is it a good or bad idea to let my wife know that I am codependent?

[byfaith]

I want to work on myself. It hit me in these last 5 days I have been by myself. I pretty much loved being by myself removed from all the issues my wife deals with. I want to get a book called "co dependent no more" but I am so sick of reading up on BPD and all that and doing it in secret.

I just want to get this book and have it sitting on my nightstand or wherever. She might decide to read some of it herself. In some of your experiences do you find things like this trigger your partner?

I just need to do what I need to do. Just getting tired of hiding everything. 

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[Notwendy]

When I started MC, I expected that the T would tell my H to start working on some of his stuff that was causing issues in the marriage. I was mad as a hornet when the focus was on my "co-dependency" and I had all kinds of things to do- go to groups, get a sponsor while he didn't have one darn thing. I got to be the "one with the problem" and I was upset that he got to see it that way.


However, this is the way things tend to go with people who project on to others and tend to not look at themselves. This position was pretty triggering as the same thing went on in my family. In addition, my mother would paint me as the one "with issues" to her family and friends and so they blamed her behavior on me. ugh.

But I had a very wise therapist, as she knew that she could push me, but if she labeled my H, he would probably walk out the door and not return. As I began to change my behavior,  he became more open to her suggestions, and the dynamics between us started to improve.  However, I believe that this process- putting the label on me, could only have worked in the hands of a skilled T. If I had put a label on myself, he would have decided that this proved I was the problem, and if I had suggested that he had a label, he would have just gotten angry. Suggestions from me did not work.

My vote is NO. Your stuff is yours to work on. It's about you, not anyone else's. I would leave the labeling for a skilled T.

[NonBPHusb]

My similar experience is still unfolding, but I think its probably better to not admit to your own issues, at least not for a while.  Two MC sessions ago, I walked our therapist through all of my wife's BPD symptoms in a very cautious, slow and self-effacing way.  However, I started by acknowledging that I have some narcissistic and codependency tendencies that I am dealing with in my own individual therapy.  Our therapist got the point, and the session generally went well, but the next day my wife was sending me articles of the horrors of being married to a narcissist.  Since then I feel like she has grabbed onto that admission to define herself as the saint who has put up with a narcissist/codependent/ADHD husband.

Our last session did not go well, and I'm fearful that the small window I hoped was there to get through to my wife has now closed for good.

Being able to acknowledge your own problems is a very good step.  From what I've read, its a step that most pwBPDs would have an extremely difficult--if not impossible--time taking.  Unless you are absolutely sure that your admission won't be used against you, I would hesitate to make it.

[formflier]

  doing it in secret.

I had issues on the difference of private and secret.

Secret had/has a bad connotation in a r/s.  There are some that says there should not be "secrets" between a husband and a wife... .therefore... there is no privacy.

It my work in some marriages... but when a PD is present... .BAD policy to follow.

I don't have "secret" in my gmail... .or on this website.

What I do there is mine... .I have a right to privacy.  End of story... .

I would encourage you to examine the way you look at things... and see if this might apply.

FF

[workinprogress]

I have found that whatever you say to a BPD can and will be held against you at a later date.

[an0ught]

Hi byfaith,

the way I see it is that one can work on communication together as it is really a win-win situation. "The high conflict" couple has exercises to work on validation for a couple.

It is a little different on boundaries as there it is often a win-lose situation, at least when it comes to any specific boundary. In the overall situation of course all these win-loose combined in a balanced manner result in a healthier relationship and a win-win. But again any individual boundary usually is a win-loose game.

Now think about your relationship. You want to change the rules. That is your decision and certainly a fair goal considering the one sided situation. It is also fair to get a book for yourself and put it somewhere out of sight. Considering the way you currently communicate it is not a good idea to let it laying around. You have not been doing that in the past so this act would be sending a message in a passive aggressive way. That is not to say you should hide things. If she rummages through your stuff and you are willing to deal with that by all means don't put it into the safe. But communicating through books laying around it not very respectful.

I can understand you wanting understanding from your wife and wanting her to educate herself. However it is also temping to think that if your wife educates herself your problems would be smaller. Yes to a degree but no that is a co-dependent way of thinking. Boundaries are only true boundaries if they are under your control.

My wife learned a lot about boundaries by me starting to have some. She learned also a lot through the conflicts we as a couple have with third parties. I sometimes try to coach her in her conflicts with others but I really leave it up to her to decide how to proceed.

Boundaries are tough to learn when you start with few and weak ones. There is a limited cognitive planning part to it but it is a lot more about handling yourself and your emotions in a conflict situation based on your planning. The key is building the muscle memory for the latter. Books do little for that.

[CharWood]

I wouldn't do it... .that will just make her see you as weak and when she devalues you or splits you, she would use that to her advantage. I would try to work through that in therapy and keep it to yourself... is your wife getting therapy? Or does she refuse? Mine has refused and that's why we are likely going to axe the marriage and I asked her to leave if she will not sort herself out and get help. She left. I would never tell my wife that I am codependent... .as soon as she finds out what that means, she would either 1) use It to her advantage or 2) feel engulfed and detach and push pull would worsen.

It really does not matter how much a borderline seems to improve during the good times... .without therapy, all that progress can be lost in an instant as soon as they are triggered. Take this from someone who just had an over a year long stretch with my spouse having good behavior and within a period of 3 weeks, my spouse began to trigger and lose touch with reality and act out again... .and had her life pretty well messed up within 2 weeks of leaving the house. Therapy. Its SO important. otherwise, you will go through this your whole relationship of having good periods and the worst periods you could possibly imagine with your wife until she completely goes off the deep end and you cant take it anymore. I have gone through a break up once with my wife before where we were separated/broken up for a month and have had one other rough period where we did not break up, but it was pretty bad for a couple of weeks... .it just got worse each time something like this happens. I have been split from her for a month and I am nearly completely done, ready to file, ready to cut contact and erase her from my life. I cannot deal with her push pull, unwillingness to get help and therapy and take accountability for herself, unstable behavior, erratic behavior... .abuse and betrayal of me... I am in therapy myself because I feel I am codependent. I want to fix it. and I will NOT tell my wife.  No way in heck.

Do not end up like me. I almost got my wife in therapy by gently speaking to her about it and talking about me going... .I made it seem like it was her idea to do it... .had it not been for her mom intervening, she would have gone. Maybe that will work for you with your wife? Maybe she would go, especially if she does not have enablers or equally unstable people talking in her ear.

[ColdEthyl]

I think it depends on the couple and the person. In my situation, we are both self-aware, and are working on things together. If I work on myself (IE I might be doing a bit of DBT myself), he jumps in. We talk... .A LOT about our past, where we see ourselves, what point we want to get to, etc. It's a constant work in progress right now.

[maxsterling]

As mentioned, a very likely response will be, "oh, see, you have the problem.  Get help.  I am fine!"  Then after, everything and anything will be blamed on your "codependency".  I should also mention that "codependency" as an illness is controversial in the mental health community.