Stressed out - How do you deal with it?

[CrazyChuck]

We can be laughing and holding hands, having a fantastic time. It could be anything, I stepped off the sidewalk, looked the wrong direction, received a text, waitress touched my arm, or a million other small things. She will go from happy to pissed in 2 seconds. And there is nothing I can do to stop it. I can't fix it. I can't reason it. She will be angry like I cheated, over the smallest things. I get so frustrated. I asked what percentage was my fault, she says everything is 100% my fault. I get so stressed out. I started out so full of self confidence. How do you walk away from the fights? How do you not get stressed wondering if they are pissed?

Oh, hey I'm Chuck and I'm going crazy.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[CrazyChuck]

How do you not stress? Thats what I am trying to learn. And how to not engage.

[Wrongturn1]

... .And there is nothing I can do to stop it. I can't fix it. I can't reason it... .

What you've said here is one of the big keys.  You can't stop it or fix it.  It's all about her emotions (quoting Bon Dobbs here).  Realizing that it's not really about you at all allows you not to take it personally, which can be a big stress reliever. 

Also, take some time to read through "The Lessons" linked on the right side of this page below "Before you can make anything better... ."

Also again, welcome, Chuck!  The things you describe sure do sound like BPD.

[CrazyChuck]

What you've said here is one of the big keys.  You can't stop it or fix it.  It's all about her emotions (quoting Bon Dobbs here).  Realizing that it's not really about you at all allows you not to take it personally, which can be a big stress reliever. 

Also, take some time to read through "The Lessons" linked on the right side of this page below "Before you can make anything better... ."

Also again, welcome, Chuck!  The things you describe sure do sound like BPD.

Thanks for the welcome

I found "The Lessons" link, and will look through them tonight. It is strange to read so many posts in this forum, that I could have written myself. 

[Wrongturn1]

It is strange to read so many posts in this forum, that I could have written myself. 

Yeah, the similarities are amazing, to the extent sometimes that it seems like many of the BPD people read from the exact script, and they say things like, "if you would just be 100% open and honest with me, I would be able to trust you"; or "what you did just sent me back to square 1"; or etc.

[CrazyChuck]

Yeah, the similarities are amazing, to the extent sometimes that it seems like many of the BPD people read from the exact script, and they say things like, "if you would just be 100% open and honest with me, I would be able to trust you"; or "what you did just sent me back to square 1"; or etc.

First quote, word for word. Second quote, very close to word for word. She will say "Every time I feel our relationship gets better, you do something to set it back to zero.".

[joshbjoshb]

well your goal is to be able to even laugh, really it's so funny.

Isn't that funny that so many people acts just the same, even if they are coming from such different backgrounds, ages, occupation, etc.?

It really is.

Now if you get stressed out, you are walking on eggshells. That's no good, my friend. So you need to learn that you can stay happy and calm despite her dysregulating.

[specialized]

Hang in there .

someone answered one of my posts once and what they said was very helpful :" you need to remember at these moments that she has a mental illness and needs your understanding"... .(but we all know that its not easy to do that when your caught off guard or pissed at what was just said to you). And its true we are all in the same boat. everyone here has been given ridiculous ultimatums, told that cant be trusted, and have had the facts twisted in such a way that you actually start to think you are that terrible person she is telling you that you are... .etc

[Wrongturn1]

She will say "Every time I feel our relationship gets better, you do something to set it back to zero.".

Zero, huh?  I guess I can feel fortunate that my wife spends most of her time at square 1 instead of zero, LOL.     

[CrazyChuck]

  yes

[MaroonLiquid]

and they say things like, "if you would just be 100% open and honest with me, I would be able to trust you";

This one kills me.  As if we're "still" hiding something.  My wife always used to say, "I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop."  I laugh because she is usually the one that drops it... .Like the anvil on Wiley Coyote's head that the Roadrunner drops.    I understand that was all projection.  

[Jessica84]

For me, the best coping strategy I've come up with for handling my own stress during one of his dysregulations is... .distraction! I sometimes think he is psychic and can read my thoughts. So if I'm mad on the inside and pretend to be ok for the sake of keeping the peace, or even just look at him a little puzzled, it never works. He'll push my anger or confusion right up to the surface. So... .I pull out my little iphone and check emails or look at Facebook. I've also been known to use the calculator feature and start adding or subtracting random numbers. Now my mood has shifted. Just enough and just in time to keep things from escalating. It takes less than a minute, and then I'm calm and not engaging in the drama (or saying things I'll regret in anger). I only have to be careful not to look like I'm outright ignoring him! So, a bathroom break or a quick glance at the phone is usually sufficient.

Also helps to remind myself "he doesn't mean it. He's mentally ill." I know pwBPD actually mean what they say in the moment they say it, but I can't get too stuck on that... since the feeling won't last.

It's little jedi mind tricks like this that have saved me! It's been awhile since I've gotten triggered to the point of losing control and jumping into the chaos with him. So, whatever works...