Trying again...

[janey62]

After 7 months apart we tried again a couple of weeks ago.  My bf with dBPD has been working hard on himself in the meantime, doing mindfulness, cbt and having counselling, and really wanted to show me how far he's come.  I love him and missed him and like him as a person so, with some trepidation I decided to give it a chance. 

Someone professional  had told him that he doesn't have BPD, but has an anxiety disorder.  Not helpful. 

We managed two weekends before he/we fell apart and he walked out then got drunk and eventually came back and cried and then left the next day, all over what seemed like nothing to me, but to him it was huge. 

I know there are no easy answers, but he really wants to try and so do I.  I am as sick as he is in a way because as soon as he turns on me angrily I crumple, react, lose my ability to reason. I think it goes back to foo stuff.  I don't know how or what to change in me, even if I could.  Doesn't feel very hopeful. He can get better out of the relationship but it all comes rushing back as soon as we're together again. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[turbo squash]

Are you seeing your own therapist?

Have you thought about whether or not you are capable of being what someone with BPD needs?

The first thing that stuck out to me is where you said:

as soon as he turns on me angrily I crumple, react, lose my ability to reason

If there is anything that I have learned through all of this, it is that staying calm, not reacting, and thinking through every action I take is incredibly important if I want to have a life with my wife. We have been separated for a little over two months now, but she has been trying to come back. Just two days ago, she invited me to come over and hang out. The whole day went well and we chatted back and forth. Towards the end of the day, less than 3 hours before we were supposed to meet, I reacted to something in a completely normal and human way. I would even say that I reacted better than the majority of people would act in a similar situation. However, that tiny reaction hurt her feelings and she said that she didn't want to hang out with me that night after all.

I did not yell, I did not accuse her of anything, and I didn't call her any names. I had a 45 second phone call with her about a matter and I merely sounded suspicious to her... .and that hurt her feelings and she withdrew. That sucked. I was disappointed. I was really looking forward to spending time with her.

However, I have learned that ALWAYS remaining calm and letting her come to me is the only way that she does come to me. If I chase her, if I get upset, if I react, she just runs further away.

Lastly, it sounds like he has been working hard on himself like you said. What have you been doing to work on yourself?

[janey62]

No, turbo, I don't think I have what it takes, which is why we were apart with no contact for 7 months.  The trouble is though that I don't have what it takes to stay away either... .He managed to get through my blocks on my phone, somehow, and I caved because I'm weak and because in spite of his BPD he is a lovely person and even though I know its probably a BPD trick, he feels like my soul mate. 

His working on himself was really not very effective and what he basically did was find someone who wasn't skilled enough to identify or treat his BPD, but who told him he had been mislabelled with it and said he probably is just anxious. 

I am a counsellor, albeit a drug & alcohol counsellor, and have had millions of hours of therapy, though nothing really prepared me for life with a person with BPD.  I have tried all the tactics, just get it wrong sometimes and he's gone, for weeks or months.  Or he pushes me and pushes me and then I make him go.

I know in my mind that it's too hard, that I'm too sensitive, that I believe the fairy tales he spins and then am crushed when it falls apart and really should be more realistic, but in my heart I am in love and can't bear to see him suffer.  He is relatively high functioning, was a police officer for 20 years and did a good job, was commended on retirement and never a complaint against him, but close emotional relationships are very difficult.

If there is a way I want to find it.  He says he will do whatever he has to, and so will I.  So maybe more therapy it is for me, and more for him too. 

I won't give up everything again, home, job, friends.  I have a place where I am secure now and so have a foundation to work from.  Last time I got swept away by his powerful fantasy fairy tale world, which was a bit like Oz when we got there! 

I'm kind of using this board/page to think things through, try to make some sense of it all.  Thanks for your input.  I appreciate it.

And thanks for identifying.  Your situation sounds tricky too.  Did you work it out with her?  Its like trying to tame a terrified irrational horse!  Often getting trampled in the process... .

[turbo squash]

No, turbo, I don't think I have what it takes, which is why we were apart with no contact for 7 months.  The trouble is though that I don't have what it takes to stay away either... .He managed to get through my blocks on my phone, somehow, and I caved because I'm weak and because in spite of his BPD he is a lovely person and even though I know its probably a BPD trick, he feels like my soul mate.  

If you don't have what it takes to be what he needs, how can both of you be happy together?

EDIT: I feel for you a lot being in this situation. I love my wife so much but I have often wondered and worried about whether or not I will have what it takes. This isn't easy.

I will also say that while I know that you have a very strong connection to him, have you considered the possibility that there are other people out there that could make you happy? I ask this because coming to terms with myself and realizing that I am good guy and capable of loving and being loved by another helped me to not sacrifice my boundaries to try and make my marriage work. If you feel like this one person is the only one for you, you're much more likely to do things you aren't okay with to try to save it. On the other hand, if you realize that other people can love you and you can love other people, it can make it easier to maintain your own boundaries.

^^That has worked for me, but it may not work for everybody. I hope it helps.

but in my heart I am in love and can't bear to see him suffer.  He is relatively high functioning

I know how you feel. I am still in love with my wife. I hate to see her sad. I have come to realize though that if she won't be what I need her to be for me, then I will just make myself more miserable by staying with her.

If there is a way I want to find it.  He says he will do whatever he has to, and so will I.  So maybe more therapy it is for me, and more for him too.  

I won't give up everything again, home, job, friends.  I have a place where I am secure now and so have a foundation to work from.

I'm kind of using this board/page to think things through, try to make some sense of it all.  Thanks for your input.  I appreciate it.

It seems like you are in a good position to rationally think through everything and identify issues that you may have and issues that he may have. I would encourage you to continue with the therapy. I am an intelligent person that has learned a lot about BPD but I can still miss things because my feelings keep me from being objective.

And thanks for identifying.  Your situation sounds tricky too.  :)id you work it out with her?  Its like trying to tame a terrified irrational horse!  Often getting trampled in the process... .

We have not worked things out yet. I will know one way or another within the next couple of weeks though which is nice.

It is definitely tough to handle. Have you tried looking into any relaxation/anxiety reducing techniques? I used to have an unpleasant temper but I have been able to reduce my anger and my reactions by learning anxiety reducing techniques.