Husband suddenly denying BPD diagnoses.

[ReachingUp]

How do you deal when your partner is denying the diagnoses?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[OffRoad]

Is it a new diagnosis, or has he accepted it in the past and denying is a new thing?

[ReachingUp]

Just to add to this, I had a whole wack of details posted with it, but it exceeded the character limit, so I just asked my bottoms line question.

My husband was diagnosed by a psychiatrist in the last few months, but has sort of figured it was the case for a year. He has had about twenty some suicide attempts/threats on the last year as well. He also is prescribed both anti depressants and anti psychotics. Just recently, in the last few days,  he's decided it's not BPD, just sleep deprivation.

[formflier]

 

Focus on the symptoms... not the diagnosis.

Let the trained professionals "argue" or explain to him.

Does he get enough sleep?  It could be a weird way of him "complaining" about his sleep... .

FF

[babyducks]

My partner is diagnosed Bipolar 1 and "something else".  I believe the something else is BPD but she will never ever say it.   

So neither do I.   

Very occasionally she will mention family of origin issues.   Even more occasionally (almost never) she will say something like I am pretty damaged, or this is evidence of some of my damage.   And I very carefully walk my way though that conversation without calling it by any name whatsoever.   

My partner does NOT like the term borderline, doesn't like the way borderline patients are treated (and I don't blame her for that)  and doesn't like other borderline patients.

Honestly I don't care what she calls it, as long as she is constructively attempting to make it better.

In the for what it's worth department, my partner has persistent problems with hypomania and sleep is a very real issue for her.   Any change in her sleep patterns can be a huge trigger for her.   And I mean a trigger as in a two or three sleepless nights can send her into a mania, which may end in end a psychotic break.

formflier gave some good advice.

Let the trained professionals "argue" or explain to him.

Let the trained professionals explain the details of the diagnosis to him.   

And while you didn't ask this in your question,  I hope you keep coming here.   For you.   We can offer support and encouragement and understanding for you.    Your last year sound atrocious.    We understand.   All of us, some to lesser degrees, some to very similar degrees have been where you are.   We know what it is like to live with mentally ill spouses/girlfriends/boyfriends.   

I'm sorry your first post exceeded the character limit.   Still you are 'here' now and that is a good thing.   


welcome

'ducks

[formflier]

formflier gave some good advice.

Let the trained professionals "argue" or explain to him.

Let the trained professionals explain the details of the diagnosis to him.   

 We know what it is like to live with mentally ill spouses/girlfriends/boyfriends.   

Quick personal story... .about how I came to have more empathy for my wife... .

So... like many with some sort of mental illness... .there is denial... .and trying to say it's others around them that "are the problem".

My wife was stuck in this.  She did go through extensive testing with a PhD type Psychologist and did therapy with him.  In one of our joint sessions (his over all goal was "family therapy"... .to change some dynamics) my wife flat out said something about me being the issue and she had no problems.

The therapist stopped all talking... .looked her in the eye and in a firm... .direct manner said "FF wife name... .we've been over this after your testing.  Do we need to discuss whether or not you have issues that YOU need to work on... "

She looked defeated... .scared... .

She shook her head no... .there was more long... .uncomfortable silence... .and then we went on with session like it never happened.

To her credit... .she made changes... .attended therapy... .attended MC with me... .

I have no idea how many details of her exact diagnosis I do or don't know.  I don't ask.  I don't push.

Sadly... .there is a time I can remember when I thought it would be satisfying to finally get her to "admit" there was an issue with her. 

Instead... .I felt for her... .it drew me closer to her.

I hope this story helps you put some of this in perspective... .

It takes a while... .several steps forward... and some back... .you really have to settle in for the long view... .the long run of things.

I'm glad I did!

FF

[ReachingUp]

Focus on the symptoms... not the diagnosis.

Let the trained professionals "argue" or explain to him.

Does he get enough sleep?  It could be a weird way of him "complaining" about his sleep... .

FF

You're 100% right, thank you. I needed to hear that. Guess ultimately I just need to focus on helping him stay in therapy and on his medication, whether he thinks it's for borderline or not. He's been demanding that I tell him I don't think he has BPD, which of course causes a row when I won't. I don't push that he has it, but I have been refusing to admit that I don't think he does. I have a big thing with being truthful. Perhaps though I need to swallow that and just lull and coddle him a bit? It just seems wrong, and almost unhelpful. I feel very at odds with myself in a lot of these situations.

My guilty confession is I was pleased with the prospect of diagnosis. Not because it meant he was sick or anything, but because it finally gave a name to the big ugly cloud that loomed over us. It gave rational to the incidents that leave holes in the walls, doors off the hinges, chairs shattered in pieces, and belongings left smashed on the floor. It made me less angry and more sympathetic when he puts his head through walls because he thinks I'm going to leave him, or when he took a hammer to his hand as to smash his wedding ring up, or the constant threat of suicide.

He is tired, albeit, I do sheepishly say to you and even more gently to him, that it is his own doing. He works a safety sensitive job which requires him to work funny hours. On average he'll work 10 hours, with an 8 hour 'rest period' followed by another 6-10 hour shift with 24 hours rest following, and then it starts over again. However, during these rest periods he doesn't sleep. Instead of trying he'll tell me he can't, or that he'd rather spend time with me. Even if I'm not around he'll play video games, or go hang out with friends or family. His brother works the exact same job and seems to manage his time quite efficiently. However, his brother is "neurologically normal". So I do try to coax him to sleep more, however, I believe he kind of likes the suffering of it all. Which does not take away from the fact that he is indeed exhausted, and at times runs himself entirely ragged. That with a missed anti depressant has made for the most toxic combinations.

[formflier]

 

Has he been to a sleep clinic and gotten a full workup by a specialist?

With consultation with his GP.

I'm not denying BPD or saying it is all sleeps fault... .but... .lack of sleep is devastating.

I have sleep disabilities... .they are under control now... .my life was out of control when my sleep was not in control....

Took a while to sort out the sleep... .plus my wifes late night arguments played a role... .not all her fault... but that was part of a very BAD dynamic.

If you solve sleep... .the BPD monster might get smaller... .

Thoughts?

FF

[thisagain]

He's been demanding that I tell him I don't think he has BPD, which of course causes a row when I won't. I don't push that he has it, but I have been refusing to admit that I don't think he does. I have a big thing with being truthful. Perhaps though I need to swallow that and just lull and coddle him a bit? It just seems wrong, and almost unhelpful. I feel very at odds with myself in a lot of these situations.

What do you all think about how to respond when they specifically demand that we agree they don't have BPD?

Sometimes I can talk my way out of it by saying "I'm not a professional and it's not my job to diagnose you," "I don't care what it's called as long as we address these behaviors," or validating whatever feeling is going on underneath the demand. But other times my partner won't stop demanding specifically that I tell her she doesn't have BPD, and gets angry if I keep giving the noncommittal responses.

[formflier]

 

Back up a bit... . :)O NOT answer or respond to the exact thing he wants... .no discussion of BPD or diagnosis... .zip... zero... .nada.

I would suggest something like this.

(FF style   see my other thread about my BPD detector)  "I don't do demands... "  leave room... .no more conversation about it... .

I did this with threats.  "Kiss me know or our marriage is over" (direct quote said to me in middle of church).  I got up and walked out.  

Explain it once... .maybe twice... ."I don't do demands"... .after that... .zero tolerance... .no explanations.  There is a demand... .all interaction stops.

Now... .a little more eloquent way to do it would be...

"help me understand how you have the right to demand I hold certain positions"   (remember... don't reference BPD... .only discuss the theory... .the big picture)

These things are ingrained... .it took a while to get rid of threats...  I had been feeding the monster (so to speak) for a long time by reacting.  

I am so glad I had a firm boundary against threats... .

You may feel the same way about "demands".

FF

[ReachingUp]

Thank you everyone. Sincerely.

I feel like I've run a marathon and then been dragged behind a horse for several miles after the last two weeks.

I haven't mentioned the BPD to my husband in two weeks but am still being bombarded with him insisting its all about the diagnoses with me, and that I don't actually care about his opinions. Which is so hard because I care very much about his opinions, but nothing I do or say seems to draw any rationality. Theres maturity and compromise one day, and irrational attacks at our family the next. It's always been bad, but something triggered a few weeks ago that has set off a different type of monster. I asked for more responsibility on his part (with sleep/time management, angry outbursts leading to things being broken, money, and substance use) as there were countless things I felt I couldn't take anymore, and that I couldn't stand my children seeing, and I've now seemingly set fire to everything we once had.

The not addressing demands is very good advice, but I feel like it will take a lot of work on my part to master. Just because I feel like no matter how composed I stay, I'm still managing to reset the whole process after a certain amount of time talking. I'm not meaning to, but I end up saying the wrong thing the wrong way and lord have mercy.

The man I married didn't do drugs, but the man I'm married to now just spent every last dollar he could get his hands on on marijuana. Now I'm not against weed per-say, however, I certainly do not want it in my home or near my children. Nor do I want the grocery budget spent on it.

He's dropped visits with a psych and anti-psychotics, however upping his dose of anti-depressants and agreeing to go to a community counsellor once or twice a month.

He's had the bare minimum to do with the children, as he spends his time staying with his brother and parents, and when I asked if he could hang out with them for a bit tomorrow to set everything up at our son's school, he told me that I could find somebody else as I just think he's an unfit parent anyways. I swear on everything I didn't say that, and that I don't want him to feel that way, but my request for responsibility has somehow warped into this twisted standstill. He says I just want to control him and hold the puppet strings. I've spent a lot of time reflecting, and while the idea of being in control of the situation seems keen, I can really say my intent is just to have a healthy family and husband.

Since he started smoking pot, I've noticed his lashing out and anxiety almost triple. He insists though that it's lack of sleep and that the marijuana is the only thing helping. However, instead of sleeping, he's taking off after only being home for a few hours to go get high. His job has a zero drug tolerance and he is subject to random testing on top of it.

The other day I can't even remember what exactly transpired, but I refused to cave and get into a row with him, keeping my composer and standing my ground, and he threatened to call the police on me and say that I had stolen his debit card (he had it in his possesion) if blah blah blah and if I kick him out he'll have me charged with theft of his possessions that are still in the house, I offered to put them outside, so he threatened to charge me with "damaged property" if I dare do so. I'm planning on going into Law and he is seemingly at a point where he will burn my life down and everything I love and have worked for if I don't just... Lay down.

I'm so at my wits end with all of it. My children miss their daddy, and I miss my husband.

I could go on and on for pages at this point as I just wish I had someone to talk to about this. I fear telling anybody in my life too much, as I don't want anyone to hate him, yet at the same time I fight the urge just to flood all of our family and friends with facts and text messages because I know that he's giving so many falsehoods about why he isn't at home, all very unflattering towards me.

I love him, I do, but I feel like I'm up against a force that isn't worth the fight. I'm twenty three, excited about university and a career, and I just really want to enjoy life. I'm not dumb, I know that there are always hardships, but I truly feel like this is just going to be an ongoing pit of misery if I don't do something. I've honestly "compromised" myself to a depressive state, and feel I have received nothing in return.

I actually feel guilty about expecting anything to change, yet at the same time feel guilt at the thought of leaving him and breaking our marriage; breaking our children's home. I honestly just feel sick.

[formflier]

 

Reachingup,

How are things in your r/s?

I was looking over some of the older threads I was involved in... .hoping you are well.

Looking forward to an update.

FF