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Author Topic: Still Riding the Crazy Train  (Read 507 times)
Rockylove
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« on: August 19, 2015, 07:30:23 AM »

As some of you know, my uBPDh suffered a major stroke last October.  He hasn't regained the use of his right hand (yes, he's right handed), has only minor movement in his right arm.  He is gaining strength in his right leg, but still needs a quad-cane for stability when walking.  His cognitive center took a huge hit and his speech is impaired. 

Long story short... .A friend came to live with us to help us out (which helps him out as well), but I'm still finding myself overwhelmed.  My "to do" list is enormous and our friend has only taken over 2 of the daily chores. 

uBPDh still having rages and has refused to continue the anti-depressants the doctor prescribed.  He has bouts of sadness, crying and feeling worthless.  He is doing impulsive and irrational things and has been soliciting our friend's assistance when he can't accomplish it on his own (like driving to the bank and closing our joint account)  He's told me that I now have to pay all of my own expenses even though I've not worked since his stroke and have to find a way to make money as I'm not all that desirable in the business world due to my age and health issues.

I've been a royal mess.  My back has been giving me grief causing tremendous pain (I have no disks in my lower back).  I hardly have energy enough to go out and do something fun~~and when I do, I come home to a mess.  I've added a few extra glasses of wine to dull the pain and I feel I'm never on top of my game any more.  I feel deflated.  I have been re-reading the Eggshell book in hopes it will recharge my batteries.  I have to pretend to be strong and unaffected by all the garbage that is being thrown at me. 

So... .I guess I'm venting here in hopes of hearing some words of wisdom and encouragement.
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formflier
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« Reply #1 on: August 19, 2015, 07:41:59 AM »

 

Rockylove,

Good to hear from you again!  Sorry it's under these circumstances... .   

Can you ask the live in to pick up more "slack"?

You are in a tough pickle... .you want to help your hubby... .and you want to listen less to the bad things he has to say.

Put on your own O2 mask first... .

If you get wiped out... .where does that leave your hubby... ?

I'll check back on you later.

FF
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Rockylove
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« Reply #2 on: August 19, 2015, 08:14:19 AM »

Yes, formflier... .I can ask, but I don't.  It's something I need to work on.  I'm really bad at asking for help.  It's debilitating. 
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formflier
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« Reply #3 on: August 19, 2015, 08:22:03 AM »

Yes, formflier... .I can ask, but I don't.  It's something I need to work on.  I'm really bad at asking for help.  It's debilitating. 

We are kinda in the same boat.  Finances aren't the best for me right now.  Unemployed at the moment. 

So... lots of things get put off. 

I ended up asking my Dad to pay for an order of parts I needed to work on my trailers.  I literally... wouldn't have the $$ until the first of the month. 

Anyway... he was happy to.  The next day he stopped by to see me... .again said he was really glad I reached out to him... .

He then shared a story about his r/s with his Father.  One time his Dad (elderly) came to see him... .and they were in grocery store together.  His Dad started loading up the cart with stuff... and my Dad tried to talk him out of it.

Granddad told him that he would much rather do things like this while he was around to see his son enjoy it... .rather than having his son inherit it.  Granddad teared up some while saying this.

Anyway... .my Dad said he feels the same way... .(my Dad is about 80 now... .had a bout with cancer... etc etc... )  :'(

Anyway... .sometimes accepting help from others is a blessing to them... .

My gut says you are like me... .you are comfortable helping others... uncomfortable receiving help.

Just do it... .and vow to yourself that when you get to a better place... .you will bless others more.

   

Please ask today... .looking forward to hearing how it went.

FF
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Rockylove
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« Reply #4 on: August 20, 2015, 06:05:54 AM »



Anyway... .sometimes accepting help from others is a blessing to them... .

My gut says you are like me... .you are comfortable helping others... uncomfortable receiving help.

Just do it... .and vow to yourself that when you get to a better place... .you will bless others more.[/quote]
I know it's true for myself.  Whenever I do something charitable, I feel better and good things generally happen for me.  It's been difficult since my husband's stroke... .seems I've been asking more than giving.

My dilemma:  Getting out of the house and doing some volunteer work feeds my soul, but how can I justify it when I can't even keep up here at home?
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Sadly
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« Reply #5 on: August 20, 2015, 06:18:57 AM »

Bless you my love, you dont really know how brave you are do you. When I think of the way I sit and cry because my sort of exBPD man is cruel, horrid and doesn't want me anymore its not on the scale of what you are dealing with. Shame on me.

Now for the asking for help.  I love to be asked for help, most people do, it's a win win all round and makes everyone happy. Ask away and make someone feel good, then you will too Smiling (click to insert in post)

surely if you have a joint account it has to have both signatures for closing it?

Try giving your husband soup every day for a week cos thats all you can afford.

I do hope all comes well for you.
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Rockylove
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« Reply #6 on: August 20, 2015, 05:46:32 PM »

surely if you have a joint account it has to have both signatures for closing it?

Try giving your husband soup every day for a week cos thats all you can afford.

I've been mulling it around my mind about the joint account.  I'll have to inquire at the bank, but I've been too busy trying to stay afloat to do it. 

I think he's having TSI's (mini strokes) but refuses to go to the doctor.  He said all the doctor will do is tell him to quit smoking and all he does is blame ME for him not being able to quit although I don't smoke around him.  UGH! 

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Rockylove
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« Reply #7 on: August 20, 2015, 05:48:21 PM »

PS... .no shame on you, Sadly!  You have every right to feel sadness about your situation!    
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JQ
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« Reply #8 on: August 20, 2015, 07:13:18 PM »

Rocky,

I feel for both you and your s/o for different reasons. I retired from active duty with a spinal cord injury that has left my right leg with permanent paralysis and numbness. I went 2 years of PT, to only hear the doc tell me what you have is what you have & it won't get better.  It was hard to come to grips with for me as I'm sure it was for your husband to learn the "new normal" when it comes to limitations.  I was angry much like your husband and was ordered to go to see the "doc" for PTSD & adjustment issues. Through ALOT of therapy, some EMDR therapy I was able to get to a better place but I still have my moments. I was running 8 miles a day when I was hurt, when I woke up in the hospital the docs told me I would never run again. I told the doc I sure as hope you got a C- in medschool because I"m out to prove you wrong doc!  I used a walker for 4 months, a cane for 5 and still on occasion walk with a limp ... .my leg is still numb besides partially paralyzed. But hey I'm walking. It took  ALOT to get me there!  You have to think of things from his perspective ... .a man is proud ... .the breadwinner ... .strong imposing force for all those who would do his family wrong ... .now we're limited ... .but I realized that there are brothers and sisters in much worse shape then me ... .but that realization came after much therapy. When you're alone ... .think how proud he must be, now sit there and imagine that the simple things in life you can't do. You can't feed yourself, you can't dress yourself, you can't take a shower or the basic human dignity of going to the bathroom by yourself ... .all of these I experienced and I can tell you ... . you do get depressed, angry, frustrated. You do feel worthless, that you have to depend on someone for everything from mouth to wiping your butt. And no matter what you do, no matter how hard you will it, no matter how hard you want your hand, your arm, your leg to move it won't & it's scary as hell.

That being said, you add to this that your husband is a yBPD and it only compounds the anxiety, the stress, the emotional upheaval you have and I truly wish I could wave a magic wand to make things better ... .I really do. I know the "to do list" must be long and must seem never ending ... .and helps with the anxiety level you have of feeling overwhelmed. You certainly need some assistance and some "me time"

So have you contacted social security yet? if you husband can't work because of his stroke you OR AKA he can apply for social security disalbity from the time it happen which is coming on a year. He can't work, probably won't so you're entitled to SSN & medicare. I would suggest that you enlist the help of your local congressman or Senator to expedite the process since you pay for their assistance already. I guarantee it'll take weeks vise months to get an answer back.

As far as the depression ... .it's understandable ... .since he won't "volunteer" to take the meds prescribe by a doc ... .you know ... .it's amazing what the FDA allows in water and food now a days under the Obama Administration ... .jus saying    a little ground up 5 mg of valium in his dinner ... .mixed in with the mac and cheese ... .I'm jus saying     From someone who has been there, sometimes I was my own worse enemy and I had to have the strength of a brother or sister in uniform to set me right. Is your husband a vet? There are programs that will help with assisted living ... .SO WILL SOCIAL SECURITY ... .they'll have someone come into the house to help care, bath for your loved one. If he is a vet I would suggest to enlist the help of the largest VFW or American Legion post in your area for help in getting help with the VA and the SSN. What is the worse that any of them ... .from the social security admin dept to the VA can say ... .NO? Then you can appeal SO GET SOME HELP AND LET THEM WORK FOR YOU INCLUDING YOUR SENATOR ... .CONGRESSMAN ... .CONGRESSWOMAN ... .it's a dang election year ... .let them earn your vote ... .its why you put them there.

Until that help comes through you need to take care of yourself ... .have a friend look over the "things to do list" and have them evaluate the list ... .you're thought process seems to have been to be pushed to the limits and needs some assistance. What REALLY needs to be done and WHAT can REALLY wait ?   You can only do so much in a giving day so do what you can ... .will the earth come to a shuddering halt on is axis if some things don't get done? Probably not so put things in prospective and you might need some help with that ... .and you know ... .that's ok ... .we all need a little help now and then and it's a sign of amazing strength to know when and ask for it not a sign of weakness ... .something I learned in therapy.

Don't pretend to anybody that you are stronger then you are ... .be real ... .be who you are ... .even Superman was reduced to a wet mess when Kryptonite was near ... .jus saying.  You are stronger then you believe ... .you have taken on so much ... .reach deep within yourself and find the strength for yourself ... .when you are week, emotional, stressed beyond your limited you are not only NOT good to yourself but those around you ... .it's ok to ask for help where ever you can get it.

As far as the bank accounts, financials, it's time to go to a lawyer and get some, what ever legal assistance & guidance you can from them in regards to finances, bank accounts etc. I won't pretend to offer legal advice but seek out a good lawyer for not only protecting yourself but both of you for impulse buying or reckless use of finances.

Finally, you need to take care of yourself ... .small bits of time at the very least to calm yourself, center yourself ... .get that glass of wine, relax, write down what needs to be done ie. SSN, Senator, Congressman, Lawyer, bank, VFW, American Legion etc ... .then what can wait ... .can you get someone to mow the lawn, boy scouts in the area are looking to earn badges for assisting those in need. MEALS ON WHEELS can help with that one hot meal a day and they want to help. Maybe Habitat for Humanity can help with building a ramp for your husband if their are stairs, if not try that VFW, Boyscouts, American Legion ... .there are so many people out there that want to help.

You can do this ... .you're stronger then you think ... .take a deep breath ... .have the glass of wine ... tomorrow is a new day ... .what doesn't get done will be there the day after ... .baby steps Rocky ... .you might take a step or two backward ... .but catch yourself and push through it ... .YOU CAN DO IT!

JQ
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Rockylove
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« Reply #9 on: August 20, 2015, 09:37:58 PM »

oh JQ... .all I can do is cry reading your post.  You're brave and strong.  I so admire you for pushing through the tough times and coming out better in the end.  You ROCK!

I'm strong, but it isn't just strength that's needed here.  I need to be one step ahead and on top of my game at all times.  It's impossible.  I have friends and family that would take me in, but ... .

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JQ
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« Reply #10 on: August 20, 2015, 10:44:34 PM »

oh JQ... .all I can do is cry reading your post.  You're brave and strong.  I so admire you for pushing through the tough times and coming out better in the end.  You ROCK!

I'm strong, but it isn't just strength that's needed here.  I need to be one step ahead and on top of my game at all times.  It's impossible.  I have friends and family that would take me in, but ... .

Rocky,    You have PVT message  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Thank you for the kind words ... .really    I know that there is so much more to this then being strong Rocky ... .and having been in more then one BPD relationship I completely understand what you're talking about being on the top of your game. I've had to learn a new BPD language and the behavior to go with it. I've had to learn how to validate, understand why the rage, triangulate, transfer, black/white, push/pull ... .it's all very demanding on your mind and soul.  Sometimes all you want is to go to bed away from it all and curl up and go to sleep, wake up and realize it's a bad dream. You want support but it's hard to find when friends or family don't really understand or might pass judgement on you for something they have no clue about ... .no judgement here  

So have you thought about your needs, your wants, your desires ... .and how your going to get them? You only get one life here ... .it's short and for no fault of your own, no reason you can be taken off this planet any given day. I was reminded of that very thing this week when i was hit by a car on a bicycle ride. Not to dramatic but 1/2 second more and I wouldn't be talking to you. So ... .do I want to live a good life without fear, mental/physical/emotional abuse ... .yes ... .  yes I do.  I'm like cat with 9 lives and by my count I have about 4 or 5 left ... .  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)   You have to keep a since of humor about life. 

Nothing is impossible ... .there is always a choice ... .we always have a choice ... .the ONLY limitations are the ones YOU put on yourself ... . 

JQ
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #11 on: August 20, 2015, 11:19:46 PM »

I'm strong, but it isn't just strength that's needed here.  I need to be one step ahead and on top of my game at all times.  It's impossible.  I have friends and family that would take me in, but ... .

No, you don't need to do that. You need to do your best. For yourself, and everybody else in your life.

Sometimes your best rocks this world. Sometimes successfully dragging yourself out of bed in the morning is your best. That's reality, and feeling guilty about it won't change it... .it won't even help you much on getting out of bed!

And better than always being one step ahead is knowing that you won't be sometimes. You will sometimes react badly to provocations from him. And you can recover from that when you need to. Both of you will survive it.

I just had a friend tell me how relieved she was as she realized she didn't have to be superwoman all the time anymore. (I commented that she would look great in the costume!)

You don't have to be superwoman.
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Rockylove
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« Reply #12 on: August 21, 2015, 09:35:55 AM »

No, you don't need to do that. You need to do your best. For yourself, and everybody else in your life.

Thank you for the reminder, Grey Kitty.  I DO do my best.  Lately I've just been feeling like my best has been drained out of me.  I suppose I needed to come back here to sort things through with people who understand that it's not just the stroke.  The stroke has just amplified matters.  Where's my darned magic wand when I need it?
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