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Author Topic: Created a monster  (Read 353 times)
DevilYouKnow

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 16


« on: August 20, 2015, 01:16:17 PM »

So a few years ago my uBPDw started with a direct sales company since--between moving frequently for my career and having a couple of kids--her primary career (public safety) wouldn't really work out.  She enjoyed it and was pretty diligent with it, rising to a position of lower leadership in the company.  Retaining this position requires a periodic minimum of sales for herself and her team, which she has been inconsistent at meeting--she will frequently end up a few hundred short of the requirement, and we will end up "getting some things we need" to make up the difference.  It's honestly a net negative for us financially, which she can't see because she runs it more like a Wall Street corporation and less like a small business--profits are privatized (her bank account), while expenses are socialized (joint bank account).  While I have voiced my opinion on that, I didn't establish any boundaries or let her fail when she should have, and the end result is that she has tied at least portions of her identity, self-worth, and social network to this business.  In terms of the drain on money and time, the opportunity cost to more worthwhile endeavors, the stress she (and, by extension, the rest of the family) goes through when she's down to the wire, etc., I'd just as soon see this thing go.  That looks like it's going to happen this month as she's in a deep enough hole that even she knows that we can't financially justify bailing her out. 

So here I am staring down the barrel of the mother of all dysregulations coming, like a slow-motion trainwreck that I can't stop and can't avoid.  I can already see the kids starting to get painted black (for needing her attention and not letting her focus on this), and I know that I'm going to get it shortly (for any number of reasons).  She can't stand failing at even little things, and this is going to push her off the deep end.  Being a rational, silver-lining kind of guy, I see an opportunity here for her to focus on restarting her other career, which is much more lucrative, productive to society, and mentally healthy for her-- but I know I can't bring that up without invalidating her.  That was the plan when we moved here, since we agreed this is our last move (I am close to retirement) and the kids are all school-age or close to it.  She did try, to her credit, but got turned down towards the end of two hiring processes and this has really discouraged her there.  She has applied a couple more places, but hasn't made any serious commitment towards improving her physical fitness (the reason she was turned down in the last hiring process) or towards regaining a professional certification she let lapse that would make her much more competitive.

I'm trying to psych myself up for this, and I just don't know if I can.  I've got my own issues that, combined with dealing with her issues and trying to keep our kids somewhat stable, the hour a week of therapy I'm getting just isn't touching.  I've never been a quitter, but increasingly I find myself looking at the flaming wreckage of my life and thinking "why bother?"  While I'm not quite at the point where I've abandoned all hope, for the first time in my life I think the probability that my future gets worse is higher than the probability that it gets better, which is almost the same thing for a problem-solver who's always been able to see a path to victory.  I'm not sure exactly what I'm looking for here except maybe to get out some things I can't talk about with anyone else and that I don't have time to get into with my therapist.  Thanks for listening.

--DYK
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joshbjoshb
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 241


« Reply #1 on: August 20, 2015, 01:49:06 PM »

Alright, sir. You are about to establish a boundary, and you don't like how it feels! You'd rather her just realizing herself what of a mess she is creating. You don't like the responsibility of setting a boundary.

I believe almost no one does, but you are doing it for her good as well as yours.

So rest easy, plan the boundary, make sure to sandwich with love, and know that you have no control over what is going to happen.

Be firm, but compassionate.

Think about her as a little child who her mom doesn't let her buy ice cream in the store. She will yell and have a tantrum, and there is not much you can do about it.

Once you set the first boundary... .well it's really amazing to see that it's not as bad as you think.

Regarding her others jobs, you need to be ready for a possibility that she might not work. And you need to find yourself places to hang out outside of the house when you retire.

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Cat Familiar
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
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« Reply #2 on: August 20, 2015, 02:08:25 PM »

Ah, MLM (multilevel marketing) I'm assuming is the problem here. The upper 2% do great, while those at the bottom destroy their friendships and community.

This whole business model attracts dreamers who really don't understand how business works. I've seen a lot of people abandon one venture only to start with another. A contractor who worked for me told me his wife had boxes of materials from a half dozen companies in their garage.

Yes, you'll have to let her fail and reap the consequences. Just don't try to rescue her, but be supportive. Easy to say, hard to do. Good luck!

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