is it ever ok to apologize?

[specialized]

Hi again all,

So last nite we were feeling a bit frisky all good stuff. So things were going well and then I said something which set her off... .Ive said stuff before but tonite ... not good. now what i said was I am going to take off your clothes and i want to take you right now... ( a bit more graphic than that) . Its not uncommon in our marriage bed to get a bit wild ( TMI  sorry)

anyhow she took it as very insulting this time - so in a situation like this is it ok to apologize for my commentary andfor making her feel 2nd rate do to my comment?

Or am I validating myself to her that i am a terrible person if I apologize.

My heart says apologize my head says not sure maybe let it go. Id like to apologize but i dont want to spark a rant on all my faults... .or do i apologize and just hope for the best?

Thanks

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[sweetheart]

Hello specialised,

Yes you can apologise,  'I can see/hear your upset by what I just said, I'm sorry you feel hurt." Validate that she feels hurt by what you said, not that you hurt her by what you said.   

[specialized]

ok thanks  this is where i need practice using these communication skills because i am an expert at opening the door to hell

[sweetheart]

Opening the gates to hell is how most of us got here   

Heres a link you might find helpful https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation

[specialized]

ok i got another one... .

there is a situation that is going to arise in the near future in which i will be coming into a large sum of money due to the sale of my current business. I will be putting these funds in an account with only my name on it because they are business funds and not retirement funds as i will be purchasing another business in the near future as well. she want her name on the account - says i am too controlling and untrusting and i am not allowing us to be a couple if we dont share everything.  problem is i really dont want to take the chance of her going off the deep end and make a statement by spending or taking some or all of these funds. I dont know if she ever would but i cant take the chance as it could ruin us financially ( i am talking a huge dollar amount - like lottery winnings - but its not spendable if we want to keep our financial security).

so how would i communicate this without invalidation? any ideas?

[sweetheart]

specialised can you expand on the situation a bit more, how involved is your wife in the business etc?

[specialized]

She has never been involved.  I am the sole breadwinner and it's always been ok. She has been demanding more involvement and every time say ok come with me she refuses and says she hates my employees because I like them more than her ... .not true.

I have always been the one who handles the funds pays the bills buys the groceries.

she had a job but chose to be a a stay at home mom.

I am not controlling with our spending money. I make sure she has cash  in her wallet and she has credit cards too which I take care of for her.

It's just her persistence here which is making me nervous ... .I don't know what the motive is or even if there is one... .

[specialized]

Ok so I apologized  with a card and flowers and said I was sorry she felt her by what I said... .

I said hi i was thinkin of you and last nite and how you were feeling so I got you some flowers.

The reply was "well there's a vase in the kitchen put them in a vase" . Oh boy. ... .

[specialized]

Time out I jumped the gun .

I gave her time she processed and guess what

sweetheart it was like magic . Apology accepted ... feeling validated ... life goes on ... .sweetheart thank you

[ptilda]

Sometimes Validation and SET feel like magic! Congrats on your progress.

I might take the business thing as one of those things where you tell her you'd like to work her into the business. Offer to start going over the business plan and "boring" stuff. If she can "hang," maybe she IS ready to be more involved. My guess is she might start getting bored and lose interest herself.

[sweetheart]

Hi specialised,

Well done for putting validation into practice. I'm happy for you that both you and your w got a positive outcome.

Like ptilda said it doesn't always work,nothing is foolproof especially if our SO's are starting to seriously dysregulate. Like all of us sometimes we don't want to hear what the other person had to say and that's ok, just leave with kindness and go do something else for a while.

Keep reading and practicing and sometimes you will get it wrong, and that's ok too.

[waverider]

With the business finances, if she has no legitimate reason to access them, then leave her access out of it.

She may be using it as an example of being invalidated. So be it, dont risk important finances just to prove, or disprove, a point.

You dont have to explain or justify you actions, just be consistent. Important issues are more important than placating a pwBPD.

Its a black and white decision, be clear about it,ultimately pwBPD understand black and white speak and will adapt to it. If you get wishy washy about it then it will turn into a far bigger drama

[sweetheart]

With the business finances, if she has no legitimate reason to access them, then leave her access out of it.

She may be using it as an example of being invalidated. So be it, dont risk important finances just to prove, or disprove, a point.

You dont have to explain or justify you actions, just be consistent. Important issues are more important than placating a pwBPD.

Its a black and white decision, be clear about it,ultimately pwBPD understand black and white speak and will adapt to it. If you get wishy washy about it then it will turn into a far bigger drama

Absolutely support what waverider writes. The money is important for you and your wife's future, your management of finances is just fine keep it that way.

[specialized]

Thank you friends

[Wrongturn1]

I dont know if she ever would but i cant take the chance as it could ruin us financially ( i am talking a huge dollar amount - like lottery winnings - but its not spendable if we want to keep our financial security).

Specialized:  First off, congrats on the sale of your business!  Sounds like a very successful endeavor, and I'm sure it required a lot of hard work on your part. 

If your wife was not involved in the business that you sold, I see no valid reason for putting the proceeds from the sale into a joint account.  Moreover, giving a mentally ill person to access to that kind of money would be asking for trouble.  I encourage you to stand firm on this.