going for a surprise visit this weekend

[married21years]

so i am off for a surprise visit this weekend to pick up my daughter

she is coming to visit.

the wife is complaining of being smothered but dosnt want to lose me

this whole thing is crazey

but i love her and i am stronger and weeing me will hopefully help

she knows and tells others i love her.

knowing this is causing her issues.

she cant deal with me loving or wanting her  :'(

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[an0ught]

she knows and tells others i love her.

knowing this is causing her issues.

she cant deal with me loving or wanting her  :'(

she can't deal with herself. Don't take this personally.

[married21years]

thanks anought

i am back, weird trip

we sleep in the same bed, we have sex once and it was amazing.

she says she dosnt love me, we cant talk about her or our issues and she sees no future for us

i cannot kiss or cuddle her or show her any affection.

this is crazey, she still claims she dosnt have BPD. it is all my thought and convinced her she had it. but she agreed and did a tes and it showed online she is very likely to have it.

i have no contact to her therapist. i feel so helpless!

[formflier]

i have no contact to her therapist. i feel so helpless!

Can you expand on this a bit... .

Feeling like you have no power is a common thing for nons in a r/s like this... .

Once I survived my first extinction burst... .I realized I had power... .and could take some of my life back.  The more tools I used and lessons I applied... .the more power I feel I have.

I'm hoping we can point you in this direction... .

FF

[married21years]

hi thx ff

i know she has BPD but she is now in denial, she is trying to take her life back to the way it was.

she is using withholding of affection and commitment, saying she dosnt love me.

but we all know this is a lie.

[formflier]

hi thx ff

i know she has BPD but she is now in denial, she is trying to take her life back to the way it was.

she is using withholding of affection and commitment, saying she dosnt love me.

but we all know this is a lie.

I'm going to push you a bit here... .

How does this contribute to feelings of helplessness?  Your feelings... .

FF

[married21years]

yes i just want to rebuild our relationship

she wont let me love her

[formflier]

yes i just want to rebuild our relationship

she wont let me love her

   

 

Hang in there... .let me think about this a bit... .and I'll let you think about (and feel) this a bit... .

FF

[MaroonLiquid]

she cant deal with me loving or wanting her  :'(

This is the hardest thing to have to deal with for any "non" I think.  This is obviously hard on you and please know that "this too shall pass." (feelings of hopelessness, helplessness I mean).  The last few days I have been dealing with a some emotion.  It comes and goes like waves.  Sorry you are dealing with this.  it will get better.

[married21years]

thx guys i am trying, just light chats

[formflier]

 

Maroon,

How do you deal with the emotions when they come?

I used to "fight them"... .I used to try to "buck up"... .now... I try to feel them... .let them flow... .and eventually it passes.

FF

[MaroonLiquid]

Maroon,

How do you deal with the emotions when they come?

I used to "fight them"... .I used to try to "buck up"... .now... I try to feel them... .let them flow... .and eventually it passes.

FF

I feel them.  I even let myself cry (have a few times the last few days).  I have been watching a show on Netflix and watched an episode last night where one of the main characters found out they had cancer.  The premise of this episode was to make sure to tell/show the person you love that you love them because you never know what the next moment holds.  It was hard to watch because it is very true.  It is especially difficult when dealing with a pwBPD because there are times you may not talk to them for days/weeks (in my case at times) or months/years (in other cases).  I cried because it brought up those moments that I have been through with my wife where I had wondered if something bad happened to me during her ST/painting me black, how would she have known?  Would she have cared?  Would she be there for me or continue to act like I didn't exist?  I would think she would be there, but how do we know considering they don't handle that stuff very well.  Thankfully, the worst of ST have passed with my boundaries, but it was still difficult.  For me, if something happened to my wife or kids, I would be there without hesitation at her side for support and comfort as I have many times (including when she had surgery earlier this year).  I wanted so bad to call my wife to tell her I love her, but just stayed with the emotion figuring she would not answer the phone, dysregulate, not understand, see it as manipulation, or say something stupid.  in other words, I figured there was a good possibility it would make me feel worse so I didn't give in to it. 

[married21years]

she is dysregulated at the moment because my daughter is here with me and she is there on her own working,

there is a family bbq tonight and she has alienated both families.

these are the consequences of her own actions.

but she is hating all the family events i go to that she cant because she has alienated both families.

i have to stop letting her blame others for her problems.

she is avoiding contact at the moment

i am avoiding the urge to ask what is wrong

[formflier]

i have to stop letting her blame others for her problems.

Not your responsibility... .let her blame who she wants.  Listen... .see if you can find something to validate.  Or... .just hush and go do something else. 

Be very careful during a blamefest... .very easy to invalidate them while trying to make them feel better.

i am avoiding the urge to ask what is wrong

How does this feel?  This can be hard work... .but keep it up. 

"What is wrong?"  This is fastball she can hit out of the park... .

"How are you today?"  Good way to test the waters... .

":)id you enjoy the gorgeous sunrise?"  A good way to nudge things to a good place... .if she keeps going negative... .don't go there with her... .but don't argue... .it can be invalidating.

FF

[married21years]

i have to stop letting her blame others for her problems.

Not your responsibility... .let her blame who she wants.  Listen... .see if you can find something to validate.  Or... .just hush and go do something else. 

Be very careful during a blamefest... .very easy to invalidate them while trying to make them feel better.

i am avoiding the urge to ask what is wrong

How does this feel?  This can be hard work... .but keep it up. 

"What is wrong?"  This is fastball she can hit out of the park... .

"How are you today?"  Good way to test the waters... .

":)id you enjoy the gorgeous sunrise?"  A good way to nudge things to a good place... .if she keeps going negative... .don't go there with her... .but don't argue... .it can be invalidating.

FF

thx bud