Stressful times

[Depression = 72% of members]

Honestly I don't know how to explain the craziness that has entered my world. Boundaries are a word that doesn't exist.

The thing is throughout this whole debacle I am still painted a pale grey tending to white.

It's about our builder. I have mentioned in other posts that we are building another house on our property that will be for sale. I have also mentioned that BPD SO hates the builder and has become obsessed with him and his work. It is finished but nothing is up to standard according to him.There are some things that need fixing but they are really in the realm of a bit of paint here, door latches that need replacing all things the builder will do.

SO has taken to texting and emailing the builder with ever increasing demands, threats and put downs. He is doing this at night after drinking heavily without my knowledge. I feel the outcome will be that the builder will just increase his final invoice to cover things we had been 'given' in good faith and I will end up paying more for SO's obsession and delusions.

He also emailed our lawyer (at night while drunk) and mentioned about the builder. Not that the lawyer would care unless we take action but it scares me as it is a small town and everyone knows everyone.

He is venting because he "feels" disrespected. He feels disrespected about anyone and anything.

He keeps shouting at me about the situation. Not at "me" but about the builder. He is totally obsessed. I do walk away or change the subject but he is relentless

I guess he will calm down eventually but a lot of damage will have been done.


Thanks for listening. It sure helps being able to "talk" to someone

[townhouse]

Honestly I don't know how to explain the craziness that has entered my world. Boundaries are a word that doesn't exist.

The thing is throughout this whole debacle I am still painted a pale grey tending to white.

It's about our builder. I have mentioned in other posts that we are building another house on our property that will be for sale. I have also mentioned that BPD SO hates the builder and has become obsessed with him and his work. It is finished but nothing is up to standard according to him.There are some things that need fixing but they are really in the realm of a bit of paint here, door latches that need replacing all things the builder will do.

SO has taken to texting and emailing the builder with ever increasing demands, threats and put downs. He is doing this at night after drinking heavily without my knowledge. I feel the outcome will be that the builder will just increase his final invoice to cover things we had been 'given' in good faith and I will end up paying more for SO's obsession and delusions.

He also emailed our lawyer (at night while drunk) and mentioned about the builder. Not that the lawyer would care unless we take action but it scares me as it is a small town and everyone knows everyone.

He is venting because he "feels" disrespected. He feels disrespected about anyone and anything.

He keeps shouting at me about the situation. Not at "me" but about the builder. He is totally obsessed. I do walk away or change the subject but he is relentless

I guess he will calm down eventually but a lot of damage will have been done.


Thanks for listening. It sure helps being able to "talk" to someone

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

I'm sorry you're having to deal with the aftermath of your SO's meltdowns. I know how stressful building projects are, having gone through the process several times. And to have to smooth over bad feelings is really yucky.

My husband also gets obsessed with these sorts of issues that start overtaking his thoughts. His current one is that the neighbors are using way too much water. We're on a well with rural property and he's afraid they're using up the shared aquifer--California drought! Yes, they're not conserving water, and there's nothing we can do about it, but he is planning on talking with them. Yikes.

I don't know what you can do, other than have your own relationship with the builder and maybe apologize for your SO's inappropriateness. I've had to play the good cop/bad cop routine with contractors--not fun.

[townhouse]

Oh Cat , sounds like that's going to be a difficult one about the neighbours using too much water.

Good cop bad cop, exactly and thanks for mentioning it. That's why this forum is so good because you realise someone's done this before. Having to apologise for things partner has done in the past has grated on me, I feel disloyal... .then you Cat, mention it and suddenly the sting has gone out of it... .it's what other's have done, it's what we as Nons have to sometimes do.

I hope things quieten down. Last night was really over the top. He mentioned that if he had to speak to the builder he was going to take a knife with him. Where did this come from? He's never shown any signs of violence. Also another thing that I hesitate to mention because I hate how it reflects on my standards but as I said, last night, things I hadn't seen before were done and said.

I had been given the final invoice for the build which the amount was not unexpected. It set off SO in that he said builder was taking the p... .out of us. He then proceeded to urinate on the invoice and stuck it on the front door of the new house. I took it off early this morning.

Kind of funny but not.

[townhouse]

I was afraid this would happen.

I am becoming dark grey right now.

After him totally obsessing for a week, talking about nothing else, now I am not to mention anything about the house at all. He acts furious with me because I said many of his "repairs" had been resolved.

I am quite fed up and would leave for a couple of days but I dare not.

[babyducks]

Hi townhouse,

It sounds like it's raining and pouring.

Building, Venting, Drinking, and Shouting = headache.

Thanks for listening. It sure helps being able to "talk" to someone

Sure thing.  Always willing to listen, I've done a few 'I need to vent' posts myself lately.   Did you want to strategize a way to handle this if he continues to escalate, or does this feel like a ride it out kind of thing?

'ducks

[waverider]

At times it is hard to stick to the thought that these are is issues along with the consequences.

Unfortunately trying to buffer them puts you in the firing line.

[townhouse]

It does feel like a ride it out kind of thing baby ducks... .I hope.

He is very quiet at the moment. But then he must have a huge hangover as well as feeling shamed by his own actions as they have been revealed to him during the day. Seeing his own emails etc.

If it looks like turning into ST I'll mention it and Yes then I'd love some strategy Baby Ducks.

Firing line for sure waverider. Although  I do let my guard down sometimes, I am getting tougher and more mindful of what he is like and how he will act.

[Cat Familiar]

It's a tough space to be in, townhouse. What I ended up doing was to communicate with the contractor and say as little as possible to my husband. For all his complaining, he too, got overloaded by the process and any talk about details sent him into a funk.

It's really difficult because it's a team project, or so you think, when you start a massive house building project.

So yesterday my husband called the neighbors to kvetch about the sprinklers being on for several hours. Of course he didn't get a good reception. I totally stayed out of it, but he kept asking me if it was OK that he called and I had to reassure him that if he wanted to speak his mind, he had every right to do so, but that I wasn't surprised by their reaction.

The irony is that we have an irrigated pasture, about four acres, that we irrigate with water we contract to purchase from the creek. When they were contemplating the purchase of the neighboring property, their realtor asked me if they could run a pipe through my property and get water from the creek. I said no because I didn't want my horse pasture and driveway to be dug up. Now we have a drought and they're irrigating new areas with well water!

[Cat Familiar]

Now that my husband has had the come to Jesus talk with the neighbors about their flagrant use of water, guess what he's doing this afternoon?

He's washing his sports car!

He was all paranoid about them running our well dry yesterday. These pwBPD don't have any connection to logical thinking.

[waverider]

Now that my husband has had the come to Jesus talk with the neighbors about their flagrant use of water, guess what he's doing this afternoon?

He's washing his sports car!

He was all paranoid about them running our well dry yesterday. These pwBPD don't have any connection to logical thinking.

Ah but he's in control of the water useage now. You get the same nonsense with finances.

If any resource is limited then not having control is the fear driven by potentially running out, or having their supply restricted. Even if them having control is more likely to make that happen. It is not about the bigger picture of benefiting everyone in the long run. It is protecting their own needs and slice of supply.

[joeramabeme]

It is protecting their own needs and slice of supply.

Waverider, can you elaborate on this?  What is it that drives the need to protect their own pie?  I have experienced it but totally at a loss to understand it.  Not about fear of abandonment but there is some kind of fear going on there...

[waverider]

Its a bit like hoarding it triggers a need to take control of something before someone removes it or takes it away. You can't have any pie or there wont be enough for me. It can even drive a need for the pie that wasn't there before, simply because the option  might be gone.

A lot of the need for control is about preventing others from having control or influence over them. So it is really a fear of control than a need to have it. Hence once given control it is not used responsibly.

In the water example the fear is the authorities will introduce greater restrictions if people waste it, and hence it will impact on their ability to wash their own car, or whatever else they want to use it for. If they have their own ability to waste water restricted they will then perceive themselves the victim of the wasteful ways of others and the bullying of the authorities.

[townhouse]

Quote from Waverider

"If any resource is limited then not having control is the fear driven by potentially running out, or having their supply restricted. Even if them having control is more likely to make that happen. It is not about the bigger picture of benefiting everyone in the long run. It is protecting their own needs and slice of supply."


This is so happening in my relationship now. I am completely painted black, yelled at, 'f' bombs and that everything is a disaster and it is all my fault. I chose the wrong builder (we got 3 estimates for the project and SO chose the one he wanted.) I also shouldn't have paid  any money till it was finished to SO's satisfaction. ... .As if that could ever happen. Honestly I know it sounds rude but he is talking crazy. He also said personal hurtful things about me.

So to refer to Waverider yes our resources (the money) are limited and the project has cost more than we thought. So giving the final payment to the builder must feel like giving resources to someone he hates.

Quote from Waverider

"Its a bit like hoarding it triggers a need to take control of something before someone removes it or takes it away. You can't have any pie or there wont be enough for me. It can even drive a need for the pie that wasn't there before, simply because the option  might be gone."

Fits this situation

Quote from Waverider

"A lot of the need for control is about preventing others from having control or influence over them. So it is really a fear of control than a need to have it. Hence once given control it is not used responsibly. "

I can see this is what's going on with SO. He says he now wants nothing to do with the new house... .I mentioned "will you help me mow the grass"... .Yells "never" "the only thing I will ever do is sign the piece of paper to sell it. "

Tellingly he hasn't mentioned moving out or "sell the lot" this time like he did last year when we separated for 2 weeks. Nor has he said this relationship is toxic like 6 months ago. Therefore, thank goodness I don't have that "this is the end of the relationship" pit in my stomach. Still Silent Treatment has now started... .For how long this time?

Waverider I really appreciate your insight into the possible background into this dysregulation. However, am I right in thinking that I can never discuss this with SO? I don't mean at the moment but later on when he his back to 'normal' again. He is well educated, has a couple of degrees etc.

[waverider]

However, am I right in thinking that I can never discuss this with SO? I don't mean at the moment but later on when he his back to 'normal' again. He is well educated, has a couple of degrees etc.

I have had these discussions, but not until much later as part of healing from the Disorder. Revisiting it earlier is often something YOU don't particularly want to go through again, especially as they may not be ready to accept their role in it. Even if they are open to it, it just reinforces their own self doubts. Everyone is different though.

The problem is when you want to discuss it they don't and viz versa

[townhouse]

It's kind of blown over or at least less volatile.

He said things like 'I don't know why my brain just wants to go down the old negative pathways. It's from my childhood for sure"

I added something like if he was aware of that couldn't he try to train it to do otherwise.

Anyway it was a good talk.

I am dealing with the builder fallout.

One good thing to come out of this latest melt down is that we are going on a small holiday together to get away from things. He suggested it after I mentioned that maybe he had a touch of 'cabin fever' and he agreed.

[townhouse]

We had a great few days away, really we talked, laughed and joked as 'normal' people do.

At first he was inclined to mention the builder but responded to my suggestions of 'let it go' just enjoy the day.

Then came the morning of the day we were to return home. It all came vomiting out again, his hatred of the builder, how it was my fault, the place is a wreck (it's not) what he's going to do, how he is going to confront him, on and on. I reacted badly, but not in respect to him but for myself. For the first time I am actually considering leaving.

We travelled home in silence 6 hours and it was me who just could not bring myself to speak to him. I am so sick of his anger and self righteousness.

I suppose I will calm down but I dread tomorrow.

[Cat Familiar]

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, townhouse.   

It sounds like your holiday together gave you a bit of a different perspective.

I know that my husband often is better behaved on little trips away and I had to laugh at this sentence of yours: "We had a great few days away, really we talked, laughed and joked as 'normal' people do." I completely understand.

It's too bad that they cannot seem to continue the "normal" behavior once they get home, or even on the way home.

Something you'll need to consider is whether you're willing to live with these behavioral patterns which are so entrenched and are unlikely to improve with age, unless he takes steps to change them.

I think about the same things, although there are redeeming features in my relationship and I'm learning to have a thicker skin after being raised to be a codependent caretaker type. Still, it's awfully unpleasant to be around someone who is chronically angry and who thinks they're right all the time.