Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 29, 2024, 01:37:50 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Depression = 72% of members
Take the test, read about the implications, and check out the remedies.
111
Pages: 1 [2]  All   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: I want to have a child, too.  (Read 570 times)
Cloudy Days
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 1095



« Reply #30 on: August 21, 2015, 10:58:00 AM »

I want to second the thought that you can't really reasonably protect a child from BPD abuse. At some pint the child will be left alone with her. My husband's father had BPD and his mother made it a point to never leave them alone with him unless it was absolutely necessary. Even though it didn't happen often it still happened. They were left for a few hours with him it was an emergency. When he was about 6 and his brother was about 10 they were listening to a clock radio in their room a bit too loud. His father came in screaming to shut it off, he couldn't figure out how to shut it off himself so he ripped it out of the socket and slammed it against the wall. One of the incidences they both remember very vividly. He was also very controlling of his kids, which made them not able to make their own decisions as grown ups because he always made the decisions. I could keep going, his mother was there all the time but their father dominated a lot of what happened because of his personality. Not always directly abusive, things he would say, things he would do that would be sort of a mind game. My husband never felt good enough for his father. But he knew his mother loved him dearly.
Logged

It's not the future you are afraid of, it's repeating the past that makes you anxious.
RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

Cat Familiar
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 7480



« Reply #31 on: August 21, 2015, 11:41:04 AM »

As for whether I could reasonably protect a child from an abusive mother - yes.  

Max: I don't comment on many of your threads, but I do follow them and am commenting here because I care about you and your potential child.    So please hear what I have to say in that spirit.

You are overestimating your abilities to protect a child here.  Even if you manage to protect the child from the same physical abuse you've experienced with your wife, there's simply no way you can protect a child from the emotional abuse and psychological damage caused by a BPD mother.  

It's not possible for you to be present to witness every interaction between your wife and child, and even if you are there, you can't actually control everything your wife is doing, not doing, saying, or not saying... .all of which has an influence on your child that can be severely damaging.  

I don't ever recall a member on these boards saying "my mom was BPD, but my dad managed to keep her under control, so she was not able to psychologically harm me."  That's just not how it works because the disorder is so pervasive.

Here's a list of things my BPD mother did to me before the age of 7 when we were alone. We moved to a new house when I was 7, so that's why I have a rough idea of my age for these events:

1. She asked me which parent I would choose if she were to divorce my dad. I told her I'd run away instead of making that choice.

2. She told me we "weren't as good as other people."

3. She sexually experimented with me. I was probably about 4 or 5 or less. The only reason I remember this one incident is because she panicked and told me "Never tell anyone." I didn't tell anyone until I was an adult in therapy. And telling this community is the second time I've betrayed her secret.

I don't think I would have been damaged by the sexual experimentation had she not mentioned that I should keep it a secret, I probably wouldn't even have remembered it. And perhaps it happened on many other occasions. I don't know. What really damaged me in later years was her telling me how bad men were and equating any type of sexual behavior, even in marriage, as something awful and evil.

Years later, when I was going through her things after she passed away, I found some correspondence and it appears that she herself was violating her own standards as a young woman, carrying on an affair with a married man.

All these things were really damaging to me and I had to go through quite a bit of therapy to get over #1 and #2. By far, #2 was the worst. And as much as my dad loved me, there was no way he could have protected me from this.

My mother appeared very functional to others. She was able to hold down a job. Several of my friends from school have contacted me over the years and they all remarked how wonderful my mother was. If they only knew... .
Logged

“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: 1 [2]  All   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!