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Author Topic: I suffer alone  (Read 418 times)
LauraP
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« on: August 14, 2015, 09:37:58 AM »

Hi there, I write this as I sit locked in my bathroom on the floor crying, reeling after another terrifying outburst from my girlfriend. I've got to the point where I physically shake with fear, have heart palpitations and end up dizzy from stress for hours after as I just cannot handle it. I've always considered myself a very strong self aware person. I've suffered anxiety and depression before and can empathise greatly toward the struggles those with BPD must suffer but when I'm too scared to talk to any of my friends and family about the truth behind the outbursts and how they leave me feeling for fear she will find out and absolutely lose it again - it is here I find myself looking for some sort of outlet. Hoping, in the nicest possible way, that I am not alone out here. I am so scared for my life sometimes and the pain knowing that the person I love so much will always, in one way or another, cause me great pain. I love her so much and care about her deeply but fear my own life will be compromised, limited and unhappy if this carries on. I am so tired of our home being smashed, being punched, shaken and thrown around - hurt, rude, spiteful words thrown at me that are "truth" I cannot accept apparently. I feel sometimes the one who loves me would never do that, even for my own good? I just don't think it's kind. Aside from the Bpd our relationship is strong and amazing. It is hard to exist outside of this relationship, keep up with friends or even family because she is so demanding of my time and so suspicious when I'm not with her. I'm at a point where I do not know what to do. I can't see my life without her but I can't see myself surviving this much longer, mentally, myself. I do not know what to do. I am too scared to have therapy to discuss this as I know it will cause further issue. Most of all I hate looking into her eyes in a rage - the eyes of the woman I love - wondering if she's there, if she even loves me or what? Sometimes I even question my own reality because the gas lighting is unbelievable. Gosh. I would love some advice and help on this. Thank you.
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Cloudy Days
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« Reply #1 on: August 14, 2015, 10:03:40 AM »

I can feel the desperation in your post. I am so sorry you are going through this mess. You are not alone! Several years ago I was in a similar place to you, I was desperate for change, I was at the end of my rope not sure what to do, so close to divorcing but not even really sure how as it would have been chaos and that's putting it lightly. Today things are much better, things are not perfect but it's an extreme change to what I once lived. I lived in fear, I was woken up every night and told to leave my own home. I would leave the house and sit in a parking lot and just cry my eyes out. Just know that I have not had to do that in 3 years. Because things got better.  I think all of your fears are very valid and I think most of us on this board have felt the same way at some point in our lives or we would not have seeked out help on these boards. It can get better, but you have to take some steps to get your life back. Have you had a chance to read any of the lessons? They are very helpful, I usually suggest learning how to Validate and how to avoid Invalidation as a start.

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It's not the future you are afraid of, it's repeating the past that makes you anxious.
ptilda
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« Reply #2 on: August 14, 2015, 12:38:42 PM »

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I was there a short time ago and while things recently turned a corner, they actually got worse first. We're still not good. Divorce is still in action (his action). I'm still left every day not knowing. But through this journey I know myself more and I know who I am in God.

You're among friends. Be strong. We'll help hold you up.
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Sunfl0wer
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Relationship status: He moved out mid March
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« Reply #3 on: August 14, 2015, 12:55:19 PM »

Hi there Laura,

I'm sorry that you are in this situation.  Many of us have had partners that we love however, have left us feeling frightened and a whole mix of other confusing emotions.  Certainly myself included.  You will find many understanding persons here that can relate.  I see this is your first post.

However, it sounds like you are needing some support in this moment... .

Can you share with us what happened?

Where are you now?

Do you feel safe?
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How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.~Anais Nin
Turkish
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Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2013; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
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« Reply #4 on: August 14, 2015, 01:12:22 PM »

I feel sometimes the one who loves me would never do that, even for my own good? I just don't think it's kind.

No, LauraP, it's not kind at all. I'm sorry that you are going through this. You sound trapped and cut off from sources of support due to fear, perhaps, of triggering the bad behaviors. It sounds hard to reconcile the people we love, when they are loving, with the times when they act abusive. It's even harder to feel focused when we are blamed for someone else's behaviors.

It's understandable to be hesitant to talk about it in therapy. Do you think you might be able to reach out to an anonymous support hot-line? Talking to a voice with experience might help you stabilize the situation.

Turkish
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« Reply #5 on: August 14, 2015, 01:26:34 PM »

Hi there, I write this as I sit locked in my bathroom on the floor crying, reeling after another terrifying outburst from my girlfriend. I've got to the point where I physically shake with fear, have heart palpitations and end up dizzy from stress for hours after as I just cannot handle it.

I can really understand what you are going through right now. You must be hurting and struggling to have written a post like this.

Sometimes it can be hard to know how to respond to all of these posts. Sometimes, it has helped me to just start typing. The other members on here are fantastic about helping cut through the hurt and figure out feelings. You're among friends that want to hear what you have to say.
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Loosestrife
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« Reply #6 on: August 14, 2015, 03:38:44 PM »

Reading your post made me cry as i have written a similar journal entry more times than I care to remember. I'm really sorry you are going through this. You are not on your own. And yes, it is unkind. It is abuse. I know it's hard, but if you could discreetly see a T, even if it's during your lunch break at work, then it might help. I have been seeing a T for 6 months now and it has helped, but it's taken me this long to realise it. Sending you kind thoughts, take care and keep posting  
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JQ
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« Reply #7 on: August 15, 2015, 01:13:00 PM »

Laura,   Empathy Empathy Empathy Empathy

You are in a bad situation right now ... .the good news is that things can and WILL get better!  I KNOW that seems little comfort to you at this point as you're on the bathroom floor in fear of your s/oBPD.  Know as others have said everyone here is or have been in the position you're in.

You need to know it's NOT ok for mental abuse! You need to know it's NOT ok for physical abuse! YOU need to know it's NOT ok for emotional abuse!  All of those and more are happening to you Laura and it's not right.  YOU need to learn to RESPECT YOURSELF! YOU deserve a loving, caring mutually RESPECTFUL relationship!  As yourself questions that might help in determining where the relationship NEEDS to go ... .NOT necessarily where you WANT it to go.  As I've told others in this forum, go find a quite place outside in a park ... .somewhere that you can have a glass of wine and clear your head to really ... .REALLY think clearly and be honest with yourself and ask  yourself these questions. Why do you really ... .REALLY love this person? Would this person be a good mother to your kids? Does she give you the respect and love that you deserve? If you were in a very bad way and you needed her would she be there for you? If you have kids is this relationship that you really want your kids to observe growing up? Is this how you want them to see how a relationship is suppose to work? Is this a mutually loving, caring respectful relationship? Only you can answer these questions ... .no one will judge you either way to stay or go ... .it's up to you. It'll take a tremendous amount of courage, strength, patience on your part that you've ever experienced before. Now ask yourself this question ... .after all of that ... .is this the type of relationship you want 10-20-30 years from now? Will your mind, body and soul last that long?

You need to dive into the world of BPD, read all that you can. The following books can be found at your local library, "Stop Walking on Eggshells", "I love you ... .I hate you ... .DOn't leave me".  And "The Human Magnet Syndrome".  I would highly suggest that you go to therapy to help yourself ... .it's evident that you need it AND that's ok ... .most of us have been and continue to go. You are probably like the rest of us in the fact that you are a codependent ... .you're probably a perfectionist, a peace maker, a care giver, you want to help others, take care of others, ride in on your horse with your white hat and protect others ... .it's ok ... .most of us are that way as well. It's behavior we learned growing up that was beyond our control due to a parent who was more than likely a BPD. Your soBPD learned her behavior long before you showed up. There are 3 C's of BPD that you need to know. YOU didn't Cause it! YOU can't Control it! and you sure as hell can't Cure it!  She is stunted behaviorally as a 3 year old and this happen as a defense coping mechanism when she was a child. She rages like a out of control 3 year old when she doesn't get her way like that of a 3 year old you see in the grocery store when mom won't let them have their way.  Evidence suggest until THEY are ready to understand why they behave they way they do they will never go to therapy.  They will more than likely need a lifetime of therapy as will you if you elect to stay with her. My exBPD gf has been going through therapy off and on for decades and still has issues but I do see moments of clarity. She's not physical abusive, but she has admitted that she has emotionally & mentally abused me being in another relationship with bf#2 then calls me to have phone sex or sext me only to know that she's given me a false sense of a relationship as long as she is still in the relationship with him. I finally put boundaries on her and it seems to be working ... .

Learn about boundaries and how to set and maintain them. I started with her hanging up on me during phone calls. I would call her back & until she was ready to talk she wouldn't answer. I finally told her in a very calm voice, that I didn't like her hanging up on me, its was rude and disrespectful. She agreed and it hasn't been a problem since. I also put in boundaries since she started to see bf#2 that I wouldn't see her, stay the night or weekend with her. I explained in detail why with STD's, UTIs, etc. She said she understood. I haven't been with her for 3 months now. She would call or sext me and I put that boundary in next. It seems to be working, with an occasional suggestive sext but I quickly change the subject and things calm down. It's hard, it's challenging but there is evidence to suggest that someone with BPD needs, craves boundaries since they might not have had them growing up causing in part their BPD behavior issues. They have an EXTREME fear abandonment real or not which might or might be part of the reason they rage but certainly a reason why they triangulate and have extra relationships.

You DESERVE so much more from a partner in your life! Life is certainly to short and you only get one shot at it. Can you actually see yourself continuing in this relationship one more week much less 10 more years? Think about it ... .Whatever you doing or NOT doing at the moment doesn't seem to be working for you.

Some words of wisdom I've learned lately ... .

There are 7,865,398, 245 people in the world ... .just in case your S/O was feeling irreplaceable

-Never take them for granted. No matter how much someone loves you, everyone has their limit of feeling unappreciated.

-A relationship should NOT drain you ... .

-You can't change them, they can only change themselves. You can't force them, they choose their own path. You can't create a loving relationship all by yourself, they have to participate and join you.

Laura, you deserve to be loved and respected ... .come back as much as you need to ... .let us know that you are ok, to vent, get some guidance  ... .be safe ... .wishing you peace and strength

JQ
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Loosestrife
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« Reply #8 on: August 15, 2015, 07:25:17 PM »

Wise words JQ   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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ShadowIntheNight
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« Reply #9 on: August 15, 2015, 10:49:18 PM »

Laura, you neither deserve or have to be someone else's punching bag verbally, physically, or emotionally. It is not a loving relationship when you say that besides the abuse and torment she puts me thru, we have a great relationship. Let me tell you that a great relationship does not begin after you get past the abuse. That is a bad relationship from start to finish and I have to be frank with you about it.

You are a battered girlfriend. There is no other way to describe it. You are afraid to tell anyone because it will upset ur partner or lead to you getting into trouble for it from her. That is not a great relationship, that is abuse. You don't even have to understand that she has "issues." Lots of people have issues but don't make their gf a punching bag for it.

There are domestic violence shelters women in your predicament can go to. One day you will realize that you being abused makes it a bad relationship. Until you get to that place, you need to find at least one friend in your life who will listen to you and doesn't not know ur gf who can tell her the things you may choose to disclose. That is for your protection. AND you should talk to a therapist at least once. You don't have to accept being mistreated this way even if your gf is BPD, NBP, or just a big bully. Frankly, you deserve much better. And better does not involve the kind of abuse you described.
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waverider
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« Reply #10 on: August 16, 2015, 02:03:37 AM »

The lock on this jail cell of isolation, fear and self doubt has no key, it has a combination lock. The code can be worked out by you with time, persistence and help from others.

Your partner is also in  a like cell but has no ability to work out her code. So she needs you to stay in jail with her. This is why she engulfs you in her chaos, to share it is to normalize it.

You partly put up with this as it has become the normal for you, even though you hate it. Outside contacts to break the isolation and sense of no choices is essential.

The aim of this site is to restore our own rights to choice and take us out of a state of Fear Obligation and Guilt (FOG).

Your life has a future whther it be with her or without her, you just need help finding it.

Waverider
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Loosestrife
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« Reply #11 on: August 16, 2015, 03:09:28 PM »

The lock on this jail cell of isolation, fear and self doubt has no key, it has a combination lock. The code can be worked out by you with time, persistence and help from others.

Your partner is also in  a like cell but has no ability to work out her code. So she needs you to stay in jail with her. This is why she engulfs you in her chaos, to share it is to normalize it.

You partly put up with this as it has become the normal for you, even though you hate it. Outside contacts to break the isolation and sense of no choices is essential.

The aim of this site is to restore our own rights to choice and take us out of a state of Fear Obligation and Guilt (FOG).

Your life has a future whther it be with her or without her, you just need help finding it.

Waverider

I think the word 'normalising' is key here. I was in a smiling situation and my gf would quickly move on after a rage where she was abusive to me, but if I had done anything wrong in her eyes, she would hurt for a days/weeks. If I dared to raise the abuse I suffered to stop the 'normalising', she would paint me black for hurting/shaming her.
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waverider
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If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #12 on: August 16, 2015, 06:00:26 PM »

If I dared to raise the abuse I suffered to stop the 'normalising', she would paint me black for hurting/shaming her.

Criticizing her behavior is seen as an attack on her, any attack on her defines you as an enemy, and thus you are painted black.

However you need to state your truth, but you need to avoid the ensuing escalation. So say it short sweet, and once, then be prepared to at least remove yourself from further debate, or even physically if necessary. Don't get hooked into trying to convince her that leads to JADE and stubborn escalation.

Say it once, she will hear you, it is up to her to then decide if she wants to take it on board. They certainly wont admit it, but that doesn't mean its not lodged in there.
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