Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 09:43:16 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Books most popular with members
104
Stop Caretaking the
Borderline or the Narcassist
Stop Walking
on Eggshells
Journey from
Abandonment to Healing
The Search for Real Self
Unmasking Personality Disorders

Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: NPD/BPDexH contacting me during his honeymoon  (Read 348 times)
Ulysses
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 239


« on: August 23, 2015, 11:03:04 PM »

I don't know where to post this.

I would love feedback to see if others have experienced this, how they handled it, and suggestions for new ways for me to think about this (when I think about it at all).

Background:  exNPD/BPDh got married to one of his affair partners.  Against the advice of most family law attorneys, and specifically was told by D T that it is way too soon for D to make this adjustment.  This summer he decided to stop contacting me directly and now only contacts me through a joint email with his new wife.  The address is their first names and last name.  They've even added a great photo of them smiling up close, I think it's a "selfie."  Ok, I'm over it and still deciding whether it's worth it to let him know I prefer to only have contact with him, or if that gives him and her attention.  They have stated they will only discuss drop-off/pick-up, although parenting plan specifically lays out how we coordinate activities so I've yet to address that.  They sign both names to the emails and I'm pretty sure at least some of them don't come from him, but are written by her.  Some are nasty.  

They knew I was going to sign up S12 for an activity at school, and he agreed to it, before their wedding.

exH didn't pay school tuition as required in the divorce decree, and I assume he has now but I will need to check on Monday.  If he doesn't make a payment kids can't enroll.  My attorney sent him a letter about 3 weeks ago, he hired an attorney, "just in case anything comes up while we're out of the country" (for their grand 2 week honeymoon, leaving unpaid bills that are court-ordered to be paid by him, but I digress... .).  

Now they've sent me two emails on their honeymoon.  One was asking to switch overnights when they get back, "in case of flight delays."  Signed by both of them.  That was about 1 or 2 days into their honeymoon.  I haven't answered because it feels gross to me to have contact with them on their honeymoon.  Also I don't want to change my plans based on a possibility of a flight delay that might not happen.  And they could have planned to come home a day earlier.  I'm still thinking about what is best for the children.  Oh, and according to the text he sent D7, they are in a European city that he and I first traveled to, so that makes me roll my eyes because really, why would they go to the same city he and I went to when we were first together?  Ick.

Now he's sent me an email about the children's proposed activities.

This feels weird that before he left he wouldn't communicate with me about anything but pick-ups.  And he hired an attorney.  Now he's on his honeymoon and he's contacting me?  This just seems counter-intuitive.  

And, since he hired an attorney, one person suggested maybe he's setting me up.  I don't think that's the case but I understand I have blind spots.

Any insight is appreciated.
Logged
Turkish
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2013; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
Posts: 12104


Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #1 on: August 24, 2015, 12:54:55 AM »

I agree with "gross" for contacting you on their dysfunctionalmoon. it sounds like they are enmeshed, as if he can't man up to deal with you himself, being limited. Its never wrong to default to the custody stipulation. Working together is nice for everyone if possible, but defaulting to sticking by the court order isn't wrong.
Logged

    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
lucylou

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: living together
Posts: 49



« Reply #2 on: August 24, 2015, 06:30:46 AM »

Hi Ulysses

I can relate  Smiling (click to insert in post) My ex NPD did something very similar. He actually made me walk into his wedding reception to collect the children, as it was my weekend to have them. He purposefully turned off his phone so I could not arrange to meet him outside in the car park as agreed. That forced me to walk into the celebrations. I was like Shrek at the wedding   :D His new wife and I had a chat even and I had to of course congratulate her. I think it felt more like comisserate to be honest but anyway it was an uncomfortable and bizarre moment and One I wont forget. We had been separated for some time (about 5 years I think) but had never tied the knot together, just lived as partners etc. I was fortunate that a lot of time had passed so it didnt effect me emotionally. It was just odd.

I am so sorry he has acted like such a jerk  I guess the reason they do it is to rub our noses in the dirt. Its like "look at what you missed out on". Yeah right... .Smiling (click to insert in post) dodged a bullet more like. My NPD mother often reacted in the same way with people who rejected her, particularly ex lovers. In fact her favorite song was "could have been you" by Cher. I think that gives you an idea of the thinking in the mind of an NPD. I have heard via the kids that my ex has taken his wife to the same places we used to visit so I can understand how unsettling that also feels to hear how he took his new wife to somewhere that was once special to you both.  I guess they are hoping it will make you feel jealous and envious.I am not brilliant with words of comfort  but  just wanted to say i understand how it messes with your head when they do these kinds of mind games. It's been 9 years since I left him and I have now finally found a man who I can rely upon and trust. I still have problems with the ex and his mind games. His wife is as nutty as he is which doesnt help. I often feel paranoid about whether he spies on my ebay/facebook accounts etc as he always seems to find out information. I guess he may have got it from the kids but I dont think thats it. He is threatening me at the moment because his child support just increased very marginally. In his mind he pays thousands when in reality he barely pays enough to put food on the table for his children.  

There is no easy ways to deal with them, but there are lots of experienced people here who can help you. I am still struggling with him. Luckily our children are in their teens now so hopefully it will get easier. I am considering moving a few hundred miles away because I simply do not want the stress anymore. We will see what happens.          

I wish you well and just wanted to say you are not alone   
Logged
ForeverDad
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
Posts: 18071


You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #3 on: August 25, 2015, 02:53:41 PM »

Would something like this work?  It largely hinges on how bent out of shape he gets and whether you care how he reacts.  Also, be sure a trade isn't required by the terms of the order.

Ex, we don't need to make a trade if the date of your scheduled return changes.  If it does change I will continue care for S12 until your return.

What do you think?  I'm not saying you can't trade but beware of feeling obligated to agree and every schedule change has to be a trade.  If the order doesn't state it then it's up to you to say Yes or No.  For example, reverse the situation, would he reciprocate with a trade agreement if you asked him for a trade or would he just tell you to leave S12 and go?  I think during his honeymoon his priority ought to be for his new marriage and seeking to change his parenting dates while away is a bit late and he doesn't have much leverage to force you to agree.

On a side note, this request would be getting S12 on the first half of the trade.  I was burned a few times by my ex when she asked for a trade, took her time first and then when my traded time arrived, she didn't show up for the exchange and I lost out.  Lawyer and court didn't care a bit, to them it was a negligible issue, sort of, "well, that's what you get for trading... ."
Logged

stacma04
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 77



« Reply #4 on: August 25, 2015, 03:04:34 PM »

I agree with Turkish, refer back to your divorce decree, if he's not following what he should be doing. And personally sending emails wouold be the last thing I would be doing on my honeymoon... .these people are so ill... .

My Ex BPDBF is engaged, and I am now in a healthy relationship. I have unblocked him from my Facebook after going NC. I think that now that he's engaged and I'm in a relationship he will leave me alone. I think I deep down, I want him to see that I've moved on and I'm not waiting for him to come back.

Does anyone have Any thoughts on this ? Is this a bad idea to unblock him?
Logged
Ulysses
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 239


« Reply #5 on: August 29, 2015, 02:59:45 PM »

Thanks for your replies.  Sometimes exNPD/BPDh's behavior seems so bizarre to me, yet the way he presents it to me makes me feel like I'm the one who's unreasonable.  I really doubt myself and try to process things before I respond.

Dysfunctionalmoon, ha, that's funny.  Thanks for making me smile over this, Turkish.

Lucylou, I can't imagine how difficult that was to have to show up to his wedding.  Usually I don't feel jealous, because exH hasn't "done the work" and I can see the chaos that he creates, and he's already accruing debt he is having trouble paying off.  I have savings again, the first time since I got married.  Life is hard sometimes for me but I don't have to participate in his chaos. Except I do feel dragged into it in some of these moments.  But I think it's up to me to process it without it sidelining me. 

Forever Dad, thanks for the wording.  I like the way you suggested I respond.

I actually responded before I read your post.  They emailed me about signing up the children for activities.  I spoke with my L and I needed to respond because I didn't agree to the activity for D7.  So I responded with the necessary words and then told them I prefer to communicate once they return to town.  I received an almost immediate email that I HAD to communicate with them while they were on their trip because of the deadline for signing up the kids (8/31).  I waited until the end of the day, then emailed them that I had already signed up and paid for S for the activity that often closes early, I was going out of town and email wouldn't be available, and cc'd my L.  I also addressed the trading nights and said I preferred not to this time.  I didn't word it as effectively as what you suggested, FD.  Regarding activities, I tried to email earlier in the summer about school-year activities and either I didn't receive a response, or the response I received was rather curt and didn't address the topic or resolve anything.

I actually was out of town with my kids this past week, and it was a lot of fun.  They are more relaxed and open with me than they have been in a long time.

So this morning I receive an email that their flight has changed and they want to trade nights.  I've already said no once.  I'm going to say no again (politely), which means exH will go for over 2 weeks without seeing them.  I feel guilty saying no.  The kids were told they would see him tonight.  I'm scared about his reaction.  It makes me think of a backdraft in a fire.  My children start school Wed and I already have made plans for them for Mon and Tues.  I had plans for me for Sun which I had to cancel, and that's fine, I'm not complaining.  It's just it feels like he wants me to rearrange my plans because he didn't plan ahead to come home a day earlier, and now wants me to adjust my schedule.  I just don't feel it's in my kids' best interest to be swept into the chaos of him returning from his honeymoon two days before their school starts.  Ugh, I don't want to use my energy on this.  I suppose next time he could have someone pick them up on "his day" and they would be at, e.g. a friends' house instead of with me, but I will deal with that when it happens.  (Actually he did that on the Sunday before they came home to me - Sundays are usually the nights they're with me, he took his vacation and demanded a Sunday night, my L said just give it to him, then he ends up leaving them overnight with a friend whose father was awarded the least amount of child custody our state allows, but I digress.  He could have let them stay with me, but I think it was the day he got married, so he was avoiding me - wouldn't let me talk to my daughter, etc.). 

Thanks again for your responses.  I'm going to respond, then try to not get stuck emotionally, and move forward with my life over the next few days.  I guess he has to deal with the consequences of not arranging his travel plans adequately.



Logged
Ulysses
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 239


« Reply #6 on: September 07, 2015, 06:25:20 PM »

I wanted to post an update/epilogue to this particular saga.

When I replied that I prefer to discuss upon their return, I was sent an almost immediate response that I HAD to email them while they were out of town.

I sent an email to exNPD/BPDh about the children's activities once he returned.  I haven't received any response. 
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!