Tired of this, but enduring.

[FacePalmYetAgain]

My uBPD SO has been off kilter lately. I put her through college because she did not want to be a "dumb stay at home mom" to use her terminology ( ironic, because because she insisted on having kids and didn't want to work). Now that she has a degree and a very promising job interview lined up, she's freaking out because she's afraid that once she starts working, our family (extended) will start to heal. I actually caught her accidentally admitting that she deliberately split the family up and kept it fractured in order to keep herself the center of attention. ( long story involving lots of BPD sickness and an exchange of vindictive emails with in-laws ).

This anxiety or fear of abandonment is causing her to blow up over all sorts of things lately. I'm trying to take the high road on this, so to speak, and not feed into it, but today I snapped. I called her out on her behavior and made it abundantly clear that I knew what she was doing. She freaked out and said she wanted a divorce, so I called her bluff and said, "OK, fine". She then blamed me for wanting a divorce now that she has a degree and is on the verge of getting a job. Why am I not surprised... .

I know she's sick in the head and I try hard to validate her feelings, but today I was out of patience and was in no mood to be a straw-man for her misdirected anger. To be quite honest, if she left, it would be a terrific relief, so I certainly won't discourage that all. I would leave, but I simply can't afford to support myself, my kids and her along with a second rent, utility payments and all her perceived needs as a divorce would result in her getting half of my income which neither of us could live on.

On the positive side, I'm grateful for this site. Reading about how other folks are putting up with the same exact emotional abuse is quite a relief. At least I know now that it's not me, it's her disorder that is to blame.

Tonight is going to be a long night. In about two and a half hours from now, she'll break her silence and start pestering me about all her perceived injustices and so on - mainly because she will have insomnia and will need to blame someone else so she can sleep. (She is stewing right now) If I play the straw-man, she will wear herself out and go to sleep at my emotional expense. I can shrug it off, but the aggravation will still smolder inside of me. I don't think that's good. I can try validating her fears and so on, but at this point, I am pretty angry at her and don't really care to help her, though that sentiment will likely change in a few hours from now. I feel bad saying that, but it's the truth. One again, I'll probably get stuck with the crappy end of the stick - voluntarily throwing the short term game in order to win the long term game.

Anyway, I just needed to vent/complain.

Thanks,

FPYA

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