Attempted cheating. Do I end it?

[Lovingme35]

I went out with my exBPD last Saturday and we started talking to a group of people. He got into a one on one conversation with one of the girls and I could tell that they were hitting it off. I confronted him later and he denied it. We got into a big fight and he took me home and said he wanted to break things off with me.

Today one of the girls from the group messaged me and said that he tried to contact the girl he was talking to yesterday. Told me that he also gave her his number. I broke NC and contacted him today asking if it was true. He said yes, but it was just for friendship. I do not believe that one bit. He has apologized to me for how it looked. I told him to make things right with her. He proceeded to question her on how I found out.

I am not sure what to do at this point. Am I beating a dead horse? He wants to keep me but have his fun on the side.

I am a mess right now. I messaged him and told him I was bringing all his stuff back to him. He messaged me twice wanting to know a time frame, but I am so mad I haven't responded. I feel so disrespected.  Is there any way to fix this or do I just move on?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[rotiroti]

What are your boundaries?

Is this something you can accept or is it a deal-breaker?

What do you look for in a r/s?

[newlifeBPDfree]

I don't know your full background and I don't know how long you have been together and details like this but to me its a big red flag. It's one of the flags I ignored when I met my ex and I really wish I hadn't. I spent 10 years with him and there were legions of girls he chested on me with and even more he tried to... .My story turned into a nightmare that I can't come out of... .I'd say run... .

[Lovingme35]

What are your boundaries?

Is this something you can accept or is it a deal-breaker?

What do you look for in a r/s?

I just wanted him to be honest with me. We were supposed to be in an open relationship at one time but he said that he was not interested in dating anyone else. The only reason he said that was to keep me from dating other people.

I want a relationship with someone that is there for me. He is exactly what I want in the good times.

I am seriously having a break down right now trying to get his things together. I really don't want to give them back but I cannot continue to be treated like this. I don't know what to do

[Lovingme35]

I don't know your full background and I don't know how long you have been together and details like this but to me its a big red flag. It's one of the flags I ignored when I met my ex and I really wish I hadn't. I spent 10 years with him and there were legions of girls he chested on me with and even more he tried to... .My story turned into a nightmare that I can't come out of... .I'd say run... .

Therapy won't help? He wasn't like this in the first year of our relationship

[ColdEthyl]

@Lovingme35 I am so so sorry you are hurting like this  Counseling will help if he wants to change and wants to go. He lied to you about his intentions with the other woman, so chances are he won't want counseling. If he broke it off with you on the way home, he's doing a push/pull cycle, I think. Has he done that before?

[Lovingme35]

@Lovingme35 I am so so sorry you are hurting like this  Counseling will help if he wants to change and wants to go. He lied to you about his intentions with the other woman, so chances are he won't want counseling. If he broke it off with you on the way home, he's doing a push/pull cycle, I think. Has he done that before?

Yes he has and it was a push/ pull cycle.

[Lovingme35]

I am just broken. The fact that this could be the end is killing me. I cannot stop bawling. I am supposed to be at his house in less than 30 minutes. I don't know what to do

[ColdEthyl]

I am just broken. The fact that this could be the end is killing me. I cannot stop bawling. I am supposed to be at his house in less than 30 minutes. I don't know what to do

If you want the push/pull to stop, you have to set boundaries. Whether or not he wants to follow those are up to him. I'm so sorry sweety heartache is the worst  

[Lovingme35]

I am just broken. The fact that this could be the end is killing me. I cannot stop bawling. I am supposed to be at his house in less than 30 minutes. I don't know what to do

If you want the push/pull to stop, you have to set boundaries. Whether or not he wants to follow those are up to him. I'm so sorry sweety heartache is the worst  

What would be appropriate boundaries in this situation? Obviously the flirting in front of me. What about from now on, we are labeled as being in an open relationship until trust can be established?

I also think that we should go back to counseling but I won't mention that at this point.

What are some other good ones?

[vortex of confusion]

I just wanted him to be honest with me. We were supposed to be in an open relationship at one time but he said that he was not interested in dating anyone else. The only reason he said that was to keep me from dating other people.

Was the status of the relationship (open/closed) discussed and agreed upon or was there some wishy washy stuff going on around whether it was open or closed? I ask because my husband and I experimented with an open relationship. It seemed like I didn't know whether it was open or closed from one day to the next. Decide what YOU want, make it perfectly clear, and then set boundaries around that.

I am seriously having a break down right now trying to get his things together. I really don't want to give them back but I cannot continue to be treated like this. I don't know what to do

Is there a reason that you have to give them back right now? Can you take a day to get some perspective and calm down a bit? I find that it is best to try to get myself in a decent place before trying to have serious conversations. If I am in a bad place, it makes it too easy for me to lose my head.

[Lovingme35]

I just wanted to give an update. I went over to his house and he started apologizing as soon as I walked in the door. I told him what hurt the most is that he was trying to hide it from me and that he got mad at the girl for telling me. He said that wasn't true and even showed me the dialog. The messages from the site he was on cannot be edited or deleted. He was telling the truth! He even came out and told her we were together. So the girls friend created all this drama and put us all against each other

[Lovingme35]

I just wanted him to be honest with me. We were supposed to be in an open relationship at one time but he said that he was not interested in dating anyone else. The only reason he said that was to keep me from dating other people.

Was the status of the relationship (open/closed) discussed and agreed upon or was there some wishy washy stuff going on around whether it was open or closed? I ask because my husband and I experimented with an open relationship. It seemed like I didn't know whether it was open or closed from one day to the next. Decide what YOU want, make it perfectly clear, and then set boundaries around that.

I am seriously having a break down right now trying to get his things together. I really don't want to give them back but I cannot continue to be treated like this. I don't know what to do

Is there a reason that you have to give them back right now? Can you take a day to get some perspective and calm down a bit? I find that it is best to try to get myself in a decent place before trying to have serious conversations. If I am in a bad place, it makes it too easy for me to lose my head.

This was the main reason that started all the drama. I made sure to establish our relationship boundaries and where we stood before I left. He didn't even want his stuff back after all. We were both calm and were able to talk about things civilly.

I am back to being white and we are going to continue the relationship. Hopefully with better communication, boundaries and trust.