My heart is breaking

[ptilda]

Friends and family think they're doing me a favor telling me what they believe is the inevitable: he married me for a green card; he has another woman on the side; I need to move on.

What do I do when people who care about me are telling me to give up on the one who has my heart? If he had cancer or another physical illness and I stayed with him, I'd be lauded as a hero and loving wife, even watching him die as painful as that might be. But mental illness is somehow looked at as different? Like if he tried hard enough he could "get over" it?

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[turbo squash]

What do I do when people who care about me are telling me to give up on the one who has my heart?

I have gotten a good bit of skepticism from my mother. She has seen me crying and hurting over my marriage. She is not the biggest fan of my wife right now. Whenever she expresses doubt, I tell her that I love myself and know that my wife isn't the only one who could ever make me happy. I also tell her what my therapist is helping me to see and that I have set a limit on myself and how much I am willing to take.

She accepts that and stops expressing her skepticism.

If I had other family members that still didn't accept that, I would just tell them, "I am the only one that can know when I should move on from my marriage. If you love me and support me, you shouldn't keep trying to tell me how to make decisions that aren't yours to make."

[ptilda]

Yeah. I tell them that, but usually at that time the damage has already been done. And they wrap up with, "I know you are blinded by love." Really? Well I'm un-blind enough to realize it's BPD and not that he's just being a jerk! Haha

[thisagain]

 

I think your friends and family mean well and want you to be happy. It's hard for outsiders to understand how BPD minds and relationships work. That's why I try to only vent to a therapist who understands my partner's illness, but it's a lot harder when you have to keep explaining to people why you aren't living together.

It also gets easier as you start setting up more boundaries to protect yourself. My friends and family became much less worried once I started making sure to arrange my life (career, apartment, etc) in a way that doesn't depend on my partner. And using more boundaries so that my partner's drama wasn't keeping me from studying or taking basic care of myself.

You seem to be making a lot of progress over the past few days! Hang in there and remember we're here to support you

[Cat Familiar]

Having been married to two BPD men, I think the best strategy is to imagine yourself twenty, thirty years in the future with this person.

For me, the first one would have been intolerable and would have ended in some horrific way.

The second is merely annoying and I can just do my own thing.

[JQ]

ptilda,   

I've had 2 serious exBPDgf & possible 2 ex-wives that were on the light side of BPD. Lets stick to the exBPDgfs since they had a lot of issue surround the relationships. I didn't know anything about BPD with the first one ... .and only learned in the last few months about BPD with the second exBPDgf when she wanted to learn why she was loosing control, yelling, raging and not knowing why. She had been going to therapy off and on for decades. we looked up the symptoms of bi-polar and she took these concerns to her current therapist and he then told her she was BPD. Why he waited to tell her is beyond me. Anyway, I dove into everything BPD, books, websites, forums like this one.

If you've read anything on BPD  you know there are 3 C's that needs to become your mantra. YOU didn't Cause it! YOU can't Control it! YOU can't Cure it!  Learn it, know it, live it!  This is a learned behavior long before you showed up in the picture. They will have to come to realize and want to go to therapy possibly for life. As I said, my exBPDgf has been going for decades. Know that you'll have to go as well to keep you sanity, to help you cope and to manage your feelings for as long as you're in the relationship. No one would blame you if you decided it was to much ... .there is no judgement here.

I've come to learn that BPD is the highest suicide rate of all mental illness and complete the act 8-12% of the time so take any and all suicide comments serious and just call 911. At the very least they'll get some help & calm down for 2-3 days depending on what state you live in.  Cat has a point about looking down 20-30 years from now can you see yourself with this person. Grab a bottle of wine, find a quite place and really think about the following questions about the relationships. Why do you love them? Will he make a good father to your children? Will he be a good mentor, example to your kids? Will he show them what a loving, caring, mutually respectful relationship between two people should be? Because what your children grow up watching you two day to day will ... .WILL affect them in how they view relationships. This isn't just about him or you ... .but any kids you have or will have ... .  do you want to continue this type of abuse for them in their relationships?  You need to respect yourself!  YOU need to say NO to mental abuse? YOU need to say NO to physical abuse! YOU need to say NO to emotional abuse! 

If you're going to stay in this relationship,  know it's going to take a toll on you beyond anything you've ever experienced. You'll learn about triangulation, projection, push / pull, validation just to mention a few terms. You'll learn that something happen to them long before you met them to emotionally stunt them to a toddler ... .they behave like a 2-3 year old. Have you ever sat down with a 3 year old just to have a conversation? Their logic at that age is non existence, but it makes sense to them. Your BPD will be the same way, it doesn't make sense to you but for them it's a defense behavior. Do you want this for the rest of your life? No one can tell you what path to walk, but we can only tell you from our experiences and what we've learned what you might expect going forward with or without them.

As I said, my exBPDgf has been in and out of therapy for years, and there are moments I've seen clarity in her eyes and her thinking, behavior. But it is short lived and things go back to the way they were. I've set boundary's from NOT hanging up on me during a phone conversation to not being 3rd party in a relationship. You'll learn that BPD will have multiple relationships ... .I was invited to one of her therapy sessions and told her and the doc I wanted to be in a mutually exclusive monogamous relationship with her. The therapist told me, "JQ that might never happen".  I think that was my first real reference to triangulation and fear of abandonment ... .real or not it's what they believe and what they fear and will do what ever they need to do to survive such an event.

I haven't seen her in 3 months nor have I sexted her or had phone sex with her since I set that boundary. She told me she calls me in moments of her life that are in turmoil because she knows I love her and that I truly care for her. She's told me that she understood the boundary of no sexting or phone sex because it gives me a false sense of a relationship and it's not fair to me. she told me she doesn't know what she wants. She's told me that she knows that her current bf and her need to break things off because she's not getting what she needs from the relationship but had to come to that conclusion on her own. He currently provides a fantasy world for her from the chaotic world of raising two kids, work issues, life issues even if it's only for a weekend getaway. She knows it's not real, but can't face the day to day world she's dealing with right now so she stays with him and what he  provides for her. I represent stability and dealing with day to day drama that comes along. I represent a loving & caring relationship and  she's afraid that if she "screws up things with me on any giving day that I will leave and be totally destroyed". SO, I've come to accept things as they are.

I have decided that if someone comes along that I like and want to date or take out to a movie, etc I will. I will not put my life on hold and neither should you. Life is truly short, you only get one shot at it and you need to LIVE it for you!  We deserve to be in a mutually respectful loving, caring relationship  ... .RESPECT YOURSELF!

Stay safe, be happy ... .come back as much as you need to for guidance, to vent, to blow off steam or ask any question ... .someone will alway be here for you

JQ

[Daniell85]

The idea that your husband wants you for a green card and has another woman on the side... obviously he filed for divorce and if that goes through, he ends up back in Haiti. Logically, that doesn't gel.

The question is, do you think there is merit to the green card idea and another lady on the side?

My mom is disgusted with my boyfriend, and my son despises him.

It's upsetting to me if they get angry to me about him. My son is currently not speaking to me due to BS with his dad. And my mom just mainly figures when I am done, then I am done.

That being said, I wonder if you are like me: here is this person who has been so awesome and suddenly you are dealing with a loved one who seems like a malicious stranger. For me, I wanted to exhaust every possibility before I let mine go. Including having to have some paradigm shift in how I view life.

What is behind that? Not sure. Probably co-dependence, love, and abandonment fears. I am addressing those aspects of myself. Trying, at least. Slow progress, I guess.

[ptilda]

It doesn't make sense at all.

Of course I don't want to be alone, but I've been alone a long time and would rather be alone than in misery. But I cannot believe this is doomed for misery. I saw MY husband when he stopped by to bring me medicine and some cash to help. He's still there, he just got lost for a while.

I tend to think that my commitment is not a flaw, but a level of commitment that more people in this world should understand.