Seeing her this weekend

[OopsIDidItAgain]

Today my ex and I were supposed to meet, but due to neither of us being able to commit to a time my ex told me she was available all weekend for us to meet up. I agreed.

We broke NC about a week ago and have chatted via text maybe three times. One time was an all day event considering our dog was getting an emergency surgery and I wanted to keep her updated.

We chatted for a bit today about random things. Joking around like we hadn't in a while and then she says... .

- I'm so happy we can be friends. We didn't work as a couple but our friendship means everything to me.

How can she say that after almost two months of being broken up? I didn't know if that was a dig or what. She also was commenting on how well I was doing and how happy she was for me. I also told her I was proud of the changes she made.

The friendship comment really got me. I feel like I just got friend zoned by someone I was thinking about marrying two months ago!

It just kind of hurt.

Ps. Dog is OK!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[babyducks]

Hi PX,

I am glad the dog is okay.   I have two myself, and have always been a dog lover.   I hate it when things go wrong for them.

I can really see how the friend comment would land all over your sore toes.  It would have bugged me too. 

Unfortunately this is one of the differences in how we and pwBPD process information/life.   pwBPD live very much in the moment and what ever they are feeling exactly at the moment is absolutely true to them and will be that way forever.   feelings=facts.    Always.

We process information much differently,  you still recognize the fact that two months ago things were very significantly different.   

It certainly felt like a dig, but I honestly don't think she meant to hurt you.   She was responding to her feeling of the moment... .which pwBPD tend to do.

Hang in there.   and be sure to let us know how the meeting goes.

'ducks

[OopsIDidItAgain]

So she's made up three times to meet and every time she cancels.

Now I'm getting dramatic text after dramatic text since she is moving out of our apartment.

I'm done thinking she wants to rekindle. I think now the texts are about knowing she has control over me. I'm done responding. If she wants to make an effort to see me, she's going to have to earn it now.

[babyducks]

PX,

I know you must be frustrated and annoyed.   It took some soul searching for you to reach the point of being willing to meet her and now this.   

Disengaging from the emotional storm is a good step.    Don't feed into the drama.

In my experience, dramatic texts, dramatic announcements, crying and blaming are almost always about my partners heighten emotional reactivity, not about me.   She is having painfully intense emotions so she needs to get them out, and unfortunately they tend to come my way.   I have gotten much better at side stepping and letting them roll by.   If I react with emotion I am only fueling the fire. 

I hope you are doing something good for yourself today.

'ducks

[OopsIDidItAgain]

Did some reading, went for a hike with a friend. It's been a pretty good me day

I'm just here anticipating her texting me again. Part of me is waiting for a texts but the other part of me just finds them to be heart stopping. Not sure what they will say.

I want to give this relationship another chance, I want to try again but at the same time. I'm not going to allow myself to be disappointed by her. I'm not going to suggest another day to meet up. She can do that when she's ready. I don't want to play or feed into games when she and I are both vulnerable.

I just don't know how I should go about her emotional texts. Should I side step? Should I give a non emotional response? I want to show I'm there for her but at the same time, I don't want to be an over eager doormat who she can expect to be there when it suits her needs.

[babyducks]

Hi PX,

I am glad you had a good day for yourself.

Have you managed to browse the lessons at all?   That really is the best place to start.

I just don't know how I should go about her emotional texts. Should I side step? Should I give a non emotional response? I want to show I'm there for her but at the same time, I don't want to be an over eager doormat who she can expect to be there when it suits her needs.

My partner and I used to be caught in a cycle of conflict, a lot of circular arguments, a lot of emotional reactivity. The kind of stuff you find described in Lesson 4.  What I have found on this board is an emphasis on me being calm and centered and establishing boundaries that kept both of us more comfortable.

What used to happen was she would react emotionally and before I understood how BPD worked, I would react to her harmfully intense emotions.   And then she would react to my emotions.   And we would be ping ponging off each other like berserk super balls.   It wasn't pretty.   

If it was me I would try a SET statement (Lesson 3).   I tend to find them easier and for me they tend to work better.   

SET= Support, Empathy, Truth

In your situation, a SET could look like this,  if you choose to use a SET put it in your own words,  I'm just offering an example.

Support =  I know you wanted to get together with me.

Empathy = It's really understandable that it would feel uncomfortable to do that.

Truth = It's actually hard for me too so why don't we ... .(fill in the blank with something you are comfortable with)

What ever you fill in the blank with, make it something you are comfortable with but think she could be comfortable with also.   A middle of the road solution.   Take a small amount of the emotional lead here.   (Lesson 2 - Being Committed)

You'll find that feeding into games, or what we call continuing the dysfunctional dance is discouraged on Staying.  All of us here are always looking for the healthier response.   

What do you think?   Any of this make any sense?

'ducks