Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 03:16:14 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Experts share their discoveries [video]
99
Could it be BPD
BPDFamily.com Production
Listening to shame
Brené Brown, PhD
What is BPD?
Blasé Aguirre, MD
What BPD recovery looks like
Documentary
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Being Patient  (Read 463 times)
vortex of confusion
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3234



« on: August 15, 2015, 01:55:20 PM »

Not sure how to verbalize this. . .

Things are on a positive path. Lots of improvement is happening.

I am tired. I am emotionally exhausted.

I feel like I am losing my patients here. I want things better now. I don't want to deal with a husband that identifies as a sex addict. There are days when I feel like I am going to explode if I hear that word one more time.

How do I find the patients to stay the course? I am trying to take care of myself. I am trying to reach out to friends that are supportive and helpful. I feel lost right now.

Hubby tries hard. We have been trying to talk about stuff. I have been trying to share my feelings. I don't feel heard. I was trying to tell him that I am tired and don't know how much more patient I can be. I tried to be mindful in choosing my words. Before I could get it all out, he interrupts with, "What are our alternatives?" I didn't want to talk about alternatives. I wanted to talk about my feelings. I want to feel heard. I can't even begin to describe how I feel about what that coach did to me. I want to find a counselor or therapist to talk to but right now I am a bit afraid.

I just need to talk this out and get any kind of support that I can.
Logged
rotiroti
formerly neveragainthanks
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 758



« Reply #1 on: August 15, 2015, 02:04:07 PM »

   

Hang in there VoC, we're here for you (as you have been for the rest of us time and time again, Smiling (click to insert in post))! It's incredibly difficult not being heard by the loves of our lives. Surely there has been some positive interactions with your H recently?

I understand how it can be frightening to reach out and be vulnerable with a T, but the fact that you are considering it is admirable. Any particular reason that's keeping you from taking that final plunge?
Logged
vortex of confusion
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3234



« Reply #2 on: August 15, 2015, 02:41:24 PM »

Surely there has been some positive interactions with your H recently?

There are lots of positive interactions. I consider it a win that I have been able to tell him things without there being a lot of defensiveness on his part. I consider it a win that things are moving forward in a positive direction. I feel like there has been a lot of positive progress.

At the core of that though is the fact that he is incapable of giving me something that he doesn't have for himself. I was reading an article the other day and I think it gets at what I want and need but I can't get it from my husband. The article is here: www.emergingfrombroken.com/the-best-advice-for-the-healing-journey-by-christina-enevoldsen/

The last paragraph says:

Excerpt
No, I didn’t need advice. Opinions or information aren’t what healed me. Human connection was where I found healing—connections that encouraged me to reconnect with myself—my own experience, my own emotions, my own expression. The best advice isn’t advice at all: it’s the permission to merely be by being with me. - See more at: www.emergingfrombroken.com/the-best-advice-for-the-healing-journey-by-christina-enevoldsen/#sthash.9I4CAJ4Q.dpuf

He is incapable of being with me in the sense that I need. That isn't a knock on him. That is where he is at in his healing journey. I am trying to accept this and be patient. And it is hard.

Excerpt
I understand how it can be frightening to reach out and be vulnerable with a T, but the fact that you are considering it is admirable. Any particular reason that's keeping you from taking that final plunge?

I sought out a life coach that offered to work with me pro bono. I talked to her for 5 phone sessions. During the last session, she lambasted me with stuff like, "I see you as a woman that has been physically, emotionally, and sexually abused and is in deep denial." She said that I was endangering my children by leaving them with their father and then she reported me to CPS. That case still hasn't been closed. I tried to open up to her and be honest and vent all of my negative emotions to her and she twisted them into something ugly and nasty and didn't hear me. I feel like she was trying to punish me for wanting to stay with my husband.
Logged
rotiroti
formerly neveragainthanks
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 758



« Reply #3 on: August 15, 2015, 02:55:52 PM »

Excerpt
I consider it a win that I have been able to tell him things without there being a lot of defensiveness on his part. I consider it a win that things are moving forward in a positive direction. I feel like there has been a lot of positive progress.

This is awesome, I consider those huge victories too!

Excerpt
I sought out a life coach that offered to work with me pro bono. I talked to her for 5 phone sessions. During the last session, she lambasted me with stuff like, "I see you as a woman that has been physically, emotionally, and sexually abused and is in deep denial." She said that I was endangering my children by leaving them with their father and then she reported me to CPS. That case still hasn't been closed. I tried to open up to her and be honest and vent all of my negative emotions to her and she twisted them into something ugly and nasty and didn't hear me. I feel like she was trying to punish me for wanting to stay with my husband.

This is absolutely terrible  What is a life coach? Is she licensed?

I am really glad that you are still considering seeing a T after such a horrible experience.

What I did was looked through my insurance to find a T that specialized in treating PTSD (it was hard for me to admit that I had PTSD from my partner) and BPD. The experience has been wonderful. I also picked someone who was older because I thought perhaps life experience was something that I was lacking. I found having that background helped for many reasons:

1. With a great T, you have an absolute safe place where you can say anything

2. With having treated BPD, they can make connections and validate what you are trying to say. At times I couldn't beleive the words coming out of my mouth... .the validation felt liberating because it was something my partner could not give me. As you say, how can someone give something that they don't have? By the way I love that line, what a sweet and understanding insight you have!

Logged
vortex of confusion
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3234



« Reply #4 on: August 15, 2015, 03:16:37 PM »

This is absolutely terrible  What is a life coach? Is she licensed?

My understanding is that a life coach is somebody that is supposed to help you make decisions and get some motivation to do positive things. In my state, life coaches are not licensed by anyone. I called the state and they said that I have no recourse outside of a civil lawsuit.

Excerpt
1. With a great T, you have an absolute safe place where you can say anything

I thought that is what I had with her. That is why I shared so much of my negative feelings. I was overly critical of my husband when talking to her. I had no idea that she would take what I said and use it as grounds to report me.

Excerpt
2. With having treated BPD, they can make connections and validate what you are trying to say. At times I couldn't beleive the words coming out of my mouth... .the validation felt liberating because it was something my partner could not give me. As you say, how can someone give something that they don't have? By the way I love that line, what a sweet and understanding insight you have!

I have no idea if my husband has BPD. I just know that the tools and people here are a tremendous help. I know that when I was talking to the coach, I said things that I had never said before. In retrospect though, I think that I need somebody to help me sort out what is real and what isn't. The coach added to my confusion because she took the things that I said about my husband and used that to paint him out to be some kind of monster rather than somebody that is clueless. The things she was trying to tell me did NOT align with my reality at all and it added to my confusion. And I have a FOO that likes to feed my fears and that doesn't help either.
Logged
ptilda
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 243


« Reply #5 on: August 15, 2015, 05:11:19 PM »

I know what you're dealing with. It's like in the darkest places we just kind of dig in and deal with surviving, but once things start to improve it opens up all these feelings of "what if." What if they go backward? What if I say/do the wrong thing that un-does all the progress? What if this lasts only another day and then blows up again? It's fear of being happy. It's a little bit of what our BPD partners feel every day when they struggle with being happy in a relationship they are convinced will end.
Logged
vortex of confusion
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3234



« Reply #6 on: August 15, 2015, 05:38:42 PM »

I know what you're dealing with. It's like in the darkest places we just kind of dig in and deal with surviving, but once things start to improve it opens up all these feelings of "what if." What if they go backward? What if I say/do the wrong thing that un-does all the progress? What if this lasts only another day and then blows up again? It's fear of being happy. It's a little bit of what our BPD partners feel every day when they struggle with being happy in a relationship they are convinced will end.

Hmmm. . .I think I have gotten beyond the what ifs.

I know that my husband will go backward. I know that he and I will both have bad days.

I know that there will be days when I say and do the wrong things.

I know that if things blow up I will have tools to help me stay grounded and keep me from repeating old patterns. I have a few friends that I can contact when I am feeling out of sorts that will remind me of reality and keep me on track.

For me, I feel like I am on the threshhold of moving from just surviving to thriving. In order to do that, I need to figure out how to be more patient. The other question is, ":)o I have the mental fortitude to continue to be patient?" I am not thinking too much about what my husband is doing. I feel like I am getting a grip on what I can realistically expect from my husband. Now I have to get a grip on what I can realistically do. How patient can I be?

Logged
Surg_Bear
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 125


« Reply #7 on: August 16, 2015, 10:07:37 PM »

Is "sex addict" a deal breaker?

Will you forever be disgusted by the label? 

We are all here under the assumption that all of our loved ones share a single defining characteristic- Borderline Personality Disorder.  We are trying to cope not just the emotional and behavioral manifestations of BPD, but many of us here are grappling with the secondary issue- the stigma of the label.  The curse of mental illness.

If your husband told you that he will forever identify as sex addict, but somehow, he was cured of the addiction, would you still be repulsed?

I ask because it sounds like things are going ok.  The sex addiction behaviors seem to be at a low- maybe even a standstill.  You are making progress.  Yet, you still feel amiss.

Is it the label?

Are you ashamed of your husband's mental illness label / diagnosis?

I don't have answers, but if it is the label, then focusing on behavior and how well he is doing is not going to help you.  Are you stumbling on the hat he wears and missing that he has put on a pretty sharp looking suit?  Is there a way you can focus your attention on what the label means to you on an emotional level?  Maybe his hat has little to do with him?

I have my own issues with the idea of being married to someone who suffers from an incurable mental illness.  This persists even when things are good, and seems to blaze in neon red light when things are bad.

Is the label the stumbling block?

Surg_Bear
Logged

vortex of confusion
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3234



« Reply #8 on: August 16, 2015, 10:45:04 PM »

Is "sex addict" a deal breaker?

Will you forever be disgusted by the label? 

I think that my disgust for the label is a new thing that came about after it was used as part of the allegations against ME. Some people hear "sex addict" and seem to automatically assume that I am a victim and that my husband is some kind of depraved individual. Prior to the stuff with the coach, I didn't really think much about it. My disgust for it has more to do with the fact that when I have shared it with some people, one of the first questions that I get is, "Are you still living with him?" It is like I am being judged and the safety of my kids is being judged based on this label. Forget the fact that I have always secretly questioned whether or not he actually fits that label.

Excerpt
We are all here under the assumption that all of our loved ones share a single defining characteristic- Borderline Personality Disorder.  We are trying to cope not just the emotional and behavioral manifestations of BPD, but many of us here are grappling with the secondary issue- the stigma of the label.  The curse of mental illness.

That is a really good point. I have family members that have been formally diagnosed with various mental illnesses. The stigma attached to being different via a mental illnesses, alternative world view, or pretty much anything that doesn't fit "normal" is very difficult to overcome whether you are the one with the illnesses or are supporting someone with a mental illness.

Excerpt
If your husband told you that he will forever identify as sex addict, but somehow, he was cured of the addiction, would you still be repulsed?

Hmmm. . .that is a difficult question to answer. I don't think I can answer that. He has told me that he will likely identify as a sex addict for the rest of his life. I am thinking about it and I don't think the problem is so much that he identifies as SA as much as it seems like he wears the label with pride. It doesn't seem to make him uncomfortable to announce it to others. It is like he has no shame and doesn't realize that other people are jumping to conclusions about it. And, it makes my life difficult. How the heck can I be married to a sex addict yet not get much satisfaction from my husband? And, as the woman, it is assumed that it is partially her fault for her husband being SA. I don't see that kind of blaming and shaming when it comes to other stuff. I realize that this is a very sensitive topic for me.

Excerpt
I ask because it sounds like things are going ok.  The sex addiction behaviors seem to be at a low- maybe even a standstill.  You are making progress.  Yet, you still feel amiss.

The sex addiction behaviors are non-existent from where I am sitting. The last time any were present was 4 or 5 months ago and it involved self-pleasure and e-mailing another lady. And he told me that he was going to do it before he did it. If I hadn't wanted him to do it, then I should have been clear and said no rather than playing the game of telling him I don't care and then getting mad because he did it. That was a pattern that we had going there for a while.

Excerpt
Are you ashamed of your husband's mental illness label / diagnosis?

He doesn't have any formal labels or diagnosis. Everything is pretty much self diagnosed on his part. When I found this site, BPD seemed to fit better than SA in all honesty.

Excerpt
I don't have answers, but if it is the label, then focusing on behavior and how well he is doing is not going to help you.  Are you stumbling on the hat he wears and missing that he has put on a pretty sharp looking suit?  Is there a way you can focus your attention on what the label means to you on an emotional level?  Maybe his hat has little to do with him?

Mental illness is fine. I am quite familiar with it. Mental illness doesn't run in my family. It takes a nice long stroll and shakes hands with everyone it meets.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

On an emotional level, sex addict sounds way too close to sexual predator. When I have shared that he is SA with some people, that is the reaction that I have gotten. When I have shared it with others, the assumption seems to be that he is dangerous or that I am somehow a victim. When I have shared it with others, the assumption is that he wants to bed anything that moves. That is NOT who he is. That is NOT how his SA has manifested at all. It is making my life difficult because it is being used as a reason to call into question my parenting. That hurts like heck. If I can't even talk to a supposed professional about this stuff without all of the assumptions, then who can I talk to?

Excerpt
Is the label the stumbling block?

Hmmm. . .I am still thinking about it.
Logged
formflier
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076



WWW
« Reply #9 on: August 17, 2015, 06:31:45 AM »

 

How are you doing with exercising... eating right... .and all that.

Trying to figure out some way... .other than a counselor (coach) to vent out negative energy.

Great that you are considering a counselor... .I can understand that there is hesitation... .and will be some emotions on your part to deal with... .just to go.

Also... .probably a good idea to let the counselor know up front about a bad experience... .and let her set the parameters for reporting.

Counselors that I have been to have all done that... .

"What you say here is private unless... .xyz... "  It was pretty clear

FF
Logged

Cat Familiar
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 7480



« Reply #10 on: August 17, 2015, 10:34:23 AM »

What you say about your husband wearing the "sex addict" label with pride makes me wonder if he's high functioning Aspergers in addition to the BPD. Yes, the first impression others would get with the SA label is that of someone out of control with their sexual acting out. I don't know if you've had that discussion with him, but he might not be aware that he's giving that impression.

I imagine he might feel a sense of relief to finally have a label to categorize his uncomfortable compulsions, but for me, several of his behaviors you have mentioned over time seem to fit Aspergers even better: 1. getting lost in his computer game reality  2. being oblivious about helping you with certain aspects of childcare and household tasks  3. being socially inept (as with his former bandmates)  4. self pleasuring instead of intimacy with you  5. sexually stimulated through computer images rather than real life
Logged

“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
Grey Kitty
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 7182



« Reply #11 on: August 17, 2015, 11:12:23 AM »

It sounds like the biggest problem about the label is how your husband uses the label... .

And I gotta wonder... .with his mental health issues... .maybe he's just looking for an axle to wrap himself around, because he needs to do that... .and picked this one because it was a good one. If it hadn't presented itself, he would have found a different axle to wrap himself around... .and flailed around it in a way that was just as difficult on you as this one is.
Logged
formflier
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076



WWW
« Reply #12 on: August 17, 2015, 11:13:36 AM »

 

Cat familiar,

I have thought the same thing.  My oldest has a buddy that is HF aspergers.  

At first you wouldn't know it... .but once you hang around him... you get to know that something is off... .

In fact "clueless" about certain things relationally is a good way to describe him... . 

He will act out... .his buddies give him space... .and then press on with life... .

FF
Logged

vortex of confusion
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3234



« Reply #13 on: August 17, 2015, 11:45:39 AM »

Cat,

Even my oldest daughter has asked if dad has autism or asperger's. He and I are planning on going to see his counselor together. I am wondering about bringing that up.

I think GK may be onto something with the idea that SA was the first thing that he ran into so that is what he attached himself to in order to help him cope and understand himself. For 10 years, he didn't touch porn or do anything that even remotely resembled SA. Even when he started talking to other ladies in 2013, I would hardly count that as SA as he had my permission. I gave it begrudgingly because I wanted and needed more and it was quite clear that I wasn't going to get that from him.

If he chose a different label with less of a stigma, it might be easier to deal with as it would not lead people to assume things like he is sexually out of control or unsafe with kids. If he was labeled as ADHD or something like that, then there wouldn't really be the stigma. Heck, there are school teachers with ADHD and nobody questions it.

I know that the kids are safe with him. I have never doubted that. He may not meet my standards as a parent but I don't know that anybody could meet my standards in that area.
Logged
formflier
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076



WWW
« Reply #14 on: August 17, 2015, 01:25:14 PM »

 

Has he ever had a full workup by a P... .or a PhD Psychologist type?

If you have your eye on a couple things... .sometimes best to ask them to "rule out" certain disorders... .that will lead them to do batteries of tests to figure out definitively what he has.

I went through a process like that... .back when my wife was alleging I had all sorts of disorders and that PTSD was a made up thing.

Anyway... .it was kinda interesting... .lots of questions and interviews.  I'm very confident in what I am... .and what I am not... .or what I have... .and what I don't.

FF
Logged

vortex of confusion
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3234



« Reply #15 on: August 19, 2015, 05:24:17 PM »



Has he ever had a full workup by a P... .or a PhD Psychologist type?

No, he has never had a full work up. He goes to counseling sporadically.

I am very frustrated today. . .

We have had some good discussions lately. Today he says, "I know I don't show but you are a super awesome person."
Logged
formflier
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076



WWW
« Reply #16 on: August 19, 2015, 06:32:41 PM »

I am very frustrated today. . .

 

Being patient is hard... .I've had to be patient for a while... .and tonight finally get to announce some good news... .new post in a bit.

FF
Logged

Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!