I posted this on the undecided board before. But now I have made a decision to stick around and see it through. I'm going to transfer all my thoughts here. I wanted others views on it.
My girlfriend and I had been seeing each other for 8 months. Things were going amazingly well until "unconscious" things started to creep into the relationship. I started to do and say things that made her feel uncomfortable without being fully aware I was doing it (my points and feelings during situations felt valid). The relationship reached breaking point one morning when I woke up to find that she had added and Ex boyfriend on Facebook and naturally it didn't sit right with me. (I felt like this guy was going to try and wedge between our relationship) which some may say is just overthinking and insecurity because I had no proof this was the case (My girlfriend stayed friends with her Ex even though she had no romantic feelings for him). Anyway, my thoughts got the better of me that day after asking her politely that I wasn't comfortable with this dude being around and I would like him deleted and kept at a distance. In response she told me that "You can't tell me who I can and can't talk to" (Which again is true. I can't). But feeling like she cared more about him than me and through trying to protect our relationship. I told her I had to leave the relationship if that was the case. That played on my mind so much that I couldn't be around it.
I later on realised what I had done and through my words I had given her an ultimatum and used emotional blackmail (Acted out of desperation, but had no intention of walking out on her). From the moment I did it, I regretted it. Knowing that abandonment and losing me was her biggest fear. The next week after that was spent beating myself up and trying to fix things. After explaining why I did what I did and what drove me to do it, she wrote me a letter.
She was just starting her BPD Therapy and told me "She know now why you did it, but the way you went about it was wrong. It was the same kind of emotional abuse my father did to me an my mother. I forgive you, but don't do it again because I won't have it."
"The reason I can't be in a relationship right now is because everytime I hurt you, I carried around this guilt. My feelings lead to fear, fear to actions, actions to hurting you, hurting you to feeling like I'm not worthy of being your girlfriend. That is why I have to be in therapy, to heal and learn how to love and depend on myself, so that I can finally let others love me. I love you so much and you're an amazing guy.I think we should remain close, no demanding of each other and no strings attached. (I asked what she meant by this and she said it doesn't mean we can flirt and start having sexual relations with other people) If I start to heal and you still have feelings for me, then I'd like to give us another shot" <-- (Shortened version)
Since then we have tried to remain close. But now we have this situations where I'm being fed mixed messages constantly. I can't make sense of it all in my brain and when I go to her and talk about it, the conversation sours very quickly. If I ask too many questions and look for answers or just trying to ask and find out what she's up to. Then I'm clingy, claiming and controlling. If I leave her alone for a day or so to do her own thing, she will message me asking why we don't talk as much anymore, saying stuff like "I guess you got over me now or what are you doing? Talking to other girls?". I feel stuck in the middle and confused about what is expected of me and what I'm actually supposed to be doing?
Even the breakup reason doesn't make sense anymore. "We broke up because you used emotional blackmail and broke our trust", "We broke up so I can be alone, focused and heal through therapy", "We broke up because you were being clingy and controlling."
I've asked her before if she would like to get back together and give it another go. She tells me "I don't know". I get she doesn't want to get back together right this moment and I am fully committed to wait for her as long as it takes because I love her and want her to succeed in her goals. But in the meantime this whole push/pull, combined with the "We're not getting back together" - "I never said we'll never get back together" - "I don't know if we'll ever get back together" is making things increasingly confusing for me to the point that I don't know if we're in this situation because she does feel I am being clingy and wants to see me evolve and improve myself or If she is waiting for change within herself first or if I'm being played with and she has no intention of returning to a relationship and just wants a buddy.
I know that is a lot to take in and I hope I haven't confused anybody too much
. I will expand on things if needed. The reality of the situation is we're both as guilty as each other I guess... .
