Die on this hill?

[DevilYouKnow]

So I need some advice on a situation.

Last week I scheduled an oil change for this Saturday for my car at the dealership where I bought it (oil changes are free there, but they book up a ways out).  My wife also scheduled something for the same morning for her with some people at out house.  We didn't connect on the conflict until now.  She wants me to stay home and keep the kids out of her way while she does her thing.  I really need to get an oil change as I'm pushing it from the last one (around 7000 miles) and I have to do about another 1000 next week before I could get in again.  There are no more appointments left at the dealership this weekend, so my only other option for an oil change is going to Jiffy Lube and giving them an arm and a leg (or doing it myself I suppose, but that's also kind of a pain when there is someone who will do it for free).  Given when my appointment is and the travel time involved, I think I would probably be back to deal with the kids no more than 30 minutes after her get-together starts, and I'm sure they can be entertained by a movie or something during that time.  However, my wife is not one to let facts, logic, or compromise get in the way of doing things her way, so this will probably be a fight.

I've been codependent for a while and want to start establishing some boundaries, and this seems like a good first step, but I don't really trust that I can walk the middle road between giving in or giving her a fight--both of which are a win for her.  I know she's going to throw at me it's my fault I didn't tell her about the oil change, that it's easier to reschedule the oil change than for her to reschedule her thing, that the kids will ruin her morning if she has to deal with them for even a short time, that I'm selfish and not supporting her, etc.  I just don't know the right answers to give to those-- I usually just give in to keep the peace or try to reason with her, which just ends up invalidating her and making her furious.  I'm currently in her good graces if that helps.  Any advice?

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[an0ught]

Hi DevilYouKnow,

from what you wrote it is inconvenient but not impossible for your wife to handle the situation. I also gather it costs you more time and money if you don't execute your plan. Now if you have plenty of time and money the answer is clear. The fact that you are looking for free deals or doing it yourself seems to me a sign that money is a factor. A factor not just for you but the whole family including her.

Whether to fight this hill or not - you have to decide. I don't think it is an important hill but it is a defensible hill. If you cede all the high ground all the time you should not complain when you only fight uphill battles later.

If you decide to "fight" this hill -

Avoid JADE. Prepare a concise SET to tell what you do, when you will be back (add a good safety buffer) and stick to it. Maybe a short broken record phase but the less said the better.

Appreciate the total inconsiderateness of your behavior totally abandoning her doing incredible double duty of hosting and dealing with kids. Unbelievable hard on her  

Totally accept that she is upset. Try not to tell her this is a minor thing.

It is not a hill worth dying on. So know why you defend it and where your limits are defending it. Ceding it after starting to defend will cost you a lot as it makes defending other hills later harder. So you have some stakes on the table. But probably you are not all in. So what values are on the line and where would you back down? Knowing that may be important as your resolve will be tested.

Remember you don't need to convince her to like it or say yes. She just needs to know you do it.

Bribe the kids to stay quiet

[workinprogress]

Perhaps the kids could go with you or help her?

[formflier]

 

You take one kid... .she takes the other... .

I've got 8 kids... .so... these type of logistics come up all the time.

Back up a bit... .look at the long term goal... .don't look at this "battle" or this "hill" as the end all... .be all.

In a healthy relationship... there is lots of compromise... .give and take.

did you wife ask you nicely?  :)id she demand?  :)id she imply that "her stuff" was more important that yours.

You are not her servant... .she is not yours... .

So... .my gut right now... .with what I know right now... .is that you compromise and each feel some (but not all) of the "pain" of not coordinating properly... .

Thoughts?  

FF

[formflier]

  Ceding it after starting to defend will cost you a lot as it makes defending other hills later harder.

This is a big reason to think these things through!

FF

[DevilYouKnow]

So I went for it and it went okay.  She played the martyr a bit, but didn't have a full meltdown.  I got a couple of hysterical texts while I was at the dealership, but it settled back to normal when I got home.  I'm being painted white right now for some reason, so I guess I'll just enjoy it while it lasts.

[formflier]

So I went for it and it went okay.  She played the martyr a bit, but didn't have a full meltdown.  I got a couple of hysterical texts while I was at the dealership, but it settled back to normal when I got home.  I'm being painted white right now for some reason, so I guess I'll just enjoy it while it lasts.

What was the solution?  Can you give us some details?

Good for you... .for standing up for yourself... .you have picked your path... .stay on it... .

She will try to nudge you off again... .maybe shove you off.

FF

[DevilYouKnow]

I'd like to say there was some brilliant solution or maneuvering on my part, but I think the reality of it is that she's just been in a fairly reasonable mood.  I looked into rescheduling it, which she had asked me to do, and nothing else was available.  I just explained to her that I knew her event was important but that taking care of the car was also necessary and this was the only time I could do it, and that I would be back as soon as I could.  I caught a little bit of guilt trip ("you know how hard it is for me to handle the kids when you're gone", but no tantrum or significant push-back.  That was good, because I have a hard time standing my ground in the face of those, and a lot of times just thinking a tantrum will result from something I do will cause me to not even bother with it.  I got a couple of texts from her at the dealership ("I need you home ASAP!0" and "Omg!  This is not ok!", but when I got home the kids were leaving her alone and she still had her guests so nothing escalated.  Good baby step and confidence builder for me.

[an0ught]

Well done 

And not just a confidence builder for you. She also suffered through her anxiety and overcame it eventually managing the situation in practice without a hitch. Working for a common goal more independently as a couple can make you a lot more effective than if you do all together and fighting half the way too.