"Forced" DBT therapy- I need your vote

[abq1980]

I have a unique situation to ask about.  My divorce will be final soon (just waiting on the Judge to sign the decree).  So far, my uexBPDw has refused any advancements towards therapy.

I know you can’t “force” someone into therapy, but I may have a way that will make therapy the most attractive option.   But before I execute the plan, I wanted to run it by members on this board.

About 18 months ago, my uexBPDw had one of her rages.  She was mad over something trivial.  She yelled at me and went into one her extreme tantrums.  She did not strike me with her fist or kick me, but she did throw food at me which did hit me.  Throughout our five years together there were several other incidents where she did make contact by hitting or “using her claws” on my forearms.  There were times that she even drew blood with her nails.  I never called police for any incident.  I now realize I was an enabler for her physical outbursts.

I mention the food incident above because it is the only incident I can pin a date on.  I know exactly when it happened, which is essential if charges are going to be filed. I do not have dates for the other acts of violence, so I can’t ask for charges to be filed on those incidents.  I am an attorney and she could face domestic violence battery charges from the above food incident.  She could face up to a year in jail (she would get probation at best though).  

I do not want to charge her, I want her to get help.  The mere act of having charges filed against her could ruin her career and possibly have her medical license revoked. Even if she is found not guilty, she would have to explain the situation to the licensing board and to every future employer.  I don’t think she would take that risk.

I plan on approaching her with either get in a DBT program and stick with it, or I will go to the police. It’s as simple as that.    

I do believe if she went through a DBT program she would be a different person.  I have read and heard such good things about it.  I am even trying to incorporate some of the techniques and ideas of DBT in my own life.  To some, my plan might sound vengeful, but if I wanted to be vengeful, I would just go to the police today without the plan of DBT therapy.

If anything, I think I have to do this for me.  To use a football analogy, I just can’t take a knee to end the game when there is still a chance for a Hail Mary. I know that she will resent the offer of getting into therapy, but I feel have to give it a shot.  I don't see how it could make things any worse.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Schermarhorn]

If she feels she is being forced into it, she will not have any progress.

She has to commit to it on her own.

[HopefulDad]

If forced upon her, I suspect it will go something like this:

- Starts off learning something new, actually does some self reflection.

- Claims, "maybe ex has a point.  I should do this."

- Does DBT for some short period of time.

- Prematurely claims, "I'm cured!" or turns on the therapist after being challenged.

- Done with DBT.

- Reverts back to square one.

- Never going back to DBT.

The resolve to follow through with DBT must come from within.

[Mutt]

The topic of discussion was relocated and should be able to receive a better response on the Staying Board for information on loved ones with BPD traits and support with ":)BT therapy."

The Leaving Board audience is for members that have been spurned, relationship post-mortems and have decided to detach and move on.

[GreenGrover]

In her most recent reign of chaos, my exbffBPD was put in the psych ward, lost pretty much any chance she has of pursuing the career she went to college for, tossed me to the side, and broke up with her boyfriend.   Those last two things happened after she said she was going to get therapy. She lost her career and the only two people, other than her parents, who visited her in the hospital.  And do you know what she did the day after she broke up with her boyfriend?  She activated her Tinder account.  To my knowledge, she's still living with her ex-boyfriend.

Honestly, the worst thing that happened was her being told that she has BPD.  As soon as she got out of the hospital, I guarantee she looked it up. Then, she got rid of me because I knew about BPD (my aunt has shown BPD and NPD traits) and got rid of her boyfriend once her true colors showed.  Right now, I'm not painted black,  but I'm not 100% white yet.  I know that goes against the rules of BPD, but I also wasn't dating her or living with her.  Also, she tends to keep friends around, even if it's at a distance, because she always needs a place to live.

Believe me.  If I could get her into DBT and make her stay,  I would drive her to every session and buy her a damn ice cream cone afterwards.   But she doesn't want to bother with it.  Therapy takes time away from dating,  partying,  and sleeping.

I'm with HopefulDad.  Even if you could get her to go, she'd convince herself that she's cured.  Something good would happen in her life,  and it would distract her and make her think she's all better.  My exbffBPD recently got a new job that she likes.  She changed her hair, made herself look all pretty.  Now, she's convinced that everything is great. 

[babyducks]

I agree with a lot of what has been written here already.

It takes a tremendous amount of will power, guts and stamina to do the kind of inner reflection and self examination that therapy and DBT requires.

It's hard work.   And the rewards are intangible and way off in the future.  So not terribly attractive.   

I do not want to charge her, I want her to get help.  The mere act of having charges filed against her could ruin her career and possibly have her medical license revoked

I would suggest you follow you own gut.   Don't charge her.   The possible ramifications are huge.   Like you said, you have to be able to live with you.   If this ruins her career and she has her license revoked how would you feel about that?

Instead of the stick can you use the carrot?

[sweetheart]

Can I clarify abq, are you wanting to stay in your marriage by using the DBT as the proviso for this ?

I have more to say but I want to be sure about what is happening for your marriage before I answer 

[abq1980]

Thank you for your replies.

Sweetheart- the marriage, at least legally is over.  DBT though would be a requirement for her if we ever try to rekindle a friendship or reconcile and remarry.  I know the odds of both are slim, but I am trying to hold on to even that slim hope.  I think that is why my original post was moved from leaving to staying.  I have not moved on yet.  She has given her engagement/wedding band back.  I plan on putting them both in a safe deposit box.  If she gets help, my hope is that one day she will wear them again.

Babyducks- I really do not want her to be charged. It would probably make things worse between us and it might hurt my career as well.  I hope just the threat of action will make her do something.  I know that any possible rewards take a lot of hard work and time.  But that is true for everything worth having in life.  I also know that even if she seeks help, her family will advise her that she doesn't need it. 

I really don't know what I will do.  I feel like I have to do something though.

Right now we are in no contact.  That was initiated by her.  I actually have not seen her in five months.  In her mind she believes I was stalking and harassing her.  Both are untrue.  She had a horrible lawyer during the divorce who believed everything she had to say.  I know I shouldn't take it personally and that it is part of the disorder, but it still stings that my former best friend now believes I am the enemy.

[babyducks]

Babyducks- I really do not want her to be charged. It would probably make things worse between us and it might hurt my career as well.  I hope just the threat of action will make her do something.  I know that any possible rewards take a lot of hard work and time.  But that is true for everything worth having in life.  I also know that even if she seeks help, her family will advise her that she doesn't need it. 

I really don't know what I will do.  I feel like I have to do something though.

Right now we are in no contact.  That was initiated by her.  I actually have not seen her in five months.  In her mind she believes I was stalking and harassing her.  Both are untrue.  She had a horrible lawyer during the divorce who believed everything she had to say.  I know I shouldn't take it personally and that it is part of the disorder, but it still stings that my former best friend now believes I am the enemy.

Hi abq,

Now that I know more about your situation I will definitely advise against your plan.

You are legally divorced after what sound like a acrimonious legal process and she believes you were harassing her.   The event in question occurred 18 months ago.    Her family is not supportive.

I can't imagine how this will play out in the way you hope.

I can only too easily imagine how this could blow up into a nightmare.

You have too much history between you to have this come off as anything but a personal attack.

If you are really adamant about trying everything,  perhaps you could find a therapist of your own and discuss it, with all the nuances and subtle detail with a trained professional.

'ducks