His friend contacting me on social media---triangulating?

[shatra]

Hi---

   I am unsure what is going on with this--- my pwBPD says it's over between us, without giving a definite reason. We have been on breaks before but never a breakup before this.

   We have a mutual friend Ed on social media who lives 500 miles away---that person is going to visit my pwBPD in a couple of weeks.  After my being linked with Ed on social media for 3 years (and rarely having contact with him via social media) all of a sudden Ed has been all over my social media pages, making positive nice comments, etc.  Not flirtatious at all, just major reaching out.

   Ed is married and has no interest in me other than as a mutual friend, and he is really my ex's friend, not mine.  I know Ed and my ex were talking to each other about recent phone calls my ex and I had.

  Yet during those calls, my ex told me it's over and I should "find someone better than him"... .so I am confused about why Ed is doing all this activity towards me, and I don't feel comfortable asking him directly. Does this sound like triangulation, or something else?

Thank you

Shatra

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[formflier]

 

You are wise to be aware... .

But I would leave it at that... .if there is a "plot" or triangulation... .it will soon reveal itself... .and you can deal with it then.

If not... .then you just have an active person on social media... .

FF

[Pou]

you are smart to pick it up.  if i am you I would avoid all the drama and stay distant to Ed and your ex, just move on with your life.  since Ed is not really a friend of yours and more of your Ex's friend and he is married (unless you have romantic interest in him, which would even be worse... .).  I would just keep distance and avoid them at all cost. 

[shatra]

 Formflier----

   It seems unlikely that it's just an active person----he started reaching out right after ex and I had contact and ex told him about it,,,before this, Ed and I hadn't really connected much on social media in past 3 years.

  Pou----good advice. I don't feel ready to move on.   Wondering what this sudden contact is about----no, Ed and I do not have any romantic interest in each other.

Shatra

[formflier]

 

Shatra,

I totally agree... .99.9% positive this is a plot... to somehow influence things.

Be aware and let it play out.

Any time of questions will be an invitation for "them" to play victim... to say "how could you think that... ?"

Knowledge is power... .you have it... .how can you use that to your benefit... .to the benefit of the r/s?

FF

[shatra]

Yes formflier I have the knowledge---now I too am wondering what it means and how it affects the relationship.  I know that Ed the ex's friend wanted us to reunite.  He may be stepping into a triangle.

  Yet I am confused---if my ex had told Ed negative things about me or the relationship, I doubt that Ed would reach out to me.  So this tells me the ex might not have smeared me, though he told me it's over between us.

SHatra

[ptilda]

It's waiting for the inevitable dirty move that is the hardest. You're not sure which vital organs to protect first!

Fortunately my H is one who talks without giving much info. He calls everyone and tells them he wants to be back with me but doesn't know how, but then acts totally different. Fortunately he's gotten away from this. He tried some things with my mother and niece and pastor, but that got cut off quickly so all those individuals are pretty black to him.

[formflier]

Yes formflier I have the knowledge---now I too am wondering what it means and how it affects the relationship.  I know that Ed the ex's friend wanted us to reunite.  He may be stepping into a triangle.

  Yet I am confused---if my ex had told Ed negative things about me or the relationship, I doubt that Ed would reach out to me.  So this tells me the ex might not have smeared me, though he told me it's over between us.

SHatra

Most likely... .you are thinking too deeply about this.  Respond with tools (healthy responses) to what actually happens and gets said.

What he tells others... .is for others to hear.

Triangles aren't necessarily BAD... .but almost always... they are complicated.

FF

[shatra]

Ptilda wrote---

It's waiting for the inevitable dirty move that is the hardest. You're not sure which vital organs to protect first!

---Do u mean a dirty move by the BPD or by the mutual friend? My ex ended it with me and now his friend is reaching out to me.

Formflier wrote---

  Most likely... .you are thinking too deeply about this.  Respond with tools (healthy responses) to what actually happens and gets said.  What he tells others... .is for others to hear.

---I am thinking about it because it is confusing.  What the BPD tells others is for others to hear, that's true, but it influences others and influences me.  If he were telling the mutual friend negatives, I don't think the friend would be contacting me, and certainly not contacting me and saying positive things as he is.

  I use the tools, but I posted this hoping someone had a possible interpretation or similar experience.

[formflier]

---I am thinking about it because it is confusing. 

this is where the RA... .or Radical Acceptance... piece comes into play.  Putting energy into figuring out... something that can't be figured out... .is going to leave you worn out... .and still confused.

Learn broad patterns about the disorder... .not details... .that is what I mean by "thinking too deeply". (too exactly)

FF

[shatra]

It "can't be figured out"? There's no common experience or trend re: triangulation and BPD?

[formflier]

It "can't be figured out"? There's no common experience or trend re: triangulation and BPD?

What he is or isn't telling others... .the reasons why he does this.  Can't be figured out with any level of precision or reliability.

The common experience is it will get complicated.

If the other person in the triangle is not "healthy"... .DRAMA can quickly emerge...

FF

[shatra]

FF wrote

What he is or isn't telling others... .the reasons why he does this.  Can't be figured out with any level of precision or reliability.

The common experience is it will get complicated. If the other person in the triangle is not "healthy"... .DRAMA can quickly emerge...

---Yes, it likely will get complicated.  What he is/isnt' telling others and why he does it----again I"m looking for common BPD experiences. I assumed he would split me since he ended the relationship... .yet if he did so his friend would not be reaching out and wouldn't be positive towards me... .

  Why he would do this----could be he's telling the friend more positive things about me (again the common BPD splitting).

----The other person is healthy, but is more his friend than mine

-----Again, I'm not looking for a data spreadsheet of exact info... .I'm not that experienced in BPD triangles and am hoping for some experience or insight here on this.

SHatra

[ptilda]

Ptilda wrote---

It's waiting for the inevitable dirty move that is the hardest. You're not sure which vital organs to protect first!

---Do u mean a dirty move by the BPD or by the mutual friend? My ex ended it with me and now his friend is reaching out to me.

I mean the fact that we get so paranoid about what they are going to do next. What smear campaign or accusation or if they will call the police or if they will take us to court, or if he will send embarrassing and personal (sexual, but not bad) messages to my family, or record me for an hour of berating me and trying to force me to "confess" that I beat him and used him as my slave, and when I finally had an outburst of profanity and name-calling (after about 30 minutes of non-stop belittling), brings it to my pastor. I'm talking about the fact that we're so gun-shy that we look for monsters everywhere. It's hard to live with someone we feel is going to try to "take us down" at the next opportunity.

[Daniell85]

I have become extremely paranoid in this relationship. The thing about my boyfriend saying things about me to others is they then feel they are special to him and in a position of privilege. So they come and attack me on his behalf. It's awfully hard not to get sucked into it. Talking to directly to him gets me a ton of lies.

I end up with a choice of which liar to believe (none of them!) and to react on that (bad bad bad) or to consider to myself that probably I am better off ignoring them and going to doing something productive.

That has historically been horribly hard for me. I was baited today, and I thought about how badly the rest of my day would end up if I responded. (see, I learn   )

Speculating and winding up over the speculations... .here be monsters.

[shatra]

 I can understand how people would be upset over what is being said about them by the BPD (sometimes becoming a smear campaign)

   In my case, there are no lies being told about me as far as I know.  The mutual friend is reaching out and saying positives about me.  He will be visiting my ex BPD for a local conference. I assumed BP would split me black since he ended the relationship... .yet if he did so his friend would not be reaching out and the friend wouldn't be positive towards me... .

  I wonder if it could be BP's telling the friend more positive things about me (again the common BPD splitting).

Shatra

[Daniell85]

I have always found with my boyfriend that left to himself, he generally starts to regain a more positive view of me. Typically if I give if a few silent weeks, he is ready to talk.

Maybe your guy just needs some time to calm down and he is realizing he doesn't feel as bad about you as he thought.

In my case, I can give the time... except my boyfriend is always telling lies, trying to gaslight me, and doing things that are destructive to my feelings of safety with him.  So HE may calm down, but I am having an awfully hard time doing the same. If I try to talk to him when I am not calm, it always ends in tears.

Are you actually feeling yourself in a strong calm state to interact with your guy right now?