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Author Topic: 0 to 100mph then to a screeching halt. Trying to understand  (Read 408 times)
Lovingme35
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« on: August 23, 2015, 12:40:04 PM »

My exbBPD contacted me about two weeks ago after two weeks of NC. Everything started out slow, with him barely engaging, but quickly escalated within a two week period of him calling me about once an hour if not messaging me. He moved last week and was all out of sorts. I was helping him unpack and get things for his new place. Everything was fine until last night. I went out to a bar and invited him to come along. The whole drive out he was clearly upset and not wanting to go. Once we were there, he seemed to lighten up and start having fun. At one point, we started talking to some girls and I made the mistake of getting jealous. As we walked away from them, I snapped at him that I hopped he wasn't going to be flirting with other girls in front of me all night. That's all it took. I apologized but it was too late. He was ready to go home.

After we got back to my place I tried to apologize again and begged him to stay. He refused again saying my behavior was a big turn off. As he tried to walk out the door I made mistake number two. I hugged him and started crying. He wanted to know why I was crying and I said it was because I loved him. He suddenly flew into a rage and wanted all of his things back. Said he never wanted to see me again. Shocked, I went and climbed in my bed not knowing what to do. At that point he told me to keep everything and stormed out the door. I called him 30 minutes later and just asked if everything was ok. He said of course not and said our relationship was broken. We talked a bit and because it was so late, I told him goodnight and told him to call me in the morning. He said that he did not know what difference it would make, but that he would.

We had plans today to unpack the rest of his things. We were also going to head to some discount stores. He hasn't called. I know that I became to clingy last night. I know I overacted. I am trying to be strong today and let him be. I cannot believe everything that happened last night. I am so sad. I wish yesterday never happened. Two weeks of him pulling me in, closer than I have ever been, to nothing. I want to call him so bad. Ask him if he still wants me to help him, but I know that will push him further away. I am so mad at myself. Today is a sad day.
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lovers knot
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« Reply #1 on: August 23, 2015, 01:09:16 PM »

Hello! First, I'm sorry to know that you're dealing with this!

It seems to me like he has been going through a push/pull with you, and after he came out of NC, and began to correspond healthily with you again, that he had painted you 'white' again. After your descriptions about how you started to show your jealousy, and how you snapped at him, etc., this obviously set of a 'trigger' for him, which made him push you away again. Then, you describe apologizing, asking for forgiveness, hugged him, etc., and then he flew into a rage and as you said, wanted all of his things back, and that he never wanted to see you again. Has he ever said that to you before? because I know that often times it will be temporary, and they'll paint you white again (usually after Silent Treatment, or however they deal with it), and as you've seen, after having gone NC for two weeks, he returned.

With my pwBPD, I made the mistake of getting too close (my biggest mistake, however, was that I wasn't aware of the entire spectrum of a pwBPD, of which she has, and so I didn't educate myself from the get-go after she first told me, or otherwise I would've acted differently--COMPLETELY differently!--and we'd probably still be regularly talking to this day; she's been giving me the ST now for a while, with one hint of a "Hello, I'm still here," and then nothing, but I digress!). My pwBPD friend is a 'silent BPD' or 'acting in'-type, where she'll dyregulate, and POOF. Ice Age.

Anyway, has this ever happened before with you two? I mean, obviously there's been NC, but how often has this occurred?

The great thing that you've done is acknowledge that you overreacted, that's a great start. The sadness is still there, yes, how well I can relate, and you started regretting all of these things. At this point, it might be best to not say anything for a while, and let him self-soothe and calm down. The recycling may happen again, but the best thing to do is to learn from this mistake, and the next time, apply yourself to the lessons of a Non-pwBPD, and go from there. I've learned so much from self-educating, from studying on it all, and from being here on this message board, where people understand, can relate, have expertise and can give amazing advice!

Hang in there. Keep us updated on what goes on, though, because everyone here cares. You're not alone! 
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Lovingme35
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« Reply #2 on: August 23, 2015, 01:19:22 PM »

Hello! First, I'm sorry to know that you're dealing with this!

It seems to me like he has been going through a push/pull with you, and after he came out of NC, and began to correspond healthily with you again, that he had painted you 'white' again. After your descriptions about how you started to show your jealousy, and how you snapped at him, etc., this obviously set of a 'trigger' for him, which made him push you away again. Then, you describe apologizing, asking for forgiveness, hugged him, etc., and then he flew into a rage and as you said, wanted all of his things back, and that he never wanted to see you again. Has he ever said that to you before? because I know that often times it will be temporary, and they'll paint you white again (usually after Silent Treatment, or however they deal with it), and as you've seen, after having gone NC for two weeks, he returned.

With my pwBPD, I made the mistake of getting too close (my biggest mistake, however, was that I wasn't aware of the entire spectrum of a pwBPD, of which she has, and so I didn't educate myself from the get-go after she first told me, or otherwise I would've acted differently--COMPLETELY differently!--and we'd probably still be regularly talking to this day; she's been giving me the ST now for a while, with one hint of a "Hello, I'm still here," and then nothing, but I digress!). My pwBPD friend is a 'silent BPD' or 'acting in'-type, where she'll dyregulate, and POOF. Ice Age.

Anyway, has this ever happened before with you two? I mean, obviously there's been NC, but how often has this occurred?

The great thing that you've done is acknowledge that you overreacted, that's a great start. The sadness is still there, yes, how well I can relate, and you started regretting all of these things. At this point, it might be best to not say anything for a while, and let him self-soothe and calm down. The recycling may happen again, but the best thing to do is to learn from this mistake, and the next time, apply yourself to the lessons of a Non-pwBPD, and go from there. I've learned so much from self-educating, from studying on it all, and from being here on this message board, where people understand, can relate, have expertise and can give amazing advice!

Hang in there. Keep us updated on what goes on, though, because everyone here cares. You're not alone! 

Yes this has happened at least three times before in our year and a half relationship. All with 1-2 weeks of NC and then the cycle repeats. I know it's a push/pull. I know contacting him today would be the worst thing I could do. It's just hard because for the past two weeks I was on a pedestal and felt wanted every minute of the day. Now I'm garbage.

I should have let him go last night. I should not have tried to stop him. Telling him I loved him was the worst thing I could have done :'(  I am just so mad at myself
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lovers knot
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« Reply #3 on: August 23, 2015, 01:47:57 PM »

So you're an experienced Non, eh?   That changes the whole perspective! Ha!

All joking aside, you're right: no contact is your best bet at this point, and you said, would be the worst thing to do. Since you've experienced these cycles before, then you understand what is happening, what to do next, and perhaps learn from your former 'errors' (which is what I'm doing--trying to be a better communicator, and will hopefully be able to apply these things soon, once my pwBPD decides that she wants to talk again [that's the hardest part, or one of them, not knowing WHEN, if ever?, it will happen again]), and try your best not to beat yourself up about it. It's not your fault, but one thing you can do is not to get too over-emotional and try to stay centered (something I've also learned is the best thing to do here). It's so easy to take things personally, even when we KNOW that it's not "us" (the Nons).

I know how it feels to be put on a pedestal! You feel like you're on top of the world, you're floating and you're in this sweet bliss of joyousness that goes beyond explicit words--and suddenly, out of NO WHERE, you're cast down to earth, and you lay in a pile of rubble in a land field, like garbage. White, then Black. Rinse, wash, repeat. (Wax on, wax off? Ha!). This is where I'm at, too. You once felt like a star, their everything ("you came into my life to save it" ... ."you're the sweetest person in my life" ... ."you mean the world to me" ... .and on and on), and then it comes to a stop, and it sucks! It's difficult! It hurts!

But, you can only take care of you, as you can't control others' behavior, but you CAN control YOUR behavior. I also told my fwBPD that I loved her, but she reciprocated and told me that she loved me, but we were never romantically involved. We have a beautiful connection, and I know she cares for me, but their fear of intimacy turns them off (even though she was once in a relationship with someone for 8 years!). There's a combination of so many things, that becomes overwhelming to them. She and I did hold hands once, and she caressed my shoulder, and I caressed her face and hair lovingly, but I noticed that, quickly, she let go and got up and went to the kitchen, as if she realized she was in a "vulnerable" state. Fear of intimacy, fear of abandonment, the whole nine yards. It's not easy, because there were HINTS of such loving and sweet things, but then their triggers kick in.

Anyway, try not to focus and hone in on the past. Since it is all said and done, what can you do? The present: focus on yourself, learn from these mistakes. The future: change your behavior, your ways of communicating, and this will help, I believe, to keep the attachment healthy.

Hang in there, because I feel your pain! BUT, don't let these experiences be wasted, right? Once he self-soothes, calms down, and reaches out, this will be your new opportunity to put the Non-lessons to usage! I know it hurts, though, because I'm right there with you. Once he recycles, try the educational strategies and ways of communicating that will perhaps impact your relationship. Like it says over there on the side ---------> "Before you can make anything better, You must stop making it worse" ... .right? 
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Lovingme35
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« Reply #4 on: August 23, 2015, 02:08:53 PM »

Thank you Lovers Knot. I know that you are right, it's just hard living through it. To be labeled black to quickly. I knew what I should have done last night, but in the moment, I panicked. I am going to try and keep busy for the next couple of days. I worry about him a lot though. Since he has moved, he said that he curls up in a ball and crys himself to sleep every night. That he is so unhappy that he moved. I feel like at the time he needs me the most he is pushing me away. It's agonizing for me to watch, and now I can't do anything about it.
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Daniell85
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« Reply #5 on: August 23, 2015, 03:13:25 PM »

I am told sometimes you have to step back and allow them the consequences of their choices. It's his choice to be moved. It's his choice to cry every day instead of picking more productive ways to handle things. And he tells you for what reason?

Probably he fully knows you are wringing your hands over him. So he gets your attention and soothing. He feels better when he has someone to react on. That is YOU. Then you feel terrible. This is his normal. Hopefully you can see that it doesn't have to be your normal...

Really good idea to leave him to self soothe for a few days at least.
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Lovingme35
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« Reply #6 on: August 23, 2015, 03:40:31 PM »

Thanks Daniell85 I will let him do that. I just wish I wasn't so sad about the situation.

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Daniell85
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« Reply #7 on: August 23, 2015, 03:49:24 PM »

I have to do the same thing. I am sad, too.  Right there with you.
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