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Skills we were never taught
98
A 3 Minute Lesson
on Ending Conflict
Communication Skills-
Don't Be Invalidating
Listen with Empathy -
A Powerful Life Skill
Setting Boundaries
and Setting Limits
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Author Topic: I think I am going to have to end this, PLEASE can I get some opinions?  (Read 425 times)
Infern0
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« on: August 19, 2015, 05:44:44 AM »

So I think this week may have been the final straw, as you may or may not know, we have been on the "edge" of recycling for the last 6 weeks or so since getting back in touch after NC, this would be 3rd recycle, I have learned from each one. We have had some physicality, but I kind of wanted to really work on things, she says she loves me, wants to as well etc but a lot of talk not much action really.

Anyway she had been asking for a while about this gift she wanted, she isn't usually like that and never asks for things but she mentioned this once or twice along with "i'll do anything you want me to if you get it ;-)". etc.

This made me uncomfortable and I didn't consider it because I have no interest in "buying love" and I thought it'd set a bad precident plus it's just gross, like oh i buy you this and what, we can have sex? Get lost i'm not even going to dignify that.

but she asked a couple of times and I knew she had a bad day the other day as her mother was taken ill (but ended up ok) she actually called me crying (most emotion i've seen in a while) so I bought the gift. I said I didn't want anything for it I just wanted to cheer her up, and I actually made a point to have somewhere to be and need to leave very quickly, so as to demonstrate that i just wanted to give it to her and leave. she was very greatful and was really nice to me but then I "messed up" and told her i loved her too and then BOOM, NC.

Typically this will last a few days so i knew the drill, back off 10 yards and wait to hear from her in a few days.

Anyway, I don't think that anything is really recoverable from this position, she will come back with the small talk sure but it'll be the same story all talk no action.

I have tried to be patient, I guess it's only been 6 weeks, patience, not reacting, understanding etc. The problem is this stuff KILLS her attraction for me as I become the "nice guy" role which as we all know borderlines utterly detest, so it's like I either treat her like a jerk, ignore her texts for ages, act really blunt and blase, and then she'll come running but that's just not me so i won't do it.

I just dont feel like there is any "winning strategy" here and if she won't even attempt to meet me in the middle then whats the point?

Honest opinions?

Am i expecting too much?

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enlighten me
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« Reply #1 on: August 19, 2015, 06:20:12 AM »

Hi inferno

The one honest opinion you need to listen to is yours. Cut out the emotion and listen to logic. You know the answer you just dont want to see it.

One thing ive realised is that we are resiliant. We do bounce back and move on.
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Infern0
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« Reply #2 on: August 19, 2015, 06:28:26 AM »

Hi inferno

The one honest opinion you need to listen to is yours. Cut out the emotion and listen to logic. You know the answer you just dont want to see it.

One thing ive realised is that we are resiliant. We do bounce back and move on.

It's ironic

Logically she should want to be with me, but emotionally she can't

Emotionally I want to be with her but logically I shouldn't
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enlighten me
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« Reply #3 on: August 19, 2015, 06:34:51 AM »

Logically can you continue in a relationship like that?

I loved my ex but couldnt live with her any longer. It wasnt good for either of us.
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formflier
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« Reply #4 on: August 19, 2015, 07:36:49 AM »

 

Inferno,

I've had a hard time setting logic aside.  When I have... .I seem to have better results.

Relationships are not "logical"... .they are emotional.

That's where the "battlefield" is... .like it or not.

Then... .you are in a r/s with someone that has an "emotional disorder".

Well... that's just going to put things on steroids... .amplify things.

My advice is to focus on her emotions and staying more centered than her... .while following her lead.

So... .if she says I love you... .you are the best... .forever and ever amen... .

Your response... "I love you too... ."

If she switches to " I hate you... .never again... .blah blah blah... ."

You... "this is troubling... ."

Do you see how you are staying to the center... .while she is flitting about from one extreme to the other.  

The hope is that as you stay in the center... .she will calm... .and her swings will be less extreme...

Then... .you can have more intimate conversations... .you can "mess up" and say I love you... .and when she "goes off"... .it will be less extreme.

Can you find empathy for her... .that she feels unlovable (most likely) ?

Hang in there... .staying is not easy... .but I think it is worth it.

FF
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Infern0
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« Reply #5 on: August 19, 2015, 06:11:25 PM »

I certainly do have empathy for her, im not angry at her. She can't help the way her mind works.

It's just so hard,  being that im not as codependent as I used to be I can honestly say im worthy of better treatment than this, but im still working through my own issues, and it would be nice to have some support or reassurance for once.  I don't have the same ability to draw energy from white knighting like I used to. 

Im confused as to who I am anymore, I honestly wish she'd given me longer between recycles I was doing well at my self work but I hadn't finished and now I feel like some sort of hybrid.
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« Reply #6 on: August 19, 2015, 09:07:20 PM »

Sometimes we must be strong enough to set the boundaries we need to keep our sanity especially when the recycles are one after anothrr. It's a tough balance. If you lose it and walk out she will probably hate you then beg for you to come back and greet you with that over the top I love you hugs and kisses it's all her fault stuff but it's such an extreme switch that it might spark a more extreme disregulation in the other direction. You Can set your boundaries. Without fighting or yelling by just being neutral in the center don't condemn her or defend yourself when she says nasty things about you- you know they aren't true anyway. These are the times when you just can't take her seriously.  Let her say whatever she wants and then move out of earshot.  If she keeps chasing you around define your space tell her if she keeps it up you will go for a.drive or walk or something because you can'tlisten right now. Then,  do it if you have to and take the time you need to catch your breath. You gotta remember to keep yourself healthy if you are going to stay with her because she will, without even realizing it, suck you emotionally dry.  Work on yourself first do what it takes and you will be strong enough to make choices and deal with the cycles better.  God bless
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Infern0
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« Reply #7 on: August 20, 2015, 01:30:23 AM »

I think the hardest thing to me, and something a friend said to me:

"At the end of the day, if she wanted to be with you, she would"

And I can't shake that thought, as I said before there is no reason we can't spend time together, she lives 5 minutes away from me and in the last 6 weeks we haven't had one "date", we have met briefly several times, she will not agree to a date, always excuses along the lines of busy, sick, etc etc. Yet she will go for dinner dates with her girlfriends etc but no time for me.

I just feel like i'm fighting a losing battle, she doesn't appear to be putting much effort in and I feel all I am is a placeholder until she idealizes someone new she meets then i'll be the chump.

I don't know what to do, I just had enough tbh. I'm not going to do anything rash, i need to try and clear my head.
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patientandclear
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« Reply #8 on: August 20, 2015, 09:09:20 AM »

There's probably nothing TO do, is the thing. That's tough and requires work on the idea of letting go of the outcome, and letting go of the hope of controlling events. Tough for some of us.

This woman you care for has a super hard time with genuine intimacy. Engulfment is a big barrier for her.

I'm sure some of the suggestions here feel frustrating because, sure, you could do that if you WERE with her and interacting ... .but you're not. She'll have to make a shift to change that, and maybe she will. If you tell her you love her and she has a hard time processing, that doesn't mean you did something wrong. She really struggles with closeness and you want to be close. She may or may not choose to come closer again in a way that will make practicing some of the FF ideas possible. I know that uncertainty is hard to bear.
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« Reply #9 on: August 20, 2015, 10:18:39 AM »

so you might have to ask yourself  ... .are you intent on making this the perfect relationship? you have a picture in your head about what your expectations are for it to be good ... right?  well if you are going to stay then you might have to throw all that out the window because she will never let that happen. you might think that its getting better its heading in the right direction she gets it - as soon as you do she will pull the rug out from under your feet. thats just kinda how it goes with BPD sometimes.

try to take the mindset that if she wants to be with you its up to her - because ultimately it is. if you beg her to be with you (in one way or another) she will just pull back more - not a safe place for her. ( thats a turn of for most girls even non-BPD)

just go enjoy being with yourself do stuff you like to do - always do that even when she is there. Dont be afraid that if you say no about something she will blow up - expect it and go on and let her figure out that she knows what you are about. the more you make compromises in your head to please her the more you drive yourself nuts and the more your self-confidence dwindles. which she will pick up on see you as weak and be distant again.
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formflier
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« Reply #10 on: August 20, 2015, 01:14:59 PM »

"At the end of the day, if she wanted to be with you, she would"

I DO NOT think this is good advice for "non"... .

Many people with PDs have the knack to self sabotage what they want... .need... .

Sometimes... .sometimes... .if you can lessen anxiety and conflict... .the self sabotaging thing gets better.

To be clear... .I don't know enough about your significant other to have an opinion or her... .

Please don't consider that bad advice anymore... .

FF
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apollotech
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« Reply #11 on: August 20, 2015, 08:38:21 PM »

This woman you care for has a super hard time with genuine intimacy. Engulfment is a big barrier for her.

Hi Infern0,

I agree with P&C, I too believe her engulfment issues are what's causing her to leave the relationship. When you become aloof guy rather than nice guy that triggers her fear of abandonment and she comes a runnin' back.

Has she ever bargained with you during these separation times, told you what she was capable of providing---sex, friendship, etc.? She may also be telling you what she's not capable of in statements such as I'm not relationship material, I can't do relationships, etc. IMHO, those types of statements usually translate into intimacy issues. I think you're going to have to take a close look at what she's capable of, what she offers, before you can developed a workable game plan to move forward with her, assuming you choose to do that.
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