Stepmom.vs mom

[OneStepAtaTime]

The first day I met my spouse I was estatic I met him threw my daycare because his child went there. I met his ex wife before they got separated. After his separation she told him to see other people because she left for another man 2 weeks after he got her a breast job and tummy tuck. He started telling her he had interest In me. She comes up to me and said wow your so great for my kids they love u and if it could be anyone I'm glad it's you... 3 months into my relationship I was happier then ever... until she decided to get caught cheating on her new bf... she messaged my bf to come back and she missed him and loved him and wanted to be a family. 3 months of this went on. Finally she decided to say I'm nothing I'll never be a mother so on... 3 years have passed and it's been nothing but trouble. She tells lies to kids about y she left. She tells kis dad is not a good person... she moved 11 times in 1.5 years. She's had at least 16 bfs thst kids have met... it's been really hard. She hates having her kids with her she makes my step daughter feel worthless. And calls her fault and not pretty and a terrible sister and daughter... she leaves kids unattended in a house that got previously broken into my 8 year old SD knows how to grind and roll weed... she constantly fights with my bf to prove a point of her supirority  when we bite our tongues in all her wrong doings because no matter what she makes things up that makes him the worse person. She asks for more and more and more but if it doesn't go to Benifit her she refuses to cooperate. I am in it for the long I love my family. Just hard when one person changes how people feel in such a short time.

[Kwamina]

Hi OneStepAtaTime,

Thanks for posting this introduction and welcome to bpdfamily

The situation you describe is quite unpleasant and not easy to deal with. I am glad you are reaching out for support and advice here.

Has his ex-wife been diagnosed with BPD or any other disorder? Has she as far as you know ever gotten any help for her issues?

To help you get started I encourage you to take a look at the tools and lessons to the right of this message board. They can help you get a better understanding of BPD and what is going on here with your spouse's ex-wife. The tools can also help you find new ways of dealing with this difficult situation.

Take care

[livednlearned]

Hi OneStepAtaTime,

I wanted to join Kwamina in welcoming you to the site.  

Coparenting with a troubled ex parent is so hard, and I'm sorry it's been so difficult for you, your H, and your SD. It is so heart breaking to watch the kids deal with a parent who doesn't act like an adult, not to mention how challenging it is for us to deal with BPD behaviors.  Moving 11 times in 1.5 years and having a revolving door of boyfriends does sound like behavior consistent with someone who has BPD, and it sounds like she has a substance abuse problem as well.

What kind of custody arrangement do you have in place? How many kids are involved?

The age of the kids, and the custody arrangement can make a big difference in how to approach these situations. And also the relationship that the kids have with their non-BPD parent, as well as with you. How would you describe how the kids are doing?

One of the things that gave me some relief when I arrived here is learning about parallel parenting, parental alienation, and validation. Parallel parenting helped me set boundaries, and I learned to validate my son's feelings (this helps raise an emotionally resilient child), plus I learned valuable techniques to offset the damage of parental alienation.

This is a very welcoming community with a lot of collective experience dealing with tough issues -- you're not alone. We're here for you.



LnL

[ForeverDad]

I too would like to emphasize the benefit of teaching your step children to have an objective perspective concerning what their mother says and does, not letting the devaluation or negativity impact them overmuch.  Clearly this is a long standing issue and their mother isn't at all inclined to change, at least not at this time.  She's still stuck in Denial, Blaming and Blame Shifting and for all you know she'll always be that way.

Knowing we, including the children, can't change the other person, then it's time to work on ourselves, learning skills and technique to deflect and counteract the worst of mother's poor behaviors and learn to accept that mother is as she is.

Though mother's criticism will still hurt no matter what, if you can help the children gain an objective perspective, that they are not defined by their mother's jealous or blame shifting mature.  Validation of their natural observations and conclusions is a great foundation upon which they, dad and you can build their core values and strengths.  Yes, they'll still get stung by their mothers biting remarks and invalidation, but over time they can become stronger and better prepared for anything.  Dad and you both can have an immense positive influence on their lives and futures.

[OneStepAtaTime]

I am sorry for the late delays on reply I lost the site page and I have found it again. The custody is 50 50. We have had this since separation going on 4 years now. Mother lives with her 2 kids on an apartment  sharing a bed. She refuses to get diagnosed. She has been told many times by professionals to get the process started and she says nothing is wrong were her now we are struggling with my ss in schopl and she has alienated the teachers against my husband. We are at a loss of what to do. We keep trying and she seems to be easily getting the better half of responses my ss is failing kindergarten.  It is heart breaking.

[Kwamina]

Welcome back OneStepAtaTime

It is very unfortunate that the mother seems unwilling to acknowledge her issues and hasn't sought help.

In what ways has she alienated the teachers against your husband? What have the teachers told your husband about what she has said about him?
<br/>:)id anything happen that preceded your stepson failing kindergarten? Do you believe his mother's behavior is an underlying cause of his struggles?

[ForeverDad]

Professional can recommend therapy but they won't force it, therapy won't work unless she wants it.  Courts generally don't try to change the parents, it handles them the way they are.  So it's logical to stop hoping she will start therapy and improve her parenting.

Courts do take seriously children having continuing trouble in school.  This may be an opportunity for father to seek more parenting and parental authority from the court if he can produce documentation in his favor.

Would any of the professionals be agreeable to contacting his school (principal, counselor or teachers) suggesting they listen to father?  While HIPAA privacy rules may limit what they reveal, they ought to at least be able to state they have "no concerns" about father's parenting and that he is a valuable resource as the children's father.  Getting something like that added to the children's file ought to make a difference.

In addition to that, father can try to be as involved as possible at school, always attending parent-teacher conferences, etc.

While parenting time is 50/50, who is the Residential Parent for School Purposes?  I suspect you'll say mother is RP?  Possibly this is part of the reason why they're listening more to Mother, RP means she is the primary contact.  (The other part is a disordered parent can be so overwhelmingly manipulative with emotions despite a lack of facts.)  I can't promise how much of a difference it will make but maybe he should go to court to become RP.  That may not take the wind out of her sails of entitlement, but at least the teachers will have to communicate with him - and hopefully recognize there was a need to change it.

My story... .

My case had then-stbEx in control with temp custody and temp majority time of our preschooler.  She had absolutely no incentive to settle since any settlement would have been less favorable than what she already had.  A quick settlement would have been too much in her favor.  So I had to suffer through multiple continuances in addition to every step... .temp order, mediation attempt, parenting investigation, custody evaluation, settlement conference, and finally the scheduled trial.  That was nearly two years of delays.  It was that or put my long term parenting at a severe disadvantage.  But on Trial morning upon arrival at court I was greeted with news that now she was willing to settle.  Talk about "settlement on the court house steps"!  (I later found out she was told by her lawyer that she probably would lose.)  So only then, when no more delays were possible, were we able to negotiate without her entitlement getting in the way.  I even was able to say, "I will be Residential Parent for School Purposes or else we go in and start the trial."  She begged - the only time she ever did that - but I was firm that if we settled she would not walk out with even that supposedly only psychological edge of control.  Both lawyers insisted RP meant nothing.  But they were silent (I wish I could say chastened but I doubt it) when less than two months later when her school reneged on allowing son to finish out his kindergarten school year there.  She had caused one too many scenes at school and with just 5 weeks to go before the school year ended, I was given one day to transfer my son to my school district.

[OneStepAtaTime]

Birth mother with BPD has gotten Extremly verbally abusive that my 6 year old step son was told he will go to cps if he doesn't listen and that he can live with other people while mom and sister will be happy together.  He tells us all the time he's a bad boy and a bad son and a bad brother and a bad person and that he's bad in school. The repeated abuse has made him lack confidence and I want to know what I can tell him without bashing his mom but he's non of those things that she constantly says he has stared acting out in school not listening to teacher and she claims he needs drugs cause it will solve her problems .what do I say please help I don't want to Sabatage anything but she's Sabataging his success

[OneStepAtaTime]

Step mother has told the teacher he is a father who doesn't care and isn't involved in his children's life  we had made agreenments that on our week with the kids she wpuld go to the parent teacher meeting and since we have been separated it has always falling her week to go because we have the kids to the teacher started agreeing that he wasn't implemented in his kids life the mother was always messaging the teacher things that weren't true about the father and we finally had a sit down with the teacher and the things she was telling us was so shocking . The reason y my stepson is failing schopl is he has no stably with his mother she moved12 times in 3.5 years and she never had a place of her own always a friends house she lives at the moment with a friend and her and the 2 kids sleep in the same bed. She has had a very bad bf that my children were kicked out of his house in the middle of a snow storm. They fear theyare homeless with her and my stepson also drew a picture of a naked man saying that he is shy of always meeting mom's new boyfriends she's had at least 16 since the separation  4 years ago...

[ForeverDad]

Dad doesn't have to wait for a scheduled parent-teacher week.  My ex and I have done separate P-T conferences for years.  Dad can ask the teachers for his own separate appointment.  When I mentioned to the school's office staff I had missed a P-T conference, they said all I had to do was call and reschedule.

Remember... .be proactive... .have a strategy... .be polite but not timid or acquiescing... .don't accept No unless it is for a valid reason.

Oh, I almost forgot this old truism... .It is easier to ask for forgiveness than permission.

[OneStepAtaTime]

He asked for separate meetings they said no because it's not in the court order.

[ForeverDad]

Then here are some other ideas... .

Regardless whether it is his time or her time, he goes to the P-T conference.  If she misbehaves or  says he can't enter or puts on an act of "I'm so afraid of him" or other blaming behaviors then he can simply remind & redirect the teachers back to the children.

Or he could have his lawyer write a letter to the school's legal officials and ask for an exception to their policy due to the extreme level of conflict and obstruction.

[livednlearned]

He asked for separate meetings they said no because it's not in the court order.

That is ridiculous! I agree with FD, have dad attend with mom, and let them decide if they need a court order to hold separate meetings. If they want to experience the joys of two hostile parents in one room, let them see for themselves how joyous it can be.

I mean, gah! They are not the first divorced parents who cannot functionally coparent, surely. The school should have some history and a reasonable plan for separating parents who are in a stand off.

Have you asked the principal? Go to the top if you have to, that's where most conflicts end up and school administrators typically have more protocols about how to keep conflict to a minimum. In fact, most of your issues going forward should start with the top because your family is not typical and like FD said, be prepared to live your life begging forgiveness instead of asking permission.

Normal rules don't apply to our situations. As Bill Eddy says, high-conflict people are not just difficult people, they are the most difficult. And we have to adjust our approach accordingly in a way where we are assertive and proactive, otherwise we get steamrolled into flat pancakes.

[OneStepAtaTime]

He tried it once with her and it ended badly she was telling at the teacher and the principle he didn't get two words in and it wasn't even about the child it was about her and they warned her 4 times to stop. When he is in the presence of her she always gets heated uo and had to  ake It about her. He called later that day and talked to the principle and they said they understand that it's not easy bur it needs a court order. We're broke from this women we can't afford to go to court anymore. It's always a battle to get the most simole common sense functions to work. We're stuck and dissapointed. She can't not say anything.

[livednlearned]

He tried it once with her and it ended badly she was telling at the teacher and the principle he didn't get two words in and it wasn't even about the child it was about her and they warned her 4 times to stop. When he is in the presence of her she always gets heated uo and had to  ake It about her. He called later that day and talked to the principle and they said they understand that it's not easy bur it needs a court order. We're broke from this women we can't afford to go to court anymore. It's always a battle to get the most simole common sense functions to work. We're stuck and dissapointed. She can't not say anything.

I understand needing a court order to prevent a parent from picking up a child. I've never heard of needing a court order to get two parent meetings. Maybe it's like that in your state, and maybe the school is misinterpreting? I wonder if you could talk to general counsel at the school district level and ask them to weigh in.

There is no law saying both parents have to attend a parent-teacher conference, is there? Totally baffling.

I hope it turns out to be the school overreacting here, so you can get this sorted out. I cannot imagine anything productive happening if my ex and I had to do parent-teacher meetings together. Like you mentioned, it always ended up being about N/BPDx blaming me for odd things that no one said was a problem, and he never once presented a viable solution to the imaginary problems I allegedly created.

So sorry you're having problems just getting a word in edgewise.