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Author Topic: Is it ever too late to start setting boundaries?  (Read 568 times)
Jk416

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« on: August 14, 2015, 11:18:41 AM »

Is it ever too late to start setting boundaries? I've been letting my uBPDbf get away with things for a long time. I feel bad about now telling him, you can no longer do that. I fear losing him, and that's my own issue I have to work on. But I'm just curious to know how this has gone for others.
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foggydew
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« Reply #1 on: August 14, 2015, 11:24:14 AM »

I don't think it is ever too late; I think it depends on how you set them and communicate this. Making a big deal of it seems like a challenge, so then a power struggle begins... at least with my person. And it also seems to depend on whether they are in disregulating mode or not ... don't think they are even able to hear you at such a time.
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Jk416

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« Reply #2 on: August 14, 2015, 11:37:20 AM »

Timing is definitely key! Sometimes he asks what we can do to make our relationship better. I haven't been completely honest during these times because I feel like he will not be able or not want to honor my request. And I wouldn't leave him because of that so it makes me feel like what's the point? I have asked him to stop hanging up on me and blocking my number when he gets upset. Yet he continues to do it. The last time I just stopped trying to contact him at all and that seemed to work.

I told him I didn't mind him still being friends with his ex, but now I feel he is pushing the limits. He let her move back into his home because she doesn't have anywhere to live, which is a lie. I know when I bring this up, it's going to cause world war 3 because I told him I didn't mind that they were still friends.
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ptilda
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« Reply #3 on: August 14, 2015, 12:23:12 PM »

Never too late! I messed up in almost every way before realizing I was dealing with BPD. Just remember that boundaries are not about "telling him you can no longer do that," but about letting him know, "this is not working for me, so I need to do ___ for ME." Took me a while to figure this out.

So when you're calm say, ” know sometimes you get frustrated and your reactions of hanging up and blocking me are because of that. Since it stresses me out when that happens, I need to make the choice to walk away for a while next time." Better yet, if you can gage when the hangup is about to happen, stop it there and say, "I sense were both feeling a lot of emotions and so let's give it a break and come back later once we both feel more calm."

Just ideas Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Jk416

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« Reply #4 on: August 14, 2015, 12:39:08 PM »

Thanks ptilda! I am learning that it's all about the word usage. Which is hard for me because I've always been a straight-shooter. Not the best approach with pwBPD.

I am calm, even-tempered person and my bf loves and hates that about me. He knows that he is super emotional so he likes that I can balance that. But only when it comes to calming him down from dealing with other people. If it's an argument between the two of us and I try to say maybe we should talk about this later... .then I'm running away. But he thinks it's fine when he just hangs up the phone. I'm thinking that is something I may just have to accept. He says hanging up keeps him from saying things he might regret.
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ptilda
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« Reply #5 on: August 14, 2015, 01:47:02 PM »

Thanks ptilda! I am learning that it's all about the word usage. Which is hard for me because I've always been a straight-shooter. Not the best approach with pwBPD.

I am calm, even-tempered person and my bf loves and hates that about me. He knows that he is super emotional so he likes that I can balance that. But only when it comes to calming him down from dealing with other people. If it's an argument between the two of us and I try to say maybe we should talk about this later... .then I'm running away. But he thinks it's fine when he just hangs up the phone. I'm thinking that is something I may just have to accept. He says hanging up keeps him from saying things he might regret.

Then maybe start there? Ask him if he would tell you when he feels the need to end the conversation?
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Jk416

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« Reply #6 on: August 14, 2015, 02:00:21 PM »

Thanks! I will try that.
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JQ
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« Reply #7 on: August 14, 2015, 02:38:08 PM »

Jk,

Welcome to the group, I hope you find the knowledge, strength and peace you need from the group sharing what you want. You'll find no one here judging you for your choices.

In reference to your question ... .it's never to late to set a boundary ... .but you have to be ready for the consequences good or bad. My exBPDgf was hanging up on me when she would get upset. I noticed she did the same thing to her ex-husband and one of them would call the other back and she would again hang up on him. It's been a long time since I've been in high school and I wasn't about to go back to all that drama. So I decided to put a stop to it for me. We were on the phone having another discussion where she became angry and hung up on me. I waited for a couple of minutes and called back, no answer. I waited again for 30 minutes  to let the situation cool down. She answered this time. I told her in a very calm voice, that I know you were upset, but that is no reason to hang up on me, it's rude and reminds me of high school drama, I respect you enough not hang up on so please don't do it to me anymore. It hasn't been a problem since. Now that I'm thinking about it, it was my first boundary I set without really knowing about BPD.

One of my boundaries I knowingly set was the fact that she was seeing bf#2 at the same time she was seeing me. I very calmly talked to her one day and told her that I wasn't going to be a bench warmer for anyone. That I wouldn't be any part of a 3 way dating relationship for several reasons & describe in detail some things.  i told her that I had buried one friend who had died from AIDS. Her bf had several relationships and ended up giving it to her. She didn't ask for it and certainly was an awesome person who didn't deserve to die that way. I won't risk that or other STDs or UTI's or other things that you will have for the rest of your life.  She told me she understood why, told me she was sad, but also told me several other things.

She told me she doesn't know what she wants. She told me "do you know how scared I am to get everything I want in a relationship with you?"  She's told me, " I know the relationship with him needs to end as I'm not getting what I want from it".  "I had to come to realize it myself".  I set other limits with sexting and telephonic erotica, she has stopped it and I see moments of clarity that she is trying to change her behavior. But with someone with BPD it's hard to accept or believe it will last. I haven't seen her in 3 months and haven't spoken or texted her in a week so I guess the boundaries I set are working. I don't know how long she'll be with bf#2. He provides a fantasy world for her to live in away from the day to day drama of raising two kids, work issues, life issues. His kids are grown up & out of the house, she started rather late. I was told, "he spoils me". He taking her on a couple of trips in the last 12 months across the country, and gives her a life if even for a weekend that is void of responsibility & fun helping her forget her real life.

So, I set this boundary, I haven't seen her in 3 months, you have to be ready for it, REALLY ready for it. I would suggest you start with something easy like the hanging up on you. Set that boundary and see where it goes. If he hangs up on you, don't call him back ... .this will be very challenging for you. But they have to learn. They have the behavior of a 3 year old if you've researched anything on BPD. They need & crave structor, boundaries since there were none when they were growing up. YOU need to respect yourself and know it's NOT ok to take the mental abuse. It's NOT ok to take the verbal abuse. It's NOT ok to take the emotional abuse! This was something else she learned, that she was actually mentally and emotionally abusing me by being in this relationship with him and then as she put it "giving you a false sense of a relationship" by sexting me and calling me wanting to have phone sex. As tempting as it is, I steered the communication away by asking about other things and she finally said good night.  I'm not wanting a physical thing, but the complete package and she knows that. She told me that I call you when my life is in turmoil, when I need someone the most because I know you love me and truly care for me. Another moment of clarity? I would like to think so, but it's hard to tell.

I don't know when I will hear from her, but I know I will sooner or later ... .it's what they do. I've read the following books and would suggest them to help you understand things a little bit better. You can find them at your local library too. "I love you ... .I hate you ... .Don't leave me" "Stop walking on Eggshells", and "The Human Magnet Syndrome". All 3 books you can find at your local library, they will help explain what BPD is, how to manage yourself & your s/o BPD in a relationship and why people "BPD's that are master manipulators attract people like us who are codependent.

Remember, it really is HOW you say things, the tone, and not what you say so much. When they rage at you, take a deep breath, and tell them I don't like you yelling at me so I'm going to go in the other room, the back yard for a few minutes, then come back so we can talk about it. BPDs have a EXTREME fear of abandonment real or not so you have to calm that part of them. This relationship isn't going to be easy, it's going to take a large part of effort on your part and will take a toll on your mental, emotional and physical portions of your body and life. If you stay, not only will they have to go to therapy, "It has to be their idea and they have to WANT to go", you'll have to go to therapy as well to keep you sanity and continue to learn how to mentally and emotionally deal with this life long emotional behavior issue your s/o BPD has.

I wish you peace and strength ... .

JQ
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Jk416

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« Reply #8 on: August 14, 2015, 06:38:35 PM »

Thanks JQ. That was very encouraging. I have learned so much from this community in just a short period of time. Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I know I have to be READY, as you said. And honestly I don't know if I'm there yet. I have put so much into this relationship to make it work and truly, whole-heartedly love my bf. I'm so scared to do something that will trigger him. And after all the times he's left and come back, you would think I would just be used to it by now or just over the immaturity. But the thought of him leaving and never coming back still scares me. And though the childishness of it all annoys me, the love is so strong.
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JQ
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« Reply #9 on: August 14, 2015, 09:03:22 PM »

JK,

I've been where you are, felt what you've felt & if I'm honest with myself I'm probably still am to some degree. The only limitations on you are the ones you put on yourself.  Let me ask you some questions that you really need to ask yourself. You need to find a quite place, maybe somewhere in your house ... .or a park on a sunny day but a place where you can really be by yourself and your thoughts. 

SO when you're in this "happy calm place" of yours, ask yourself Why do I love him ... .why do you REALLY love him? Does he show you that same kind of love in return? Does he respect you? Can you spend time with your friends without him raging on you when you get back? Can you introduce him to them without fear? Will he make a good father to your kids? Will he be a good teacher, mentor to your kids? Will the he show your children what a mutually respectful, loving, caring relationship between two people is suppose to be like? Because if not, you're children will watch how he treats you and think it's ok. They will learn from your relationship and you will perpetuate the problem you're in to another generation.

He needs to WANT to get help and go to therapy. You can't force the issue. It's like forcing a 3 year old after you've sugared them up on cake & ice cream to come in from the yard & friends to take a bath. IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN! They will rage and fight you every step of the way. It has to be their idea to improve and they'll have to commit to a lifetime of it. My exBPDgf has been going on and off for decades and even though I see signs of clarity every now & then she still has a long way to go.

I know that she just gave her kids to her ex-husband today for the next week and she's at bf#2 house for the weekend.  We are not in a relationship, we haven't been for sometime and it hurts no doubt about it. When will I see or hear from her? I might hear from her via a text or perhaps a phone call Monday evening but I'm not a betting man. She'll hear the difference in my voice, but how can it not change being that we are nothing more then friends currently. It might trigger her, it might not. But I'm better for being in the place that I'm right now. I'm not in limbo and free to go out with someone if I choose to. Yes I love her ... .but I'm really asking myself is a life for the next 10-20-30 years with her going to be a good one full of joy, happiness, laughter, respect & love or will it be full of doubt, raging, anxiety, being scared to say the wrong thing, not be on time, or live my life? It's ok to love them, you wouldn't be human if you didn't & seriously need therapy for yourself at that point. But You only get this one life and its short so you have to love yourself first. You are responsible for your happiness ... .not anyone else's.  You are not responsible for him or his actions ... .he needs to learn to be responsible for his actions and the consequences both good or bad. It's like she you teach your 16 year old to drive, you teach them proper turning techniques, obey traffic laws, etc. If they come home with a speeding ticket are you going to pay for it? No YOU shouldn't. They need to learn that there are consequences like paying the ticket, going to traffic court, traffic school ... .it's how we learn.

You have to be strong for yourself JK. It's hard I get it, but it'll get easier in the end. Think about what you have right now. How's that working for you? If you respect yourself, set the boundaries that you're comfortable with to start out with because you are just asking for the respect you deserve. You think about that first boundary you want to set, something simple ... .take baby steps one step at a time. If he leaves because you are standing up for yourself, we all know that they'll be back, he's proved it more than once. Then set the next boundary ... .then the next.

History of evidence for someone with BPD indicates that a lifetime of therapy will be required for both of you. A lifetime with someone who has BPD isn't going to be all rainbows and unicorns but a lifetime of constant challenge, stress, anxiety. So you have to decide something Neo ... .  You take the blue pill -- the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill -- you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes."    

If you want to get Freudian about things ... .I read that the following characters were written and that their characters displayed the classic signs of BPD ... .Hamlet ... .Peter Pan ... .real actors like Marilyn Monroe, Movies like Breakfast at Tiffany's main character, Fatal Attraction is a movie that I could aware my first exBPDgf was in, Basic Instinct and the list goes on.

You come back here as much as you need to ... .you'll find no judgement here but new friends who have been were you are. You can vent, tell us anything and everything you want or nothing at all. we'll help you work through what ever choice you decide you want ... .what ever choice you need to make for yourself ... .in the process we all grow a little bit.

Be safe,

JQ
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« Reply #10 on: August 17, 2015, 07:17:12 AM »

  I feel bad about now telling him, you can no longer do that. I fear losing him, and that's my own issue I have to work on. But I'm just curious to know how this has gone for others.

Hey... .this is a great question... .few things jumped out at me... . 

Have you read the lessons on boundaries and intermittent reinforcement?  "Letting him get away with things... " for a long time is not that bad... .

What is worse is if you kept switching back and forth... .

So... .before trying to implement a new boundary... .MAKE SURE YOU WILL STICK WITH IT... .

This is why you should sort out your values and make sure it is worth it.  Only you can make that determination...

Last thought... .think long and hard to make sure that boundaries are not a tool to control other people... .that you are using them to control "your stuff".

If you want to someone else to do stuff... .that is a request... .not a boundary. Realize this going in... .

BIG DIFFERENCE... .

Again... this is a great topic to chat about!


FF
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