I don't show it, but. . .

[vortex of confusion]

My husband and I have been having some good discussions lately. He is listening to me without getting defensive and I have shared some stuff that has to be difficult for him to hear.

Today he tell me, "I know I don't show it, but I think you are a super awesome person."

I hate that he says such nice things to me sometimes. I feel like such a jerk when he says such nice things to me and I find myself thinking, "Yeah right."

Here is what I wanted to say but didn't. . .

If I am so awesome, then why is it so difficult for you to show it?

If I am so awesome, then why don't you act like you want to spend more time with me?

If I am so awesome, then why the heck aren't you trying harder?

I didn't say any of these things. I just smiled and nodded.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

VOC,

I'm thinking... .that "not taking it personally"... .might be something to think on and consider...

The reasons he may have to those questions ... .very well may have nothing to do with you.

I've said it other places on here... but one of the earth shattering concepts that I learned during family therapy last summer (over year ago) was to not take things personally.

Now I feel a bit sheepish that I never knew that... or considered that before... .

Anyway... .I'm wondering if there is some stuff you can work on ... think on... around not taking things personally... that might help with some of this... .

FF

[vortex of confusion]

I know I need to do a better job of not taking things personally.

I also need to do a better job of radically accepting things as they are.

I get tired and frustrated and I friggin' hate it when he gives me such high praises. In the past, I would try to deliberately do things to irritate him and it didn't work. I can do no wrong in his eyes. I know that I have posted before about how he has me on a pedestal and I simply cannot live up to it.

What I want right now is a safe place to fall apart! I know this is about me. I know I have a lot of work to do on me.

[sweetheart]

Hi VOC,

The thing is in your h's eyes you are living up to his ideal of being a strong, awesome woman, who can do no wrong. Where does your belief that your are not those things come from, do you know?

Do you have a safe place to fall apart ?

Remember it is likely that you are feeling more triggered than usual because of the CPS visit, give your self sometime to recover from this, be kind to yourself, you have been through something horrible.

I remember feeling really angry after they were involved in our lives, I also felt scared and betrayed by everything and everyone. 

[Cat Familiar]

Vortex,

I want to echo what sweetheart has said about the extra stress and anxiety you've gone through due to the CPS bullsh!t.

However, is there a possibility that you are assuming kind words from your husband are painting you white? Is there ever a time that you can merely accept them as positive feedback without being suspicious of that?

[joshbjoshb]

If you can't take a compliment for face value, you might have your own issues of insecurity.

If my wife tells me I am awesome, I think "True! But why didn't you realize it until now?"

[vortex of confusion]

The thing is in your h's eyes you are living up to his ideal of being a strong, awesome woman, who can do no wrong. Where does your belief that your are not those things come from, do you know?

I think it comes from the discrepancy between his words and his actions.

Do you have a safe place to fall apart ?

No.

I remember feeling really angry after they were involved in our lives, I also felt scared and betrayed by everything and everyone.   

Thank you for this. That is how I feel. The case still hasn't been closed. I think they are contacting family and friends at the moment.

[vortex of confusion]

However, is there a possibility that you are assuming kind words from your husband are painting you white? Is there ever a time that you can merely accept them as positive feedback without being suspicious of that?

Hmmm. . .not sure how to explain it.

Sure, I can accept positive feedback when I think it is warranted.

When he and I are having a conversation and he is telling me all sorts of reasons why he can't do this or that and then follows it up with, "I know I don't show it but I think you are super awesome." it irritates me. Don't tell me that I am awesome. Show me!

[PeppermintTea]

Hi VOC,

I can relate a little to what you say as my husband also thinks I'm some awesome super woman. I guess I don't try to live up to it. I just am how I am... .and he is how he is. I am much more capable, proactive and effective than he is. I wish he would reciprocate more but I realise now that he does what he can. I can take that, its just about enough for me.

My H often says "I want you to know how awesome you are and how much I want to take care of you'. But then he goes off to play Xbox and let's me take care of everything else. And I realise he doesn't have the skills or capacity to do what he wants to do ( take care of his awesome wife!)

So can you ever see being able to just accept what your husband is actually capable of giving?

I will say I've had a brilliant counsellor who let me fall to pieces repeatedly before helping me rebuild. I wouldn't be in this position without having had that. You have had a really bad experience with this. That will take some getting over. I hope you'll be gentle on yourself.

PT

[vortex of confusion]

If you can't take a compliment for face value, you might have your own issues of insecurity.

If my wife tells me I am awesome, I think "True! But why didn't you realize it until now?"

I know this is my issue. I know that this is my fault because I am insecure. I get that.

[vortex of confusion]

Hi VOC,

I can relate a little to what you say as my husband also thinks I'm some awesome super woman. I guess I don't try to live up to it.

I don't feel like I am trying to live up to anything. 

My H often says "I want you to know how awesome you are and how much I want to take care of you'. But then he goes off to play Xbox and let's me take care of everything else. And I realise he doesn't have the skills or capacity to do what he wants to do ( take care of his awesome wife!)

I know that he doesn't have the skills or capacity. Most of the time I am okay with it. Right now, I am struggling. I wish I weren't. I wish I could just plaster on a pretty little smile and shrug and say, "Oh well, that is just who he is." I know that is who he is. I am feeling down. When I am feeling down, it is more difficult to deal with than usual. I'd rather post and vent here and get it out of my system so that I don't set anything back.

[PeppermintTea]

I get that VOC.

You're a human being. Your yolerance levels fluctuate. Sometimes you just wish it were different.

Me too.

I hope things look better soon.

PT

[joshbjoshb]

If you can't take a compliment for face value, you might have your own issues of insecurity.

If my wife tells me I am awesome, I think "True! But why didn't you realize it until now?"

I know this is my issue. I know that this is my fault because I am insecure. I get that.

Okay, wasn't trying to be rude  sorry.

But you know what you need to do now. Work on yourself. You are waiting for him to change but you know you need to find ways to change.

Good luck with that. It's not easy but it's VERY rewarding.

[Jessica84]

VOC - The way I can relate to this is wanting to be "seen". I want him to "get" me. If I say something wrong, I'm not the Devil. If I do something nice, I'm not Mother Teresa. I don't want to be seen as a saint or a monster. So I also get upset when I feel a compliment (or criticism) is not entirely based on reality, or the totality of me. I don't like feeling misunderstood about who I am. And I don't like feeling patronized. Is this how you feel sometimes?

[vortex of confusion]

VOC - The way I can relate to this is wanting to be "seen". I want him to "get" me. If I say something wrong, I'm not the Devil. If I do something nice, I'm not Mother Teresa. I don't want to be seen as a saint or a monster. So I also get upset when I feel a compliment (or criticism) is not entirely based on reality, or the totality of me. I don't like feeling misunderstood about who I am. And I don't like feeling patronized. Is this how you feel sometimes?

Yes, that is exactly it!

I am a complex human being. I screw up. I don't feel like his compliments are based in reality. Anybody that knows me in person knows that I like to be challenged. My best friend and I are both really good at telling each other wonderful things about each other. We compliment each other a lot. At the same time, I know that when she compliments me, she is doing it because she is being genuine. I know that if I screw up, she is going to tell me. She will give me advice and tell me when she thinks I am being completely unreasonable.

Last night, I was being playful. My husband made a joke and I said, "Are you saying that I have a big mouth?" He got defensive and said, "Oh no, you don't have a big mouth." It irritated me because everybody that knows me knows that I do indeed have a big mouth. It isn't some kind of big secret. I know my negative qualities. When I admit them to my husband, he tries to tell me that I am wrong. This isn't about being overly sensitive or insecure. This is about me knowing my own reality and being self aware enough to know when I am being awesome and when I am not. I can be a down right b***h at times. No matter how I act, he sees me as awesome and great and blah, blah, blah.

[vortex of confusion]

But you know what you need to do now. Work on yourself. You are waiting for him to change but you know you need to find ways to change.

Nope, not waiting on him to change.

I've been working on myself for years. I know that I am completely and utterly broken and have a long way to go. I know that I need to do a whole lot of work on myself. That is why I am posting here. I just need a safe place to vent and discuss things. I know my husband is who he is and that I am the problem. I get that. I have known that for a long time.

[Jessica84]

I know the feeling. When I'm cranky or moody and say something dead serious - he laughs. When I'm being perfectly nice and sincere - he calls me passive-aggressive. Umm... .huh?

Like the other day I called him a d!ck... .because, well, he was being one... and he made a joke about it. And another time I said "you did such a good job on that!" and he thought I was being sarcastic.   Blows my mind how he doesn't "get" me sometimes - when almost anyone else would in the same situations.

[vortex of confusion]

Blows my mind how he doesn't "get" me sometimes - when almost anyone else would in the same situations.

Thanks Jessica84!

I think that is why I get so frustrated sometimes. Everybody I know seems to understand why I might be out of sorts or feeling really raw right now. Him, he asks what's wrong or what's on my mind and still doesn't seem to get why I am not myself lately. Most of the time, it is just a minor annoyance and I shrug it off. I have having a hard time shrugging it off right now.

[Cat Familiar]

Blows my mind how he doesn't "get" me sometimes - when almost anyone else would in the same situations.

Thanks Jessica84!

I think that is why I get so frustrated sometimes. Everybody I know seems to understand why I might be out of sorts or feeling really raw right now. Him, he asks what's wrong or what's on my mind and still doesn't seem to get why I am not myself lately. Most of the time, it is just a minor annoyance and I shrug it off. I have having a hard time shrugging it off right now.

Yep, add me to the list. My husband is so incredibly clueless sometimes. Even a stranger could put 2 and 2 together and come up with the answer, but not him.

If it doesn't directly involve them, it seems they have neither curiosity nor awareness.

[Jessica84]

Yep, add me to the list. My husband is so incredibly clueless sometimes. Even a stranger could put 2 and 2 together and come up with the answer, but not him.

BPD math, BPD logic

If I'm not smiling, I must be angry.

If I am smiling, I must be up to no good.

[Jessica84]

But you know what you need to do now. Work on yourself. You are waiting for him to change but you know you need to find ways to change.

Nope, not waiting on him to change.

I've been working on myself for years. I know that I am completely and utterly broken and have a long way to go. I know that I need to do a whole lot of work on myself. That is why I am posting here. I just need a safe place to vent and discuss things. I know my husband is who he is and that I am the problem. I get that. I have known that for a long time.

You are not the "problem" and you ARE more awesome than you realize!

You may have insecurities - we all do - but you should also give yourself some credit. I've read your threads here for awhile now and you seem on the right track to me - wanting to improve, venting, learning, teaching and helping others - as I'm sure that's true of you in your everyday life. That IS awesome. On some level, your H probably does appreciate that about you. Just because he doesn't show you doesn't mean he doesn't feel it and believe it to be true.

What you may need here is to alter your expectations of him. That is what I'm working on. Not expecting him to always get me or see me as others do, not expecting him to want to spend time with me, etc... .We all expect things from our partners - it's natural. We may know rationally that some of our expectations are not possible for them to meet. Emotionally is different - because part of us still expects them to meet our needs. 

I'd love to get to the point where I don't just lower my expectations of him, but throw them out the window altogether - to the point where nothing he says or does shocks or hurts me anymore! Where I'm happy with the needs he does meet, and not too disappointed by the unmet needs.

Anyway, what can we do? We're all trying our best here and thought you could use an obnoxious cheerleader to chant "Stay the course!" Hope it helps. Sorry you're going thru a rough time...  

[vortex of confusion]

You are not the "problem"

Hehehehe. . .I feel an attack of logic coming on! 

He is who he is. That isn't going to change.

It has been said that my expectations are the problem. Therefore, the problem is with me. I am the problem.

On some level, your H probably does appreciate that about you. Just because he doesn't show you doesn't mean he doesn't feel it and believe it to be true.

What he thinks, feels, and believes is kind of irrelevant. I am looking at actions.

Emotionally is different - because part of us still expects them to meet our needs. 

I don't expect him to meet my emotional needs. Sure, it would be nice. I know it isn't going to happen. That is why I posted a thread about being patient and am not posting this thread. I know that he is not going to meet my emotional needs. I am trying to muddle through my discomfort by posting here and talking about MY frustrations. This is about how I feel and how I deal with it knowing that it is up to me to deal with my own crap.

[sweetheart]

Hi VOC,

This really jumped out at me, " I am the problem." Where does this come from? Can you trace it back further than your marriage?

If you can, and you find this is part of your core beliefs system then maybe by seeking it's origin it might help you start to process what is underneath it.

In my experience children often talk about themselves as a 'problem' because they don't have the emotional maturity to differentiate between their sense of selves and what others say or do to them.


By the way I'm not asking you to do discuss this here on this thread, it's just food for thought that of course maybe way of course... .

[formflier]

I am the problem.

VOC,

I'm a words guy... .for some reason... .this issue is on steroids for you... . 

Same thoughts as sweetheart... discuss here if your want... .or put it on the list for some future date... .

I am the problem... .

I am a problem... .

I have problems... .

To me... .the people that would say those things are in "very different places" in their lives... their thinking... .the way the approach the world and think of others...

Not that any of those are right... or wrong... .bad... .good... .any of that. 

Thoughts?

FF

[waverider]

"You are so awesome and better than me, I admit I am not as good as you so i cant do anything to help, you are better being responsible for everything therefore I will simply sit back and admire you while you get on with it... .see I do appreciate you"

>>Praise you... own the fact they dont help... then choose not to and ... cover it up with flattery... deny they are taking you for granted

[123Phoebe]

Where I'm happy with the needs he does meet, and not too disappointed by the unmet needs.

This is so right on!

It's another way of looking at gratitude.  Recognizing the goodies that really are in our lives.  As frustrated as I might feel at times, man would I miss him if he were gone.  He really truly adds so much goodness and I appreciate him very much

VoC, you really truly add so much goodness to his life.  He thinks you're awesome!

[formflier]

deny they are taking you for granted

I realize we can't force them to not take us for granted... .

In this instance... .I'm struggling with how VOC could at least make it more difficult for her hubby to take her for granted... .or at least be so comfortable doing it.

FF

[waverider]

.I'm struggling with how VOC could at least make it more difficult for her hubby to take her for granted... .

You can't and whether he is or isn't taking her for granted, his actions will be the same, the only difference is his guilt factor which could flow onto other consequences

or at least be so comfortable doing it.

By choosing at times not to do these things, so that when she does she can own them as her choice not an obligation, then whether he takes it for granted is of less concern as she is happier to own her choices.

Being taken for granted is a bigger issue when you are doing things as a reluctant obligation

[vortex of confusion]

I am the problem... .

In the situation that I posted about, I am the problem. I am the one that got annoyed with my husband's statement of "I don't show it, but. . ." I am the one that is struggling to accept that this is the way things are.

I am a problem... .

It has been pointed out that my expectations are problematic. I admit that my expectations are problematic. I admit that I am a problem in this situation because I am not able to put on a smile and shrug and say whatever in this case.

Help me understand this. . .

I post that I am frustrated because I don't feel heard or seen.

I post that I am struggling.

I am told things like:

If you can't take a compliment for face value, you might have your own issues of insecurity.

In my experience children often talk about themselves as a 'problem' because they don't have the emotional maturity to differentiate between their sense of selves and what others say or do to them.

But you know what you need to do now. Work on yourself. You are waiting for him to change but you know you need to find ways to change.

Those things are very loud and clear. . .I am the problem in this situation. I am a problem because I am having a difficult time accepting things as they are because I am in a week spot. I have problems. . .emotionally immature. . .waiting for him to change. . .I need to work harder on myself. . .my expectations are too high. . .can't accept a compliment!

[Jessica84]

You want to be heard, you want to be understood, you want your husband to show it. I get that. I don't see it as you being a problem so much as having one that needs solving. And I think most of us here have the same problem, or at least I do. It wasn't my intent to offend you in any way, but to support you as you work through it. 

[waverider]

You are not a problem, you are a work in progress as we all are. This is just a hurdle you yet have to conquer.

We can all spout the correct advise, but don't fool yourself few of us live up to our own advise a lot of the time, it is just a goal to head for. Knowing what your are trying to achieve is half the battle.

It takes time, awareness of the issue initially makes it seem a bigger problem than when you were ignorant of the issue. Now you have put your finger on it you can start to massage it away slowly.

We have to learn to self soothe too.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[vortex of confusion]

.I'm struggling with how VOC could at least make it more difficult for her hubby to take her for granted... .

You can't and whether he is or isn't taking her for granted, his actions will be the same, the only difference is his guilt factor which could flow onto other consequences

Really, I don't think his thoughts or feelings really enter into the equation at all. One of the things that I have been doing is moving away from worrying about what he is or isn't thinking or feeling. Whether or not he is or isn't taking me for granted is irrelevant. I am trying to focus on MY feelings and MY reactions. I am trying to allow myself to feel whatever it is that arises.

Focusing on whether or not my husband is taking me for granted or feels positive things towards me is a bit irrelevant. That doesn't change how I feel.

By choosing at times not to do these things, so that when she does she can own them as her choice not an obligation, then whether he takes it for granted is of less concern as she is happier to own her choices.

Help me understand this. . .a person can make a deliberate choice and be happy with the choice. However, even if a person is making a choice, there is still the possibility that one might experience negative feelings as a result of the choice. Making a deliberate choice does not automatically equate to everything being roses and sunshine.

[sweetheart]

VOC,

When you wrote 'you are the problem,' I wanted to rush to reply to point out that I don't want you to think/feel like that, i wanted to help you feel better, to find a solution.

I appreciate in doing that I invalidated your feelings, your experience of your life now, but because I can hear how upset and angry and frustrated you sound at the moment I just want to let you know that I am here and I can support you and listen to whatever you need to say.

I'm sorry that things are so raw for you at the moment, the situation with the CPS sounds like it has really floored you, and I understand that I really do.

[123Phoebe]

Help me understand this. . .a person can make a deliberate choice and be happy with the choice. However, even if a person is making a choice, there is still the possibility that one might experience negative feelings as a result of the choice. Making a deliberate choice does not automatically equate to everything being roses and sunshine.

Nope or yep, not everything will be roses and sunshine and that is life.  Accepting life in all its glory and gory goes a long way. 

Sometimes I'll purposely feed into my negative feelings (alone), because it's so not my normal way of being.  And it's like there, I validated myself.  Then miraculously, I'll feel myself coming out of it, yay!

You're doing the right thing by feeling whatever it is you're feeling, my only advice is to not attach a script to those feelings, your body is talking to you.

[waverider]

By choosing at times not to do these things, so that when she does she can own them as her choice not an obligation, then whether he takes it for granted is of less concern as she is happier to own her choices.

Help me understand this. . .a person can make a deliberate choice and be happy with the choice. However, even if a person is making a choice, there is still the possibility that one might experience negative feelings as a result of the choice. Making a deliberate choice does not automatically equate to everything being roses and sunshine.

No a choice wont make things roses but it is more bearable than when it is not your choice and you are also struggling to understand why you are doing something.

[vortex of confusion]

No a choice wont make things roses but it is more bearable than when it is not your choice and you are also struggling to understand why you are doing something.

I am making a deliberate choice to stay.

Most days, I am perfectly clear as to WHY I am choosing to stay. Other days, I have no clue why I am staying.