Does he want to hear 'I'm disappointed'?

[PeppermintTea]

My dBPDh and I are doing well at the moment. We have some differences over parenting styles but on the whole we’re communicating much better and today things are good. However there is something  about our communication that I find a bit odd and wondered if anyone else gets this and what you do about it.

It’s to do with my husband having sole responsibility for things that affect me and how we communicate and resolve things. It’s usually to do with a ‘project’. So in January my husband brought a scrap 4x4 for parts. His plan was use what he needed then dismantle the rest and sell what he could before scrapping it.  This was to take a ‘few weeks’. He raised with me that he thought I might not like the idea of it sitting on the drive and I remember saying something like “Yes it does annoy me having it there but I understand what you’re doing and I trust you to take care of it.” Anyway after a couple of months and nothing being done to it I was planning birthdays and things for this summer and I said “You know in August I’m planning to have daughters birthday out there with a bouncy castle so it will need to be gone by then.” Husband was all calm about it and agreed and told me how he planned to get that done…... Nothing happened. I haven’t said any more about it till Friday when I said “Husband, it’s daughters birthday on Sunday. The bouncy castle is hired and I intend to have the party where I planned it. I’m a bit disappointed the scrap is still there shall I call my brother to move it tomorrow?” At which point he called his dad and spent literally 12 hours on Saturday moving scrap, cleaning the yard and getting things ready.”

Now he didn’t disreg or get angry, we haven’t fallen out over this (which we would have done 2 years ago. In the past I would have asked him about it all the time instead of leaving it to him and not really mentioning it. That always used to result in huge arguments (because really who wants to be nagged all the time!) ).

I just find it very odd that he has to wait until I’m ‘disappointed’ before he leaps into action. It’s like those words are his motivator and until I say them he isn’t motivated to take action… I suppose that I find it frustrating because even though he has things that are ‘his responsibility’ I always in the back of my mind need a plan B for how I’ll handle it if he doesn’t step up. Also I feel bad when I say I’m disappointed in a situation… I don’t want to knock him but that was the truth of it in that situation I was disappointed. It seems like he almost wants to hear that from me (which is a bit worrying).



Does anybody else have this?

PT

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[formflier]

 

I think you handled it well... .and... .I hope you can focus on him "handling it"... .rather than how long it sat there.

I'm assuming the bouncy thing hire went well... .and the scrap go moved... correct?

You were disappointed... you told him... .he took action... .   Without a big dysreg... .this is good!

FF

[an0ught]

I think it is not always clear what is important and what not. What is urgent and what not. Whether to bother about something urgent or important or not since it may not be truly a need. There is also some inclination to resist controlling requests. There are about a thousand reasons or more not to do stuff. Some are actually valid.

Sometimes it takes an escalation to indicate what is truly important. In order to be effective in the long run escalations should not be the rule and should be justified.

To me it sounds like you have a way to escalate and get his attention when you truly need to. It is also worth noting that "I'm disappointed" may validate him (as he may be disappointed of himself and he may sense your true disappointment so you are really honest). That allows him to hear the request later better (SET format).

And yes the words you seem to need to use to get through to him could be an indication of other stuff e.g. the way he grew up. It may be worth over time to shift to other phrases from your side. What other words would you like to use when alerting him that world is soon falling of a cliff?

[thisagain]

How long ago was "You know in August I’m planning to have daughters birthday out there with a bouncy castle so it will need to be gone by then"? Is there a chance he just forgot? My pwBPD is constantly preoccupied by the latest crisis, fight with family, perceived persecution, etc so she has a lot of trouble remembering things she needs to do.

Overall it still sounds like a success! Though I understand it must have been stressful to see the scrap out there for months and not know if he was going to come through.

I've been following this thread with interest as I have the same experience sometimes. For example, I've been reminding my partner for months that I need her to clean her stuff out of my old apartment, and she doesn't do it until I become visibly anxious because I'm afraid I'll have to do it all myself.

Also there were several months when she was having more intense BPD symptoms, and I couldn't get her to change anything about how she treated me unless I threatened to break up with her. I could not get through at all by telling her that her actions hurt me; I had to escalate everything into a dealbreaker just to get her attention. It was really stressful for both of us and also led to some inconsistency on my part because I didn't see some of the things as actual dealbreakers, but I just didn't know how else to get her to listen.

[PeppermintTea]

How long ago was "You know in August I’m planning to have daughters birthday out there with a bouncy castle so it will need to be gone by then"? Is there a chance he just forgot? My pwBPD is constantly preoccupied by the latest crisis, fight with family, perceived persecution, etc so she has a lot of trouble remembering things she needs to do.

It was April when I said that to him. I know he didn't forget because periodically he'd say "I really need to get that scrap sorted don't I?' ... .and then promptly get back to his XBox. 

Maybe I'm just making a big deal about the 'disappointment' thing but I do find that unsettling. It is truly as if until I say the magic words "I'm disappointed" he doesn't fully get himself into gear.

I should add this isn't the first (and sure won't be the last) situation where this has occurred. In the past I would bring it up again and again trying to get him to do what he said he would do. That didn't work for us at all. I remember when we were trying to sell our old house and the kitchen needed tiling - he said he would do it, I asked him every day to do it, in the end I tiled that kitchen myself the day before someone was coming to view it and he moaned and whinged about my tiling skills for ages... .  I just smiled and said "At least I did it"!

Since then he will actually eventually do what he said he will do but it seems only when timing is right down to the wire or I say "I'm disappointed".

I feel a lot of judgement attached to 'I'm disappointed'... .I think that's my upbringing though. Maybe dBPDh doesn't hear judgement attached to that statement at all and it's just my perception. I might ask him about it if the time ever feels right for such a question.

I suppose to me 'I'm angry' or 'I'm upset' sound less judgmental than 'I'm disappointed' but I don't know why... .

Thanks for the input folks.