldn't work because when it was good, it was fantastic!

Thanks to all of you for keeping up this group. You have been a great help to me understanding and dealing with my ex girlfriend with high functioning BPD behavior.

jjduo
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« Reply #27 on: January 21, 2016, 05:55:07 AM »

Don't be shocked if you standing firm is actually what she wants or needs.  Great job not capitulating.

Hang in there.

FF
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« Reply #28 on: January 21, 2016, 04:31:51 PM »

A success story is reaching a place that you are clear about and sits ok with you. Success for you is not based on whether a relationship survives or fails.

Getting out of that go nowhere state of hopelessness is the underlying goal of this forum.

Understanding takes away a lot of the bitterness that otherwise lingers.

As FF points out dont be surprised if she isn't done yet. Black and white decisiveness, which you are now capable of, is a language a pwBPD understands.
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