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Author Topic: Who's Crazy Now?  (Read 464 times)
martillo
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« on: August 18, 2015, 11:41:57 PM »

UBPD alcoholic H got home this evening and I know he has been working himself into a dysregulation.  I  am usually better at this but tonight I lost it.  I am ashamed of who it made me feel like I have become.  It was ugly; it was bad and my fault because I didn't step away from the dysregulation - jumped right in the middle of the toxic mess when I could have walked away.  
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« Reply #1 on: August 19, 2015, 05:32:18 AM »

UBPD alcoholic H got home this evening and I know he has been working himself into a dysregulation.  I  am usually better at this but tonight I lost it.  I am ashamed of who it made me feel like I have become.  It was ugly; it was bad and my fault because I didn't step away from the dysregulation - jumped right in the middle of the toxic mess when I could have walked away.  

We've all been there... .and done that.

Sometimes I get tired of following the rules... .and just let things get said.  There are consequences... .but I have rules and the power that comes with them to put things back together.

 

What do you think the appropriate next step is?

FF
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ptilda
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« Reply #2 on: August 19, 2015, 09:22:22 AM »

Don't beat yourself up. Been there, done that. Last night uBPDh brought me to urgent care with 102 temp, and started trying to start things. I reacted. But the he said, "don't you have anyone else you can call to help you," and I said "even of I do, you're my HUSBAND! I SHOULD call you first." He said, "that's true." Um ok.

Thing about BPs, they know there's something "off." Just cause they won't always face it, they know that they are difficult. He told me that before. I have some free "passes."
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Cloudy Days
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« Reply #3 on: August 19, 2015, 01:25:34 PM »

Thing about BPs, they know there's something "off." Just cause they won't always face it, they know that they are difficult. He told me that before. I have some free "passes."

I have went off on my husband in a car before, outright screamed at him, cried, called him names. For some reason he was ok that day and said. ":)o you feel better? I think you deserved to do that." Has only happened once or twice but it let me know that he's knows about being off. 

As for you going off, it happens, we weren't given anger as an emotion for it to never be used. At some point pressure has to release.
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« Reply #4 on: August 19, 2015, 04:44:11 PM »

I agree, if you bottle all your frustrations/anger up it will just make you physically ill.
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martillo
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« Reply #5 on: August 19, 2015, 06:45:13 PM »

I have been in this place before and gutted it out and as a by-product forced my kids to gut it out. 

H has a major dysregulation, usually requiring that the cops get called, every summer - usually in July - oo, aren't we lucky that we had a 1 month reprieve... .I think it is maybe time to think very hard about the damage that the toxicity of this relationship has done and is doing to my kids.   

DS19 confronted H today about his behavior last night and it escalated to physical punches.  H knows exactly the right buttons to push to push each and everyone of us over the edge.  I can't keep doing this to my kids. 

I have always been a "staying" bpdfamily member - I think I need to find a new direction.
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« Reply #6 on: August 19, 2015, 07:28:09 PM »

I have always been a "staying" bpdfamily member - I think I need to find a new direction.

 

When things get physical... .changes need to be made.  I hope this can be a turning point for good in your family... .

After discipline got out of hand at my house... .we ended up in family T... .and ultimately... .this lead to a better place for the entire family.  I knew there was no going back...

There have been no spankings in my house in well over a year... .

You can decide things will change... .you husband may... .or may not come along with the changes.

How can we support you during this time?

FF
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ptilda
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« Reply #7 on: August 20, 2015, 02:16:55 AM »

Thing about BPs, they know there's something "off." Just cause they won't always face it, they know that they are difficult. He told me that before. I have some free "passes."

I have went off on my husband in a car before, outright screamed at him, cried, called him names. For some reason he was ok that day and said. ":)o you feel better? I think you deserved to do that." Has only happened once or twice but it let me know that he's knows about being off. 

As for you going off, it happens, we weren't given anger as an emotion for it to never be used. At some point pressure has to release.

Um, yeah. I did the outburst in the car thing. He responded by looking at me with an evil smirk of disdain which made me rage momentary and pound my fist into his leg and chest (I was driving), pull of onto an exit ramp, and squeal tires stopping so I could sob. He responded by calling the police on me.

Your mileage may vary! Hahah

But that was the ONE time I went crazy. He went crazy for 5 months to make me crazy for 5 minutes. . . I'd say it's justified.
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Cloudy Days
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« Reply #8 on: August 20, 2015, 10:21:18 AM »

Um, yeah. I did the outburst in the car thing. He responded by looking at me with an evil smirk of disdain which made me rage momentary and pound my fist into his leg and chest (I was driving), pull of onto an exit ramp, and squeal tires stopping so I could sob. He responded by calling the police on me.

Your mileage may vary! Hahah

But that was the ONE time I went crazy. He went crazy for 5 months to make me crazy for 5 minutes. . . I'd say it's justified.

I have also went off and it made things 10 times worse too, The thing in the car isn't typical of him. I also remember coming home from my Grandfather's funeral and my husband is triggered by death so it was an especially hard week. He made me laugh about something during a good time, we truly were having fun at the moment, and I just started bawling uncontrollably.  
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sweetheart
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« Reply #9 on: August 20, 2015, 11:17:29 AM »

I have always been a "staying" bpdfamily member - I think I need to find a new direction.

 

When things get physical... .changes need to be made.  I hope this can be a turning point for good in your family... .

How can we support you during this time?

FF

Hi Martillo, 

I'm sorry to hear that the situation at home has become so difficult. When kids are involved like your son was, I would like to echo ff in asking what can we do for your family to help things become less volatile?

I can hear in your posts frustration and maybe some anger, I understand how high levels of toxicity in your life can really damage your emotional state overtime. I understand too reacting to your h's outbursts.

Your decision to question whether to stay is a healthy one for you and your children, given the type of dysregulations you describe.

Do you and the children have a Safety Plan, just in case ? I'm glad to hear that you felt able to call the police to deal with the situation, I too have been in the position where the police were called in the past, for me it was important to not try and deal with my dBPDh's extreme dysregulated behaviour, but to take care of my son.

Take care and let us know how things are.
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martillo
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« Reply #10 on: August 20, 2015, 07:33:54 PM »

H is at our vacation rental home licking his wounds so immediate needs are ok. 

I had to tell DS19 that he needs to find another place to live.  This makes the 3rd time that it has escalated to physical blows between DS19 and H.  DS19 has always been the black sheep w H - it broke my heart, and DS19 is so angry w me, but I did it for his safety. 

@Sweetheart and FF - Thank you for your support - my head knows all the "right" things to do for safety, to defuse the bad situations, to recognize that H has a disease... .I think though that I have detached and detached and detached until there is so very little connection at all anymore... .I guess my heart just isn't in it anymore. 
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formflier
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« Reply #11 on: August 20, 2015, 08:45:12 PM »

 

What boundaries can be put in place... .to reduce the likelihood of another incident like this?

Remember... .hubby doesn't have to like the boundaries... .

FF
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Ysabel

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« Reply #12 on: August 20, 2015, 09:06:42 PM »

I lost it last month and screamed "I hate you. I want a divorce" after many many months of SET, no JADING, researching BPD, educating myself, determining to be the strong one, etc. Not that any of those positives ways to interact with pwBPD are wrong, but in my case, they seemed to be creating even more of a monster, a malignant narcissistic 58 year old toddler! The more I focus on hw BPD, the worse he gets! Well, I guess 180 degrees from sick is still sick! Back to the drawing board. I have to find a balance between self denial and overindulgence ! Oh and one trick I have found helps me, I changed his name on my phone from his name to:" Don't Take this Personally! " Now I have a way to remember our motto!
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ptilda
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« Reply #13 on: August 21, 2015, 01:25:01 AM »

I lost it last month and screamed "I hate you. I want a divorce" after many many months of SET, no JADING, researching BPD, educating myself, determining to be the strong one, etc. Not that any of those positives ways to interact with pwBPD are wrong, but in my case, they seemed to be creating even more of a monster, a malignant narcissistic 58 year old toddler! The more I focus on hw BPD, the worse he gets! Well, I guess 180 degrees from sick is still sick! Back to the drawing board. I have to find a balance between self denial and overindulgence ! Oh and one trick I have found helps me, I changed his name on my phone from his name to:" Don't Take this Personally! " Now I have a way to remember our motto!

I should try that. My husband, every time he would regulate from a dys, he'd come back and say, "you know I won't leave you because I only have one word!" Meaning his word is his bond and when he commits that's good as done. Well words and reality are FAR removed in the world of hubby, but I think it might be helpful to change his name to "One Word!"  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Not only to add some humor, but maybe that can be my motto from now on . . . never use a sentence or paragraph to say what could have been said in one word! haha
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Ysabel

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« Reply #14 on: August 21, 2015, 06:48:59 AM »

I'm sorry to hear that violence has been a part of your experience with hw BPD. It has been mine too. My hw BPD signed up for a voluntary domestic violence program a few weeks ago, it was that or go to jail. He is on all sorts of medication as well. I started on an antidepressant too, first time in my life, just to protect my brain from all the trauma. My hw BPD also does not live in the house with the kids and I. My sons (4 of them) have already attacked him and caused injury when he was dysregulating and coming after me. I don't want them to have a record!
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martillo
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« Reply #15 on: August 23, 2015, 09:14:58 PM »

FF - your question of boundaries is one that I am very seriously pondering.  I wasn't at home when the incident went down between DS19 and H and DS19 wasn't home the night before for my and H's ugly argument - DD12 shared it with him... .and DS19 and H have their own issues due to lots of things.

H's parents just relocated from several states away back into the house next door to us due to health problems after a 10 yr absence.

H's mom has early dementia and I believe is also uBPD and his dad has some very disordered thinking so ... .the new dynamics are a little overwhelming and the additional chaos and drama has our family is crisis.  In-laws are major boundary busters but I actually did pretty well when they lived here before.  At that time though, they were able bodied and while they lived in the same town - not next door.



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sweetheart
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« Reply #16 on: August 24, 2015, 08:42:02 AM »

Hi martillo,

The change in proximity and deterioration in health of his FOO definitely sound overwhelming, especially after a 10 year abscence!

How does your h usually cope with and around his parents? Does his stress increase in relation to his family ?

It sounds like there could have been increasing stressors building around this change for all of you. I understand how stressful extended family with health problems can be.

What would help to bring the family out of the 'crisis' state you mention? You started by mentioning boundaries, here is a link that might help, https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries.

How is your son, has he moved out yet?

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martillo
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« Reply #17 on: August 24, 2015, 03:41:03 PM »

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=238679.msg12541665#msg12541665

Sweetheart:  Here is a link (I hope I did it correctly!) to something I had posted a while back regarding my Elderly In-laws and the possibility of them re-locating near us.  Yes, they are a huge trigger for uBPDh, but most anything can be a trigger for him - he has a hair-point stress trigger. 

H and DS19 decided that it would be a good idea for DS19 to move in w H's parents when they relocated here.  I adamantly disagreed and let both of them know my feelings.  H wants to "let DS19 have his freedom but be able to keep a close eye on him."  (Enmeshment is a strong family trait - H had sort of climbed out of the enmeshment net after his parents moved back to their home state 10 years ago - now he is right back in it!)  Plan was for DS19 to "help" with their day-to-day needs and his "pay" will be a bedroom at their house.  Well, as I suspected, it is not working out (after less than 3 weeks) and DS19 decided to angrily let H (his dad) know the other day which was the beginning of the blow-up.  DS19 was out of line - so was H.

H's parents are very needy, coming across as pretty ungrateful (I tried to put the brakes on all this because I saw this coming but we bought the house for them that they moved into, paid for packers and U-haul and traveled 2000 miles, loaded all their stuff, and brought it here, adding a bathroom that is handicap accessible, providing some paid and some free labor to help unpack boxes), demanding, intolerant and generally not a whole lot of fun to be around.  I can handle all that except it triggers H.

H has no tolerance and patience for any of their problems or needs and never has (and the old saying is true - how a man treats his mother is how you should expect him to treat you - I was always shocked at the level of disrespect he has for his mother then I got to be on the receiving end... .)

I need to determine what boundaries need to be in place w H's parents and what new boundaries I need to set with H.  And I am still evaluating why I even should be staying with H. 

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« Reply #18 on: August 24, 2015, 08:47:20 PM »

FF - your question of boundaries is one that I am very seriously pondering.  I wasn't at home when the incident went down between DS19 and H and DS19 wasn't home the night before for my and H's ugly argument - DD12 shared it with him... .and DS19 and H have their own issues due to lots of things.

Tough spot to be in ... .since you were not there. 

I would focus less on figuring out what happened or determining fault for this incident... .and more on how to prevent future ones. 

What is the strategy each "warring party" will use to de-escalate. 

It would seem that moving one of them out has already been decided.  Correct?

Do you think this is enough?

FF
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