Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 11:10:46 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Experts share their discoveries [video]
99
Could it be BPD
BPDFamily.com Production
Listening to shame
Brené Brown, PhD
What is BPD?
Blasé Aguirre, MD
What BPD recovery looks like
Documentary
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Humility?  (Read 352 times)
CRMC

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Friend
Posts: 6



« on: August 21, 2015, 07:01:51 PM »

When my friend feels like I have been ignoring him, he becomes upset and begins to pick apart anything I say in my defense. If I don't defend myself, then that's a sign that I've finally given up on him like everybody else. Sometimes I get through to him, but then he turns all of it on himself. For example, he might say, "I messed up again because I'm completely broken and there's no fixing me." My question is this:  is this a statement of true humility or just another way to manipulate?

I have been working on the SET-UP method of communication and it's definitely working but I still need more practice.

I want my friend to get better, but he has to take responsibility for his actions.

Thanks!

CRMC
Logged
RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

thisagain
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 408


« Reply #1 on: August 21, 2015, 08:45:27 PM »

I'm new to all this, but my instinct is that when a pwBPD say something like that, it's painting himself black the same way he does to you and others. He really believes it in that moment, but I don't think it's mature or nuanced enough to count as "humility." It's not intentionally manipulative, just a reflection of his black-and-white thinking and his lack of a sense of self.

I've heard very similar statements from my partner and from my father, who is definitely not BPD but maybe NPD or just general jerk. With my partner I can tell it's how she really feels about herself in that moment. With the non-BPD general jerk I can tell it's manipulative and he really still believes he's a god.

Interested to hear how others respond to this kind of statement. I find it really frustrating. I used to fight so hard to get her to see that the way she treated me was wrong, and it was so frustrating to get this kind of response instead of a genuine acknowledgement.

And out of curiosity, what are the UP in SET-UP?
Logged

CRMC

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Friend
Posts: 6



« Reply #2 on: August 22, 2015, 08:44:10 AM »

I've been reading "I Hate You-Don't Leave Me" by Kreisman & Straus, which is where I read about SET-UP. U is for Understanding and P is for Perseverance. For others who may not know, S is for Support, E is for Empathy, and T is for Truth. This technique is effective but I need more practice.

Thanks for your reply. I suppose it's difficult for me to reconcile my friend's intellectualism with his emotional immaturity. He is so brilliant and rational most of the time. But when he feels slighted or is triggered by a disappointment he acts like a child who hasn't learned to control his emotions. He lashes out.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!